Chapter Text
Do you want to know something?
… (User) wasn’t at baseball today! Like, just wasn’t there. Total no-show.
Funny thing is. Their bike was at the diamond, as usual, yet.. They weren’t at the diamond.
And, even weirder yet! Anya was gone, too! Normally, I can see her sitting on the stands or even just outside, doing some groundskeeping (gardening, though that’s not what she’s paid for.. Wait, is she paid? Or is it a bit of a volunteer gig? Huh.) or, even just kinda.. Loitering. Standing around, especially when the “higher level” teams are playing, because they have the risk of more intense injuries, or that’s what Anya says. (Heh. We’re high level. Hear that?? We’re HIGH LEVEL!! Though, honestly, I think maybe she’s just covering up for the fact our games are entertaining and she wants to watch..)
But she was entirely vacant. I did ask ol’ Swan, and he was all, “focus on the game” and “keep yer’ nose out, you thick-skulled fool.” - typical, but still uncalled for. Rude, I say. How on earth am I meant to focus when it feels like everypony is just… disappearing? (I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I won’t say “everypony” again, but I couldn’t resist.)
Aaagh! It’s so frustrating. I had to fully walk home all WORRIED and CONFUSED with my stomach in KNOTS!! All because (user) didn’t answer ANY of my texts, all two of them! What part of “R U alr???!?11!” and a gif of an anime girl crying with the caption “I miss you oomfie :ccc” do they not understand??
Speaking of not understanding things, how the HELL am I meant to even START on telling (user) how MADLY IN LOVE I am?! ..Do I tell them at all? Should I take this to my grave, then hit them up via Ouija board if I’m somehow still head-over-heels, even six feet under?! That’s not a good idea, even if I was already dead, I think rejection would ultra-kill me. Like, total death. I’d just have to CEASE TO EXIST!!
..Anyway. Is withholding it a good idea, you know, waiting it out? Is it like a cold where it kinda goes away by itself, or a brain bleed, where it requires medical and DIVINE intervention to fix it and if you leave it to marinate THEN YOU WILL DIE!?!?
I’m KICKING MY FEET!! I’M MAD. AND I’M KICKING MY FEET!! Someone get me a RAG to bite, because even THINKING of (user) feels like getting an open heart surgery!!! OPEN HEART SURGERY. What do I see when I look into the mirror? An absolute buffoon! A buffoon locked in a cage with no hope of escape..
But like, my heart.. Is the cage..
And (user) is the key..
Yeah, I’m locked in the cage of my heart and (user) is the key to NORMALCY!!
Heh. Heart shaped box by Nirvana reference? HEY. WAIT. I’VE GOT A NEW COMPLAINT…
Anyway, damn.. That was mad poetic.. Watch out, Shakespeare…
Get me OUT of here! (heh, you know, my heart cage..) I have to tell them, right?
But.. what if I get friendzoned? Dude, what if I get BROTHER-zoned?! SHIT!! That would be bad!! What if they hit me with the “You’re like a brother to me”!?!? I may actually DIE on the spot. You know spontaneous human combustion, and how there’s only, like, 2000 cases? All with very specific circumstances? I’m going to make it 2001. I’ll set on fire all by myself.
Also, what the fuck am I SAYING?! Not the Spontaneous Human Combustion part, that’s entirely sensical, but the Friendzone shit!! That doesn’t exist!! I shouldn’t be EXPECTING a relationship, (user) doesn’t owe me SHIT!!
Sorry, ladies.. (and hedies.. And theydies.. And EVERYONEINBETWEENDIES!! I LOVE YOU ALL!!) I’m just so passionate about, like.. Rights..
NO BUT REALLY I AM.
I should be critiquing MYSELF instead. What if my love, (pshh, “love”.. It’s still funny to say) isn’t even real? What if I’m a monster and I fall out of love (assuming they even do say yes if I confess to them..), like, instantly, and I break their heart?
Dude…
Am I even real?
..THE FUCK am I on, and WHAT is (User) doing to me?!? Just their face, and their hands, and god, god.. Those eyes..
I’m lying on my back and staring at the ceiling, but I swear if I think hard enough, I can almost see their eyes, almost. My mind doesn’t do them nearly enough justice..
Fuck. It’s been a few days without seeing them, and I’m getting withdrawals. WITHDRAWALS..
Like, you know.. An addiction.. An affection addiction,.. That’s not a reference, heh. Yeah..
Their eyes, you know.. The faint stars that dance inside of them, a hundred unspoken words, heartbreaking stories,
A somber melody that plays as I consider they may not see me in the same light.
Can they see me at all? Can they hear me? Can they sense the way I admire them? Do they know how far I’d go, what I’d do..
If only they just said the word..?
I squint and glower as I sit up off my bed, stretching my arms over my head, joints cracking and popping FAR more than they should for my age, and especially for someone my age who exercises regularly - I should be more flexible, more fluid..
But no, I’m tense and stiff. The nursing home called. They’re missing someone.. Oh, wait, shit, they just said my name.
Stumbling slightly, I nearly trip over a hoodie that I have lying on the floor. I sit down on my totally awesome gaming chair, and ponder for a moment.. I don’t ponder a lot, usually, so this is strange. Would (user) also just have clothes and stuff lying around their room on the floor? No. Not a chance!! (Hehe, author here, it doesn’t matter if this statement is true or not, because Daisuke would see you in a VERY positive light anyway. byyeee~~) They’re better than that. If I’m going to even CONSIDER asking out an actual deity like (user), I should NOT be this messy.
I glance around my room.
Damn. I’ve got a lot of work to do.
Sighing, I boot up my PC. Bettering my habits is a later problem, (user) is a NOW problem.
I pull on my headset, and check my messages.
..None?? Oh, alright. That’s fine, I’m not hurt at all. I’m not going to cry. I’m not that kind of guy.
I don’t depend on support and validation from other people whatsoever.
..Yeah. You heard me.
I’m not.
I’ve already double-texted (user). Do I go for a triple text? Do I dare..?
I look off to the side, contemplatatively.. (<-- This isn’t a word, but I think it should be. Thanks.)
I’ve never really seen the problem with texting more than once! I just kinda just saw everyone else thought it was weird, and agreed with them, because I’m a mindless sheep!! HAHAHA!
I’m kidding, I’m just AFRAID OF REJECTION!!
FUUUUUUUUCCKKK!!!!
..Ahem.
Surely another gif doesn’t count as a text, right? Surely, surely not.. It’s a video, technically..
Is there anything (user) likes that I could send them a gif of? Minecraft, possibly?
I search up “Minecraft”, and all it comes up with is stuff from The Minecraft Movie. They probably don’t even know what half of the references are.. Pshh. Curse them and their non-chronically-online-ness.
I scroll for a while and eventually find a gif of two minecraft axolotls swimming around each-other - the caption says, “us?”.
Good enough? Yeah, perfect, actually.. Kind of hints that like.. I’m interested in them, but could also be played off as just a friend thing.. Oh yeah, I’m a professional at this.
I send it.
I wait.
And I wait..
…And I wait some more.
I consider getting employed.
I solve a few maths equations in my head..
I start a run of Scrutinized. I die to Tanner. I would really, really hate Tanner if he wasn’t so hot.
I rage quit.
And (user) still hasn’t responded.
Maybe, if I give up on hearing from them now, I can take this time to research how I’m meant to POSSIBLY even make a start on asking them out. So I do.
The average google search says flowers.. Gifts.. Meaningful conversations..
Reddit says, “KILL THEM AND SMOKE SOME CRAAAAAACCKKK!!!! THEN CRACK A FEMBOY!!!”
Now, what sounds better to you?
Pinterest is by far the most useful. The Pinterest girlies (Gender neutral term, FYI. I’m a man with shittons of testosterone (Approximately enough to kill a Rhino) and I’m still a Pinterest Girlie. Thanks.) know EVERYTHING, I swear!!!
I have taken notes, I have recited what I may say, to myself, in the mirror, and DIED laughing each time because I absolutely cannot take it seriously. Unceremoniously, hours pass, and yet, there is no response from (User). They’re probably busy. They’ve got far better things to do than talk to me, probably.. (sniffle).. Daisuke Juarez, who’s that? I’ve never heard of him, I’m too busy doing far more productive things like practicing for baseball, or applying for job applications..
I’m (user), and, oh, I’m not going to respond to Daisuke! Me and my stupid, stupid, GORGEOUS face are just so fixated on being mysterious and edgy to even tell him why I wasn’t at practice today! Or that I’m blatantly ignoring him because I HATE HIM!!!
..Aw shucks.. Dude. I really shouldn’t be mocking them like this. Even if it’s in my head. And they can’t hear it. I might be frustrated, and really confused, but is that their problem? NO! Come on, I’m better than this.. When am I meant to gain emotional maturity?
Wait..
If I’m recognising that my anger is unwarranted and that I NEED to get a grip..
Is that emotional maturity..?
Am I even emotionally mature enough to be dating ANYONE?! Let alone (user)??! Is this like in a video game, where you have to level up and get better gear before you begin a new quest?
Am I seriously comparing my love life to a video game?
Man.. I’m such a fat fucking chud..
I’m too online.
Far too online.
SEE THAT??! EMOTIONAL MATURITY! There’s me, recognising a problem within myself!
…And there’s me completely regressing on my word and getting right back online!
I nonchalantly check my phone again for a response from (user). I’m only slightly worried, only a little. That’s normal. It’s entirely healthy to worry about your friends!!
Radio silence from (user)’s end.
Sigh.
I’m gonna die surrounded by cats and dogs, dude..
“Alone”..
Miserable.
Still with no bitches, of any kind…
Still with skill issue.
They’re going to write “Loser from Losertown” on my tombstone.
Sigh again.
I stare, longingly, at my phone screen. I put down my phone. I pick it up again, and open the message app. Maybe the notification just didn’t show up on the lockscreen..?
No, nothing, still. I accidentally press the call button. SHIT, WHAT! I ACCIDENTALLY PRESS THE CALL BUTTON?!?
I drop my phone like the battery just exploded and then set on fire. I actually audibly scream. A little too loud. I roll away from my now ringing phone. I roll away in my awesome gaming chair. That’s it, it’s settled. If I somehow didn’t look desperate before, I sure do now. The phone is going to ring out, and (user) will see “missed call from LOSER” and go “Holy shit will he just leave me alone?!”. I’m going to hide in my closet, forever, no - wait, I’ll ship myself to Antarctica. I’ll start a new life and probably get mauled by a Polar bear. And (user) will forget all about me, and marry someone thrice as hot and probably more deserving. GOD!! DAMMNIT!!
Why did I DO that?! What special kind of idiot AM I? Oh stars. This is the end. I see it. I see the light. Is that.. I’m going down, oh, I’m going straight to hell, I-
“Hello?”
Shit. SHitshitshitshitSHITSHITSHIIIIIIITTTT (user) ACTUALLY PICKED UP??
I scramble over to where I’d dropped my phone, tear off my headset, and freak out some more. I have to respond. RESPOND. SPEAK, YOU FOOL.
“Ehm.. hi, (user)!! I, uh.. Noticed you weren’t.. At practice today.” I willed my voice not to crack halfway through the sentence and it did anyway.
“Oh,” they respond briefly, and I’m sure they were about to say something, but I cut in and keep talking because I’m an idiot.
“Is ever- I just.. Wanted to make sure everything was alright! That you’re alright. Uhm..” Am I really about to say “I really really missed you and I think I’m actually just a dog at this point whimpering at the door waiting for you to come home? Is that poetic? Do you like canine poetry? Do you love me too?”
No. Duh.
“Just.. I missed you, today, is all.” I choose to leave out the next part for obvious reasons.
“You.. missed me?” They sound a little taken aback, and I must be hallucinating because I could swear I heard their breath hitch before they began talking.
SHIT! Am I coming off too strong? Oh, I’m being a total creep, aren’t I?
“Yeah…” I think I’m being strangled by how my voice comes out.
“I missed you, too, Dai.” They say it so casually. Genuinely.
While I’m dead on the floor.
They missed me?
They. Missed. Me.
ME?!? MOI?! ICH?!?
Okay! Keep it cool, man, they’re probably just saying that to be nice, to avoid tension, just continue the conversation as normal, just move on-
“Do you.. Want to play some Minecraft, maybe?” I probably sound like a kid asking someone if someone has games on their phone. Shit.
“Actually.. “
Hmm?
“I was wondering, maybe.. Since it’s still pretty early..”
UH-HUH.
“Would you like to hang out?”
UHHSJSB.. ?
“In real life. We could meet up somewhere? You know, a bit of an apology for me entirely standing you and the team up today, hah-” They seem hesitant, but.. Not like they’re saying something they don’t want to. It’s weird. Like they’re.. nervous?
“YES!! I- uhm, yeah. That sounds cool. Where would you like to meet up?”
I’m dying, I’m actively dying, I’m perishing.
“Is there, I dunno, somewhere you like to visit regularly?”
Oh boy, IS THERE A PLACE I VISIT REGULARLY?