Chapter Text
There were occasionally slow days at SDN Torrance, and this was one of them. It wasn’t time for a break, yet several heroes from the Z-Team were together in the break room waiting for assignments.
Golem and Invisigal were sitting together on the floor eating gummy bears (the regular kind). The young woman was fishing them out of the plastic bag and tossing them alternatingly into either her own mouth, or Golem’s. Both were listening in to the conversation happening around the table.
Sonar, Malevola, Flambae and Prism were engrossed in a deep discussion on how to get back at Robert for the “Rectal Use sticker prank”.
“….and that’s how we get him!” Flambae finished triumphantly. Everyone else just stared.
“Bro, we are planning an office prank, not a violation of the Geneva conventions” Golem pointed out. Everyone else nodded emphatically.
“Who is violating the Geneva conventions?” Blonde Blazer had entered the room in search of coffee at just the right time to hear the tail end of Golem’s comment. Now she was looking at the assembled heroes with pure suspicion in her eyes.
Without missing a beat, the construct pointed at Invisigal. “Visi” he said with a shit-eating grin.
“What the fuck man? I haven’t done anything. I thought we were friends!” the former thief complained.
“I know what you did, Visi.”
“And you still can’t actually pin it on me, so screw you!”
Blazer watched the banter unfold for a moment. “I am going to pretend I didn’t hear any of this.” Then turned with a questioning eyebrow raised to the others.
“We are planning a prank on Robert…” started Prism.
“Yeah, he got me good last week” pointed out Malevola.
“…so now we need to get back at him” finished Prism.
Blonde Blazer stood speechless for a moment. “Robert played a prank. Our Robert.” Everyone nodded at her. “Dispatcher, auburn hair, missing a chunk form his right ear. That Robert. Played a prank??” By now both her eyebrows had disappeared into her hairline.
“Sure did. Boy is cutting loose and I’m here for it” Prism stated. “Doesn’t mean that we’re not getting back at him, though.”
Malevola just lifted her sword to show Blazer the blue sticker still adorning it that said: “For Rectal Use Only”.
Blonde Blazer was stunned. “Did I fall into an alternate dimension portal again” she asked herself out loud.
“Wait that that actually happened??” Visi stared at her boss wide-eyed.
“Never mind that Visi. Now our problem is that all our prank ideas are….” Malevola trailed off waving her free hand, trying to find the right words.
“Are basically human rights violations” Blazer finished for her looking unimpressed.
“Pretty much, yeah.”
“I’ve got an idea” piped up Golem from the floor.
“We’re all ears, babes.”
“Soo, all of us come in one day wearing that standard shirt that Robert wears every day. You know the blue one with the SDN logo” he started slowly.
“What kind of lame prank is that” Flambae started complaining.
“A normal, safe one” Blazer shot him a look that could melt steel beams. The man wisely remained silent.
“Then we all put name tags on that say “Robert Robertson”, but with a random number after. Like “Robert Robertson 57” Golem finished his thought. “Or, or, “Robert Robertson 9¾“ Visi chimed in with a laugh.
Blazer chuckled. “OK, that actually sounds pretty funny. Let me know when you plan to do it and I’ll join in.”
“Fuu~uck! We’ve got Miss Blazer on board! Now we have to do it!” Prism was now excited too.
Sonar had been nodding along but now he was curious. “What about you Golem? Do you actually have a shirt your size?” he questioned.
“Nah. I’ll just eat a can of blue paint. It’ll give me a nice sheen for a bit.”
“You know, I can ask our supplier if they can provide a size 20 times XL shirt or something” Blazer suggested.
Golem turned a hopeful face toward her. “You actually think that’d be possible?”
“Doesn’t hurt to ask them.”
“That would be neat. I’ve never had clothes before” the construct said thoughtfully.
“Man, I thought Bobert was a sad bitch” Flambae rolled his eyes.
“Focus people! Priorities!” called out Prism. “First we plan how to fuck with Robert, then we plan a shopping trip to get our boy Bruno some nice threads.”
Blazer smiled. It was nice to the former rejects being comfortable enough around each other to have fun like this.
In the end, the shirt supplier actually came through for Golem. They had been working with SDN for many years, so they weren’t really surprised at Blonde Blazer’s request. Besides, the fabric they used for these shirts was cheap enough that making basically a small tent with it wasn’t that big a big drain on SDN’s coffers.
Now prank day had come. Everyone was ready and was waiting for Robert to arrive.
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Robert was having another good day. Those seemed to be happening a lot more after finally getting rid of Shroud and starting a relationship with Courtney.
As he was walking through the hallways of the SDN building in the morning, Robert started seeing weird shit, however. That wasn’t unusual, given the place, but this time it was noticeable.
It started with Prism. She passed him by smirking, dressed in the standard SDN uniform, even down to a name tag, though he didn’t see whether she had put her civilian or hero name. Robert thought it odd for a moment but then had to remind himself that normal people actually had more than one outfit.
Then there were Coupé, Punch Up and Malevola. All dressed the same as Prism and snickering. Robert was now suspicious.
The final straw came with Sonar and Invisigal. The two were waiting for him by his desk, smiling like a pair of smug rats.
Dressed in SDN’s finest.
Sonar looked more or less as he usually did, just without his regular suit. Visi on the other hand…She had her regular crop top on but had replaced her jacket with the blue shirt tied up at the bottom so that it left her midriff bare. Robert’s brain short-circuited a little at the sight of his girlfriend. “I never though I’d see the day when someone could make that piece of crap shirt look sexy” he thought.
But then he saw the name tags they were wearing. Visi’s read “Robert Robertson 9¾”, while Sonar had the same name followed by the first couple of digits of pi.
The two idiots then turned to each other.
“Well good morning to you Mr. Robert Robertson the nine-and-three-quarter…ed” Sonar stumbled a bit over the number and was also trying to hold back his laughter.
Visi was making no such effort. “Fancy meeting you here Mr. Robertson the 3.14th” she barely managed to get out through her giggles.
Finally, the two broke down howling with mirth.
Robert watched the scene unfold in front of him with a blank expression. Then he slowly reached down and picked up his headset, thumbing the control for the whole team. “Z-Team, I want everyone in the meeting room, ASAP.” A chorus of laughter and acknowledgements followed.
The sight in that room didn’t do much to settle Robert’s rising dread. Everyone was in that stupid shirt, wearing those silly name tags.
There were some variations: Punch Up still had his suspenders on, Flambae had the collar turned up and the shirt largely unbuttoned, while Waterboy had put the shirt over his regular wetsuit.
The numbers were all over the place too: Mal had 666 on her tag, unsurprisingly. Waterboy’s looked like it originally just had a “9” on it, but then someone had added a “6” in front, and Flambae’s looked suspiciously like the VIN number of a car.
And then there was Golem.
“Holy shit! How did you even find a shirt in your size” Robert exclaimed.
“Crazy right! And it’s the first shirt I’ve ever owned, baby. I’m looking cool now.”
Golem seemed so happy, that Robert decided not to point out that the construct still had no pants on. But that seemed like a minor detail, compared to the entire situation.
“Alright. What. The. Fuck.” Robert was slowly losing it and had to work extra hard to keep his face blank.
“Told you fuckers I’d rock this look” Flambae preened.
“Bitch you didn’t! I barely managed to convince you to put it on!” Prism hit back at her friend.
“Hey, Robert! Guess what day it is today.” Without giving him a chance to reply Visi ploughed on. “It’s “Robert Robertson Day”!” she exclaimed happily.
“Yes, lad. Just like on St. Paddy’s Day when everyone is an honorary Irishman, today everyone is an honorary Robert Robertson” the resident Irishman said proudly.
Everyone cheered.
Robert moved his jaw up and down a few times, trying to come up with a reply, but couldn’t dig up anything to say for a moment. “Please at least tell me you lot aren’t going out dressed like this” he finally asked.
“Absolutely not!” Flambae announced. “First off, I have style, unlike the rest of you assholes. Second, I do need my fire-resistant suit. So, feast your eyes, Bob Bob, while you can!”
“Thank God for small miracles” Rober sighed.
“Speak for yourself, Matchstick Man. I’m enjoying this get up” Malevola said. Beside her Coupé nodded along. “I do find it rather comfortable” the assassin added.
Robert could feel the hope leaving his body, fuelled by the snickers of his band of delinquents.
Then the door opened and Blonde Blazer poked in.
“Hi everyone! Nice meeting you’re having here. Just a reminder that the shift starts in ten minutes. That is all.” She waved cheerfully and left.
Robert stood speechless. There was a beat of silence before everyone erupted in cackles again.
“How…how did you idiots managed to rope Blazer into this??!” His boss had been wearing the same clothes as everyone else, with a tag that clearly identified her as “Robert Robertson 44”.
There was no hope left.
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As the day went on other more people decided to join in at poking fun at Robert. At some point even Beef had gotten a name tag on his collar, re-naming him into “Robert Roberton 4”.
“Well, I did joke that one time about him being my son” the original Rober thought.
Then there was a rather steamy interlude involving Courtney and a supply closet. Robert had made his “displeasure” at being made fun of abundantly clear to the young woman…in such a way that had her practically melting. Afterwards he was considering calling Waterboy to clean up the…mess. “On one hand traumatizing my team is not really desirable” Robert thought. “On the other, he did join in with the rest of the numbskulls. Decisions, decisions…”
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The shift ended uneventfully and the Z-Team made their way to a bar, as was their SOP.
After a few drinks Chad and Alice had taken over the karaoke machine and were now busy obliterating and old disco tune:
Everyone's a Robert, baby, that's the truth (yes, the truth)
Making you a Robert is such a thrill.
Everyone's a Robert, baby, that's no lie (yes, no lie)
You always fail to satisfy (satisfy)
Let's do it again!
They were harmonizing surprisingly well which didn’t help the dread pooling in Robert’s stomach.
“Please, everyone, for the love of my sanity. Do not do this again” he implored his team. Unsurprisingly his plea fell on deaf ears.
“What sanity?” Malevola asked grinning, receiving the two fingered salute from Robert.
“Of course we’re doing it again, Robert. Next year though” Courtney pointed out.
At his dispatcher’s confusion, Colm pointed out with a grin: “This is now an yearly occurrence lad. An official SDN celebration – Blazer said so today. I told you, just like St. Paddy’s Day!”
Robert dropped his head in his hands in despair. “Oh, fuck me.”
“Well, if you insist!” Courtney got up, pulling him with her in the direction of the bathrooms, followed general cheering and hollering following them.
Overall it was still a good day for Robert.