Chapter Text
Hua Cheng was always afraid of the night.
Even since he could remember, his mind was easily tormented by nightmares. Be it some non-existed monster hunting after him, a killer from a horror movie he had recently watched, or even his father beating him until he apologized for his behavior.
When his mother was still alive, he could always find comfort in her arms, no matter what time of night it was. Her embrace was warm and safe, and he could cry on her shoulder until he felt better. As he grew older, he stopped seeking the warmth in her arms, too embarrassed of his clinginess. He was a big boy, he could manage on his own—
Still, she would have listened to him until he felt better.
But then, one day, she disappeared from his life completely. The nightmares, of course, stayed with him, and after her death, they became even worse. The images that flashed through his mind always left him drenched in sweat and trembling, and all he could do was turn on all the lights and hope that everything he saw would be soon forgotten.
He hated his vivid imagination so much.
That evening, after Xie Lian had left, Hua Cheng refused to sleep, afraid of what his mind would whisper to him. What if he saw something that had been taken from him while it was within his reach? Xie Lian’s soft, plump lips caressing his own, passionately pouring all his emotions into that one kiss—
Hua Cheng rolled onto his right side, absently staring at the wall of his bedroom. It was already three in the morning.
He hadn’t changed into his pajamas, feeling too empty to even consider opening the wardrobe and taking out some more comfortable clothes. He also didn’t clean up the table and the plates they had been using—even though he assured Xie Lian that he would, that he didn’t have to worry about something so simple. He couldn’t keep that promise, feeling nauseous just at the thought of approaching the space where memories of Xie Lian were still too fresh.
It didn’t matter, anyway; Xie Lian wouldn’t know about it.
At four in the morning, Hua Cheng put on a random movie, desperately hoping it would distract him from the emptiness that had been spreading throughout his body after part of his soul had been taken away along with Xie Lian.
At five in the morning, he decided to pick up a book, finding it a better distraction. The movie kept making his mind wander, and the book would require him to focus on the plot of the story. He would imagine what these characters looked like, what they did and said…
At six in the morning, he fell asleep with a book in his hands, too tired to keep his eyes open, even though he desperately wanted to stay awake.
* * *
He was suddenly woken by a loud banging on the door. At first, Hua Cheng ignored it, thinking it was either a group of very noisy and persistent carolers demanding his attention (and therefore—money) or a very realistic figment of his imagination. He could still hear Xie Lian’s soft voice from his dream, sweetly calling his name…
“...Lang!”
With his eyes still closed, Hua Cheng rolled over, tightly embracing his pillow. After a moment of hesitation, he buried his face in it, imagining it was Xie Lian’s warm body pressed against his own. And just like that, he slowly drifted back to sleep.
That was, until he was violently roused from his sleep by the sound of something hard hitting his window.
“LAAAAAAAAAANG!!!”
Sitting abruptly and throwing the pillow aside, Hua Cheng immediately turned towards the only window in his bedroom. Perhaps his eyes were still blurry from sleep. Maybe his eyes were just playing tricks on him.
But there were remnants of a snowball on his window.
Without further ado, he got out of bed and, while rubbing his eyes, went there to see it for himself. However, as soon as Hua Cheng reached the window (and confirmed that it indeed was a snowball—or whatever was left of it), he sucked in a sharp breath, his heart pounding fast in his chest. Because down there, against a completely white, snowy background, stood a very familiar figure.
Frantically waving at him and jumping when their eyes met.
“Gege…” Hua Cheng rasped in bewilderment.
“SAAAAAAAAAAAN LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG!!!” Xie Lian shouted, still waving his arms above his head to get Hua Cheng’s attention. It could have been just a dream, Hua Cheng reasoned to himself as he ran out of his room and down the stairs, almost tripping over his own feet and falling, but regaining his balance at the last moment. Or maybe Hua Cheng was just hallucinating—call it his brain’s defense system or whatever, anything that kept him from sinking into despair after yesterday’s parting with Xie Lian.
Or maybe, just maybe, his mind whispered in encouragement, it wasn’t anything like that at all, and Xie Lian—the real person—came back to you, longing to see you again.
Hua Cheng ran past the table where he and Xie Lian had eaten yesterday, paying it no mind as he finally reached the door. He didn’t even bother to put something warmer on over his shirt, already unlocking the door and pulling it open—
But he had barely managed to pull the door handle when someone ran past the threshold of his house straight into his arms, bumping hard into his chest. The impact almost knocked him off his feet, but the person in his arms helped him regain his balance.
Warm hands held him tight, refusing to let go, and Hua Cheng’s eyes were already filling with tears, blurring his sight, but this person was undoubtedly—
“Gege…”
—Real.
“San Lang,” Xie Lian whispered in a shaky voice, clenching his fingers on Hua Cheng’s back. When he looked up and met Hua Cheng’s eyes, he wasn’t any better—tears were already streaming down his flushed cheeks. “Oh god, I was so worried about you. I didn’t ask for your phone number or anything, and I had no way to contact you—!”
Hua Cheng swallowed hard; Xie Lian’s words rang in his ears, yet he could make sense out of them at all. “...What?”
“I have been thinking about you since I left yesterday; there wasn’t a single moment when I haven’t, San Lang. I was celebrating with Qingxuan and her family, but my mind was in a completely different place—all the time I was going back to the memories of our time together. Only you occupied my head. You. You felt it too, right?” Xie Lian asked, hopeful. “I couldn’t stop thinking about what could have happened if we hadn’t been interrupted, shoot, I still do; but most importantly… I have been so anxious until now, San Lang. This might sound silly since we don’t really know each other, but the moment we separated, I felt like a part of my heart died. I, I…”
“Gege,” Hua Cheng pleaded, gently touching Xie Lian’s shoulders and leaning down to be at eye level with him. “Breathe.”
Xie Lian obediently followed his words, realizing that he had been rambling with no end. He took a deep breath to calm himself, his eyes never leaving Hua Cheng’s face, and after two more breaths, he admitted shyly, “En. Now with San Lang… I finally feel like I can breathe again.”
The world was spinning before Hua Cheng’s eyes. Perhaps he should have followed his own advice and taken a few deep breaths to calm down, because before he knew it, their roles had reversed. Now Xie Lian was the one holding him, a cease of worry appearing between his eyebrows, as he called hesitantly, but oh so sweetly, “San Lang…?”
“Those words you said about the part of your heart dying,” Hua Cheng began quietly, smiling softly. “Would you believe me if I said I thought the same thing yesterday?”
“Oh, San Lang,” Xie Lian murmured tenderly as his hands moved around Hua Cheng’s middle again to give him a bone-crushing hug, refusing to let go. He buried his face in his chest and inhaled deeply. “I’m so sorry I left like that. I was so embarrassed. I thought I was reading too much into your words and the way you looked at me… And then I thought we were going to kiss,” he laughed awkwardly before groaning. “I even closed my eyes! I was waiting for that magical moment. But in the end, it didn’t happen.”
So we did feel the same way about each other. Once realization dawned on him, Hua Cheng desperately hugged him back, basking in the warmth of Xie Lian’s soothing embrace. It felt good… to be hugged like that. “En. Your friend had a really great timing,” he said, unable to suppress the wry chuckle that rose in his throat. Of all the times she could have shown up at his door, she chose the one that was crucial to his and Xie Lian's future.
Future, huh, Hua Cheng caught himself thinking, and another doubt popped up in his mind. Even though Xie Lian came back into his life, willingly making such a decision, what did that actually mean for them?
Slowly pulling away from the hug, Hua Cheng gently cupped Xie Lian’s face in his hands and tenderly stroked his cheeks with his thumbs, coaxing the other man to look into his eyes. “Gege, now that we are reunited… what do you plan to do next?”
Upon hearing the question, Xie Lian looked away for a moment; however, as soon as their eyes met again, he looked determined. He placed his delicate hands on top of Hua Cheng’s, squeezing them tightly. “Yesterday, I met a wonderful man,” he began in a serious tone. “He was kind and sweet, and he let me stay for dinner on such a special day—a day people usually spend with family. He made me feel important to him, even though we didn't know each other. He smiled and laughed, making me believe it was real.
“But I saw through your mask, San Lang,” Xie Lian confessed, looking incredibly sad. His eyes filled with tears again. “You looked so, so sad when you smiled. I was worried about you, but we were practically strangers to each other; I didn’t know if it was my place to ask. So I tried my best to make that day… pleasant for you,” he admitted quietly.
“You did,” Hua Cheng said, and he really meant it. “It was one of the best days of my life lately.”
Xie Lian smiled briefly, then slowly lowered their clasped hands to their sides. Hua Cheng watched their intertwined fingers with quiet admiration; but soon his heart sank when he finally heard the question he had been dreading for so long.
“San Lang, would you like to talk about it?”
He didn’t specify what exactly he meant. But Hua Cheng knew, nonetheless; he saw the way Xie Lian’s eyes flickered from him to the table behind them.
Everything looked the same as yesterday when Xie Lian left.
Even Hua Cheng himself.
“Gege didn’t answer my earlier question, but… that’s for the better, I guess,” Hua Cheng laughed dejectedly. “I have a feeling about what you might say; and maybe it would be good for you to know what a sad and pathetic man I am before you make your final decision.”
Xie Lian breathed sharply. “I won’t change my decision! I already made it yesterday, San Lang; I am just following my heart, and without you, it’s broken in two, crying with loneliness.”
“But we barely know each other,” Hua Cheng argued stubbornly, looking down to avoid Xie Lian’s gaze. “Once you realize how miserable I am—”
“I won’t! San Lang, I want to make this clear: I don’t pity you. My worries come from a completely different source, and I—” he trailed off, taking a deep breath, “Maybe I should have made my feelings for you clear from the very start.”
And just like that, he cupped Hua Cheng’s face in his hands and urged him to lean in—using that strength that had made Hua Cheng marvel at yesterday—and kissed him, fulfilling what had been taken from them yesterday.
The kiss, although simple, brought tears to Hua Cheng’s eyes.
“San Lang,” Xie Lian whispered lovingly between their lips, his cheeks flushing red at his bold move. “I love you. I loved you from the moment you invited me, a complete stranger, into your home. I can’t imagine my life without you anymore.”
Hua Cheng couldn’t find his voice as his emotions took over him. He closed his eyes and rested his forehead against Xie Lian’s, trembling.
He was accepted by him. And more importantly, loved.
Xie Lian immediately embraced him. “I’m not any better, San Lang; everyone has their own issues to work on. If you want to cry, then cry. If you want to scream, that’s fine too—release all the bad emotions from your heart. But if you just want to lie in silence… I will hold you tight until you feel better. You are not alone anymore, San Lang. From now on, we will work through everything together.”
“If someone had told me that the love of my life would one day knock on my door… I would have laughed at them, gege. This is so unbelievable,” Hua Cheng admitted, hugging Xie Lian tightly. “Maybe I’m lucky, after all, even though I have thought otherwise my whole, damn life.”
“I told you I felt a strange pull to your house. It must be fate,” Xie Lian mused quietly, and a calm, satisfied smile appeared on his lips. “I found the reason to stay.”
“What about your friend, though?”
“Ahahaha… you see…” Xie Lian scratched his forehead awkwardly. “She felt bad about yesterday. She knew I was a little… downhearted and absent for the rest of the evening,” he explained. “She drove me here today, actually. She said…” he trailed off to clear his throat, “to pursue my man.”
Hua Cheng leaned back and raised his eyebrow. “Really.”
Xie Lian’s whole face was red. “Mhm,” he murmured, fidgeting with Hua Cheng’s shirt, still in his arms. “How about… I will run a bath for San Lang to relax a little bit. Then… we can drink some tea and talk. I really want to get to know you better, San Lang. I want to know about your past, your worst and good times. I want to know what San Lang likes, what he dislikes… There are so many things I want to ask you.”
“Will you hold me when I tell you about my past?”
Xie Lian smiled sympathetically, slowly intertwining their fingers and bringing them to his lips for a kiss. “Of course. I will hold you and never let go.”
.
.
.
Hua Cheng became the reason Xie Lian was looking for. But Xie Lian became Hua Cheng’s reason as well—to become strong and fight for a better version of himself. Together. Forever.