Chapter Text
It’s been a few days since the sad realisation of his teammates’ lack of love and care. Meanwhile, Sam has kept him company; like occasionally staying the night in Steve’s flat, and inviting Steve out for a brunch or training. Sometimes, it would be Steve’s turn to crash Sam’s apartment, they would watch movies and the other would teach Steve knowledge of the current world.
Everything has been going great, though the soldier would still have nightmares on his previous life, it’s difficult for him to ignore those feelings of lost and longed for places he would belong.
However, everything starts to go downhill the moment Steve and Sam have encountered a criminal named ‘Winter Soldier’ while they were jogging.
The masked man tried to shoot them, which luckily, both men dodged at the same time causing it to hit the tree behind. Soon, many other men followed behind, attacking them at once. This would be tough as the masked man was found to be quick and powerful; his gunshots were precise and calculated; each shot was meant to be deadly.
Both men were not in proper gear, all they could do was use what they have around them, adapting to their environment. Steve quickly sent out a distress code for the Avengers, alerting them of the current threat. Sam was quick on his moves, escorting citizens to safety, all while dodging hits and bullets.
They were a gang of some sorts, while the man with metal arms is the leader or some sort. Unfortunately, that’s all Steve knows. What they want from them? This confused Steve as well, because no one knows what Captain America looks like; aside from the skinnier version of him shown in the museum. Unless, they are not after him, but rather…him.
“Ironman to Captain America, do you copy.” A voice bursts through his earpiece. He has learnt not to remove the earpiece unless he’s at Stark’s Tower.
“Yeah.” Rogers used a trashcan lid as his temporarily shield, blocking out bullets.
“Status?” The man’s voice was sharp.
“Fighting a group of men, one presumably unknown. One key feature is an iron left arm, with a red star on top. Any idea who he is?” Steve questions, while fighting one of the men.
“No idea. JARVIS?” Tony shouted in the end, then replies after a short while, “One of HYDRA’s goons known as the ‘Winter Soldier, other than that, no idea.”
“Great.” Steve exclaimed, “We need some backup! I don’t have the correct gear, Sam doesn’t either.”
“Sam?” Tony said, “Alright… but the thing is, currently no one is free to help. Me myself included. SHIELD gave each of us some mission to finish off. Just hold on, I believe you can do it.”
“Wonderful, Captain out.”
Steve focused back onto the field, he could see Sam using a gun he stole from one of those men. Everything was in total chaos, though he’s surprised on how durable the trashcan lid is, it’s taken bullets over bullets, still intact aside from some indent. He would consider this as last resort from now on.
“STEVE!” Wilson shouts from across the street, “THE MAN’S HEADING YOUR WAY!”
Rogers pushed off the man attacking him to brace himself from the leader’s attack, while Sam took care of the others. The Winter Solider used a pocket knife to fight him, hands on. All Steve could do is block and occasionally get some blows, but not doing much damage. The masked man kicked the lid, leading the cover to fly away while Steve held the handle. ‘Oh shit.’ Was all Steve could think before he has to fight without any sort of weapon.
He blocks hits similar to the boxing style, but the only difference is that the opponent has an actual weapon in his disposal. The Winter Solider lunged forward and tried to slice Steve’s throat, in return, Steve dodged and grabbed onto the face mask. The man sensing danger and flipped backwards causing the mask to fall off.
Steve stares. He recognised that face. It cannot be. It couldn’t be.
That’s James ‘Bucky’ Barnes right there.
Alive.
Steve couldn’t move from his spot, all he can muster is to stare into those eyes that once looked at him with warmth. Now, there’s only blank hollow eyes.
Sam defeated most of the enemy and turned to look at Steve. He could see the captain’s eyes blown wide, his body tensing and his face in a state of shock. Wilson is confused, he doesn’t know what has caused Steve to be in this state, but what he knows is the enemy is about to charge at him.
“Bucky…?” Steve almost whispers, still staring into the other’s face.
“Who’s Bucky?” A gravelly voice shot right into Steve’s ears, unmistakable. That’s his best friend. His lover.
“B-but… do you not recognise me?” Steve forced himself to speak.
“I don’t know you.” Bucky deadpanned before rushing towards him.
Steve didn’t move; the action of dodging didn’t even flash across his mind; all he could think of is that Bucky is alive. ALIVE.
“STEVE!” Sam rushed over, tackling him out of the way.
Bucky missed, looking back at both men. Without a word, he grabbed his mask and left, someone other assassins follows him leaving those who couldn’t behind.
“Steve!” Wilson helped Steve to sit up, “Are you alright? Who was that?”
“T-that…” Rogers swallowed, “That’s Winter Solider… a-and… he’s Bucky.”
“Bucky…” Suddenly realisation came over him, “You don’t mean…”
“Yeah… he- “Steve choaked, “He’s alive.”
“Oh Steve.” Sam looks down at the man, knowing full well how this information will taunt him.
Before anymore conversations could be made, a SHEILD agent approached them.
“Captain America, Sergeant Wilson.” He greeted, “Is everything alright?”
“Yeah.” Wilson spoke up, knowing Rogers couldn’t, “We encountered a man named Winter Soldier, we concluded that he may be after Captain America.”
“Thank you for the information.” The agent replies swiftly, “Please follow us. We’ll bring you both back to SHEILD. The director would like to speak to you.”
“Erm…” Sam spoken up, “Is it possible that we meet him another time? I think we both need medical attention.”
“No worries, Sergeant Wilson. There will be a medic team waiting for you.” The agent replied straight away, as if already anticipated this request.
“Right, but I also mean by some rest.” Sam objected, “Let Fury know we’ll chat-“
“It’s fine.” Steve cuts in, standing up straight, which Sam soon follows, “Please lead the way.”
“Brilliant.” The man smiled politely, “Right this way please.”
As that person escorted both men into the van, Steve saw many others working around the scene of crime. They were collecting evidence, cuffing those unconscious men they defeated and to find some possible tracks which tells them where the Winter Soldier went.
Both sat at the back, granting them a piece of mind and privacy.
“You sure you’re alright?” Wilson looks concerned.
“I can manage.” Steve replies.
“Really? Because I know even a captain requires rest, especially after that… encounter.” Sam’s eyes never left Steve, eyeing him and see whether he’s really speaking the truth or not.
“You don’t have to worry about me.” Steve smiles softly, “You should be the one I’m concerned about. You took some very bad hits, and you’re bleeding from multiple cuts.”
“You’re the one to talk.” Sam shoots back rolling his eyes, “Using a trashcan lid as a shield? Creative, but please don’t do that again.” This caused Steve to laugh.
“I had to improvise! That’s the only weapon I’m familiar with.” Steve did some movements of throwing his shield, “You don’t expect me to run into field unarmed, do you?”
“Nope.” Sam chuckled, “But I expected you to grab a gun or something. It’s everywhere, you know?”
“Nooooooo.” Steve shook his head, “I really don’t like guns, reminds me too much of the war.”
“Oh yeah! I nearly forgot about that.” Sam rubs his chin, “Is that why you prefer to use hands-on combat style instead?”
“Yeah.” Steve looks out the window, “That’s one of the reasons.”
“Hum.”
Comfortable silence fell over them, both men tired from all the fighting.
They soon arrived where a few doctors checked them over and made sure everything’s covered before sending them up to see Fury. Nothing much happened during their conversation, Nick only asked relevant questions which Steve reported back like a solider in command. The meeting lasted for nearly 2 hours, having Steve and Sam both file a report regarding today’s encounter, then they were asked to leave and rest for the day.
Sam tried his best to crack jokes from time to time, talking to Steve about fascinating facts to try and distract Rogers from the memory. They chatted way-up until both literally reached Steve’s floor. Unfortunately, due to Sam’s job, he had a meeting that’s an hour away. This led him to leave Steve alone, though he insists the captain must call him if anything came up. Steve laughed light-heartedly while literally pushing Sam out the door. That man cares way too much for him, which Steve is grateful for since that’s exactly what he needs, but Sam has his own work; you can’t allow him to be staying here 24/7.
---------- cut ----------
“Jarvis.” Steve said, “What time is it.”
“It’s currently 2:30, Steve. I suggest you to eat something before resting.” The soothing voice once again rushes into his ears, “After a fight, it’s best to consume some calories. It’s essential for your body to function.”
“Noted. Thanks Jarvis.” Steve sighs.
It’s only been one hour since he arrived back. He hadn’t moved from the spot since Sam left him, not even an inch. Steve is currently sitting on the bar stool in front of the kitchen island, eyes blank and his mind a mess.
All he could think about is Bucky. The face and the metal arm. What has he been submerged into, forced to endure for him to be unable to recognise Steve. This made his disquiet curled, the feeling of uneasiness and guilt started to form. He couldn’t shake the feeling of regret. What if he had been quicker to save Barnes? What if he was stronger and braver, would he not have dragged Bucky into this messed up world?
Steve clutched his hands tightly together, so tight that they both turned white. He bites his bottom lip until it drew blood.
His mind going over every possibility as to why Bucky is still alive and why is he acting hostile towards him. Who is behind all of this? Who reformed HYDRA to bring his dead friend back? Or was he even dead in the first place.
All the possibility flooded his senses, he didn’t even hear someone knocked at the door, right until JARVIS once again announced someone is waiting to see him.
“Steve, the whole team is here to see you. Tony is currently at the door to get you, or should I rephrase to ‘drag you down’, should I let him in?”
“The whole team…?” Steve is confused, heads unclenching, “What do they want?”
“They declared to know about the fight you had with Mister Wilson this morning.” JARVISE replies.
“…” Steve noticed how they only care about the information and not whether he’s well. Though he understands where they are coming from, “Let Stark know I’ll meet them in the common area, I have to chang a set of clothes first.”
“Of course.” The Ai replied once again, leaving Steve in silence.
“I better take a shower as well…” Rogers said to himself.
He then did just that. Peeling the damaged shirt off his body, which has stuck to his skin due to the blood. He didn’t realise he had multiple deep slash wounds until the medic checked on him, he also had bruises littering his body. Steve is confident most will fade away by tomorrow. He ripped the bandages off his body without care, causing him to winced. It burns.
The shower didn’t make it much better, it hurts and the hot water caused them to burn more. It’s an unpleasant experience, but he had to look presentable when facing the team. Therefore he had to endure this torturing experience. Even though him washing off the dirt and dried blood, the bruises on his body cannot be cleaned; he hopes they wouldn’t be concerned over the small cut and bruises on his face and neck. Stepping out the shower, he grabbed his med kit and got to work. Rebandaging slashes and apply some Arnica cream to quicken the healing process for his bruises.
It took Steve 30 minutes to get ready and reach the floor where everyone waited.
The moment he stepped in, he was greeted by the team.
“Captain!” Tony exclaimed, “What took you so long? We’re all rotting in this sofa by the time you arrived.”
“Tony.” Steve nods, “Team.”
“Damn.” Clint exclaimed, “They really took a load on you, huh? Cap.”
“Yeah.” Steve rubbed his neck as he sat down on the couch next to Thor, the only other person that treats him normally.
“You alright, captain?” Thor asked, observing the tinier man beside him.
“He’s fine.” Tony waved his hand, “Such jerks wouldn’t take the cap out, am I right?”
“Yeah…” Steve smiles softy, slightly awkward.
“So, who’s the bad guy?” Natasha asked, uncaring for captain’s state, or so she tries to show that.
“Eh- “Steve swallows, trying to not let his emotions overwhelm and take control over him. “He’s known as the Winter Solider.”
“Winter Soldier?” Bruce adds, “Isn’t that a myth?”
“A myth?” Steve questions, now confused.
“Yeah!” Clint exclaimed, “I remember hearing something about HYDRA’s little experiment. Though little were known.”
“He’s not a myth.” Natasha said strictly, “I’ve seen him before, during one of my missions before. It was a while back.”
“You’ve seen him before?” Tony asked, “He big and scary? Cuz Cap over here looks like he’s been ran over by a truck.”
“Very.” Natasha leans forward, “He’s been injected by something greater than the serum within captain’s body. They call him the super soldier. He’s quick, strong, over powered. No one survives if he’s kept an eye on you. The best assassin out there.”
“Then Capsicle over here is lucky to be alive!” Tony smirked, “Definitely ain’t a match for us then.”
Currently. All Steve can think of was what Natasha has said. Bucky was experimented on, that means not with his consent. He’s been injected with something stronger than the serum; he couldn’t even imagine the pain he had gone through. He doubts those people from HYDRA would care about his wellbeing. He started to fidget with the hem of his shirt, eyes unfocused as he relayed the information.
“Cap?” Thor asked beside him.
That caused Steve to snap out of his state, but he felt like he wasn’t in the room, it’s like someone was autopiloting his body.
“Yes?” Steve answers.
“We lost you for a sec there, are you sure you’re alright?” Bruce asked softly, uncertainty written over his face.
“Yeah.” Steve swallows, “I think I need to rest, maybe that’s why I’m zooning out.”
“You do you, cap.” Tony replies, “We’ll let you know if any more information came up regarding the armed and dangerous Winter Soldier.”
“Yeah, rest well, captain.” Clint said.
Others took their turn to say similar words, though Steve didn’t fully listen to any one of them. A sudden thought crossed over his mind, he didn’t move and continues to sit there.
“Umm…” Tony spoke up, “You not resting, cap? Got anything in your brilliant mind?”
Steve looks up, face blank. He stares into Tony as he spoke the following words.
“We have to go after him.”
“Woah there Capsicle!” Tony raised his hand in a dramatic surrender, “Ler’s not rush things, alright? I know you’re pissed off by him attack you and Sam, but you have to chill. It’s a dangerous world out there, I’m sure you know. It ain’t like back in the days anymore.”
“Yeah, captain.” Natasha adds on, “I’ve seen him myself. He’s not someone you should mess with unless you’re sure of their weakness.”
Steve was too tired to care, he can’t control his mind. The next word coming out his mouth made him regret ever staying.
“I knew him.” Steve blurted out.
As expected, the whole team went ballistic.
“What?!” The team exclaimed in unison.
“And you don’t bother to let any of us know?!” Tony nearly shouted into Steve’s face.
“I didn’t know until now, alright?” Steve stressed, “I-I just saw his face today, and I thought, well, he’s dead!”
“Not cool keeping all that information to yourself.” Tony crossed his arms, “Not cool.”
“Is he from your time then?” Bruce asked, “Another human frozen?”
“I hope so.” Steve looks down, “I hope so.”
“Does he not remember you?” Natasha questioned, “You guys close?”
“Close cannot even describe it.” Steve smiles a little at the memories they shared together.
“So besties then.” Tony cuts in, “Why did you not bother to say anything at the start, huh? And why the long face, I’m sure you are happy that the once dead friend from your time came crawling back, hum?”
Steve looks up, scrunching his face up. Happy? HAPPY? Maybe if Bucky was normal, he would. But the truth is, he isn’t. He’s been enduring pain over and over, for god knows how long. He’s sure Barnes would be a few years older than him by now, since Natasha said she had seen him a few years back.
“I didn’t tell you because I couldn’t.” Steve deadpanned.
“Couldn’t?” Tony raised an eyebrow, “What is it that it’s soooooo hard for our captain to speak up about his bestie that’s currently, mind you, killing people and hunting you down? Pray tell me, captain. What part of it is that hard?”
“I’m sure captain has his reasons.” Thor replies for Steve, “It’s similar with me and Loki. If he were dead and brought back to be a villain, and he doesn’t remember me, I would go mad too.”
“But… I think captain, you could at least let us know?” Clint spoke up, he was polite but definitely not thrilled with Steve withholding information regarding his relationship with Bucky.
“Alright. I give up” Tony turned around and tossed his hands up, “Cap, you’re officially off this mission.”
Steve blinked, he couldn’t believe his ears.
“I beg your pardon?”
“You heard me.” Tony turns backs around, “You. Are. Off. The. Team. Or do I have to spell it out for you.”
“I’m the captain.” Steve objected, “I’m the one that gives orders, not you.”
“Since you had person connection with the enemy, we couldn’t allow you to confront him.” Tony said in a matter-of-fact tone, “We can’t trust you not to screw this up for us. Who knows whether you would free him, or hell! Not fighting back. Hum? Do you believe you could take him down without hesitation?”
“I- “Steve cuts himself off.
He knew what Tony all said were true, but he wants them to know how much this matters to him. He cares for Bucky. He understands this is a mission that will require him to capture Bucky, but he just wants to see him one last time before he’s taken away. He wants to be the one that brings him back, for get him memories back himself. He knew Bucky. He isn’t heartless, he has a kind soul.
“He’s my friend.” Steve tries again, “I need to be there for him! I can’t allow him to drift further down the rabbit hole; I need to safe him myself. And besides, Thor can go after his brother Loki, why can’t I go after my friend?”
“Not a chance.” Tony shot the idea down. “And Thor is different.”
“Tony- “Clint tries to argue.
“Don’t.” Stark glared at Clint, “Captain will not be going. That’s the end of this meeting.”
Steve is in disbelief.
“Fine.” Steve pursed his lips together, “Good meeting everyone, I will now go back to rest. Fun talking to you all.”
He left without a word, Tony is still mumbling about how untrustworthy Steve is after this meeting, and how Steve is irresponsible for his actions. The captain really couldn’t care less, the team can think what they want; but one thing that won’t change is his concern over Bucky. He will get him home himself. One day.
---------- cut ----------
Steve was left once again with his own thoughts, he couldn’t believe his team. Is that how they view Steve Rogers? Do they only want Captain America and not Steve Rogers in any point during his missions. He understands the importance to lead and keep calm, but sometimes, he’s a human underneath as well.
Steve tries to understand why Thor and Steve is so different, he knows Thor is a god, but that doesn’t mean Steve couldn’t be included in a mission that saves his own friend. And besides, whose going to lead them after this? Steve cares about their wellbeing, but it seems they do not care about Steve’s.
This frustrates Steve a lot. And it also hurts him.
“Oh Bucky…what happened to you.” Steve mumbles, now sat on his bed.
It hurts him to think about all the possibilities on what they’ve done to Bucky, what Bucky must has felt during those them. That metal arm… it bothers him. It was surely a prosthetic; this means HYDRA would have- Steve involuntarily winced at that thought.
Shaking his head. Steve tries to clear his mind of the vivid images conjured up by his brain, he could imagine every little details of what could’ve happened. This possibility would be the worst side effect of drawing too much, fake images come to life before his eyes.
Looking on his bedstand, the clock read ‘3:00 a.m.’.
Sighing, Steve realised he’s done it again. Every time something that triggers his memories of his past, his mind won’t leave him alone. The aftermath would be him sitting on his bed and staring off to the distance for hours. His body would go offline while his mind work overtime.
He debated whether he should sleep, but knowing himself, he will have a nightmare if he dares to fall asleep now. Therefore, he decided it’s best to get some fresh air.
“Steve.” JARVIS warns him, “I do not recommend you leaving in such hours of the day. The crime rate has increased recently, and it’s not safe, even for you, Captain.”
“It’s fine, Jarvis.” Steve smiles, “I just got to unwind my brain, got a lot on my plate. A late night walk might be what I need.”
“I’ll let Mister Stark know.” The Ai informed.
“Wait.” Steve instantly replies, “Don’t tell him. We’re- how to I put it…we’re not exactly on the right foot.”
“I understand, Steve. But I must inform someone of your departing, they may help you if you were to encounter troubles.” JARVIS explains patiently.
“…” Steve put his shoes on, “Alright. If you must.”
“Thank you for your understanding, Steve. Please do bring your earpiece with you, as it’s very dangerous. Not that I doubt your skills, no offense.”
“Non taken.” Steve opens the door, “I’ll see you in a bit.”
“Stay safe.” That’s the last Steve has heard of JARVIS until he left the tower entirely.
Steve went to a little park, it’s where he normally stays in during these harder than usual days. The wind lightly caresses his skin; the cold causes his skin to tingle. It’s the perfect spot for him to have a piece of mind.
Suddenly, there’s rustling from behind. Steve turns around sharply to see a dark figure standing not a mile away from him. One thing that caught his eyes were the slight shine on their left arm.
“What do you want?” Steve asks, standing up to brace himself from attack.
“You knew me.” Bucky’s voice rings in Steve’s ears, it sent shivers down his back.
“Yeah.” Rogers still held his defensiveness; afraid it’s some sort of trick to capture him. “And you’ve been stalking me.”
“You called me Bucky.” The soldier said, without missing a beat. “Who are you.”
“Once was your friend, now enemies.” Steve tries to keep it brief, afraid it’s some kind of HYDRA’s tricks on getting information.
“Friends?” Bucky stayed underneath the shadow, but Steve could tell he’s confused.
“Friends.” Steve replies.
“Who am I really?” Barnes asked, seemingly to want more information from Steve, “And how did we meet?”
“Erm…” Steve swallows, “You are James ‘Bucky’ Barnes, a fierce solider that has a big heart. You and I were childhood friends, best friends. Do you remember? Times when we fool around instead of studying? Times when we would just sit by the lake, you would rest while I draw?”
Steve tried to ignite the missing memories from Bucky, he really hope he would soon remember him.
“Y-you…” Bucky voice lost his steadiness, “You and I…I-I don’t-“
“Please try to remember, Bucky.” Steve stepped forward, almost pleading. “You came to me for answers, please try to recall your memories. Please.”
Before Bucky could answer, someone shouted from a far distance for Steve. This caused Bucky to run away. Steve cursed, and disappointment filled him.
“CAPTAIN!” Tony’s voice pierced through the air.
“Over here.” Steve walks over, still slightly shocked by the unexpected visit.
“What the hell were you thinking!” Tony exclaims, walking towards Steve in full speed. “Do you know what time it is?!”
“Well-“ Steve tries to explain.
“You’re coming back with me.” Tony grabs his forearm, dragging him away. “I don’t care what you have to say, but this is stupidity. Even for someone like you, cap.”
“I was just- “Steve tried again, but of course failed.
“Shut your mouth and follow me back.” Tony cuts him off harshly, “I really don’t understand you, Captain. Is it that hard to not run after Bucky? Especially during this ungodly hour.”
“I wasn’t-“ Steve tried to counter Tony again.
“I said zip it.” Tony glared at him, “I think I don’t know what’s going through your mind? Going after your best friend in the past, trying to bring him back even when he clearly doesn’t know who you were. Come-on cap, just give it up for once. That man’s brainwashed, it would take time for him to even remember who his mother was.”
Just like that, Tony scolded him through out their walk back. Steve felt nice knowing Tony at least cared about his wellbeing, but deep inside, he knew it’s only because Tony thought he was going after bucky. He wasn’t wrong about him wanting to save Bucky and talk senses into him, but he has to at least try.
He felt bad for causing Tony to run after him, even though he didn’t need it. It also pains him that Tony didn’t come over due to concern over his wellbeing. It’s a weird thought, because he’s the Captain America, a super solider as well, people knew that. Therefore, they all seems to ignore his potential danger as they all believe him to be able to escape, or fight his way out.
He was once again left alone in his bed.
Sleep never came. It’s agonising.
All he could think of was the surprise contact with Bucky, how he came over to question Steve due to curiosity. Steve only hopped for the best, hoping no one from HYDRA found out about this little conversation and allow him to keep his memories.
Thinking about these are stressing him out, the team not supporting him made it worse. He has thought about chatting to Sam, but Steve hates to bring the other down his bottomless dismay. All Steve could do is to suck it up. Bottling every emotion as much as he can in order for him to do his job as leader, and stopping emotions to disrupt him. That’s what he kept on telling himself; which doing it is harder, way harder.
He tossed and turned; it was another restless night for Steve. He only hopes tomorrow will be better and grant him a peace of mind, though he doubts it will.
TBC.