Chapter Text
“Dude wake up!”
When Matthew slowly opened his eyes, Alfred was towering over him, way too close for comfort. In the barely lit room, Matthew could see his brother still dressed in the exact same clothes he had been wearing when he had come home; a red and white T-shirt and some shorts, despite the freezing temperatures. Matthew slowly opened his eyes, and as he did so, his brother basically bent over the bed, squishing him as he jabbed his stomach with his full fist in an attempt to support his weight.
“What’s going on..?” The Canadian winced in pain, trying to push Alfred off of himself with the hand that wasn’t obstructed.
“Fucking finally man! You wouldn’t wake up, like at all!”
Alfred basically beamed, flashing a quite suspiciously wide grin. Seeing the familiar glint of an heinous idea spark in Alfred’s eyes, Matthew’s brain sprung into survival mode. With the reflexes of a war veteran, he let the last traces of sleep dissipate and woke himself up to quickly flip through recent events to determine what his brother could possibly need on a Tuesday morning.
“Mattie-”
“I already went grocery shopping on Sunday if that’s what you’re gonna ask.”
“You did? Did ya get me the snacks I asked for?”
“Uh.. yeah I th-”
“Wait! That’s not what I’m here for!” Alfred suddenly shouted, cutting him off. “Promise you won’t freak out."
Matthew narrowed his eyes, his expression furrowing into a light frown he hoped to hide by rubbing his face.
“Depends..?”
“Good enough!”
Finally, Alfred moved off from on top of his brother to sit like a somewhat normal person on the edge of the bed. He was still sitting on one of Matthew’s legs, but his pained winces were met with deaf ears and very little regard for his wellbeing.
“Okay so- BEFORE you say anything, It’s a bro code emergency!”
“Right.” Matthew sighed. “Wait.. what time is it..?”
“Err.. like 5 AM? Anyway-”
“5 AM?!”
“Anyway!!” Alfred took a deep breath, shushing Matthew with his finger like he always did. When would he learn that incredibly irritated him? “What classes do you have tomorrow- well, today?”
Matthew blinked hard, staring at his expectant brother with bloodshot eyes and no clue what he was going on about.
“Umh… just one, I think..”
“When?”
“11:30, today is my slow day. Why…?”
“Dude- Ok! Listen closely..” He clasped a cold hand on Matthew’s bare shoulder, making him shiver. “I have a lecture today at 8, it’s like 2 hours long- BUT! I also have an e-sports tournament at 9:30…”
“Alfred-”
“Before you say anything just hear me out!! It’s a european thing, you wouldn’t get it, but it’s like super important so-”
“Al, get to the point.”
“Jeez okay!” He recomposed himself and put on his best puppy eyes, the ones Matthew had spent his entire life fearing. They were never a good sign; Afred could get whatever he wanted the second he insisted hard enough, and that pleading, desperate look he had long mastered was his final weapon. Whatever he was about to ask, was surely gonna inconvenience Matthew beyond human comprehension.
“Can you like, put on my jacket and stuff and go as me?” Alfred finally asked, his confidence not faltering for even a second.
“Again?! Can’t you just skip?!” Matthew strained his voice past his usual tone, making his brother slightly wince. He forcefully snatched his leg from under Alfred’s ass and dragged himself into a seating position, rubbing tiredly at his face with one hand.
“Mattie please!! Y’know Mr.Zwingli takes attendance very seriously!!”
“You said that last time too-”
“It’s not my fault it’s true!”
Matthew sighed, looking away from his brother. “No, I need to do my own work-”
“Dude come on! I’ll do your laundry this week! Please!” Alfred immediately sprung into action, grasping both of Matthew’s shoulders into a death grip. Losing eye contact with the person he was speaking to irritated and slightly panicked Alfred, a little quirk Matthew tended to forget.
“I don’t trust you with my clothes..”
Alfred groaned loudly, squeezing his brother’s shoulders as affectionately as he could.
“You know you’re my favourite brother ever right..?”
That caught Matthew’s attention; he turned his head slightly, a deadpan look on his face as he did his best to express how much he wanted Alfred to leave through body language alone. His leg had gone numb before he could have pushed his brother off of himself and was now starting to tingle uncomfortably.
“Please!! I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t incredibly serious!”
Matthew narrowed his eyes, trying his best to maintain eye contact even if Alfred appeared to him as just a smudge. He pondered for a second as his brother kept staring, his hands still squeezing his poor shoulders a little too hard. He really wanted to say no.. like really really, but were the extra 2 hours of sleep really worth the hassle of having to argue with Alfred over something so irrational? He had already been woken up anyway, going back to sleep would either be straight up impossible or not beneficial at all. He should’ve known Alfred was gonna ask him to do this again after he refused to promise it wouldn’t happen again and insisted Matthew shouldn’t need promises to trust his word- What did that even mean again..? Man he was so stupid!
“That a yes?”
“Wha-”
“Perfect! Thanks Mattie!! I love ya buddy!!”
Before Matthew could object and yell that his intense pondering was in fact not a reluctant yes, Alfred had bolted out the room and shut the door behind himself. Matthew groaned loudly, his sleepy reflexes never stood a chance against Alfred’s mind tricks. Alfred always did this and he had been stupid enough to fall for the same trap- again!
He stayed sitting in bed idly for an unclear amount of time, evening his breathing and trying to piece together what he had gotten himself into and what exactly he had to do today. Alfred didn’t even tell him what lecture it was.. what a prick. Matthew could only hope he’d find some of Alfred’s friends by pure miracle around campus and be able to lie his way through asking them where he was supposed to be that morning. So much stress and for what? Another favour that’s never going to be paid back. Just what he needed right now, truly.
As his body slowly woke up, the pain in his head and chest flared up, painfully grounding him to reality. His chest always did this in the morning, hurt like someone was squeezing his heart from the inside- trippy shit. It made getting out of bed the hardest part of the day on good days, but after years of suffering in silence and taking every pain killer under the sun, Matthew had simply grown to accept that he wasn’t dying and his heart was maybe just a little weak. That never killed anybody right? For all he knew, it could be cancer like it could be anxiety.
Slowly, he reached over to his bedside table and put on his glasses, finally snapping the world back into focus. It was still dark outside, and after a good 30 minutes of groaning, tossing and turning, he managed to turn on a light and heavily drag himself out of bed. He basically moved around the house like a zombie, leaving his brain on autopilot as his body collected the clothes from Alfred’s room before heading to the bathroom.
He locked himself in and was met by his ghostly pale and greasy haired reflection almost immediately, needless to say a shower was well needed. Did he want to shower? Absolutely not, it was too tiring, but he also had to admit he truly couldn’t show up to school looking like this. Matthew knew normally no one would pay attention to him, so it’d be meaningless, but if he had to roleplay as Alfred until the class was over, looking presentable was a must.
He slowly got in the shower and turned on the hot water, slumping against the wall and wincing in pain every time his heart tugged on itself. There was no way he was this out of shape! He even had hockey practice today.. how could standing still in the shower be this incredibly uncomfortable for a rather healthy 21 years old guy?
He freshened up as best as he could, brushing and styling his hair the way Alfred would, but refrained from straightening his curls. He wasn’t that dedicated to the bit, and it wasn’t like people were going to notice anyway.
What he couldn’t force into place with a comb he pushed behind his ears and glasses, firmly locking strands in place wherever he could. He truly hated doing this, looking into the mirror and seeing Alfred instead of himself was sickening, but hey, being useless in the time of need is worse than losing some of his sanity.
Matthew cursed himself everyday for still thinking this way when almost everything inside of him urged his heart to say something, yell no, insult Alfred or make himself completely unavailable. Anything to not act as his brother’s slave.
But he just had to. If he didn’t do it, no one would. He had to step up for Alfred, it wasn’t like he had another identical twin he could rely on. He hated not being thanked but he hated not existing in Alfred’s world more; every cruel joke his brother would make every once in a while was nothing compared to the silence he had to endure from others. If insults were all he was worth to him, he’d take it. Whether he liked it or not, Alfred was the closest thing he had to a friend.
Matthew knew he wasn’t a total walking disaster, he was sure he had some potential, some love he could share with the world. It was unfortunate it was never required of him to be himself, otherwise, maybe, things would be different.
When he left the bathroom, Alfred’s idle chat with his friends over the game became more audible, and as Matthew made his way through the hallway, a reflection of the screen caught his attention: Alfred’s party was full, 6/6 players queuing up and speaking in the voice chat enthusiastically. Alfred was no longer yelling curses or looking a second away from epilepsy, he was slouched on the floor with his head on the couch, fiddling with the headset’s microphone. He’d loudly chuckle every once in a while, then go silent, letting the quiet hum of the conversations on the other end slip out of his headphones.
Matthew was no stranger to videogames, of course. He had his fair share of hours he had horribly spent on overstimulating hero shooters, but never had he played with someone else (other than Alfred, albeit that was a quite rare occurrence). He was fine with that, of course, his playstyle had long adjusted to being able to adapt to anyone he’d randomly play with, he didn’t need a duo or a squad.
He knew he didn’t need anyone, but no matter how much he repeated that to himself, he knew he’d always crave being a part of something. Sometimes he was grateful he never had to experience the heart ache of choosing between speaking up or dying silent, but that only went so far on bad days, when the loneliness ate away at him.
Sometimes, he wondered what he would do if the choice presented itself. He was pretty sure the rational choice would be to stay silent and lie through his teeth in any situation, but any respectable man knows not to trust themselves so much.
What would he do if someone asked how he was doing? He’d probably say fine and smile politely, but what would he do if they insisted?
Did Alfred open up to his friends a lot? How many times has someone bent backwards to try and understand him?
He sure didn’t let himself be vulnerable with Matthew, at least not often, but he also didn’t seem like the kind of guy who would be emotionally available with anyone. In any case, Matthew was sure Alfred knew his friends would likely support him despite anything, so it didn’t really matter.
Did smiling all the time hurt? It didn’t seem like it did, and it wasn’t like Alfred really cared about faking just for the sake of others. He just acted like himself and was loved for it.
Matthew never got to choose between putting up a performance or being himself, there was no one to make the choice for. He’d always been more transparent than glass, something or someone way beyond him had chosen a silent death as his fate long before he had learned to speak. He knew it was better this way, less pain, less drama, but he also knew if he could, he’d choose otherwise.
He knew if he could, he’d choose to be like Alfred.
But was thinking about hypotheticals any use? No. He’d always be Matthew, something even darker than a shadow casted by Alfred’s light.
He knew there was nothing wrong with him, he knew it wasn’t his fault the world was built to work for everyone but him. So what else could he do besides accept an indisputable truth?
When Alfred slowly tilted his head to look behind himself, Matthew realised he probably had been gawking at the screen for an uncomfortable amount of time and hurried back to his room.
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It was 7:45 AM when he got to campus, just enough time to stumble around looking for anyone or anything that could tell him where to go without attracting too many eyes.
Just as he was trying to skim through a notice on a billboard about events in the near future, someone lightly tapped him on the shoulder from behind, making him jump.
When he turned, standing there was Feliciano, whose smile quickly faded into a perplexed expression as soon as he got a look at Matthew’s face.
“Al…fred..?” He asked hesitantly as he scanned Matthew from head to toe, basically squinting at him.
“No, sorry, I’m his brother.”
“Ha ah! I knew something was off! Alfred doesn’t smell this nice.” He chuckled softly, relaxing his posture and expression. “Scusami (sorry) Matteo. It was Matteo, right?”
“Matthew.”
“Of course! Sorry Mat!” He smiled so sincerely Matthew almost felt flustered. He didn’t blame Feliciano for getting his name slightly wrong, but made a mental note to remember he also didn’t get it entirely right.
“Where is Alfred?”
“He won’t be in today, I’m here just to take attendance for him."
"Ohhh! I see! I was wondering what would possess you to walk around with such.. style! Hah- please don’t tell him I said that..”
Matthew hummed in response, mildly amused by the Italian’s antics but not too keen on putting up a show for him. He had nothing against the younger italian, he was nice and charming but just not Matthew’s friend.
Was this why Feliciano wasn’t his friend? Because he didn’t perform for him?
“Vabbè (oh well), sorry for bothering you! I’ll see you around-”
Before he could finish the sentence and walk off, Matthew snapped out of his trance, miraculously getting his thoughts back on track. Priorities first, he had the entire day to dissociate.
“Wait- sorry, Al didn’t really tell me what’s the first class he has today, do you happen to know?”
Feliciano froze mid wave and brought a hand to his chin. His brows slightly furrowed, and after some pondering(?) that left Matthew almost thinking he hadn’t heard him, he swiftly pulled out his phone, typed something and seemingly got a response almost immediately.
“He says it’s a physics lecture on heat and water and stuff! Dunno how those correlate to physics but I hope you can figure it out!” The Italian practically beamed as he swiftly leaned over and kissed Matthew on both cheeks before scurrying off.
“I have to go now, ciao!”
He waved goodbye enthusiastically and hurried off past Matthew. The Canadian watched attentively as he basically ran down the hallway and into the arms of Ludwig, who was waiting for him just before a corner.
Soon, their figures disappeared into the crowd of students, and Matthew was able to focus once again.
Right… he could have just asked. Alfred had been awake all morning playing, he could have just…
Whatever, there was no use crying over it, Feliciano had been nice enough and got it sorted for him, hopefully without mentioning to Alfred why he needed to know. He didn't want his brother thinking of him as any more incapable.
He made his way to the physics lecture hall as fast as he could, hoping to sit down as soon as possible. Despite the way he was dragging his feet, every step seemed to emphasize the weight of the bag that was currently attempting to sever one of his shoulders. His laptop was way too chunky to be carried around, but he’d been putting off finding a solution that’d be easier on his back for so long he had lost all motivation to.
Thanks to any deity watching over him, the classroom was empty when he got there, leaving him the freedom of sitting wherever he wanted. He knew Alfred never sat at the front, so he headed for the last row with slight hesitation and immediately threw his bag over a corner seat.
Maybe the lecture would be interesting? If not, he could always doze off.