Chapter Text
"I'll go wake everyone up,"
James says to Keonho as they finish preparing breakfast for the group. James arrived in the kitchen shortly after Keonho, who had run there. Fortunately, Keonho didn't see anything, or if he did, he didn't mention it for some reason.
And for Keonho’s good, again, Martin doesn’t come to the kitchen until everyone arrives. He just really doesn’t want to stress out while he makes eggs as Martin watches him. Yeah, no need for that.
Seonghyeon and Juhoon come yawning and their eyes sparkle when they take in the prepared food.
They gather around the table and discuss their plans for the day as they eat.
Well, they do, not Keonho though. He is too aware of the tall blonde boy sitting in front of him to participate.
He can’t decide what he wants to escape the most; the fight that they didn’t have, the confrontation about waking up, no actually, sleeping together, or just Martin in general.
Probably the last one, he thinks to himself as he fidgets with the egg in his plate.
“What ‘bout you, Keonho?”
“Yeah- what? Me?”
As much as he wants to run out the front door just because of this moment, he turns to Juhoon who was looking at him with a raised eyebrow. There’s no way he knows, Keonho reassures himself and catches up with everyone.
“Is there anything you’re planning on buying today?”
Oh right, they’re going thrifting today.
“Nothing in particular, maybe some rings and stuff.”
He said gazing at all of them, his eyes stopped at the blonde who was quite literally staring holes into his face. He didn’t stop staring as he told them he wanted to get a jacket, Keonho felt his cheeks burning under his gaze. He averted his eyes when Seonghyeon started talking, he didn’t want to be obvious.
Obvious about what, exactly? He ignored the question that sat in the back of his mind.
He got up to go to his room with Juhoon. They were all getting up to change. He put on his deftones t-shirt and a pair of jeans that hung low on his hips.
“What do you think about this hat?”
Juhoon was checking himself in the mirror looking indecisive, he looked at Juhoon’s reflection in the mirror and hummed.
“The one you tried before was way better.”
Juhoon murmured something like ‘I thought so too.’ under his breath and changed to the previous one. He didn’t avert his gaze from the mirror when he directed a question that made Keonho stop in his tracks.
“So how long are you planning to ignore whatever’s between you and him?”
Keonho choked in his own spit, taken aback as he hurriedly turned to his hyung.
“Nothing’s between me and Martin! Why would you say that hyung?!”
He tried to act like he wasn’t bothered like he didn’t just lash out and toyed with some clothing. He didn’t even know what he was acting like he was picking out.
Juhoon replied as he was heading out, not giving Keonho the time he needed to comprehend nor reply to what he said.
“Whatever makes you sleep at night dude. Oh, I never said it was about Martin by the way.”
It took Keonho five seconds to slap his palm on his forehead in frustration. This thrifting thing was gonna be a hell of a trip. He was so deep in his thoughts that he didn’t see the blonde boy who got in and was leaning on the wall.
“James is gonna whoop your ass if you take a little bit more.”
He jumped with the unexpected low voice, immediately turning to the tall boy who got inside who knows when. Keonho always subconsciously liked hearing his voice. It wasn’t high pitched but it wasn’t too low or too deep. So warm and familiar. Soothing in a way.
He turned back to reality when the boy in front of him raised his eyebrows expectantly.
“Uh, yeah I’m coming in a bit.”
He basically blurted out. He wasn’t even sure he saw it right but the older one’s lips had curved slightly. He got out of the room and waited with others as Keonho got ready, aka waited for his cheeks to turn back to their default color. How fucked up the day already was truly…
They joked about him taking so long for a few minutes but didn’t mind it. James got in the van last as he shut the car door and they took off.
He sat in the back with Keonho who was suspiciously down and quiet today. In front of them sat Martin with Seonghyeon who were apparently talking about some really interesting stuff that Keonho couldn’t get himself to hear. Not like he was trying to obviously.
But everything aside, he was really against their leader having a favorite member, like objectively thinking. He had always paid more attention to what he felt, what he hid, and what he did. Everything about Seonghyeon. Yes, they were trainees together for a long time but it still felt unfair.
They had been driving for one and a half hours when he happened to hear some stuff Martin said to Seonghyeon. Some stuff as in ‘You seem quiet today, Hyeon, is everything fine?’. His heart couldn’t fit in his rib cage suddenly. He had been quiet and sad all day long, not Seonghyeon. He never once asked that fuckass question to him.
Everything just flooded in his brain like they were waiting for this. It wasn’t the first time he felt like an outsider. He remembered the time Martin took Hyeon out to dinner because he felt like his dear member needed affection. It was the day that happened to be one of Keonho’s worst days ever. When he cried that night, it wasn’t because of the shitty day he had, it was because he was invisible to the one man he wanted to be seen by so badly.
The other day he got even more aggressive, his ‘jokes’ towards Martin got sharper. And apparently, his coping techniques haven’t changed since, as he felt his sadness turn into fury as he wiped his tears off. He was thankful for the inside of the van being dark once again.
Screw that, and screw Martin. If they are gonna have that fuckass fight and he is gonna get confronted by his lovely leader, might as well earn it.
The van stopped in an alley. They had decided that it was a good spot with a bunch of cute little shops and thrift spots around.
They got out one by one and James took out their camera, deciding to start filming now. They passed the camera around among themselves, filming content for their fans, mainly talking to the camera and not having one-on-one conversations much. Good for Keonho.
He glanced at some shoes but couldn’t find anything he truly liked, he decided to help James who was between two pairs of jeans, and decided to get both later. He finally got himself to wrap his head around other things and talked with James about their plans for Japan and the things they were planning to buy.
They were all pretty hungry after being a few hours into shopping, Juhoon said he had found a nice dining place within five minutes walking distance. Keonho tried to think about the two walking in front of him less and focus on responding to Juhoon properly more.
They finally arrived at the place before Keonho exploded or something similar happened.
He glanced at the menu for a few minutes with Juhoon and ordered steak along with Seonghyeon and Juhoon. James was trying something new as he always did and Martin had asked for the burger.
He was messing with James about something that happened at the dorm when their food came. There was nothing he wanted more than to eat and get to their dorm right now.
But like what happened today wasn’t enough for him, he once again encountered a sight he didn’t like, at all. Martin was offering his burger to Hyeon so he could take a bite out of it. He seemed to not be able to take his eyes off the scene in front of him. Fuck this meal too.
He looked around when he came to his senses but James was too busy enjoying his food and Juhoon was telling something to their fans, recording himself.
All the urge he had to make things better with his leader that he had when he woke up had slowly eroded throughout the day. All he had was the emptiness inside his heart, which was turning into rage.
He buried his head in his food for the rest of the meal and was relieved when it ended. They left the restaurant together to go back to their van. They talked about their day all together on the way to the dorm.
“Thanks for the beanie you got me, Martin hyung! I’ll wear it often.”
Seonghyeon was smiling looking as pretty as ever and James patted Martin’s shoulder playfully.
“Yah, such a good leader.”
“Yeah, to certain people.”
Maybe he mumbled a little too loudly, maybe he just wanted to get things off his chest or perhaps he wanted to be recognized. But whatever reason was behind it, it sure left the group speechless.
“What did you mean?”
Seonghyeon sounded really confused, no trace of mocking or a knowing cockyness in his voice. Keonho never put any blame on him anyway. He actually felt really connected with him, it made him feel uncomfortable and guilty, acting petty about something that involved him.
“The hell is this behavior?”
Martin silenced Seonghyeon. Whether it was to protect him or not, it wasn’t about him so Keonho didn’t mind that. But he had enough of constantly being called out for his behavior when he was the one feeling like he was an outcast in the first place.
“Fuck you mean ‘my behavior’? I’m just saying that as a leader you can memorize that you have more members than just one once in a while, y’know?”
Yeah, just another day with these two and a very tense atmosphere surrounding three other stressed people. Seonghyeon looked confused and guilty at the same time as James was stressed and he was ready to get in the middle if needed as their oldest, while Juhoon was observing the two per usual.
Martin surprisingly didn’t bite back, instead he looked right into Keonho’s eyes for a bit too long, his gaze sharp but not as dense as before somehow.
Juhoon understood that he didn’t want to have this fight in front of them, which he strongly agreed to, and switched up topics to diffuse the tense atmosphere.
After a few minutes of forced conversations and a tense silence between two certain people, they arrived at the dorm.
Keonho was planning on going straight to his room when he was suddenly pulled to the kitchen by his so-called leader. He didn’t even have the time to react as the blonde boy grabbed his arm, dragged him into the kitchen, and shut the door behind him.
“The fuck was up with your comment back in the van?”
He said, not releasing the shorter boy’s arm. Keonho looked up at him with furrowed eyebrows.
“The fuck was up? I should be the one asking that! Do you really not notice the way you’re acting or do you think I’m dumb?”
“What’s wrong with the way I act?! You’re the one acting like I fucked your whole life up, always talking shit to me.”
They were yelling back and forth at that point, not holding back, just saying anything that came to mind. They had come a little closer while they were shouting at each other, Martin’s grip on his arm tighter.
“Have you ever wondered why I acted like that?”
Fucking perfect. His voice cracked, his vulnerability towards the boy in front of him was leaking from the cracks, but they were both too carried away to stop themselves. He continued, his lips forming a slight pout as he went on, an old habit that he subconsciously made.
“Have you ever asked me if I was fine? Or took me out to dinner? Or- fuck I don’t know has anything ever reminded you of me? Have you ever even thought about me, as you do for Seonghyeon?”
His voice got more confident as he talked, finishing it sharply and then comprehending what he just said with the silence that came after. His lips formed a full on pout, trying to ignore the tears that were slowly coming as he looked down. As he got more aware of the situation, he also noticed that the boy in front of him had loosened his grip on his arm. And maybe if he looked up, he would also see how tenderly he looked at his eyes, and how his eyes seemed not be able to ignore the way his lips looked so full and pouty, stealing glances like he can’t stop himself.
“Fuck… I won’t say this again, so look at me as I talk.”
He said with a steady voice, his hand moved upwards on his arm slowly, and then held his chin, slowly turning his face up, his slightly reddened eyes and pouty lips on display.
“I’m aware of the way I act. I spoil him, I spend time with him, do all of these way more than I would ever do with you.”
Keonho was on the verge of tears and these were certainly not the words he needed. He already knew this, for fuck’s sake. He got annoyed and pushed his hand away when not only his one hand came back to his jaw swiftly, but the other one grabbed his waist, not too tight, not too loose, like he wanted to keep him there, like he wanted to be the only one who held him like this.
“But that’s not because I love him and I hate you. Fuck, it’s the damn opposite, Keonho. You’re messing with my whole system. I can’t take you out to dinner and act like I’m normal about it and not think about it for hours. I can’t ever be fucking normal about you. And when I try sometimes, you push me away, and I can’t stand you doing that to me.”
A tear ran down Keonho’s cheek which was then wiped gently by the boy who just admitted things that were silently causing thunders between them. Keonho didn’t even think about it when he reached out and grabbed his shoulder for support and looked up at him with red eyes.
“I-I just can’t do it, when you act like I don’t exist, I just want you to acknowledge me, whether you find me annoying and hate me or not. Hyung, that’s why I mess with you so much.”
He is silenced with the taller boy’s thumb gently caressing his lower lip. He feels his heart rate rise when he looks at his eyes for a few seconds, like he was asking for permission and Keonho moves his hand from his shoulder to his neck as an answer. The taller boy slowly lowers himself, getting closer to his face…
When the kitchen door opens with a loud noise in the silent room, resulting in Keonho pushing Martin away by his chest as a reflex. James was as confused as Keonho, his eyes moving between the two. Martin was rather annoyed than confused.
“I… just wanted to check since it’s been too long. Are y’all okay?”
The eldest’s question made Keonho realize that the situation looked messy. He just pushed Martin hard by his chest as James got in, well for another reason but James didn’t know that so…
“Yeah dude, we sorted things out. It’s okay now.”
Martin said impatiently, waiting for James to be satisfied with his answer and get out. Well, he couldn’t exactly get what he wanted.
“Really? So happy for you guys. Then come, let’s play some games together.”
Martin could’ve gotten pissed at his hyung and shown him the way out, but after all the fights about not treating people equally and all the misunderstandings, he wanted to be all together and he agreed as James got out.
He didn’t forget to steal a kiss from Keonho’s cheek before rushing out of the room though, leaving the maknae speechless and blushing.