Chapter Text

Swords in hand, he stepped carefully across the clear field. The sun beat down upon him, shining through the scattered trees to the bright green grass under his feet. He couldn't quite remember why he was there or what he was doing, but he felt like there was something important he needed to do. As he turned his head, the fog was now thick with a brisk drizzle of rain shimmering down from the sky; the grass - damp and muddy - though he could have sworn it was dry just a moment before.

It didn't matter now, because there was something he knew he needed to do.

He crept forward and noticed the blurred figure through the fog - the one he'd been looking for - whom was quickly becoming clearer with each passing step.

Have to do it... The lone soldier thought to himself. For them....

He lunged forward, ready to strike - his blade poised to slice clean through the warm body in front of him. The soldier outstretched his arm behind him, then swung. His eyes pierced through the foggy atmosphere with fiery intent. The blade came forward. Blood gushed from flesh as a shoulder was split from it's torso deep into the sternum, until it was suddenly stopped.

“Tch!” He scowled as he tried to pull away, but his sword was now being held in place by strong fingers.

“Levi...” A familiar voice rang out.

The soldier stopped, as he looked up at the figure before him and found that he recognized the face all too well. The neatly parted blonde hair. The intense green eyes. The strong, determined expression. A sudden feeling of sadness and shame came over him as he realized who he'd just murdered...

“Huh!” His eyes shot open, having little control over his body as he let out a breath and gasped for another one - his lungs tight and choking with their need for oxygen. Sitting up - his chest still heaving as he tried to look around through the pitch black - he couldn't yet tell if he was really awake or still dreaming. He reached over and felt around where the nightstand should be for a small box, grasping when he found it and fumbling as he tried to open it. When his shaky hands had finally managed to get it open, he took a match out and gave it a good strike.

Finally... light.

“Petra...” Levi said, reaching over to his side without looking, but found no one was there. “Huh...?” He muttered confusedly as he looked over his shoulder. Wait... He thought. This isn't our...

The Captain blinked several times and shuddered as his mind finally began to come out of its subconscious. He tilted his head down and rubbed his eyes, lightly pinching the bridge of his nose. Goddamnit... The soldier cursed to himself.

Levi took a shaky breath, trying to slow his racing heart beat and content to let the nightmare drift from his memory and be forgotten. But he knew he would never be able to truly escape... They haunted him. The ghosts of a memory that could never truly be forgotten.

Feeling the heat of the match near his fingertips, he opened his eyes and reached it over to the lantern nearby. Satisfied with the light, he put it out; then brought his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, hugging them tightly as he realized he was sitting in sheets soaked with a cold sweat.

It was nights like this that made him glad he slept alone.

He stayed in that position for a while as he took slow, deep breaths and waited for his body to stop shaking. That was all he could really do.

Gingerly, he peeled the sheets off of him, scowling in disgust. His shirt and boxers were even worse, cold and damp and sticking to his body. He swing his legs over the side of the bed, pausing a moment to rest his elbows on his knees and roughly rub his face with both hands. Outside his window, it was still dark... of course.

Levi couldn't remember the last time he woke up after sunrise.

He stood up slowly, putting a hand on his back as he stretched, and reached for his smokes in the nearby cabinet of the tiny room. His hand landed on them with a tired carelessness and a hurried desperation as he fumbled to extract one.

Lighting it with another match, he took a drag and began to calm; allowing the smoke that escape his lungs to drift through the air and wash a chemical induced peace over him. Though, it only helped so much, and it wasn't nearly enough.

Stumbling slightly in the dark, he stepped over to the window where he could see the moon in the sky and a few stars through the thin, scattered clouds. He held his smoke in his mouth as he reached down for the window, having to use both hands and slam it a couple times to get the old, rusty thing to slide open.

“Tchh...” He scoffed tiredly as he brushed his hands together, now sullied with dirt and damp grime. He wiped the gunk off on his shirt, not really caring at the moment because his clothes were already dirty and he felt gross already anyway.

He relaxed as much as he could get himself to and leaned against the wall next to the open window, blowing the smoke from his cigarette into the wind outside. A gust suddenly whipped through. Not too hard, but enough to make Levi shudder as it brushed past his still damp skin and clothing.

From there, the first two things on his mind were tea and a bath. The first thing he had to do was fetch water from the pump outside before lighting a fire in the kitchen stove to heat it. After all, just because everyone else smelled like they lived in a barn didn't mean he had to.

Once the water was hot and the tea was ready, he gathered a clean set of clothes and a towel and headed for the lav, which was less like a lav and more like a closet with a sink and a narrow bathtub behind two wooden stall doors. Luckily though, it was located at the end of the hallway and the toilet was outside, so he didn't have to worry about anyone peeking in accidentally.

The Captain meticulously made sure everything was in it's place before he got started. The lantern on the shelf, his clothes neatly stacked on the stool, the sponge, soap and pot of water in their designated places in and around the tub.

Levi began to undress, carefully peeling the damp cloth away from his skin. As he lifted the white shirt over his head, a small necklace fell from its entanglement onto his chest – a simple stainless steel chain with a small ornament of the same material - and felt it's cold bite as the air cooled the metal.

His dirty clothes he wasn't so careful about, as he tossed his shirt, and then his boxers, into a nearby bucket to be washed. Now nude, he stepped carefully into the bath and kneeled down into it, wrapping his arms around his knees again for a moment as he shuddered from the cold chill in the air.

As he tried to adjust to the temperature, he stared forward at the metal tub of hot water in front of him - its steam teasingly wafting up in gentle wisps as the heat rose into the frigged atmosphere. He finally reached out and grabbed the sponge, quickly dipping it in and soaking it with a generous amount of water before putting it to his neck. He felt his body begin to relax as the warm liquid spilled over his shoulder and down the skin of his chest and back. Slowly moving the hot sponge to the back of his neck, he closed his eyes and let out a sigh as the warmth caused a tingling sensation all over his body.

As he gently glided the sponge over different parts of his body, his mind began to wonder back to the nightmare he had. The sick feeling in his gut lingered even though the dream was long over and far from real.

...But it felt so real. They always did... especially the bad ones.

Petra stood in front of a mirror in a white bath robe as she brushed her long, strawberry blonde hair - her eyes in a deep stare as she slowly ran the brush through the smooth locks - her quiet thoughts accompanied only by the sound of gently rippling water. The room was nice and warm, just the way Levi liked it, thanks to the large fireplace in the masters chambers of the Castle.

“Oi...” A low, quiet voice called to her. “Did you fall asleep?”

She blinked, taking a moment to break from her thoughts. “No. I'm awake.”

“These tubs are amazing.”

“Hmm...” She smirked a little, before standing up and walking towards the voice. She stopped in the bathroom doorway, leaning against the door frame and tilting her head as she laid her eyes on the Captain. He laid relaxed in the bathtub, his nude body submerged in steaming hot water. “Found something you like in thus 'musty old dump'?” She said, recanting his words from earlier that day.

“There are some things to appreciate.” Levi said as he reached over and picked up a bottle of Chardonnay. “Look what I found in the wine cellar.” He turned the bottle around, squinting his eyes at the label. “Fiert'e de Sina, eight years old.”

The strawberry blonde smiled gently, but shook her head. “You go ahead, I'm not really in the mood.”

“Really?” Levi asked curiously.

She just shrugged.

“Suit yourself.” He said as he sat up and positioned himself to open it. “Watch out.”

Petra prepared herself, putting her hand on the doorknob, ready to shield herself with the door.

The Captain grit his teeth a moment as he used his thumb to pop off the cork, sending it flying across the room.

“Ah!” Petra yelped as it bounced off the wall, still startling her though it was nowhere near her. She laughed in amusement as she watched Levi shake off one of his hands, the drink now fizzing and spilling over into the tub.

“Shit.” He cursed as he hung the bottle over the edge of the tub, which continued to drip onto the floor. “Goddamnit.”

“Want me to get a towel?” She asked with as smirk.

“Fuck it...” He huffed lightly, “Come here.” Then outstretched an arm to her, gesturing with his hand. “Take a champagne bath with me.”

She smiled, then turned as she gingerly took off her robe, hanging it on the hook behind the door. He watched as she slowly turned towards him and stepped towards the bath, admiring her now nude body as she said, “That sounds...”

“...Romantic?” He quipped.

“I was gonna say sticky...”

“Heh...” Levi chuckled a bit.

“You don't wanna change the water?”

“It's just wine...” He said with a shrug. “I'm not that much of a neat freak...”

Petra giggled before carefully stepping into the water, straddling Levi as she sat down. “Yes, you are.” She said with a smirk. “I bet you're gonna take a shower after this.”

“Well... yeah. Of course. That's what you're supposed to do.” He said, raising an eyebrow. “How do you take baths?”

“Ha.” She laughed a bit, giving him a mischievous look as she leaned in closer to him, then replied, “In mud.” She quipped, then gave him a peck on the lips. “Sloppy, filthy mud.”

“Ugh...” Levi played along as he rolled his eyes, only half-serious and having to pause a moment as she kissed him again. “...Gross.”

“It's very good for the skin.” She continued, kissing him again. “It exfoliates.”

“Stop.” He said gruffly, but tiredly. “No.”

“Yup.”

Their conversation faded into oblivion as the two exchanged gentle kisses, all other cares melting away in the warmth of each others embrace.

Levi slowly ran his hands up the curves of her body, then gently cupped one over her breast.

“Mmm...” She squirmed uncomfortably.

Levi pulled back a moment to look at her. “What's wrong?”

“Nothing...” She answered. “I'm just a little cold.”

“Ohh...” He acknowledged. “Turn around.” He said and motioned to her.

She did as he suggested, turning and spooning up against him. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders, trying to cover her where the water was not, and hugging her tightly. “Better?”

“Yeah.” She said, smiling happily and wrapping her arms over his.

After washing, Levi dried himself off, then threw on a plain white robe before heading back into the main room. It was still early. No one else would be up for a while yet. He started another fire.

The flame blazed with a warm light and the sweet smell of burning tinder drifted throughout the house. It's crackling ambient noise brought the soldier a sense of peace as it reminded him of simpler times. He stood there quietly for a while, sipping his tea with a robe wrapped around him, his hair still damp and his skin still soft with moisture.

Suddenly, he heard a door click and footsteps coming down the stairs. The familiar figure of a boy with long, blonde hair - half asleep and wrapped in his cloak - slowly wondered into the room. The Captains eyes shifted narrowly, immediately annoyed by the presence of another person, and a bit embarrassed for them to find him standing alone in front of the fire with nothing but a robe over him and sleepy bags under his eyes.

As the young man made it to the bottom of the stairs, he blinked, squinting in the light as he tugged at the cloak around him. “Mmm... Captain?”

“...Hey.” Levi said in a flat, tired tone.

“Ahh... ” Armin mumbled a bit as his face contorted while he tried to adjust his eyes to the light of the fire. “...You really don't sleep much, do you?”

Levi just glared at him, then looked away.

Armin blinked, suddenly realizing in his tired state he'd let his mouth run without thinking again. He pressed his lips together, secretly cringing at himself, then started towards the door, pulling his hood up.

“...Where are you going?” Levi asked, turning after him.

“I, uh...” Armin shuddered, glancing back - now doubly embarrassed. “I have to pee...”

“Oh...” Levi said and turned back to the fire after Armin hurriedly left out the front door, of which through the early morning sky shined in a dark blue light as dawn slowly approached. The cool air wafted inside, causing a frosty breeze to wisp past Levi's exposed feet. Several quiet and uncomfortable minutes went by as he stood there in front of the fire, waiting for the young man to pass him and go back to bed so he could continue being alone.

And he'd be lying if he said he didn't feel kind of shitty after snapping at him earlier that night.

Levi didn't bother to look over when he heard the door unlatch and creek open, followed by the shuffling of footsteps.

“Ah, shit!” He heard Armin spat under his breath following a hard THUD as the blonde clumsily made his way through the darkness.

The Captain curiously turned his head towards Armin and gave him a questioning look as the blonde scuffled towards him, shivering and holding his cloak tightly around himself as he tried to warm up. Levi eyed him for a moment, looking him up and down as a thought crossed his mind. “...Did you wash your hands while you were out there?”

“Huh? Uh... no...?” His subordinate replied as he stopped and looked up at him, his eyes shifting back and forth a moment.

Armin saw the muscles in Levi's face tense in a way that was both subtle and strikingly unsettling. “.....Why?” He said in a low and unpleasant tone.

“Well, there's... not really anything to wash your hands with...”

“There's a water pump...” Levi said. “You could at least rinse them...”

“Oh...” The young man said, a bit flustered. “Bu-but... it's so cold...”

“Tch...” His superior scowled in disgust and turned away.

Armin shivered, then came to kneel down next to the fire.

The Captain's eyes shifted. “...What are you doing?”

“I'm freezing...” The blonde said with a slight scowl. “Do you have a problem with that?”

Levi blinked as he stared down at him, then just looked away.

Armin glanced next to him, up at the Captain a moment, then looked back down at the fire.

The veteran shifted uncomfortably, his eyes wondering a moment before speaking. “You can...” He said quietly, with a slow rasp in his voice, “...Pull up a chair... if you want...”

The blonde looked up at him, but Levi barely made eye contact before turning away.

Armin blinked, then stood up and carefully pulled a chair over to the fireplace as to not make too much noise.

As he sat next to the Captain, it was uncomfortably silent. The young blonde didn't look over at Levi. He focused on the fire, just trying to get warm. He was unnerved by the Captain's presence and wanted to get away from him as soon as he could stop shaking from the cold. Just as he was getting ready to pull himself out of his seat, Levi spoke to him.

“Sorry...” He said quietly, the reflection of the fire shining off his vacant eyes. “...I know I can be kind of a dick.”

The blonde blinked and looked back at him, letting his weight back down onto the chair. He stared at him a moment before he lowered his head and his eyes shifted back to the flames. “Ahh... it's... alright...” He said. “I... I think I get it...”

Levi glanced at him a moment. “...You do?”

“Well... yeah...” Armin said thoughtfully lowering his eyes. “...You must miss her.”

Levi turned away, back to the fire, his expression once again falling blank. The silence drifted through the air, so thick it could seep through the skin. Nothing but the crackling of the fire offered any relief from it.

After a moment, The Captain lowered his head and turned away. “...Stop.”

“...Stop?” Armin said, looking over at him confused.

“Yes... Whatever it is you're doing. Just stop...” He said, his voice barely a whisper.

“I... I'm not...”

“I know what you're doing...” He suddenly turned his head and glared at the boy. “You can read people, can't you?” He continued lowly. “So, you think you can see right through me...right?”

The blonde just blinked and swallowed hard. "I don't understand..."

"Cut the crap." Levi said tiredly. “Smart guy... I don't need to explain it to you.” He scowled as he spoke. “Just stay out of my head, Armin. I don't want you there... And trust me, you don't wanna be there either.”

"Captain... I-I was just...” Armin said quietly, shrugging a little at Levi's sternness. “...I was just trying to say... I understand that you're hurting right now... I..." Armin spoke softly, feeling himself shrink a little. “I'm sorry...”

Levi looked away and closed his eyes, this time his expression more pained then frustrated.

The blonde turned back to the fire, wringing his hands nervously.

“Tch..." Levi said under his breath in the midst of the quiet. "So annoying...” Then lifted his head slightly and opened his eyes. His expression softened and now he just looked exhausted.

Several long moments went by before anyone uttered another word.

Finally, Armin's eyes timidly shifted. His normally sky blue orbs were a greenish-gold in the fire's ambient light. “...It... never gets easier... does it?” He asked softly. “...Losing people...”

Levi blinked, lowering his eyes further. His lips parted as he let out a shallow, tense exhale and his expression slightly softened. “No...” He answered. “It doesn't...”

The blonde continued to gaze at Levi. The Captain could feel his eyes searing into him, but he no longer cared.

“Captain...” He looked over at him with a gentle smile. “I hope this doesn't... sound strange, but...” The blonde said hesitantly. “If... you ever need someone to talk to... you know, I... might not always know what to say... but... um... I'm a good listener...”

Levi blinked and looked over at the blonde through the corner of his eye, then his gaze drifted back down. “...You're... too kind...” He said quietly. But he wasn't saying it so much in appreciation. He meant it literally. Perhaps he didn't feel he deserved that kind of compassion. And frankly, he thought the young man's kindness was the definition of 'to a fault'.

But perhaps it was just his nature to comfort others, the way his friends had always comforted him. To pay forward that kindness in anyway he could. To be helpful as other had helped him. Just to be...

...Useful.

“Thank you...” The Captain said lowly, this time keeping his eyes on the fire. “...Thank you for... being concerned about me...” He exhaled tiredly. “But I'll be fine.”

Armin continued to look at him, a gentle smile gracing his face as he studied his superior with soft eyes.

Feeling the stare, Levi turned to meet his gaze and found himself frozen in Armin's deep golden-green orbs. He could remember... he'd seen eyes like that before...

As Armin's lips parted, the movement finally took Levi out of his trance. But before the blonde could speak, Levi spoke up first – turning away suddenly and furrowing his brow in discomfort.

“Please...” He said as he closed his eyes, his voice getting quieter as he spoke. “...Just let me be alone...”

The blonde blinked and closed his lips, then looked away and nodded understandingly. “Okay.” He stood up and looked down at Levi a moment, “...If you change your mind...”

“Sure...” The Captain said, not returning the gaze. “Thanks.”

Armin pressed his lips together and dipped his head as he turned to bring his chair back over to where he got it, then started towards the stairs.

“Hey.” Levi called to him, causing him to stop and turn back.

“Huh?”

“...You still haven't washed your hands....”