Chapter Text
all of the participants were enclosed always inside the same room, some had sat down, some were standing up, and the staff behind the embarrassing number of cameras was bustling, getting ready to start the livestream. Yunseo knew that the program would've started in a bout half an hour, so him and Arctic decided to go talk to the other participants, because, even tho he hates to say this, a part of him wants his journey to end with Jaehyun's, only if the other boy wasn't eliminated...
So, to Yunseo it was either being eliminated with Jaehyun, or staying with Jaehyun; there was no between.
As soon as him and Arctic entered the room, they were astonished by the immense size of the room; they both gasped and looked at each other with their eyes out of their orbs, until a dull voice just behind them illuded them.
"Yall, you see this room all the time" said the voice, which came out more like a noise rather than proper words put together in a sentence.
They both turned around and called "Xinlong hyung!" in disappointment as soon as they saw the scarlet red hair.
"Aww no need to be so raw" said Arctic still with a note of surprise on his face.
They joked around a little bit, then noticed the pale tone on Xinlong's usually warm skin, and his rigid movements; Yunseo decided to ask him what was happening.
"Hyung are you okay?" asked the guy in a worried tone. Xinlong lifted his head and pulled out a smile which you could tell a mile away it was just to cover up the anxiety.
"Of course I am! why do you say so?" Xinlong asked with a shaky voice and moving rigidly his back and his shoulder slightly back and forth to nod, almost as if his neck was blocked.
Yunseo observed him from head to toes and said "no it's just that you're so rigid I can hear wood breaking when you move".
Xinlong huffed, almost as if what Yunseo said felt like an insult " Okay, BUT i am NOT nervous!" said Xinlong making himself even harder to believe.
Yunseo could hear Arctic giggling from behind.
"Yeah, he probably simply didn't stretch this morning, come on" joked Arctic masking a smile. They both perfectly knew Xinlong was indeed anxious, but him hiding it was somewhat funny.
But the scene got funnier when Zi Hao came from behind, put a hand behind Xinlong's shoulder and said "Someone is a bit nervous here" in a totally innocent tone, he even had a smile on his face. Xinlong stayed quiet, turning his head to Zi Hao in disappointment, almost as if he was trying to tell him to shut up in his head.
"I'm not-" started Xinlong, but soon he was cut off by Zi Hao's voice.
"yeah yeah yeah, youre not nervous, but you're hands are trembling, man, it's okay don't worry" said Zihao messing around with Xinlong's red hair with his hand.
Xinlong just kept quiet, but he was still keeping his face in disappointment.
Yunseo and Arctic couldn't help but laugh at their favorite duo: Xinlong and Zi Hao had years and years of friendship and they read each other like an open book; Yunseo could feel how precious they were to each other, even when they were mocking themselves.
Soon, Arctic and Yunseo got away from them and started to take a seat on two of the chairs on the right side. Yunseo picked the seats because he wanted to make sure they sat neither too close to Jaehyun nor too far from him; just close enough to keep an eye on him. They were about to sit down, when Yunseo felt someone tapping on his shoulder.
"Helloo" it was an older voice, and just by its tone Yunseo could tell that the speaker was smiling.
He turned around and saw a widely smiling Harry June.
He and Yunseo greeted him and shook hands with him; they started a really light about the more and the less, enough to give Yunseo enough space in his head to observe Harry June really well.
He admired his older friend because he'd always been lively and joyful for the others: during eliminations his "older brother" would always comfort people, hoping with them that they reached a higher rank; but the thing was that Harry June would always hope for the other participants, even if that meant going against himself.
Yunseo did indeed notice it and he questioned himself if that was something he should've taken example from, or something he should have avoided doing costantly. Because Harry June always said that everybody deserved to debut much more than him; that he had already tried; that everyone was better than him anyway, but he never said it because he was disappointed in himself or he wasn't taking it seriously.
Yunseo figured out it was just Harry's nature to put himself beneath others and being just effortlessly... kind.
that's what he was. he was kind. always with a smile going from an ear to the other one, ready to cheer up the younger ones, the older ones, and the peers.
Harry June was a really dear hyung to Yunseo.
And that day someone between Dongyu, Harry June and Zhe yi would've gone away...they'd have left, and with them, the possibility of Yunseo to share a stage with them. And he really didn't want to think about who would've been saved, and who would've been eliminated, because at that point losing anyone of them was... sad. just sad.
" Sooo how are you feeling today?" said a smiley Harry with an awoken voice which caught Yunseo's attention; for a moment he was speechless because, honestly, he had zoned out a bit and left Arctic and Harry to their own words, and the sudden contrast between the blue thought that were haunting him and Harry's black voice left him speechless for a second or two.
Arctic really did look like a younger version of Harry June.
Anyway, Yunseo and his friend answered with their same answers, saying they were neither too nervous nor too happy to be there; Yunseo hesitated before mirroring the question, because maybe Harry June didn't want to talk about the 24th member announcement, but Arctic just replied back without thinking twice.
"Bah, i am fine, i think everything's going to be alright either way, so.... I'm not worrying much, really" said Harry June, serving smiles like it was his job.
Yunseo was relieved to hear that from Harry, and said finally "ahh good, yeah i'm sure eveything is going to be fine" , more to himself than to anybody else.
"You know, Yunseo" sitting down on the chair behind the duo and leaning in, his voice quiet.
"You know your friend" Arctic turned his head in shock as soon as he heard those words. Yunseo wasn't less surprised and started scratching his trousers.
"I've seen Jaehyun pushing himself down lately, with the Lucky Macho and everything... he is a good guy with great talent, i don't want him to feel like this. I know it's not a good feeling" Yunseo nodded fast showing his profile to Harry June, waiting impatiently for him to finish the sentence, while mumbling something like "yeah... he doesn't feel really.... motivated?".
"I noticed the same thing... Me and Dongyu yesterday tried to cheer him up in the dorm because he didn't really look so... happy, if you know what i mean. I think we did a pretty good job, honestly" at this point he chuckled a bit. Yunseo hinted a smile, relieved that his friend found a safe place with his hyungs.
"what i am saying is i think that now he feels much better, but, just... keep an eye on him"
'of course!' woud've said Yunseo. he had always kept an eye on Jaehyun; he had always stayed there; he had always supported him. Yet, still inside, Jaehyun felt alone, for reasons unknown to Yunseo.
Yunseo isn't sure about what he said next, because it was hard to say something when you're thinking something of totally different.
He just knows that the conversation kept going between all of them, and that at a certain point, Leo, Kangmin and Dongyu joined in.
And Yunseo thought so much his vision went blurry on all sides, or maybe it was just the light slowly shutting off.
And Yunseo tried looking for Jaehyun so much that his ears went numb, or maybe it was just the staff telling them that the livestream would've started in 5 minutes.
then 2.
then 1.
then 30 seconds.
then 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...
Flash!
Suddenly the lights were all pointed at them, making their skin look more pale and erasing any possible shade of color in them. Yunseo thought about his family and friends watching from home, and thought that he missed them: it was normal, a part of him wanting to go back, to turn around; but God, he really wanted to survive. But not alone.
He didn't trust mnet, like most of the guys in that room, and he knew how unexpected those kind of eliminations were: people and 'fans' were sometimes cruel and unfair, voting people without a sense of responsibility, and not even a bit of sensibility to all of the 48 participants who that day were trembling from head to toes for themselves and for the others.
Yunseo had felt for the first time like a doll inside a theatre. Maybe debuting with the people he wanted was a thought he could hold on to...If only Jaehyun understood that...
The nominations started after half an hour: that damn and useless space between the words and the sentence, just to annoy everyone that was watching and listening; almost as if making them feel worse was the best for the people watching on TV; it just made all of the process longer.
The vocal team came forward, and Yunseo analysed them carefully: everyone was so nervous, even who had no reason to be; it looked like it was good for the people at home watching them suffer or be sad, some people would even build their own huge fantasies basing on micro-moments, just to stain their idol figure even more. And Yunseo noticed all those things and he couldn't stand it. It was unacceptable, embarrassing and simply... why?
During the vocal team elimination, Yunseo could give himself an idea on how they would've been nominated: just directly, without forgetting that incredibly annoying suspence, of course.
Just seeing the vocal team participants on the stage made him sweat, and just the thought of them being called so spontaneously creeped him out.; he felt sorry for them, 'imagine how much pain they're going through right now', thought Yunseo adjusting his fringe, wet against his forehead. He looked around and almost everybody else was frozen, and it felt like staying around a garden of statues; some people were making sure that their friend was nominated, others were watching for drama, others were watching for anxiety. And soon, when Jaehyun would've stood exactly where the vocal team was standing in that moment, Yunseo would've watched frozen for all those reasons. A shiver was sent down his spine when he heard a sound too near to him.
"God, this is scary" Arctic leaned next to Yunseo's ear, removing his mind from the crazy river of thoughts running. Yunseo was too frozen to move "Think that we will either be next or last" he whispered back with a thread of voice; Arctic brought his hand to his forehead and sighed, trying to decide what would've been worse than that in that moment. Harry June leaned in from behind, patting on Arctic's shoulder "It's alright, man, we are not dying", and Yunseo could tell that the chuckle he let out was forced: absolutely not because Harry June was a fake person who only pretended to cheer you up, ecaxtly for the opposite: because Harry June always relieved the others before relieving himself, and he smiled when he was the saddest soul alive.
And Yunseo did see how much he was struggling: he was going to be nominated at last and only one among Donggyu, Harry June, and Zhe Yi could've survived; it was an unwritten rule for everyone to just not talk about that when they were with Zhe Yi or Harry or Donggyu...
The vocal team was soon sent back; the people who had been nominated and survived approached to the pyramid of seats that stood right in front of the participants, taking the chair with their respective rank: people were crying, and others were acting like they weren't. The people who weren't nominated stepped reluctanctly forward to take a seat, just like the winners, but on another throne; the throne of those who were on the other side. And to look at the other side, everything was different: the smiles were relaxed and happy, and their hands and fingers were in place without even a bit of a tremble. Some stares ate up alive the other partcipants who still were, like Yunseo and Arctic, on the other side, who still sat on the throne of who still hadn't won: some winners were concerned and worried, and Yunseo was grateful for that. Their compassion was something to look up to surely, but it certainly could've never prevented one's elimination.
Maybe that's why everyone was so sad.
Then Yunseo thought about who was sent back to them because they stood even taller than the nominated participants, meaning the one who certainly wouldn't have dropped their rankings luckly. And as much as they was lovely people, funny and mood-lifting, Yunseo couldn't help but wish he was one of them for a day. Actually, not even for a day, just during all the quarter finals: maybe if Yunseo transformed into someone else, he would finally stop thinking about Jaehyun and about what was gonna happen if he went up there.
Being someone else, just for one day, could've made him more calm.
When Yunseo had a chance to talk to the other participants during the time they were given after the vocal team elimination, he didn't: he didn't really want to talk in that moment, he was still frozen, while the other statues started moving again after the coldest winter. That's what it felt like.
At this point he was tired of looking for Jaehyun with his vagant, tired, and blurry eyes, so he just stood there.
Of course he did answer if anybody asked him something: Arctic, at a certain point, even asked him if he had something to eat, and Yunseo had to shake his head drammatically, telling him they would have eaten together when the announcement was over.
Arctic heard those words. He should've looked away, but he didn't. "Don't worry, man...It'll all be fine" he smiled at him with a convincing smirk, and Yunseo knew that his friend was trying to lift his mood up with the best of intentions; but, oh, he seriously shouldn't have said that. Yunseo was worried about Arctic too.
At that point, it was not even because Arctic had a bad ranking or a bad chance of passing: it was just because anxiety was taking over him bit by bit, and that emotion was making him imagine a Planet Camp with nobody there. Just absence. Absence of all of the boys his age.
After a while Yunseo just started wishing that everybody could disappear from the room, leaving only him to watch the announcement, because he couldn't bare watching everything in public. He needed a pause, he needed someone to talk to in between the eliminations.
Or maybe watching the announcement, the people and the smiles throughout a kaleidoscope: maybe that would've made Yunseo believe that what he was witnessing was just pure imagination, or just a distortion of reality; maybe a kaleidoscope could've convinced Yunseo that what he was seeing wasn't real, that all of the shapes portrayed on its lense changed from how they were in real life. A kaleidoscope.
Exactly, a kaleidoscope is what Yunseo needed to look at the reality.
He imagined of putting in front his eyes a kaleidoscope, and he could see things in a very different way:
inside the kaleidoscope he had Arctic sitting on his right, but he had Jaehyun sitting on his left.
Jaehyun wasn't really sitting with him.
Inside the kaleidoscope, Harry June, Zhe yi and Donggyu were all sitting on the winner side, and none of them was nominated instead of another one.
Inside the kaleidoscope, no one had teary eyes, no had cried, everyone was happy and smiling.
The reality that the kaleidoscope showed was much better than the reality Yunseo was living; it was so good that he felt the need of diving in it and of never coming back. It felt like the kaleidoscope was able to illude him by showing him a reality that is out of his reach: the reality were everything was fine, and where silence and a garden of statues didn't haunt him everyday and everynight.
These thoughts made his lips tremble, and what he heard next only made him take away from his eye the imaginary kaleidoscope
"The rap team participants may come to the front now!"
this sentence brought Yunseo back to reality, the non-distorted one, like a morning chicken, and he didn't realise right away the the MIC was calling Jaehyun's team as well, but as soon as he did, he sat up a bit on the chair, trying to get the best view on the stage as his stare was searching once again Jaehyun: when the first pepople started to come forward, Yunseo felt a lump in his throat when he recognised his bestfriend out there: only a few steps distanced them, but Yunseo was afraid that soon those few metres could've meant the world, the sea and the ocean between them.
That was the first time Yunseo had seen Jaehyun since the evening before: the last time they spoke, it ended in complete silence, and, if Yunseo must say, it ended with no conclusion, because after all they had only stopped the discussion because some staff called Jaehyun to film something; but now that he comes thinking of it, he hadn't filmed anything, then why was Jaehyun called to be put in front of a camera? To say what?
The little boy thouth about it for some seconds, while his thoughts were running a speedy marathon: the most negative of the thoughts made him shiver as he murmoured it against his breath.
'The last video'
Yunseo didn't mean to be heard, but Arctic managed to catch his tiny voice, but not what he had said; so he turned to his side, asking him with a low voice "What?". He probably thought Yunseo was talking to him. But no, Yunseo had himself to talk to in that moment.
Not to be rude to his friend, he tried to put together somewords as he got closer to Arctic's ear to whisper in the silence of the room
"Arctic did they call you to film anything yesterday??" as much as he pretended he didn't care, he had to know what Jaehyun had filmed. Maybe it didn't even have anything to do with the eliminations, but he had to be certain, because all of that anxiety all at once was unbarable.
Arctic responded with a simple movement of his head, then whispered "No, why? were you?"; he sounded worried as well, so Yunseo hurried and shook his head to cancel the tone of anxiety in his friend's voice.
It's true, Arctic had indeed asked 'why' Yunseo was asking that, but he decided not to tell him after he noticed that his friend wasn't insisting on the question. It's nothing special, but what Jaehyun told him was a secret and if Arctic even forgot the question he was about to ask, maybe he wasn't really that curious, right? After all the answer would've only made him more nervous.
They broke apart, and Yunseo started paying excessive attention, to the announcement that had just started: the only part of Jaehyun that he could see was his hair, clean and shiny, meaning that yesterday he managed to take a shower after they talked. But oh my God, let him see his face. Because he had to know how he felt and he knew that just by glancing at Jaehyun's face for one second he could paint on a canvas all of the colors and emotions that he could see on him, because that is just how their friendship worked. He had to know.
The first survivor was announced; that boy got up and got his seat. The guy wasn't Jaehyun.
The air tensed everytime a word, a breath, a whisper, a tremble rang inside the room: the air carried the weigh of everyone's future in there. But Jaehyun...
Yunseo could only see his back, it's true; but why did he look so...hopeless, thoughtless. as if he got up without a proper reason.
Yunseo had the insane imoulse of punching him in the face for a moment. He was angry at that kind of Jaehyun who didn't believe in anything anymore when it was too early to let go.
The second survivor was announced minutes later, after an incredible forced suspence. Some people were crying out of dispair.
The second survivor was not Jaehyun.
And Yunseo sighed.
The third survivor wasn't Jaehyun either.
And Yunseo watered his eyelashes with his tears as if those were petals.
And before he could actually feel reslly really bad about it, the Rap team survivor announcement was over, and Jaehyun was sent back with Seowon and Taejo as well to where he came from.
Yunseo lowered his head, trying to mask the tesrs as Arctic gripped on his left shoulder and patter the other one with his other hand; he sniffed, acting like he had an allergy. But it was summer and the allergy wasn't quite a good excuse anymore. So he just cried there a bit in silence, with his head low where no one would've seen him.
He felt the desperate need of going back to that reality he saw through the kaleidoscope once again: maybe in that reslity, Jaehyun was sitting with the others, away from where Yunseo was standing, and his smile would've been truthful for the first time ever since the evening before.
But the kaleidoscope didn't exist in real life, and so Yunseo was left alone to cry against the surface of that sour and bittersweet reality he decided to walk through with Jaehyun. But in that moment he was sobbing in silence for a little while.