Chapter Text
"NO!" I shouted as the magic eraser flew towards my girlfriend, Poppie Fresh. I lunged through the air and tried to knock it out of the way. Luckily, I managed to hit it out of the way at the last minute, but I watched in dismay as Mr. Clean pulled out his mop.
This was it. I had no other choice. "OH MIGHTY PASTRY GOD!" I called out over the sound of the rushing waterfall the cave my girlfriend was tied up in was behind. "PLEASE, HELP ME FREE MY LOVE AND STEAL MR. CLEAN'S MAGIC ERASER!"
There was silence for a moment. Though only for a moment. Mr. Clean looked down at my small, doughy body in shock. I warned him, or at least I tried to. This will teach him to never threaten Poppie… or my hat.
I felt power course through my body as the god answered my pleas. I jumped as high as I could and landed on Mr. Clean's broad back.
"Wait!" Mr. Clean shouted suddenly, and my fist stopped inches away from his face.
"What?" I asked angrily, a question burning in my eyes.
"I can't focus on our fight with that awful music banging in my ears." I paused for a moment, listening. Oh, no… Is that… Taylor Swift’s 1989 Album!?! "AHHH! MY EARS!!" I cried out in agony as I was thrown to the floor by the horrible music.
Mr. Clean rushed up to the source of the music, an old time-y record player. He smashed it using his huge, jacked fists. I sat up slowly, dazed. "Ugh… thank god that awful music is gone!" He said joyfully.
"Wait a second…" I said slowly. "Wait just a second!!" I sat up quickly now, no longer stunned. "You don't like Taylor Swift? Me neither!" I said, not able to believe I had met another anti-Swiftie.
"Uh…" Mr. Clean said, confused. "Yeah, why?"
"I just…" I said, surprised. "Okay, Poppie." I said suddenly, turning towards her on my small doughy feet.
"Yes, honey?" She asked in a sweet voice. "Are you going to untie me now?"
"You like Taylor Swift, right?" I asked.
"Of course. She's like the best singer ever-"
I slapped her as hard as I could. "I HATE YOU AND I'M DUMPING YOU AND I’M GONNA PUNCH YOUR WHOLE ENTIRE FAMILY oh wait but I'm against animal abuse. I'LL DESTROY EVERYTHING YOU OWN AND I’LL BURN YOUR HOUSE TO NOTHING JUST LIKE YOUR IQ!”
She stared at me in silence. "B-but… WHAT THE HECK?! YOU'RE DUMPING ME JUST FOR LIKING TAYLOR SWIFT?!?”
“Yeah!” I replied. “That, and you have a face that would make onions cry!” While all this was happening, Mr. Clean stood in the corner, staring.
"I have never met such an anti-Swiftie before in my life. I would be delighted to call you my boyfriend." He said, bending over to me to cover our 5 foot 7 inch height difference.
Then, we put our noses together and gave a long romantic kiss.