Chapter Text
Day 1
Stacey answered before the second ring finished.
“Hello?”
“Stace,” Colet said, and there was already a smile in her voice. “Sorry ha. Di tayo masyadong nakapag-usap kanina.”
Stacey shifted on the couch. “Okay lang. Busy ka eh.”
“Naka-uwi ka na?”
“Kanina pa. Ikaw?”
“Kakauwi pa lang talaga.” She exhaled. “Nakakapagod, grabe.”
Stacey laughed softly. “Kumain ka na?”
“Hindi pa.”
“Kumain ka na.”
“Anong ginagawa mo?” Colet asked.
“Wala,” Stacey said. “Nakaupo lang. Ikaw?”
“Nakatayo,” Colet replied. “Iniisip ko kung kakain pa ko o tutulog na lang.”
“Kain ka na.”
“Ayoko.”
“Pag di ka kumain magagalit ako.”
Colet chuckled. Stacey could picture it exactly—head tilted down, biting her cheek. There was a small, comfortable silence. “Stace,” Colet said after a bit.
“Hmm?”
“Okay ka naman?”
Stacey smiled to herself. “Oo syempre.”
“Sure?”
“Sure,” she said again, “promise.”
“Text mo ko pag kumain ka,” Stacey said.
“Okay.”
“And pag nakahiga ka na.”
“Ang dami mong bilin ah.”
“Masanay ka na.”
Colet laughed again, softer this time. “Good night na?”
“Good night.”
“Sweet dreams.”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“Uy.”
“Ano?” Colet said innocently.
“Wala.”
They both smiled anyway.
“Good night, Stace.”
“Good night, Colet.”
Colet ate standing up in the kitchen, still smiling at nothing, phone lighting up beside her plate.
Colet: kumakain na ko
Stacey replied immediately.
Stacey: mabuti nmn
Colet: sleep ka na?
Stacey: ayoko pa
Colet: y?
Stacey: secret
Colet: ano yn
Stacey: secret nga
Colet: edi wag
Stacey: galit ka?
Colet: hnd ko nmn kayang mgalit sau
Stacey: sure?
Colet: oo
Stacey: oa
Colet: kumain ka na no?
Stacey: oo kanina.
Colet: ano kinain mo?
Stacey: kanin
Colet: ulam
Stacey: hulaan mo
Colet: torta
Stacey: engkk
Stacey smiled at her phone.
Stacey: bkt ayaw mo ko patulugin
Colet: ha?
Stacey: dami mong txt
Colet: ikaw dn
Stacey: eh kasi
Colet: kasi y?
Stacey: masaya aq..
No reply. Ten, twenty seconds. Stacey frowned, then—
Colet: san banda
Stacey: ewan ko sayo
Stacey rolled onto her side, hugging her pillow, already grinning. Then her Nokia stopped vibrating. And then the landline rang. Once. Twice. She grabbed it before the third.
“Hello?”
“Hello po,” Colet said immediately. “Bakit ka masaya?”
Stacey laughed. “Ikaw kasi.”
“Anong ako?”
“Wala,” Stacey said, scratching her forehead, putting both feet up the couch. “Basta.”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“Stace?”
“Ano?”
“Hindi ka ba magsasalita?”
Stacey shifted. She tucked the phone between her shoulder and ear, started picking at her thumbnail. “Nag-iisip lang.”
“Tagal mo namang mag-isip.”
“Eh kasi,” Stacey said, then stopped. She pulled the phone back to her ear. “Hindi naman tayo sanay na ganito.”
“Na alin?”
“Na iniisip muna kung ano yung sasabihin.”
Colet smiled, pacing slowly along the living room. The cord followed her. “Oo nga.”
“So,” Stacey said. “Sasabihin ba natin sa kanila?”
“Kanino?”
“Sa girls,” Stacey clarified.
Colet stopped walking. “Ewan ko. Gusto mo ba?”
“Oo.”
“Okay, ako rin naman.”
“Kailan?”
“Ewan,” Colet said honestly. “Ayoko ko rin kasi asarin nila tayo.”
Stacey laughed softly. She stood up, started walking, then stopped again, and leaned against the wall. “May magugulat ba?”
“Si Gwen,” Colet said without thinking.
“Si Gwen,” Stacey agreed. “Oo nga.”
“Si Jhoanna matatawa lang.”
“Si Sheena tatanungin kung seryoso tayo.”
“Si Aiah,” Colet said, then trailed off.
“Si Aiah mag e-emote lang,” Stacey finished.
They both smiled at that.
“Okay lang yun,” Stacey said. “Pero maraming itatanong mga tangang yun.”
“Mahilig ka rin namang magtanong,” Colet said.
“Excuse me,” Stacey replied. “Importanteng usapan kasi ’to.”
“Ah, talaga?”
“Oo naman,” Stacey said.
“...”
“...”
“...”
“May tanong ka ba?”
Stacey sat back down. She wrapped the phone cord around her finger, once, twice. “Ano ba nagustuhan mo sa ’kin?”
Colet blinked. She leaned against the wall. “Ha?”
“Sumagot ka,” Stacey rushed. “Curious ako.”
“Ngayon mo talaga naisip itanong yan?”
“Ngayon ko lang talaga naisip,” Stacey said, picking at the cord. “Ano? Sagot.”
Colet exhaled slowly. “Hindi ko alam kung paano sasabihin.”
“Subukan mo lang,” Stacey said quickly.
“...”
“...”
“...”
“Tingin ko,” Colet said finally, “nagustuhan kita kasi… kilala mo na ’ko.”
“Hindi enough yun,” Stacey said gently.
“Kasi nakikinig ka,” Colet added. “Kahit di ako masyadong nagsasalita.”
Stacey laughed under her breath.
“At,” Colet continued, “kahit kailan hindi mo ako minadali.”
Stacey swallowed. She shifted again, pulled at the hem of her shirt.
“So kailan pa?” Stacey asked.
“Ha?”
“Kailan ka pa—” She stopped. Took a breath. “Na-in love?”
“Sinabi ko bang in-love ako?”
“Baka gusto mong i-rewind ko yung gabi sa beach?”
Colet laughed, then covered her mouth to stop herself. She looked around to make sure she didn’t wake anyone. “Basta matagal na,” she said. “College pa.”
Stacey placed the receiver on her chest and shrieked into the throw pillow on the couch. Kicking her feet in the air. Then she exhaled, composing herself, and brought the phone back to her ear.. “Ako rin.”
“Talaga?”
“Oo,” Stacey said. “Pero ang galing mong magtago ah!”
Colet laughed softly, tracing the phone cord with her finger. “Ikaw din naman eh.”
“Nahihiya kasi ako,” Stacey admitted. “Akala ko walang chance. Kaya di ko nalang sinubukan.”
Colet pushed herself off the wall. “Ah. Duwag.”
Stacey gasped. “Excuse me?”
Colet laughed quietly.
“Colet?”
“Hm?”
“Happy ka ba?”
“Oo naman.” Colet smiled, pacing again. “Ikaw?”
“Oo, happy ako.”
“Hindi yan convincing,” Colet teased.
“Happy ako,” Stacey said again, firmer now. “Kinakabahan lang.”
“Sa’kin?”
“Sa lahat,” Stacey said. “Sa mangyayari.”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“Pag nagkita ba tayo bukas…” Colet paused, clearing her throat.
“Ano?”
“Ah—wala. Never mind.”
“Ano nga?!”
“Pag nagkita ba tayo bukas…” Colet started again. “Pwede ko bang—”
“Ano ba yan,” Stacey said. “Ang bagal mo naman!”
“Pwede ko bang hawakan ang kamay mo?”
There was a brief, muffled shriek on Stacey’s end of the line. The sound of fabric shifting, feet kicking against cushions.
“Stacey!” her mother shouted from the other room. “Gabing gabi na, lumalandi ka pa diyan!”
She covered the receiver with her palm. “Sorry, Ma!” When she brought the phone back to her ear, she was still catching her breath. “Syempre pwede.”
“Yehey!”
Stacey laughed. “Ang saya mo naman.”
“Hindi ah.”
Stacey flopped back onto the couch, staring up at the ceiling, one foot hooked over the armrest.
“So bukas,” she said. “Holding hands lang.”
“Oo,” Colet replied. “Holding hands lang.”
Another pause. Neither of them moved.
“Colet?”
“Hm?”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“Pwede naman may kiss din.”
Day 34
Beers, pulutan, the same uneven table. Stacey talked through half of it, laughing too loud, leaning back too far, telling a story that kept changing in the details. Colet listened. When Stacey’s bottle went empty, Colet reached for it without looking, twisted the cap off a new one, and slid it back.
“Uy, waiter,” Stacey called out. “Tubig please.”
“Meron ka na,” Colet said, already pushing a glass toward her. Stacey paused just long enough to drink. A little foam stuck to the corner of her mouth. Colet wiped it away with her thumb, quick and absentminded. Stacey smiled but kept going.
“—tapos sabi niya, ‘konti lang daw benta ko?’ eh ako na nga yung—” She paused. Stacey fanned herself with her hand, still talking. “Ang init, tang ina.” Colet watched for a second, then stood.
“San ka pupunta?” Stacey asked.
“Sandali lang.”
She came back with a folded cardboard flyer and handed it to Stacey. Stacey laughed and fanned herself.
“Pinapamukha talagang walang nagmamahal sa’kin.” Jhoanna said, pouting.
“Kawawa naman ang baby na yan,” Mikha teased, “dito ka na lang banda, malapit sa ceiling fan.”
Colet didn’t say anything. Stacey reached up and played with Colet’s hair while she fanned herself, twisting a strand around her finger.
“Hindi ko pa rin tanggap na mag-on na kayo.” Sheena said..
“Grabe naman ‘to!” Stacey replied. “Bakit ba?”
“Ang bilis kasi!” Aiah said, burping. “Iba talaga mag damoves si Sevilleja.”
Colet smiled and took a sip of her drink. Stacey nudged a piece of kropek into her mouth.
The music shifted. Nina came on. Stacey sang along, off-key, leaning into Colet’s shoulder. Colet listened, fingers brushing the back of Stacey’s neck. Stacey scratched Colet’s back lightly, not even in a suggestive way. Then, without thinking, she took Colet’s hand and placed it on her lap. Colet left it there.
They kept talking and laughing. At one point they caught each other looking and smiled, small and private, before turning back to the table.
“Maglaplapan na lang kayo,” Aiah said. “Para matapos na.”
“Selos ka lang,” Stacey shot back, reaching for another bottle. Colet squeezed her thigh, “iinom ka pa?”
Jhoanna swatted her hand away. “Bakit? Pipigilan mo siya?” She said, twisting her fist in front of Colet’s face, “sasapakin kita talaga. Bawal controlling ha.”
“Baka malasing kasi,” Colet replied.
“Sus,” Mikha laughed, “eh parang kargador yan uminom si Stacey. Kayang kaya niya yan.”
“Oo naman,” Stacey said proudly. “Di tayo pinalaking mahina pre.” She lifted the bottle but Colet leaned in and took it from her hand, setting it back on the table.
“Tubig muna,” Colet said.
“Putang ina,” Gwen said. “Ang OA.”
Stacey reached for the water anyway and drank. Colet watched until she swallowed, then nodded once.
“Grabe,” Aiah said. “Hirap talaga pag may kasamang jowa, di mo masapak.”
Stacey laughed. “Sorry kung walang nag-aalaga sa inyo.”
Jhoanna snorted. “Wait lang kayo. Pormahan ko talaga si Maloi soon.”
Stacey laughed and leaned sideways, resting her elbow on Colet’s knee. “Okay na ’ko. Promise.” Colet didn’t answer, just reached over and brushed Stacey’s hair back when it fell into her face.
“Ang sweet talaga,” Gwen said. “Sana mag break.”
—
Most of them were tipsy by then. Some more than others. Colet wasn’t. She was crouched beside Sheena, one hand holding her hair back. “Isuka mo lang,” Colet said. “Inom ka tubig, Shee.”
Sheena gagged once more, then straightened and gave her a shaky thumbs up. “Okay na.”
She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and squinted at Colet. “Yung seating arrangement ha sa kotse. Ilayo yung mag-ex. Alam mo naman sila pag naka-inom, nagmamahalan ulit.”
Colet laughed. “Ako na bahala.”
She stood and looked around. Jhoanna and Mikha were near the table, still being loud and competitive, chugging the last few bottles of beer.
“Kaya ko pa ’to,” Jhoanna said, already tilting the bottle.
“Tang inaaaa,” Mikha laughed. “Wala na bang ice?”
Bahala na sila, Colet thought. She’d deal with them later. She turned toward the smoking area.
Aiah was sitting on the curb, cigarette burning between her fingers, crying now. Gwen stood beside her with her hands in her pockets, already exhausted. She spotted Colet and immediately waved her over. “G,” Aiah slurred, wiping her cheeks with her sleeve. “Hindi ko na alammmm.”
Colet crouched in front of her. “Ano na naman?”
“Paano ako makaka-move on,” Aiah said, breaking again, “kung palagi kaming magkasama?”
Gwen yawned loudly and tapped her temple. “Paulit-ulit na lang.”
Colet sighed, then reached out and took the cigarette from Aiah’s fingers, pressing it out on the pavement. “Huminga ka muna,” Colet said. “Wag mo muna isipin yan.”
Aiah sniffed. “Bakit hindi?”
“Kasi lasing ka,” Colet replied.
Aiah leaned forward, resting her forehead on Colet’s knee. “Ang sakit.”
“Alam ko,” Colet said.
Gwen nodded. “Nagda-drama ka diyan habang yung iniiyakan mo—ayun, halos mag dextrose na ng beer.”
Colet went over to Stacey after. She was half asleep in her chair, head resting on her arm, bottle long forgotten. Colet tapped her shoulder lightly. “Stace?”
Stacey lifted her head, unfocused, blinking hard like she was trying to remember where she was. Colet chuckled. “Nanghihina na ba ang kargador?”
Stacey didn’t answer. She just reached out and wrapped her arms around Colet’s neck, uncoordinated. “Uwi na tayo,” she said, her voice muffled against Colet’s shoulder.
“Okay,” Colet said, steadying her. “Dahan-dahan lang.”
She helped Stacey stand, one arm around her waist, Stacey’s weight leaned fully into her, making it harder for them to walk. They shuffled toward the car, Stacey’s feet dragging slightly, laughing at nothing.
“Love mo ako?” Stacey asked suddenly.
Colet snorted. “Ano?”
“L-love mo ako?” Stacey repeated, louder this time.
Colet shook her head. “Hindi pa ba halata?”
Stacey grinned, satisfied, then rested her head back on Colet’s shoulder as they reached the car. And a few steps later, she asked again. “Love mo talaga ako?”
“Stacey,” Colet said, laughing as she opened the door for her. “Sumakay ka na.”
“Sagutin m-mo munaaaaaaa.”
“Oo,” Colet said. “Oo. Oo. Love kita.”
Stacey grinned and nodded, then let herself be guided into the seat. Colet buckled her in carefully. As she closed the door, Stacey leaned out just enough to grab her hand. “Sa’yo lang ako,” Stacey said, eyes already closing again. Colet smiled to herself before gently pulling her hand free, and giving Stacey one soft kiss, tucking her hair behind her ear.
“Alam ko,” she said, and went to deal with everyone else.
Day 54
Colet was cleaning up in the morgue with her sleeves rolled up, gloves snapped tight around her wrists. There were disinfectant and old flowers. Stainless steel surfaces reflected the fluorescent lights in strips. “Hindi ko alam na ganito pala kalaki dito.” She said.
“Hindi rin naman halata sa labas.” Colet moved to the sink, rinsed her cloth, and wrung it out. Stacey leaned against the doorway, watching. “Hindi ka ba natatakot?” Stacey asked. “I mean… ”
Colet shrugged. “Sanay na ako.”
She reached for another cloth, then paused when she noticed Stacey staring. “Ano?” Colet asked.
“Wala,” Stacey said. “Iniisip ko lang kung bakit ngayon mo lang ako dinala dito.”
Colet glanced at her. “Takot ka ba?”
“Medyo,” Stacey admitted.
Colet smiled. “Hindi naman mangangagat yan.”
Stacey stepped closer, peering at one of the covered tables. “Pwede ko bang—”
“’Wag,” Colet said immediately.
Stacey pulled her hand back. “Ay. Sorry.” She walked closer, standing beside Colet now. “Kaya naman pala tahimik ka, puro patay kasama mo.”
Colet shook her head, already smiling. She picked up a brush and glanced at her. “Gusto mo ikaw mag make up?”
Stacey froze. “Ha?”
“Make up,” Colet said casually. “Isang dab lang.”
“Wait,” Stacey said. “Ako? Baka magising.”
“Hindi yan,” Colet replied. “Relax ka lang.”
She handed Stacey the brush. Stacey took it shaking. “Ganito?” She asked.
“Konti lang,” Colet said. She placed a hand over Stacey’s wrist, guiding it. “Hindi pwedeng heavy. Hindi ’to debut.”
“Sayang,” Stacey teased. “Bagay pa naman sa kanya na smokey eyes.”
Stacey concentrated hard, then pulled back abruptly. “Okay na yan. Ayoko na.”
Colet leaned in to check, face close to Stacey cheek. “Hmm.”
“Hmm?” Stacey repeated. “Hmm good or hmm pangit?”
“Hmm okay,” Colet said. “Pwede na.”
Stacey stepped closer, lowering her voice. “Ilang babae na dinala mo dito?”
"Pang 259 ka. Pero ikaw lang yung humihinga pa."
Day 89
They were already on their third lap around the mall.
Stacey walked a step ahead of Aiah and Sheena, thumbs busy on her Nokia—typing, deleting, dialing, ending the call before it rang too long. She shoved the phone back into her bag, then pulled it out again two minutes later.
They ducked into Bench first. Stacey barely looked at the clothes, hovering near the entrance.
“Teh,” Aiah said, stopping in front of a rack. “Atat na atat?”
“Hindi ah,” Stacey replied automatically, already typing again.
“Pwede maghintay ka na lang sa reply?” Aiah added. “Hindi naman yan mawawala.”
Sheena rolled her eyes, swiping a tester from the counter. “Girl, ganyan talaga yan. Parang mamamatay pag hindi agad nag-reply si Colet.”
“Hindi naman,” Stacey mumbled, but she checked her phone again anyway.
They moved on to the department store, drifting toward cosmetics. Sheena got absorbed immediately, lining up lipsticks on the back of her hand. “Okay,” Sheena said. “Parang mas ganda tong rosey no kesa sa pinkish?”
Stacey glanced over for half a second. “Yung pangalawa.”
“Hindi ka nga tumingin.”
“Pare-pareho lang yan,” Stacey said, eyes already back on her phone.
“Hello?” Aiah said, waving her hand in front of Stacey’s face.
“No, seryoso,” Stacey said. “Bagay sa’yo lahat.”
Sheena shook her head. “Sana di ka nalang sumama.”
They ended up sitting near the railing overlooking the lower floor. Stacey bounced her leg, phone face-up on her thigh. “Busy ba talaga yun?” Stacey said, more to herself.
“Baka maraming patay,” Aiah said. “So… yes?”
“Sana nagsabi siya,” Stacey replied.
Stacey frowned, thumb touching the keypad again.
They wandered into Odyssey next. Stacey lingered near the CDs but didn’t pick anything up. Aiah flipped through pop albums. Sheena laughed at something on a poster. Stacey’s phone buzzed. She snatched it up. Then her shoulders dropped.
“Ano?” Aiah asked.
“‘Sorry medyo busy lang,’” Stacey read. She sighed. “See?”
“Anong see?” Aiah said. “Normal lang naman yung reply.”
“Ewan,” Stacey said. “Parang ang dry.”
Sheena glanced at her. “Hindi lang siya laging available, Stace.”
Stacey slipped the phone back into her bag harder than necessary. “Hindi ko naman sinabing kailangan available palagi.”
They walked again. Stacey paused only to check her phone one more time. Sheena leaned closer to Aiah. “Alam mo yung problema?”
Aiah grinned. “Kailangan niya palagi ng assurance.”
“Eh yung jowa niya chill lang,” Sheena said.
Stacey didn’t hear them. She was already dialing again, then stopping before it connected. She looked up at the crowd, annoyed without knowing exactly why. “Ang tagal naman ng oras dito,” she said.
Day 106
_pink_aubrey_13: oy buhay pa ba kayo
Mahalkitabujoy: buhay pero gutommmmm
Aiahaiahimalittlebutterfly: san ba tayo mamaya
Mojo!jhojho: wag sa malayo pls tinatamad ako
kapitsapataLIM: bz aq mamya
Apuligwenneth: basta may upuan
_pink_aubrey_13: waahahaha k
Mahalkitabujoy: so friday or saturday
Aiahaiahimalittlebutterfly: friday may lakad ako
Mojo!jhojho: saturday na lang
_pink_aubrey_13: ok saturday
_pink_aubrey_13: saan
kapitsapataLIM: morato?
Apuligwenneth: paulit ulit na dun ah
Mahalkitabujoy: pero sure spot
_pink_aubrey_13: colet ano
_pink_aubrey_13: ?
Aiahaiahimalittlebutterfly: bz na nmn yan
Mojo!jhojho: trabaho na nmn
Mahalkitabujoy: alm nyo nmn may 2nd branch sla magddrama pa kau
_pink_aubrey_13: alam q naman
kapitsapataLIM: pwd rin cubao
Apuligwenneth: wag cubao ang gulo
Mahalkitabujoy: morato na nga lng
_pink_aubrey_13: ok morato
_pink_aubrey_13: 8pm
Aiahaiahimalittlebutterfly: ikw na lang mag decide stace
Mojo!jhojho: yes boss
_pink_aubrey_13: pki hanap dun sa isng boss
Mahalkitabujoy: sasama yan
Mahalkitabujoy: late lang
_pink_aubrey_13: lagi naman
Apuligwenneth: wag ka muna mag oa
kapitsapataLIM: oo nga
_pink_aubrey_13: nyenyenye
_pink_aubrey_13: ok so morato saturday 8
_pink_aubrey_13: confirmed
Aiahaiahimalittlebutterfly: confirmed
Mojo!jhojho: confirmed
Mahalkitabujoy: confirmed
kapitsapataLIM: g
Apuligwenneth: g r o
_pink_aubrey_13: sige
_pink_aubrey_13: sabihan nyo na lng dn siya pg nag ol n
Mahalkitabujoy: ok
Day 121
Colet was signing paperwork, processing payments in her father’s office, when the door opened without a knock. “Stace?” she said, already standing up.
Stacey stayed by the door, eyebrows raised, arms crossed, foot tapping against the tiled floor. “Okay. Good to know buhay ka pa pala.” Then she turned and walked out.
Colet followed immediately. She caught up with Stacey just as she reached the street near the corner, jeepneys passing loud. Colet reached out and gently held her wrist. “Stace.”
“Ano?”
Colet was still catching her breath. She squinted slightly, scratching the back of her head. “Galit ka ba?”
Stacey laughed sharply. “Ano sa tingin mo?!”
“Sorry,” Colet said quickly. “Kung may nagawa man ako para ikagalit mo, sorry.”
“Kung?!” Stacey repeated. “Kung may nagawa ka?!”
“Eh ano ba kasi?” Colet asked.
“Ang tagal na nating di nagkita,” Stacey hissed. “Ano, may jowa pa ba ako?”
“Meron,” Colet said. She reached out to hold Stacey’s hand, but Stacey swatted it away. “Stace, syempre meron.”
“Kagabi pa ako nagte-text sa’yo,” Stacey continued. “Hindi ka nagre-reply.”
“Sorry talaga. Sobrang busy lang. Ako lang andito, busy sila Papa dun sa bagong site.”
Stacey rolled her eyes. “Di ka man lang nag-reply kahit isang beses. Nag-alala ako sa’yo! Baka ikaw na yung nilagay sa kabaong!”
Colet winced. “Sorry talaga. Sobrang pagod ako kahapon. Nakatulog ako agad.”
“Ah… okay,” Stacey said sarcastically. “So pagpasok mo ng bahay, nahimatay ka agad sa sahig? Di ka kumain? Di ka naghilamos?”
“Stacey naman.”
“O ano?! Pag gising mo kanina di ka rin nag-reply. Di man lang ba ako dumaan sa isip mo?”
“Nalowbat kasi ako,” Colet said. “Nakalimutan kong mag-charge.”
Stacey groaned, throwing her head back. “Bakit mo kinalimutan?!”
“Stace—”
No answer.
“Stace…”
Still nothing.
“Stace…”
“ANO?!”
Colet flinched. “Sorry na.”
When Stacey still didn’t say anything, Colet stepped closer and wrapped her arms around Stacey’s waist from behind. Stacey rolled her eyes but didn’t move away.
“Huy,” Colet said softly. “Sorry talaga. Hindi ko naman sinadya.”
“Kahit na,” Stacey pouted. “Feeling ko tuloy di ako dumadaan sa isip mo.”
“…Feeling ko ayaw mo na sa’kin.” She continued.
Colet turned Stacey gently to face her. Stacey was still pouting when Colet leaned in and kissed her softly, testing if Stacey would pull away. “Sorry na,” Colet said, brushing a strand of hair off Stacey’s face. “Syempre naiisip kita. Ikaw pa. Busy lang talaga.”
Stacey rolled her eyes. She looked away for half a second, lips pressed together, clearly trying not to smile. Colet leaned closer and bumped her nose lightly against Stacey’s. “Bati na tayo?”
Stacey hesitated just enough to make a point. Then she sighed. “Bati na lang.”
Colet smiled and pulled her into another quick hug. Stacey let herself be held this time, resting her forehead against Colet’s shoulder. “Next time,” Stacey said quietly, “sabihin mo lang na buhay ka pa.”
“Okay, okay,” Colet said. “Promise.”
Day 156
Stacey came out of the gate fresh from the shower, hair still dripping down the back of her shirt. Colet leaned in and kissed her cheek once.
“Okay ka lang?” she asked, fingers sliding into Stacey’s hand.
Stacey sighed and stretched her back. “Oo,” she said, yawning a little. “Medyo pagod lang. Tagal kasi namin natapos sa bar kagabi. Konti pa benta. Tapos ’tong si Mama naman, pinaglinis pa kami ng bakuran kanina. Kainis.”
She looked down the street, then back at Colet. “O, akala ko may dala kang kotse?”
“Ay,” Colet said, thumb brushing Stacey’s knuckle. “Ayaw ipahiram ni Papa kotse niya eh. Commute na lang muna tayo.”
“Okay,” Stacey said. “San tayo?”
“Ikaw,” Colet replied. “San mo gusto?”
“Bakit ako?”
Colet chuckled. “Ikaw nag-aya. Ikaw mag-decide.”
Stacey let go of Colet’s hand and rubbed the back of her neck. “Okay… manood na lang tayo ng sine.”
“Sine?”
“O bakit?”
“Pangit naman mga palabas ngayon.”
Stacey sighed. “Okay edi mag-ukay tayo.”
“Iba na lang. Kaka-ukay niyo lang nila Gwen eh.”
Stacey scratched her temple. “Okay. So san mo gustong pumunta?”
“Kain na lang tayo sa labas.”
“Busog pa ako,” Stacey said. “Late kami nag-lunch tapos naka-tatlong rice ako.”
“Eh san tayo pupunta?”
Stacey shot her a look. “Tinanong mo ako, ayaw mo sa suggestions ko, tapos ngayon tatanungin mo ako ulit? Ano ba talaga?!”
“Uy, wait lang,” Colet said, turning to face her, a little defensive now. “Ba’t ka galit?”
“Hindi ako galit,” Stacey said quickly.
“Eh san tayo pupunta?” Colet asked again.
Stacey’s phone vibrated. She groaned and pulled it out of her bag. “Oh. Nag-text si Mikhs. Iinom daw sila nila Jho. Dun na lang tayo.”
“Wala ako sa mood uminom,” Colet said.
“Pwede naman sumama na di umiinom.”
“Eh, Staceyyy,” Colet replied, “andaming tao dun.”
Stacey opened her mouth, then stopped. She looked away, clenching her jaw. “Alam mo—” She exhaled sharply. “Umuwi ka na lang.”
Colet hesitated, scratching the back of her head. “Ayoko.”
Stacey looked at her again. “O ayaw mo na naman?”
“Hindi—” Colet sighed. “Sige na. Sama na tayo kay Mikha.”
They stood back to back on the train. Colet faced the window, one hand on the rail, the other hanging at her side. Stacey faced the opposite direction, weight shifted onto one hip. Every stop moved them just enough that their backs brushed, then separated again.
Colet felt the slope of Stacey’s shoulder, the way she adjusted her stance when the train sped up, the damp spot at the back of her shirt that meant her hair was still drying. She wanted to lean in. She wanted to rest her chin on Stacey’s shoulder the way she always did on train rides. But she didn’t.
Day 206
They were crowded around a small table, wrappers piling up, cups sweating onto the plastic. Jhoanna chewed on her burger, watching Stacey. “Ano ba kasi inexpect mo?” Jho asked. “Happily ever after?”
“Hindi naman,” Stacey said, biting her straw. “Ano ako, bata?”
She paused, looking at nothing in particular. “…Pero kasi,” she continued, “paulit-ulit na lang yung ginagawa namin. Kakain sa labas. O iikot sa mall. O manonood ng sine—na tinutulugan niya lang naman. Tapos text sa umaga, tawag sa gabi. Asan yung excitement?”
“Gusto mo ma-excite?” Sheena asked.
“Oo.”
“Edi sumakay ka ng roller coaster. Mag-bungee jumping ka. Tumalon ka sa bangin,” Aiah said.
“HINDI YAN!” Stacey groaned.
“Eh ano?” Mikha nudged her. “What did you expect ba? Eh yung jinowa mo parang three thousand words pa lang ang nasabi sa buong buhay niya. Alam mo naman yan dati pa.”
“Oo nga,” Gwen added. “Akala ko nga yun yung nagustuhan mo sa kanya. Kasi kahit kailan di sisingit pag nagsasalita ka. Tapos ngayon puro ka reklamo. Sus.”
“Hindi naman ako nagrereklamo!” Stacey said, sighing. She put her cup down a little too hard. “Wala lang. Ewan ko… minsan nga inaaway ko na lang siya para di boring.”
“Jusko,” Sheena said, scratching her head until her hair stuck out everywhere. “Buti nga di ka pa iniiwan niyan eh.”
“Tapos hoy,” Jhoanna said, tapping Stacey’s shoulder, “tigilan mo na nga yung kakasend mo ng quotes saka Bible verse sa kanya five hundred times a day. Kaya nalo-lowbat yung tao eh.”
“Anong masama doon?” Stacey shot back.
Aiah looked at everyone, then shook her head. “Wala na,” she said, pointing at Stacey. “Baliw talaga ’to.”
“Ano ba kasing gagawin ni Colet sa ‘It is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye’ na quotes mo?” Mikha teased.
Stacey smacked her in the back. Mikha coughed, laughing. “Gago!”
“Syempre ang boring ng work niya,” Stacey said defensively, “At least binibigyan ko siya ng free entertainment!”
“Entertainment or stress?” Gwen asked.
Stacey opened her mouth, then stopped. She leaned back in her chair, arms crossed.
“Hindi ko naman sinasabing ayoko na,” she said. “Mahal ko naman eh. Mahal ko talaga. Gusto ko lang… may mangyari.”
“May nangyayari,” Sheena said. “Hindi lang pasabog. Hindi lang kasing-OA ng gusto mong bruha ka.”
“Ewan ko ba,” Stacey said, clicking her tongue. “Parang mas tahimik siya ngayon. Or… ewan ko baka di ko lang napansin dati ga’no siya ka tahimik kasi ang ingay ingay natin.”
“Pa’no naman di tatahimik yun?” Aiah scoffed. “Eh ikaw ’tong daldal nang daldal!”
“Hindi!” Stacey groaned. “Feeling ko minsan, tine-take for granted niya ako.”
“Jusko naman, girl!” Sheena said, throwing a ketchup packet at her.
“Pwede prangkahan muna?” Jhoanna asked, finally turning to face Stacey.
“Ako next. Ako next!” Sheena raised both hands.
Stacey rolled her eyes, then sighed. “Sige, Jho. Ano?”
“Number one,” Jhoanna said, immediately making choking gestures with both hands. “Nakaka-ganito ka, oh. Grabe.” She glanced at Mikha. “Naalala mo, Mikhs, nung gumala tayo nila Colet?” Mikha nodded, already laughing.
“Parang vibrator na yung cellphone niya sa dami ng text mo!” Jhoanna continued. “Oh my goodness, Lindsey Stacey Aubrey Sevilleja!”
The table burst out laughing. Stacey crossed her arms.
“Number two,” Jhoanna went on, “ang OA mo mag-check sa kanya. Hindi ka nurse sa ICU. Hindi ka yaya. At mas lalong hindi ka nanay!”
“Wag ka na mag-number three, Jho,” Mikha said, chuckling. “Parang iiyak na yan eh.”
“Grabe kayo sa’kin,” Stacey pouted, wiping a tear from the corner of her eye.
“Sige na,” Sheena said, shifting closer. “Ako na para isang bagsakan na lahat.”
Stacey looked up at her. “O ano?”
Sheena hesitated, then swallowed. “Kaya mo? Sure ka?”
“Oo nga!” Stacey snapped. “Sabihin mo na agad. Magpapa-suspense ka pa eh!”
Sheena took a breath. “What if…” She stopped, then tried again. “What if you’re just… better off as friends?”
Stacey didn’t react right away. She stared down at her feet, nudging the table leg without meaning to.
“Alam ko naman mahal mo siya,” Sheena continued, quieter now. “Alam ko rin na mahal ka niya.”
She paused, choosing her words carefully. “…But what if that’s the only thing you have in common?”
“Sorry ha,” she spoke again. “Minsan kasi, love lang yung hawak niyo. Tapos pag nawala yung kilig, hindi niyo na alam anong gagawin.”
Stacey pressed her lips together. “Ang unfair niyo.”
“Ikaw kasi eh,” Mikha nudged Stacey again, softening the blow. “Dapat naghintay ka muna ng isang taon bago mo pinakita true colors mo. Baka nabigla yun.”
Day 220
The taxi jerked forward as their driver stepped on the gas, weaving between jeepneys. Stacey leaned halfway out of her seat, eyes locked on the cab ahead. “Kuya, wag mong tatantanan yan ha,” she said. “Kahit mag-cut ka pa, sundan mo lang.”
“Staks,” Jhoanna said again, quieter now. “Relax lang.”
“Anong relax?!” Stacey hissed. “Sino yung babaeng kasabay niya sa taxi? Pag kami magkasama, tren o jeep lang. Tapos pag ibang babae, taxi?”
“Baka ano lang—”
“Ano?!” Stacey snapped, turning to her.
Jhoanna raised both hands in surrender. “Okay. Never mind.”
Stacey turned back to the windshield, biting her cheek. The taxi ahead slowed down near an intersection. Stacey leaned forward again. “Kuya, alam mo naman kung anong taxi yung susundan mo, diba?” She tapped the driver’s shoulder.
“Yes, ma’am,” the driver said. “Yung puti.”
“Kuya naman eh,” Stacey groaned. “Puti lahat yan!”
“Hindi nga,” he answered quickly. “Yung may dilaw na line!”
“Okay, okay,” Stacey said. “Go, Kuya. Bilisan mo!”
Jhoanna glanced out the window, then back at Stacey. “Ano bang gagawin mo?”
Stacey didn’t answer. They followed the taxi through two turns, then another stoplight. Stacey kept shifting in her seat, fingers digging into her bag strap.
“Hindi naman ako galit,” she said, more to herself. “Gusto ko lang malaman.”
“Stacey,” Jhoanna said carefully, “alam mo na kung anong itsura mo ngayon, diba?”
“Ano?”
“Parang—” Jhoanna stopped. Chose a different angle. “Sigurado ka bang gusto mo ’tong makita?”
Stacey swallowed. “Oo.”
The taxi ahead slowed, blinkers flashing. Stacey straightened. “Kuya, diyan diyan,” she said. “Sa gilid.” Their taxi pulled over a few cars back. They watched.
The door of the other taxi opened. Colet stepped out first, bag slung over her shoulder. Then the woman followed—older, neatly dressed, talking animatedly.
Stacey squinted. “Sino yan?”
“Mukhang—” Jhoanna leaned closer to the window. “—tang ina mo Stacey tita niya yan!”
They watched Colet nod, listen, smile politely. She handed the woman something—papers, maybe—then waved as the woman got back into the taxi.
The cab pulled away. Colet stood there alone for a second, pulling out her phone.
Stacey didn’t move when her phone buzzed, it was Colet. “Uuwi muna ako ha. La pa ako ligo. Daan ako mamaya sa inyo. Love you po.”
Stacey sank back into her seat, suddenly exhausted. “Bwiset.”
The driver glanced at them through the rearview mirror. “Bababa na ba kayo, ma’am?”
Stacey stared out the window. “Hindi.” She leaned her head back against the seat, eyes closed. “Kuya,” she said quietly. “Take me home na lang.”
“Saan po yan?”
—
Stacey was already crying when she opened the gate. Colet froze for half a second.
“Stace?” she asked, following her inside. “Okay ka lang?”
Stacey sat down on the small stool just outside the door, shoulders shaking. Colet dropped her bag and knelt in front of her, both hands resting on Stacey’s knees.
“Anong nangyari sa’yo?” she asked gently, wiping Stacey’s tears away with her thumbs.
Stacey sobbed harder. “Feeling ko… nababaliw na ako.”
“Ha?” Colet said. “Bakit? May nangyari ba? Inaway ka ba ni Jho?”
Stacey let out a small, broken laugh, tears still streaking down her face. “Hindi,” she said, wiping her cheeks with the back of her hand. She looked at Colet, blinking slowly. “Nakakasakal ba ako?”
Colet sighed softly. She took Stacey’s hand away from her face and tucked loose strands of hair behind her ears. “Medyo…” Stacey broke down completely, words coming out in incoherent sobs.
“Ano?” Colet asked, trying and failing to hold back a chuckle.
“S-s-sorry ha,” Stacey cried. “Sorry kung nakakasakal. Kung nakaka-umay. Sorry kung palagi akong nagte-text sa’yo. Sorry kung sobrang demanding ko. Sorry kung inaaway kita palagi. Sorry kung—”
“Teka lang, teka lang,” Colet said, cutting her off. She leaned in and kissed Stacey slowly, softly. “Kailan ba ako nagreklamo?”
Stacey took three short breaths, trying to steady herself. “Ne-never.”
Colet smiled and cupped her cheek with her palm. Stacey leaned into it instinctively. “So bakit ka nagso-sorry?”
“Sabi ni Jho—”
“Ba’t ka maniniwala kay Jhoanna,” Colet said, amused. “Never pa naman nagka-girlfriend yun.”
“Sabi din ni Shee—”
“O si Sheena din,” Colet added. “Alam mo naman na bitter yun.”
“Si Aiah kasi—”
“Si Aiah?” Colet snorted softly. “Humahagulhol pa yun gabi-gabi kasi di siya maka-move on. Wag kang maniwala sa kanya.”
Stacey laughed through her sniffles. She reached up and tucked a loose strand of hair behind Colet’s ear. “Talaga?”
“Talaga.”
“Stace,” Colet continued, wiping the last tears from the corners of her eyes. “Alam kong kilala ka nila. Kilala rin nila ako. Pero tayo? As in tayo together?” She shook her head slightly. “Wala silang alam sa’tin. Tayo lang nakakaalam.”
Stacey nodded, biting her lip. “Okay,” she said. Then, quieter, “Pero kasi…”
“Kasi ano?”
Stacey looked down, words spilling faster now. “Feeling ko nababaliw na talaga ako. Feeling ko hindi ako makahinga pag di ka nagre-reply. Di ako nakakatulog nang mahimbing pag di ka tumatawag. Pag di kita nakikita, feeling ko sumasakit yung balakang ko, yung tuhod ko—ewan ko ba.” She laughed, a bit shaky. “Di naman ako ganito dati. Buong araw iniisip ko kung kumain ka ba, kung nag-toothbrush ka ba, kung nahilo ka na sa formalin.”
She wiped her nose, a little embarrassed. “Minsan nga nananaginip ako na naaksidente ka, tapos namatay ka, tapos gigising akong umiiyak. Sobrang baliw, di ba? Tapos ikaw…” She looked at Colet. “Ikaw relax lang. Gigising, magtatrabaho, matutulog. Ang unfair naman.”
Colet laughed softly and scratched her ear. “Kaya niyo ba ako sinundan ni Jhoanna kanina?”
Stacey immediately covered her face with both hands. “Puta naman.”
Colet laughed a little louder and tried to pull her hands away. “Colet naman eh,” Stacey groaned. “Ba’t mo alam?”
“Syempre,” Colet said. “Nakita ko kayo sa taxi.”
“See?” Stacey said, voice cracking again. “Nababaliw na talaga ako.”
She looked up at her, eyes wide and a little red. “Kaya mo pa ba ’to?”
Colet didn’t answer right away. She shifted closer, resting her forehead against Stacey’s.
“Again,” she said quietly, “kailan ba ako nagreklamo?”
Stacey swallowed. “Hindi pa.”
“Hindi talaga,” Colet corrected. “Hindi ever.”
Stacey stared at her for a moment, chest still rising too fast.
“Pa’no mo ba nagagawa yan?” she asked.
“Ang alin?”
“Yan. Ganyan.” Stacey lifted Colet’s chin with two fingers. “Mag-relax.”
Colet shrugged slightly. “Ewan ko.” She took Stacey’s hand and kissed her palm. “Relax lang talaga ako.”
“Minsan kasi,” Stacey said carefully, “parang wala kang feelings.”
Colet frowned. “Bakit? Hindi mo nararamdaman na mahal kita?”
“Hindi,” Stacey said immediately. Then she shook her head. “I mean—hindi yan yung ibig kong sabihin.”
“Eh ano?”
Stacey sighed, trying so hard to explain herself. “I mean… hindi ka ba nagpa-panic na baka mambabae ako? O baka masagasaan ako? O baka mabilaukan ako—kasi alam mo naman minsan hindi talaga ako ngumunguya nang maayos, nilulunok ko agad, diba?”
Colet laughed softly, but Stacey kept going.
“Iniisip mo ba ako? I mean, alam ko naman na iniisip mo ako eh. Pero gaano ka dalas? Ano ba tumatakbo sa isip mo? Ano ba—”
“Iniisip ko?” Colet cut in gently. She shifted her weight, her knees were starting to hurt, but she didn’t say anything. She just looked at Stacey. “Iniisip ko palagi yung unang araw na nakita kita sa canteen,” she said. “Iniisip ko kung asan na yung pink na T-shirt na suot mo nung araw na yun, at bakit di mo na sinusuot. Siguro butas na yun ngayon. Siguro natambak na lang sa likod ng cabinet mo. Iniisip ko na hahanapin ko yun mamaya.”
Stacey blinked.
“Iniisip ko na ibibigay ko lahat ng gusto ni Sheena kasi pinakilala ka niya sa’kin,” Colet continued. “Iniisip ko kung gaano kalamig yung kamay mo nung nag-shake hands tayo. Iniisip ko kung bakit medyo nakabuka yung mata mo pag tulog ka. Iniisip ko kung sakto na ba yung ipon ko, para ako na magbayad ng pang manicure saka pedicure mo. Schedule mo na next week diba? Iniisip ko na mas malaki na yung bag na dala mo simula nung naging tayo, kasi alam mong ayokong magdala ng gamit. Iniisip ko… bahay. Maliit lang. Sakto lang. Isang kwarto para kay Jhoanna. Tas may isang maliit na batang maldita, kagaya mo. O baka mas malala pa sa’yo. Sa bahay na yun, walang sisigaw. Walang mababasag na pinggan. Tatawa lang tayo, kasi iniisip ko pa lang yung tawa mo, natatawa na rin ako.”
She paused, steadying her breath. “Iniisip ko na siguro totoo yung magic. Siguro hindi imposible na may nagpapakasal na tikbalang pag umaaraw habang umuulan.” She smiled. “Iniisip ko na sana totoong may kabilang buhay. Na may kabilang mundo pa bukod dito. At sana kahit doon—kahit saan—ikaw pa rin hahalikan ko bago matulog.”
Stacey froze, mouth slightly open. Then she laughed. Loud, surprised, a little hysterical. She pulled Colet into the tightest hug she could manage. “Tang ina,” she said, muffled against Colet’s shoulder. “Ang cute cute mo!! Alam mo ba yon?!!”
Colet laughed into her hair. “Okay ka na?”
Stacey pulled back just enough to look at her. “Okay na.”
“Sure?”
“Medyo,” Stacey said, then leaned in and kissed her—once, twice. The third kiss lingered, slower, deeper. “Pero magbabago na ako,” she added softly when they parted. “Magre-relax na rin ako. Hindi na ako magiging magulo. Promise.”
Colet smiled, totally unconvinced. She leaned in again, kissing Stacey’s jaw, then her chin, then the bridge of her nose. “Again,” she whispered, “kailan ba ako nagreklamo?”
Stacey held her face with both hands, squishing tightly. "Ang cute cute mo talaga. Napaka squishy mo." She kissed Colet's forehead, then her nose, then her lips. "I love you."
Colet laughed, barely getting a sound out with her face squeezed. "I love you too."