Chapter Text
It’s been two weeks since chuuya went to Dazais apartment. Throughout these past two weeks chuuya and dazai have skipped together almost everyday. It became their thing, and they’d often go back to each other's houses after school. In the same predicament Dazai was usually left home alone.
It was comforting to chuuya, to find someone in a similar situation, to find someone that makes the quiet less loud. There was something about dazai that no matter what they did, chuuya didn’t have that lingering sadness that ripped holes through him. Nothing was boring with dazai even if all they did was sit in silence.
**********
November 19th,
Chuuya was sitting with tachihara, Gin, and one of Gins new friends, highuchi in the cafeteria.
“Oh my god you should have seen him.” Gin laughed while looking over to Higuchi. “He slipped and ate shit so bad.” Gin reenacted someone falling.
“Where was this at?” Higuchi asked.
Gin sat back down next to Higuchi. Chuuya and tachihara were on the other side of the table. “7/11 in the middle of the aisle.”
Tachihara looked shameful. “It wasn’t that bad.” He sighed, rubbing his hand down his face. Chuuya started laughing with Gin.
“It was, you even knocked things down in the aisle.” Gin tried to calm herself down but she was still giggling.
Chuuya felt something rub past him, as soon as he looked over he could already see dazai walking past. He probably did it on purpose, Sparing him a quick glance as he walked further away. Chuuya watched him as he walked all the way to a small group of people at a table across the room, watching him sit down they held eye contact for a moment. It’s been like this the past couple of weeks. Bumping into each other in the halls. Giving long looks when they never speak in the classes they have with each other. The only time they speak is when they’re skipping school.
Chuuya tapped tachihara on the shoulder, gin and Higuchi were still laughing with each other. “Do you know who dazai is?” Chuuya asked.
Tachihara made an unusual face, like he was uncomfortable. “Who doesn't? He was the talk of the school last year.” He blurted out.
Chuuya looked confused. “What do you mean?” He asked eagerly.
Tachiara almost looked like he regretted what he said, regardless of that he still inched closer to chuuya before he whispered, “He overdosed last year and was hospitalized for a while. I think he even went to rehab, but I’m not sure.” You could clearly hear the discomfort in Tachihara's voice.
Chuuya had a realization. “Oh.” He should’ve understood.
“I mean we all have our issues.” As tachihara said this the bell rang. “I’ll see you in 5th if you don’t skip.” Tachiara got up with his backpack and walked away with gin and Higuchi. They went to class on the other side of the building for 4th.
Chuuya stayed sitting at the lunch table as people started swarming around trying to get to class. He studied Dazai's body from across the room, watching as he got up and took his backpack, slinging it across his back, he watched Dazais friends too suddenly analyzing it all. He knew Dazai did things but he never really thought deeply about it. Just as he was getting lost in his thoughts, the buzzing of his phone distracted him.
Dazai
I can see you eyeing me
Chuuya snapped out of it and realized Dazai was intently staring back, and all of his friends were gone now.
Chuuya
Come out back with me ?
He couldn’t think of anything snarky to say back, too lost in his thoughts, he didn’t want to admit the worry he felt for Dazai.
As Chuuya glanced back up at Dazai he saw the way he stared through him, almost like a longing stare for a lover. Chuuya got lost in the intensity of his brown eyes before finally getting up and walking out back, and if Chuuya was a girl he would’ve fallen for those eyes right in that moment.
Seeing him now he couldn’t help but understand the look in his eyes. That empty ring of light dancing around. They were sitting at the back of the school in their usual spot.
“Why are you looking at me like you want to kiss me?” Dazai asked innocently.
Chuuya's face grew bitter. “Don’t even.” Dazai winced as his toes got crushed. Chuuya realized he needed to put his emotions in check, he was letting this strange feeling in his stomach take over. A feeling he now desperately wanted to go away.
It had been a little over a half hour before dazai spoke up again, “Do you want to go somewhere?”
Chuuya looked up from his computer. “It’s almost 5th period though?”
“Um so?” Dazai's face was blank with confusion.
“So, if we skip right now that’s three periods I’ll miss.” Chuuya continued to type. He missed a lot of classes but still had morels to not completely flunk out of highschool.
“When have you ever cared about going to class?” Dazai sunk further to the ground with a sigh. “You really won’t?” And maybe Chuuya knew if he went, he really wouldn’t be able to avoid this gravitating pull he knew deep down he felt for Dazai.
“Yeah no.” Chuuya quickly replied. “Go by yourself.”
Ten minutes passed before the bell rang and chuuya started putting away his things. Dazai stayed stuck on the ground.
“Just go to class.” Chuuya stood up and began to walk away before dazai called out.
“You’re fake chuuya!”
When chuuya looked back dazai was pointing his finger at him. To which he slightly smiled before walking away completely. He figured it was best to ignore what he heard from tachihara, it shouldn’t matter to him anyways.
Maybe if he stayed, the next couple of weeks would’ve been different.
*********
November 23,
“I’ve lost my will.” Chuuya deapaned.
“The fuck is that supposed to mean?” Tachihara said, confused.
They were walking up to the steps of chuuyas house.
“I don’t know.” Dazai stopped showing up, that’s what he really wanted to say.
“Whatever you say” tachihara opened the front door.
“Is Gin gonna come by today?” Chuuya asked.
“She said she was, but she had to walk Akutagawa home first.” Akutagawa was Gins little brother.
“He could’ve just come with her.”
“Don’t think he wanted to. He’s going through his emo phase right now.” Tachihara sighed.
Chuuya laughed. “Isn’t he always going through it?”
Tachihara was now following Chuuya back to his bedroom. Tachihara jumped to the bed while Chuuya turned the tv on. “Super mario bros?” Chuuya smiled.
“I swear every time I come over it’s always super Mario bros.” Tachihara sat back on his hands.
Chuuya frowned, “So no super Mario bros.” He grabbed two controllers and sat down beside tachiahara.
“Well I didn’t say no.” Tachihara grabbed the controller out of Chuuya's hand.
Chuuya beat tachihara almost every time before Gin finally showed up. His dad was still out of town so they all spent the night together. Yet the only thing Chuuya's mind went to the whole night was Dazai, what was he doing he wondered. Was he okay? After chuuya left that day dazai disappeared. It had been four days. Chuuya thought maybe he had gotten sick, but even when you're sick you can still pick up your phone.
*********
November 28th,
The days started to morph together for chuuya. It all felt the same. Seeing his friends, going to school, another repetitive cycle. Ever since dazai hadn’t shown up, Chuuya stopped skipping classes. Suddenly it became boring without him.
When he was with his friends it felt like he wasn’t in the same world as them. Always on autopilot. His words came out without a thought, spacing out everything else. All he had to do was say a few words and it was a whole conversation. Chuuya couldn’t help but think; was he always this bored? It seemed like nothing could pull him out.
“Chuuya.” Dazai called
Chuuya's eyes opened, the bright lights clouding his vision until his eyes focused in on Dazai's smiling face.
“You fell asleep.” Chuuya and Dazai were outside in the grass. It was a small park with trees surrounding them. They were sitting on a little hill looking out at a lake.
“I did?” Chuuya sat up facing dazai, he was still groggy from the nap.” What time is it?”
“4pm”
“You let me sleep for a whole hour?” Chuuya acted surprised.
“You looked peaceful.” Dazai sat back, laying on his hands. He was facing the lake now. Chuuya stepped on Dazai's shoe, “ow!” dazai screeched while holding his foot.
”We should go.” Chuuya stood up stretching his back out. “My back hurts.” He glared at Dazai.
Dazai's face was still bitter from being attacked. “How can you just attack me out of nowhere?” He stood up and stepped on Chuuya's foot. “Oh oops.” He gasped sarcastically.
Chuuya slowly rolled his eyes before chasing him. Dazai saw this coming from the way Chuuya eyed him. “Hey you hit me first!” Dazai started running as fast as he could to get away from chuuya
“Chuuya stop!” The voice calling sounded distant.
“Chuuya.” It grew louder.
“Chuuya.” Chuuya could now see Gin clearly in front of him. Holding up a dress. “Do you like this color?” Gin asked.
Right, they were dress shopping for Gin and Higuchi. Chuuya had spaced out on that memory of him and Dazai several days prior. Right before Dazai went awol. After getting home that day Chuuya found out that the only reason Dazai let him sleep was to draw on his face. Permanent marker.
“Yeah I do.” Chuuya stretched his arms forward, maybe he and Dazai were closer than he thought.
“Chuuya, is there something going on, you’ve seemed so spaced out recently?” Gin casually said putting another dress back on the rack. They were homecoming shopping. Chuuya came to give opinions.
“No, I'm okay.” Chuuya said, walking behind Gin.
“Are you sure?” Gin turned around now facing chuuya.
“Yes,” Chuuya smiled. “I was just spacing out because of how boring this is. Are you almost done yet?”
“Almost.” Gin smiled back and turned around.
They were in fact not almost done. It took another hour before Chuuya got away from dress shopping. And the whole time chuuya couldn’t stop thinking about the memory that flashed right through him. Him and dazai at the lake. It was a stupid memory really. Dazai only dragged him out because he declared that chuuya hadn’t been around the city enough, he protested and protested but he still ended up next to the lake with dazai.
*********
November 30th,
Chuuya didn’t know why he was doing this, dazai and him weren’t that close. But he still found himself walking up the steps to Dazai house. Then knocking on his door. Mori's car was gone, probably away on business. He stayed standing outside for two minutes before the door bursted open. His eyes grew sad at what was behind the door. Dazai was drinking more and more each day, and after what tachihara had said he knew it. Chuuya knew things weren’t okay, he knew but still. He avoided it, running away from Dazai and the feelings he brought him.
But running away clearly wasn’t working.
Chuuya walked in and shut the door behind him Dazai stumbled backwards. He looked at Chuuya, not speaking a word. “Are you stupid! Day drinking? Smoking? Missing a week of school?” Chuuya asked, moving a little closer breaking the invisible wall they both created.
Only a foot away from dazai now. His hands reached up to Dazai's eyes, opening them wider. Usually this wouldn’t bother Chuuya as much, but after what Tachi said he suddenly took it more seriously. “Your pupils are dilated, are you on pills?” Chuuya was angry, but not the typical anger he gets when Dazai steps on him on purpose. The type of anger you feel when you’re worried about someone.
“You see me day drinking all the time chuuya, and no I’m not on pills.” Dazai almost seemed offended at that.
“You just disappeared for days, not answering any of my calls!”
“Why does that matter, are we supposed to be friends?” Dazai snapped back. It stung to hear those words, it hadn’t been that long, but he felt closer to Dazai than anyone else. They weren’t friends?
“I know what happened last year.”
As Chuuya stared into Dazai’s eyes he saw the emotions immediately change, anger circling through his eyes, “Leave.” Dazai was firm and it made Chuuya instantly regret bringing it up.
“Dazai I’m not trying-“
“You know what happened last year.” Chuuya had never seen Dazai angry. “You know nothing.”
“I’m not leaving.”
Chuuya walked past Dazai heading for the stairs. “Chuuya what are you doing, I said leave.” Chuuya didn’t budge so Dazai followed in suit. As soon as he walked into the room he saw dozens of cans, bottles of liquor all over Dazai's desk and floor.
“Holy shit” it was way more than he usually had.
“Chuuya it’s fine.” Dazai words cut harshly, grabbing ahold of Chuuya's sleeve. “You see this all the time. It’s normal.”
“Is this what you’ve been doing for the past week? It’s not normal dazai!” Chuuyas' voice grew irritated. “Normal is occasionally, but you have them piled up in your room week after week!”
“You see this all the time, it's not an issue.”
“I was so stupid!” Chuuya started clearing off the cans, throwing them into a garbage bag he found.
Dazai watched as Chuuya cleared off the cans, getting rid of the bottles. The sun illuminating his room as it sets. Watching the orange dance off of Chuuya's pale skin. “Just leave, you're not my caretaker.” Chuuya felt the sick twinge turn in his stomach. Dazai sounded genuine, like he didn’t want Chuuya there at all. “It’s not your place to be here.” You could hear the irritation grow in his voice with each sentence.
“Then whose place is it dazai!” Chuuya started yelling. “If not mine then whose! I don’t see your stupid friends here picking you up from a drunken haze.” Chuuya turned away from the cans yelling at Dazai. His voice was choking. “Or your dad that never checks in on you!” The wall that divided them from stranger to more had been erased by chuuya.
“Why are you acting like this? It’s not like we don’t day drink together. Just leave, hypocrite!” Dazai shouted back. Moving his hand through his hair as he paced.
“It’s been a week since I last saw you. Have you been drunk this whole time?” Chuuya backed up grabbing the last few cans off the table. “I thought you were sick!” Chuuya faced him again, with both of his arms dropping to his side as the garbage bag sat on the floor next to his feet.
“Get the fuck out!” Dazai was never one to get emotional , maybe he’d slip up every now and then, but Chuuya could tell something was wrong, something bad enough that made even Dazai slip.
“I’m not leaving.” Chuuya turned around and walked out of Dazai's room, the garbage bag clinking behind him as he walked.
“What are you doing!” Dazai followed. “You’re so dramatic.” dazai watched as he went outside. “What are you doing?”
“I’m getting rid of all of it. What does it look like I’m doing?”
Chuuya looked him dead in the eyes, dumping out the bottles that had liquor left. “How much have you been drinking?” Dazai stayed quiet. “Last time I was here there were no more cans, it’s only been a little over a week and you have like 3 bottles and at least 30+ cans.” Chuuya dropped the empty bottles by the glass outside. Dazai stayed silent before walking back inside, “what are you gonna lock me out. Chuuya followed but the door slammed shut before he could get inside, reaching for the handle, it was locked. “Are you serious?” Chuuya yelled. “Asshole! Let me in!”
It took a second for him to remember they never lock the back door, so he hopped the fence, but the second he got to the door he already saw Dazai through the glass. “Oh so you’re enjoying this?” Chuuya was more than irritated when he saw Dazai walk up stairs, “Fine! Lock me out!”
Chuuya sat on the back patio for ten minutes contemplating. Second guessing everything that went on between them, Dazai went as far as to lock him out, and even though Chuuyas gut said it was just him being petty, he wasn’t sure of anything. Dazai was right, it was typical for him to day drink, and Chuuya did it with him. But seeing him like this, Chuuya couldn’t do it, he couldn’t leave him here, not like this, he's never shown these emotions before.
Suddenly a light bulb lit up in Chuuya's brain, the garage door, maybe it was unlocked. There was a side door to the garage that no one went through. Making his way back it’s probably been around 15 minutes since Dazai locked him out. The door was beside the house connected to the backyard, but disappointment struck when he realized it was locked.
He started moving around the mat and turning over rocks looking for the key, then he jumped up feeling above the door frame, a silver key fell from the top. He wondered what idiot would ever put a spare key up there, but unlocked the door quickly.
The door into the house was hidden by the Landry room so you couldn’t see Chuuya open it. When he walked in it was almost completely quiet but something made him stop from walking further, instead he peeked his head out. He saw Dazai sitting at the dining table, his back facing him, shaking, he was trembling. Chuuya froze; he didn't leave the laundry room, instead sat on the floor out of sight listening to Dazai quietly cry.
He sat and listened for thirty minutes before Dazai went up stairs. Chuuya didn’t know what he was doing but when he got up, he looked back at the dining table, there was a picture frame left where Dazai was sitting. Chuuya went to pick it up and it looked like it was taken a year ago more or less. It was Dazai and another boy who looked a few years older, they didn’t look alike, but Dazai looked happier than he ever thought Dazai could be. Smiling ear to ear, with light filling his face, mori sat in the back of the picture staring at the boys with a smile.
Who was this boy? What did he mean to Dazai and Mori? Chuuya left before he could get the answer, and walked out the front door. He didn't try to be quiet when he let the door close, Dazai probably heard him leave, but he never got a text asking. Chuuya suddenly felt out of place.
What was he doing?