Chapter Text
The minute the two shadows loomed over Squidward, he knew in an instant who was disturbing his sunbathing session. The two candidates for the world’s worst neighbor under the ocean.
The sarcastic cephalopod would rather have not reacted and ignored them both, but he had a dreadful feeling that this time they would absolutely not going to go away until he played one of their stupid games, so he took off his sunglasses with great reluctance and met his most annoying neighbor’s eyes.
“What do you want, SpongeBob.” He grumbled. Just when his skin was becoming a nice, deep teal, too…
“Heeeyyyy, Squidward!” SpongeBob said in that high-pitched scrawl of his. “Guess what?” He said in that Neptune-awful singsong tone.
Squidward looked at his face and his moronic best friend next to him and knew they wouldn’t be giving up. He sighed. “What.”
SpongeBob giggled and shifted. He had something behind his back. Seemed small.
“Wellll…what do you think I have behind my back?” The sponge needled.
Squidward rolled his eyes. “Unicorn eyelashes?” He said in the most sarcastic voice he could summon. The two idiots stifled their laughs and shook their heads in unison. “Nope! Try again!” SpongeBob laughed.
Squidward blinked. Why was he even playing along with this? “How about no.” He said, lifting his sunglasses up and putting them back on.
“Aw, cmon, Squidward!” SpongeBob said, voice even higher than usual. “You might be closer this time!”
“Nope.”
“I’ll give you a hint!”
“No.”
“It’s ok if you’re embarrassed, Squidward.” Patrick piped up. “It’s ok to get answers wrong!”
Squidward whipped off his sunglasses and glared right at him. What was THAT supposed to mean???
“Ok, fine! Stupid new jellyfish nets or whatever?!” He snapped.
SpongeBob laughed out loud. “Nope! Even better!”
“A coupon for working overtime at the Krusty Krab for 99 straight days?”
“Ha! I wish but that probably won’t be a good thing now if that happens!”
Squidward raised an eyebrow. He never thought he’d hear that coming from those two buck teeth.
“A giant ice cream cone?” He guessed, deadpan.
“Nopeeee!” SpongeBob giggled.
There was a noise from his hands behind his back and something shot out, landing on the ground. Patrick went to pick it up and put it back, but Squidward had seen what it was, and he knew for sure that it had been a tiny violet pacifier.
“A doll?” Squidward guessed.
SpongeBob and Patrick shared a knowing look and giggled even more. “Nope!”
Squidward leaned back. “I give up. What is it.”
The yellow annoyance bared his teeth in a hyperactive smile and whipped out whatever new object of irritation he had to share. “TA-DA!!!”
Squidward stared, a mild surge of surprise emerging, he’d admit, but he managed to keep his face straight. “It’s a baby.”
“Not just a baby!” SpongeBob hugged the little fish, somehow not turning his stomach into a pincushion with all those tiny spines.
“She’s MY baby! Eliana SquarePants!”
Squidward gave him a strange look. He wouldn’t have thought this would happen. At least not recently.
“Say hi to your Uncle Squiddy, Ellie Bellie!”
He put the baby right in his face and his view filled with a moving pacifier and two of the most purple eyes he had ever seen.
The baby was strange. An actual Lionfish? He’d seen their art and relics from their culture before in museums and galleries. They were normally a bit primeval for his tastes and their color schemes left a little to be desired, but he admired their ways of showing anatomy and attention to detail on their weapons.
This baby’s fins barely looked big enough to hold a pencil or a bead of clay. In fact, everything about her was tiny. The only thing about her that wasn’t small was the look she was giving the cynical octopus, and the way she seemed to carry herself, even if she was being held by someone else in the first place.
Squidward held his gaze with her. She was SpongeBob’s kid, huh? This kid was sure in for a wild life.
“I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.” He said monotonously, putting his sunglasses back on and leaning back, getting back to his suntan.
“Awww, thanks for supporting me, Squidward!” His chaotic neighbor said, bringing the small creature back near his chest.
“I was talking to the baby.” He elaborated with a half-sigh.
For once, SpongeBob and Patrick had no response to what Squidward just said.