Chapter Text
“I just woke up from a dream
Where you and I had to say goodbye
And I don't know what it all means
But since I survived, I realized
Wherever you go, that's where I'll follow
Nobody's promised tomorrow
So I'ma love you every night like it's the last night
Like it's the last night”
— Die With a Smile (Bruno Mars & Lady Gaga)
Namgyu was tired. He was so, so tired. He didn’t want to move. He hadn’t stopped crying, he could still feel one tear drip down his cheek. He woke up with his back pressed against the wall. The same way he fell asleep. Except he didn’t feel rested at all. Every cell in his body was exhausted. All his limbs felt heavy.
All those attempts he had. Every single opportunity to save Thanos. Wasted. All because Namgyu focussed on the wrong things. The wrong person. He doubted even killing Myunggi would help. Knowing his luck, he’d just end up dead himself, and wouldn’t that be fucked up irony, Thanos living only for him to die instead. Would it be worth it? His fingers stroked the cold metal cross in his pocket. Saving Thanos and not suffering himself? He let out a sigh. It was better than what he got now.
Thanos took that moment to pop up next to him. No matter that Namgyu expected it, he wasn’t ready. Thanos’ smile, his liveliness.
“Come on, Namsu, it’s time to vote!”
“Namgyu.” The correction was habit at this point, he didn’t even know why he even bothered anymore. He never got it right.
“Yeah, yeah,” Thanos waved it off, as if his name didn’t matter, as if he didn’t matter. “Come on. Time for one more game. Time to earn more money!”
Thanos was jumping around, gesturing his arms widely, full of life. Yet all Namgyu could see was his lifeless body, the way the blood trickled out of him, the way his eyes lost their spark. Just a few more hours and Thanos would be dead. Again. And there was nothing Namgyu could do to stop it. Not killing people, not saving people, hell, even changing the vote didn’t work.
Namgyu wiped his shaking hand over his face, a sob on his lips. He tried to keep it down, but once that first sob left his lips, he couldn’t hold it back. He pulled his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around them.
“Hey.” Thanos sounded worried. “Hey, hey, hey, Namsu. What’s wrong, man?” There were hands on his shoulders.
Namgyu shook his head even as he buried his face in his knees. He kept quiet, but the tears wouldn’t be stopped. All the sadness of the last few days came pouring out of him. All the deaths, all the fighting, all the times he was left all on his own.
“Hey, talk to me. What’s going on? Tell me. ”
The bed dipped and an arm was thrown over his shoulders, pulling him into Thanos’ side. Despite how Namgyu tried to shy away, he couldn’t help but lean into the touch. Thanos was right there. Thanos was next to him. Thanos was holding him. Namgyu pressed his face into Thanos’ shoulder, tears soaking his jacket.
“Shh, Namsu, it’s okay.” Thanos rubbed his arm. “We’ll make it through the games, okay? Don’t worry, I’ve got you, man. You’re safe with me.”
That didn’t comfort him at all. It wasn’t Namgyu that had to stay safe. It was Thanos. Thanos wasn’t safe here. They had to get out of here.
He sucked in a breath. He glanced at Thanos, who was comforting him because Namgyu fully broke down.
He had an idea. A crazy, stupid, impossible idea. One that would rely solely on Thanos listening to him and actually doing what he asked. Namgyu stared at Thanos. There was only one thing left to try. And he didn’t have much hope in that plan.
“We have to get out of the games,” he trembled out.
Thanos almost flinched away from him. “What? Are you crazy?” He stood and towered over him. “I’m not quitting, Namsu. I need that money. You know that.”
Namgyu stood up as well. He pushed his hair back behind his ears nervously. “Thanos, I get that, please just listen to me. I’ll give you—”
“—I am not giving up now. I’m this close to be debt free.” Thanos held his thumb and pointer finger close together, showing just how close he was.
“I know that, but you’ll—”
“—Just one more game, Namsu. One more and I’m done. I’m not quitting now,” he said as he walked away.
“Please, Thanos, listen to me.” Yet Thanos did no such thing. “Damnit, Thanos, will you shut up and listen to me,” he yelled at the same time he shoved him against the bunks.
Thanos grunted as his back his the railings. He glared at Namgyu.
“What the fuck, man?”
“We need to get out of here,” Namgyu stressed out every word. “You’ll die if we stay here. And I can’t watch you die. Not again. And I love you but I can’t stay here for the off chance that that won’t happen, because I’ve tried too many times, and I’m out of ways to save you. So I’m begging you please to get out of here. I’ll give you my share of the money, you can have it, anything I own, I’ll give it to you. We can also go after MG Coin to give up his share, he owes us that much with the shit he’s done, just please, please, please, I’m begging you. Please just vote X. I’ll do whatever you want, everything I have, just please, please…”
Thanos stared at him wide-eyed and open-mouthed his entire speech. He didn’t interrupt, he didn’t scoff, didn’t roll his eyes. Even after Namgyu begged he still didn’t say anything.
Namgyu’s hands dropped from the hold he had on Thanos’ sweater, defeated. He was never going to save him. He sank down on Thanos’ bed, head in his arms and trying not to cry again. His one last chance to save Thanos, and he failed miserably. He just wanted him alive. Why was that too much to ask? Why wouldn’t the universe let him have him? Why did he have to keep watching him die?
The mattress dipped as Thanos sat down in front of him. Namgyu peeked out from under his arm to see Thanos stare at him intensely.
He jutted his chin. “Say it again.”
Namgyu bristled. “What?”
Thanos leaned in closer, eyes piercing sharply into his own. “Say it again.” He was waiting intently. Part of his speech hit the mark. Now he had to figure out which part.
“The money is yours,” he said easily. And he meant it. He’d give his right arm for Thanos to live. He’d give him every paycheck until his dying day. “When we get out, I’ll give it to you—”
But Thanos waved a hand at him. “No, not that. The other thing.” As if it was silly to offer. As if the money wasn’t the reason he stayed in the games.
Namgyu opened and closed his mouth, wracking his brain. “We can go after MG Coin,” Namgyu would actually really like that. They could beat him up, before taking his money. Without a crowd of people to protect him, he was nothing. “He’s a pushover, he’ll give it up if we—”
Again Thanos waved it off. “No, you’re getting it wrong.”
Namgyu took a breath. What else? He was running out of options. What else? “I— I don’t want to see you die?” He never wanted to see him die again. If he had to see him die again it might actually kill him. He would make sure Namgyu died first before he ever even had the possibility of seeing Thanos die again.
Thanos bowed his head, shaking, a humourless chuckle escaped him. “Namsu, you’re such a freaking idiot.”
Namgyu snarled at him. How dare he? Namgyu risked everything for him. “For the last time it’s—”
“Do you love me?
His own name stopped on his lips, eyes widened. Shit, did he say that? Out loud? He hadn’t even admitted it to himself yet. He pushed it back every time he even came close to fucking feeling it, let alone admit to it. He struggled to get the words out. “I—” He couldn’t even say it. He couldn’t, the one thing Thanos asked of him, the one thing he wanted to hear and he couldn’t say it.
Thanos’ hands cupped his face, his thumbs softly rubbing his cheeks. “Do you love me? he repeated. His voice was soft.
“I—”
Thanos stared deep into his eyes, his sole focus on Namgyu. It was so much. It was too much. Thanos had never given him this much undivided attention. There were snippets of it. When Thanos sat on top of him when Namgyu woke up in his bed. When he kneeled in front of him during the last round of mingle. When he hugged Namgyu after they got separated during another last round of mingle. When he woke up with his head in Thanos’ lap. Small moments. Small moments that added up to the bigger emotion that Namgyu had that revolved around Thanos.
“I do,” his mouth said without his brain’s permission. Both men started at his words. Small, tiny words that barely encompassed what Thanos asked, what Namgyu meant. “I love you,” he trembled as he said the words again. They were a confession. A statement of everything he felt and never expressed. He took a deep breath. “I love you,” he repeated, more confident, more meaningful.
Thanos’ brow furrowed. And Namgyu’s heart shattered. He didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t feel the same.
Namgyu averted his eyes. He pressed his lips together. He was getting rejected. Told he was a faggot or disgusting. Or both. He might as well ask the guards to shoot him if that happened.
Something soft pressed against his lips. Namgyu’s eyes snapped open.
Thanos was closer, all up in his face. And his lips pressed against his own. Thanos was kissing him. Thanos was fucking kissing him! He had to be dreaming. This had to be a dream. Before long Thanos would come and wake him and the hell of Mingle would start all over again.
All too soon the kiss was over.
“You lovesick junkie,” Thanos grinned at him.
A hysterical laugh escaped from Namgyu’s mouth. It was real. He was awake and Thanos just kissed him. He pulled Thanos in for another kiss, just to prove that it was real the first time. Thanos went willingly. They exchanged open-mouthed kisses right there, on Thanos’ bed, in plain view of everyone. Not that anyone would be turned their way. Thanos snaked his hand around, cupping his neck, keeping him close. Namgyu closed his hand around Thanos’ wrist, afraid he would disappear.
Namgyu was the first one to stop. He hated it, but he needed to have some clarity. He needed to know. “Will you vote X?” He needed to press X. If he didn’t press X, it didn’t even matter. Unless Namgyu managed to kill Myunggi and he seriously doubted if he could.
Thanos groaned and tried to pull away, but Namgyu held an iron grip on his wrist, staring intently at him.
“Come on, Namsu,” he whined. “Can’t we do that after tomorrow’s game?”
“Thanos.” Namgyu didn’t know if he wanted to scream or beg.
“Fine,” Thanos said finally. “I’ll vote O.”
“X,” Namgyu corrected instantly. “You’ll vote X.”
“Yeah, yeah, I’ll vote X.”
Namgyu wanted to press more, but was afraid he’d push Thanos back to O if he did. So instead he pulled Thanos back and kissed him again, sweetly this time. “Thank you. Thank you.” The frown on Thanos’ forehead disappeared with every kiss Namgyu gave him, until he was once more relaxed against him.
The next time they broke apart it was Thanos that put distance between them. “We should tell the rest of Team Thanos.” Thanos shifted to get up, but Namgyu grabbed onto him.
“No, don’t go. Don’t leave me.” He hated how needy he sounded. So desperate.
Thanos stared at him. Then a smile spread over his face. “Aww, you’re so cute.”
Namgyu bristled at that and was about to open his mouth to snap something, when Thanos sat back down and pulled Namgyu into his lap. But what really stole Namgyu’s voice was when Thanos pressed a kiss on his cheek.
“My Namsu.”
Namgyu melted into his embrace. He could feel tears once again threatening to spill, but this time because he was happy. It seemed he waited an eternity for this moment. He rested his head on Thanos’ shoulder, eyes closed, at ease for the first time since he landed in the cames.
“You do realise you have to let me go soon to vote, right?” Thanos murmured, his fingers running up and down Namgyu’s spine. By all appearances it seemed he had no intention of letting him go.
Namgyu didn’t answer. He just burrowed himself more against Thanos’ chest. He wanted to live in this moment forever. He knew this wouldn’t last. Something would come along to destroy it.
The voting was already well on its way while Namgyu and Thanos had been… busy. And Namgyu was terrified. He pressed his sweatered hand against his mouth. Thanos said he was gonna vote X, but Thanos didn’t even remember half of what he did seconds after he did it.
“Player 230, if you don’t step forward, you will forfeit your vote.”
“Shit!” Thanos disentangled Namgyu from his lap, and hurried forward, dragging Namgyu with him by their entangled hands. That gesture did nothing to erase the anxiety racing through Namgyu’s body. Would Thanos actually press X? Did he remember promising to press X? Would he honour that promise? Or had he been lying?
Thanos pushed past the lower numbers until he was at the front. He walked up to the buttons. Every time before he kissed the button before he strolled off to side O. Now he was standing there, not pressing anything. Namgyu wrapped his hands in his sweater and pressed one hand to his mouth. Would he press X? Or would he still press O? Thanos glanced behind him, up at the piggybank, floating there with all the money for every player that died. He stared a little too hard and too long. Then his eyes found Namgyu.
Namgyu held his eyes. He made an X with his arms, hoping, praying that Thanos would actually press X. Thanos held his gaze a little longer, before he turned back around and slapped his hand on the button. The X button.
Namgyu nearly collapsed in relief. He folded his hands in front of his face. He did it. He actually did it.
There was a loud murmur going through the players. No one could believe that Thanos, one of the most vocal advocates of continuing the games, chose X. Thanos changed his blue O for a red X and shuffled over to the other side. He stood there with great reluctance.
The rest of the voting went as usual. All the usual people voted X, all the usual people voted O. Like clockwork. Minsu pressed the X button and went over again, keeping clear of Thanos. Not that Thanos noticed. He still wasn’t looking up.
“Player 124.”
Namgyu moved forward. He didn’t even hesitate like he did before and just pressed X. He changed his patch and made his way over to Thanos. Namgyu clutched his arm tight as he leaned his head on Thanos’ shoulder.
Thanos was pouting at the floor and didn’t even seem to notice.
The voting line became shorter and shorter. X was in the lead and remained in the lead. They’d won. Even if Player 1 for some reason did change to O again, they’d have still won.
Player 1 voted, and Namgyu and voted X. Whatever made him vote O last round was gone. He wanted to go over to him and shake him and demand answers. But his self-preservation was too great for that. That didn’t stop him from glaring at player 1.
Cheers erupted around him, startling him out of his one-sided beef. He glanced up at the score and sucked in a breath.
The vote ended 52-48.
Namgyu couldn’t believe it. He saw the results and still he couldn’t believe it. He knew they would win and still feared failing. But he did it. He did it. He won. They won. They were gonna leave.
They won. The X side won.
They were going home.
And most importantly, Thanos was alive.