Chapter Text
Will is confused. He has run through the events of the past 24 hours over and over in his head, he does so once more while he watches Mike devour the blueberry pancakes Will made him.
A few weeks ago Will had thought Mike hated him. His anxiety had gotten as bad as it was in Hawkins and his nightmares became an almost bi-nightly occurrence. Will had spent his semester ugly crying in the bathroom and feeling sorry for himself when he got drunk at parties and his grades had begun to slip.
Will had spent many a sleepless night painting Mike. Quick, wet-on-wet depictions of his best friend, the features falling from his memory and landing on the canvas, oils staining his hands and the stinging smell of fast-evaporating solvent all around him.
Will itches to paint Mike how he has been these past few days, the light falling on one side of his face while he was in Will’s bed. An above shot of Mike lying awe-struck in the snow, dark hair a mess around him, framing his perfect, freckled face.
Will wants to paint Mike exactly how he is right now.
Oh god, Will wants to paint Mike, he wants to smear a thick line of crimson over his face with his palette knife. Wants to capture his valiant paladin with a bruised and bloodied face. Will has seen Mike with a hundred different faces, none of them any more or less perfect than the last, and Will wants to paint them all, show the world his Mike Wheeler, the one he knows more than himself sometimes. Except, Will doesn’t know… well he doesn’t know a lot of things actually.
‘Because I love you?’ Mike had said earlier today. It had made Will’s brain short circuit momentarily. It wasn’t that weird right? It is true that Mike loves him, that’s not a question and Will knows that, always has. It’s the same with the whole party, they love each other, simple as that. But it’s not really something they say outloud, not really, it’s more of an unspoken rule, or a teasing remark, like how it is with siblings, because of course they love each other, they have to, but Mike doesn’t like, love him, right?.
It wasn’t just that either, it was the way Mike had said it, like he was trying to tell Will something through a concussed stupor with limited vocabulary, which is exactly what was happening so it makes sense. But Mike had said it almost like a confession, like a truth that had been hidden for far too long finally being uncovered, but only in incomprehensible riddles and half formed thoughts.
Nothing about it makes any sense, Will isn’t allowed to forgive Mike because Mike loves him? What?
Will probably shouldn’t be over thinking that conversation too much, Mike was concussed and half asleep, he was speaking nonsense and could barely form coherent sentences.
Maybe Mike was just being extra sappy and affectionate in his dilapidated state, either way Will decides to add this I love you into the section of Mike Wheeler memories he thinks about when he feels like giving into temptation. He adds the rest of the conversation into the section of memories he keeps to wonder about late at night and lose sleep over, which doubles as ‘things I really should ask Mike about but probably never will because I am way too scared’.
Will watches as Mike shoves the last bite of his massive stack of blueberry pancakes into his mouth and chews faster than seems humanly possible. Will is forever in awe at the sheer quantity of food Mike can somehow consume so quickly. He pushes the plate away, a sign that he’s finished.
“Satisfied?” Will asks, looking directly at Mike.
Mike hums, leans his elbows on the table and uses them to prop himself up. Mike meets Will’s eyes, his own are half lidded, sleepy, content.
“Yeah. I think I am.”
Will stares. Even more questions forming at the beck and call of recent events. Like, firstly: what the actual fuck? Although that is probably too vague to get any information out of Mike Wheeler, so maybe, why the fuck did you pick a fight with a massive body builder in a cafe on a Sunday morning? Will is a little mad, not mad mad, but like the kind of mad mothers get when their kids do something stupid and dangerous.
Mike stares back at him. His lashes are hanging over his dark, glossy eyes like curtains. His head is tilted slightly. He looks ridiculously handsome for someone with a puffy, beat-up face. He also looks quite comfortable and very happy to be looking up at Will. It’s difficult to stay mad at him, Will has always struggled with that undeniable fact. All three of the Wheeler siblings have very convincing puppy eyes.
Will doesn’t want to burst his bubble, but he has to, he has too many questions. Will sighs, puts his own arms on the table and leans close, like their sharing secrets.
“Why’d you do it Mike?”
“Hmm? I don’t know what you could possibly mean.”
Mike definitely knows what Will is asking, he’s avoiding the subject.
“Mike.”
Mike is floundering now, trying to find the shredded remains of his exoskeleton and gather them around him. No. Will thinks at him. Please no, I want to help, I promise. It doesn’t matter either way, Will already knows what Mike looks like underneath and he has one foot in the door to stop it from closing. Mike is going to have to face Will at some point, one way or another.
“Please Will, my head hurts, I’m tired can we-”
“Why did you have to say anything? You could have walked away at any point, did you really have to start a fight?” Will can’t help himself, he also can’t help the tinge of frustration that coats his words.
“Will, please.” Mike isn’t looking at him, he seems close to tears, rapidly blinking and chewing his bottom lip.
Will feels slightly guilty, maybe he should wait, let Mike recover a little more.
No, Mike will just keep finding excuses, and Will can’t wait anymore he needs answers. Will is worked up now, he can’t let this one go. He can’t let this slide into the category of things they never talk about that Mike manages to pretend don’t exist entirely.
“Mike, talk to me.” Will reaches out his hand to touch Mike’s lightly.
Mike startles, looks down at their hands in surprise. His brows thorough, he swallows.
“There’s nothing to talk about.” He says, standing and turning away.
“Mike, please.”
Mike ignores him, “Will, I’m tired.” he says, turning away from Will and crossing the room. “I’m going to bed.” He adds before disappearing up the stairs.
Shit.
Will sits in his own misery for a moment. His frustration is palpable and tears prick at his eyes. This is stupid. Will feels so stupid. Mike never changes, he refuses to change. Will has just spent years missing him, calling him nearly every day just to hear the sound of his voice. And Mike, Mike obviously doesn’t care enough to have missed him as well, if he did he would’ve picked up Will’s calls, he would actually put effort into answering the difficult questions.
It’s not fair, Mike is keeping things from Will and it’s not fair. Although, Will is keeping things from Mike too.
That’s it, Will decides, he’s getting answers, and he’s getting them tonight. Mike’s getting answers too, there will be no more lying, no more secrets between the two of them. And if, by the end of it, once Will has poured his heart out if Mike still refuses to open up, if he… hates Will, then so be it. It’s like Robin said, Mike isn’t worth Will’s love if so.
Will makes his way up stairs, takes a deep breath before opening the door to his old bedroom. Like he suspected Mike is inside, he’s sitting on Will’s bed, rummaging through his shelf where he keeps his cassette tapes.
He looks up when Will enters. “Oh, sorry, I was just- it was so quiet in here, and then I saw your cassettes and the tape player and I thought, why not play something? I hope that’s alright.”
“No, that’s fine.” Will says a little cautiously, he doesn’t want to spook Mike again, not before he’s said what he needs to say.
They sit in silence for a little while, nothing but the sounds of MIke rummaging through the box of cassettes hanging between them. Will came up here with a purpose and some new found confidence and motivation, but he’s found, now that he’s here, that he has no idea what to say and that this is going to be a lot more difficult than expected.
“Interesting.” Mike says, looking at a tape that Will can’t quite see.
“What?”
Mike turns to him with a cheeky grin, showing him the cassette. “This one just says Mike,”
Will’s face goes hot. “Uhhh, maybe not that one.”
“Why ever not?”
Will made that cassette sometime after he first moved to New York, when he was missing Mike the most, he must have left it here while he was with his family last summer.
“It’s none of your business.” Will tries to grab the cassette out of Mike's hand but Mike stretches it out so that Will can’t reach.
“Mmm, I don’t know, unless you know any other Mikes that you’re making mixtapes for, then this has my name on it, which means it’s absolutely my business. You don’t know any other Mikes do you?”
Mike seems a little panicked at the last question and the familiar jealousy is amusing. “No, Mike, you’re the only one. Now give it back.”
Will needs to get a little closer, basically climbing onto Mike’s lap and reaching up to touch Mike’s wrist, reaching just a little further… and Mike moves his arms higher, damn.
“You menace, get off me!”
“You’re the menace, give it here!” Will squeals in protest.
“Fine, fine! Let’s make a deal.” Will looks over at Mike in surprise, only realising in that moment how close they really are. Mike is sitting there, one hand raised above his head and Will is draped across him, one hand on Mike’s chest and the other clutching Mike’s wrist. Their faces are barely centimetres apart. This is ridiculous, Will tries not to think about the implications of this position, or the… possibilities. Mike is looking at him intently, serious dark eyes gleaming with mischief. He smiles wryly. “You let me play the cassette, and I’ll answer your questions, truthfully.”
Will hesitates for second, not because he is considering the deal, the deal is a no brainer, at this point he’ll do anything to have an honest conversation with Mike and it’s not like the cassette is that revealing, it’s more the fact that it exists that is embarrassing which Mike already knows about, besides anything that it could reveal will hopefully be revealed by the conversation anyway. No, Will hesitates because he wants to savour this moment as it may be the last like it. Will can feel the brush of Mike’s breath on his face when he talks, it smells like maple syrup and cinnamon.
“Ok,” Will says slowly, softly, taking in as much of every feature of Mike’s face that he can. “Deal.”
Will releases Mike’s wrist from his grip, slides off of Mike as slowly as possible. Committing the feel of his body so close to memory, hoping that soon enough he won’t have to.
Will watches silently as Mike goes over and puts the tape into the cassette player. It makes a satisfying click. Will fidgets nervously, his heart hammering in his chest, anxiety is filling up his windpipe, drowning him in fear and making it hard to breathe.The familiar melody of The Smiths erupt from the speakers, Will can’t tell which one it is yet, they all sound basically the same to him. Mike adjusts the volume so that the song is still audible, but quiet, background sound, it fills the room with ambience.
Mike turns to him, climbs onto the bed, one leg bent, the other trailing off the side, he’s facing the same direction as Will but twists to look at him expectantly. He stares.
Everyday, you must say
So, how do I feel about my life?
“Well?”
Will swallows, trying to collect his thoughts and figure out how to start, where to begin?
Anything is hard to find
When you will not open your eyes
When will you accept yourself?
“Why did you stop picking up my calls?”
Mike takes a moment to answer, the song continues, wrapping them in inescapable truth.
I am sick, and I am dull, and I am plain
How dearly I’d love to get carried away
Oh, but dreams have a knack of just not coming true
“I- it wasn’t because I didn’t care.” Mike fixes Will with an intent look to make sure the statement gets received clearly, looks away. “I did care, I do care, I care so much. And you know, when El… When we thought El was gone, I was trying so hard to keep it all together, for you guys, because you lost her too. But the thing is, it was a lot easier to keep it all together with the party there. And I sort of- I’m not the best person, but I try really hard to be someone good you know? And you, you make that much easier as well. I was my best before you left Hawkins, but then when you weren’t there any more, and everyone else was gone too, I just, I just fell apart, and I was at my worst. I guess what I’m trying to say is that, It’s me, I’m not the same without you. I fall apart when you’re not there, the same thing happened after you got taken, and when you left to go live in Lenora, just ask Max. It was never about El, it wasn’t because I didn’t care, it’s losing you, it… does something to me and I can’t bear it.” Mike stops there, the song keeps playing.
Others conquered love but I ran
I sat in my room, and I drew up a plan
Oh, but plans can fall through, as so often they do.
Will’s brain is running a marathon, it’s all puffed and sweaty and a complete mess already, coherent thoughts are flying out the window.
“So, what you’re saying is that you stopped calling me because you were ashamed of the way you ended up and you didn’t want me to see you like that? Is that why you didn’t call when I was in Lenora too? And why you ignored me when you came to visit?”
Mike finally looks up.
And there’s no one left to blame
“What? No, well yes, but that’s not quite… for the record, I did call why you were in Lenora, everyday, but you never picked up and you never called back so I assumed you didn't want to talk and stopped writing letters too. And that’s not quite the whole truth, I mean it’s part of it, I am ashamed of the way I am, but I didn’t just not want you to see me like that. It’s just, I always ruin things when I am that way, I always say or do something that upsets you and then I try to make it better but the words come out wrong and we have a fight, and I hate when we fight. So I wanted to avoid all that, I wanted you to move on and live the life you deserve while you still thought of me as your best friend. I didn’t want your last memories of our friendship to be of you hating me.”
But I once had a dream , and it never came true
And time is against me now
Time is against me now.
“Mike, what? First off, give me some credit, I could never hate you, you’re my best friend, that won’t change.besides you do realise that every single time you hurt me, it’s not because of something you do or say really, it’s because you push me away or ignore me or stop picking up the goddam phone. Because I think you hate me or don’t want to be my friend anymore. It hurts. Goddammit , Mike, why can’t you understand, I’ve only ever been upset because of your absence, which means it doesn’t matter what kind of person you are, I could never hate you.. I would rather see you at your worst than not see you at all.”
Will feels breathless after his little outburst, it feels like the truth is being squeezed out of him and it’s fucking exhausting.
When will you accept yourself?
Mike is crying now, but he’s smiling too. He laughs, shakes his head. “Hypocrit.”
“What?”
“You should give me some credit too, I would never hate you.” Mike looks at him. “I would never hate you.”
As the next song starts, Will recognises it almost immediately, ‘Losing My Religion’ fills the room as Will starts to cry as well, he takes a deep breath, trying to prepare himself for what he needs to say.
Oh, life, it’s bigger
“Mike… I um,
It’s bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I would go to
The distance in your eyes
“Remember when I told you all my secret? You know that I’m… different.” Will pauses, MIke nods in encouragement, his eyes going wide. ”Well the thing is, I still have a secret, which I never told anyone, but I want to tell you, because I said to you, I looked you in the eyes and said I had a crush on a guy.”
Oh, no I’ve too much
I haven’t said enough
“It’s, well…” Deep breaths, deep breathes William, remember to keep breathing. Will closes his eyes, cringing at the confession dancing on his lips. “It’s you, but I don’t just have a crush on you Mike, I’m in with love you, I always have been, and I tried to tell myself I wasn’t, I tried to get over you, to move on, not because I didn’t want to love you, but because I knew you wouldn’t feel the same. But that’s why it’s different Mike, because I physically couldn’t bring myself to hate you, because you are everything to me.”
Will takes one of those deep breaths, refusing to look at Mike, he needs to get this out before Mike says something and everything is ruined.
Every waking hour
I’m choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
“I understand if you didn’t want to be my friend after that, which is why I never told you, because I need you to stay, because I just need you in general, even if I can only be your friend, because that’s what we are Mike, we’re best friends and that’s all we have ever been and all we ever need to be and I know you probably don’t understand it, but I will be happy as long as we are friends, just as long as you don’t leave.”
Consider this
Consider this, the hint of the century
Will finally looks up, to see what Mike thinks of this. Mike is quiet, he’s looking back at Will, an unreadable expression on his face.
Consider this, the slip
That brought to my knees, failed
What if all these fantasies, come
Flailing around?
Now I’ve said too much
Mike keeps staring, he won’t stop staring, it’s like Will has finally broken him and he’s turned to stone right here in Will's spare room for when he visits his parents.
“Please say something.”
“Sorry, I was, I just didn’t know where to start. I um…”
And this is it, the part where Mike rejects him. The part where Mike leaves for ever and Will’s deepest fears come into fruition. Oh god, oh god., what have I done? Will thinks. He’s braced for the worst, because oh god, Mike is probably disgusted, Mike probably hates him.
Oh no, I’ve said too much.
“I’m such an idiot.” Mike says, which Will really wasn’t expecting Mike to say, because it makes absolutely no fucking sense that Mike is the idiot in this situation. “I should have realised, ages ago, that you felt this way and that I felt the same. But I didn’t, and when I did realise, you were gone, and I thought…” Mike chuckles to himself, “I thought you had moved on, that I had messed things up again.”
Just a dream, dream
Will’s brain stops working momentarily, he barely even hears any of what Mike is saying after ‘I felt the same’. Mike likes him back, Mike feels the same, Mike loves him? Holy shit Mike loves him back! Probably, but Mike at least feels the same right? This isn't a rejection, Mike isn’t calling Will disgusting and refusing to speak to him.
Will can’t fight the all-consuming grin exercising the muscles on his face as the song peters out.
“You like me back?” Will checks, he needs to make sure he isn’t hearing things and that Mike meant what he said in a completely romantic and non-platonic way.
“Well, yes, no, that’s an understatement, I love you Will, more than anything, but” Mike isn’t grinning. Why the fuck isn’t does Mike look so troubled still, what is going on? Maybe there is a rejection afterall. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
The familiar starting beats of ‘boys don’t cry’ plays beyond the gravity of this conversation.
“What? ‘But’ what? What’s going on Mike? Why aren’t you looking at me? What’s wrong?”
Mike does look at him, he has tears in his eyes.
“Shit, I am, so sorry Will.”
I would say I’m sorry
If I thought that it would change your mind
“I’ve been such a terrible person, I’ve hurt you so many times, and I mean I, I am so stupid, I didn’t even know, well maybe I did, but I never realised how much it was hurting you, and how much it was all hurting me as well. And if, if I could go back and change that all now, I mean I would, I would knock some sense into myself. But I can’t and I…”
Mike trails off, seemingly at a loss for words.
I would breakdown at your feet
And beg forgiveness, plead with you
But I know that it’s too late
And now there’s nothing I can do
“Mike… what do you mean? What are you talking about?”
Mike takes a deep breath.
“Will, I am so sorry that you love me, I am so sorry because you don’t deserve me, you don’t deserve everything I’ve done to hurt you. And I would completely understand if you have to move on, and never talk to me again, because I know how terrible it must be to love me. And even though I want this to happen, even though we’re both here and we both want this to happen, I don’t know if it should. All I do is hurt you Will, all I do is ruin things and it’s been so long is this limbo, I just don’t think it would ever end up well for you if we were more than friends, and–”
“Mike stop.” Will interrupts him.
Misjudged your limit
Pushed you too far
Took you for granted
Will’s head spins with the echoes of words repeated. Will grapples with the realisation that Mike’s insecurities may run deeper than Will initially thought. It sometimes baffles Will how someone so cocky and full of himself can think himself worthy of so little love.
“Mike, you can’t decide what’s best for me, that's my decision. And if I’m being completely and brutally honest with you, then yeah, maybe being with you will end up a disastrous pile of garbage, and yeah, maybe it will hurt if it does, but personally, I am willing to take that chance. If there is one thing I have learned in the past few years it’s that I cannot live without you, I fall apart without you Mike. So, if we do go forward with this, and if it does end with us hurting each other even more, even if it tears us apart, at least we’ll be falling apart together, right?”
Boys don’t cry
Boys don’t cry
The last few words of the song fade as the ending beats make their debut, gone almost as soon as they arrived.
The starting chords of a new song begin, Ask by The Smiths haunts the conversation unfolding, making Will giddy with nerves and tongue tied desires.
“Well, I guess, but…”
Will sighs, interrupting for the second time in less than a minute.
Shyness is nice, and shyness can stop you
From doing all the things in life you’d like to
“What do you want Mike?”
“What?”
“Ignoring everything we’ve been through together, everything we’ve both said and done, if this was a clean slate and you could do anything right now, what would you want to do?”
If there’s something you’d like to try
Ask me, I won’t say no, how could I?
“If I could do anything right now…” Mike echoes.
Spending warm summer days indoors
Mike takes a deep breath, meets Will’s gaze. “Absolutely, anything? With no consequences…”
Ask me, ask me, ask me
“Then I would probably kiss you.”
And if it’s not love
Will’s breath hitches, he tries to ignore the drunken clumsiness of his heart. “Is that all?” he asks, breathlessly.
It’s the bomb, the bomb, the bomb
That’ll bring us together
“After, I kissed you, I would hold you to me, I wouldn’t let anyone take you away. I wouldn’t go back to Hawkins, I would go with you to New York, and we could get a shitty apartment together, one with cracks in the walls and a shower that somehow makes us less clean. We would have a double bed and every morning I would wake up and you would be there, and you would have morning classes and I would beg you not to go and spend the day with me instead.”
“And you think that’s not good enough for me? You think I don’t want that too?”
Nature is a language, can’t you read?
Mike goes red in the face, clearly embarrassed. “Do you?”
“Yes Mike, of course I do. But I don’t want to do that with anyone other than you, I don’t think I could ever do that with anyone other than you.”
“But what if I hurt you?”
“Nothing you do could ever hurt me more than your absence Mike.”
Then it’s the bomb that’ll bring us together
They kiss then, to the familiar and comforting sounds of David Bowie’s ‘the prettiest star’. It’s a slow kiss, it’s a celebration of their mutual decades of love for each other. It speaks of sorry, and forgiveness and lazy afternoons at the public pool, and warm touches during movie nights. It’s the experience of closeness beyond interest and relation.
Will wants to sketch that kiss, he can feel the edges of it, can already see the brush strokes, knows the colours and the shapes required to conceptualise the masterpiece of their love.
They talk for another few hours, the rest of the mixtape accompanying them. They relive their memories, sharing new insights and revealing hidden truths. Will now knows a lot of new things about Mike, like that he keeps a binder full of Will’s art under his bed, or that he used to think Will had a crush on Robin and it made him really jealous, or that sometimes, when he forgets to eat, or can’t be bothered making proper food he just grabs whatever he can find and shove it between two pieces of bread, calling it the depression special.
The Cure’s ‘Just Like Heaven’ fills the room with upbeat yearning as Will hesitantly tells Mike about the time he stole a book from the Hawkins primary school library (which was just the corner of the senior’s classroom) on their last day, only because it was called Pyb, an inside joke amongst the party. He also tells Mike that he has about 7 full sketch books at home all filled (mostly) with drawings of Mike, he tells Mike about his sleep-deprived painting escapades too, the, what feels like hundreds of canvases and bits of paper littering his cramped dorm room, all of Mike, painted from hazy memory.
It’s sort of difficult and embarrassing, all this honesty. But the two of them decide that they are going to be honest, no more lies, no more withholding information, they’re going to be honest, even if it kills the two of them.
They don’t kiss again, despite how much they both want to. They’re taking it slow for now, reevaluating the boundaries of their friendship. They’ve never needed to be more than friends in order to love each other before, and they will always be friends, partners and soulmates in all aspects of their relationship, but friends first.
They move forward together, navigating the unknown and the deeply feared.
They’ll build each other up together, fall apart together, and go crazy… together.