Chapter Text
The world hates me.
I was still in the kitchen, talking with Shinsou and Denki, when Shoto walked in. He was talking with a guy I recognized as Ingenium’s little brother. They looked deep into conversation, so they didn't notice me at first, but I noticed them.
“Hey, you good Izuku?” Denki asked, making my attention turn back to them. He was currently putting a piece of french toast into Shinsou’s mouth. “Yeah you look green- well greenier than usual.” Shinsou added, with a slight smirk on his face.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I just remembered I’m starting school in two days.”
“Oh yeah! Today’s Saturday! You're gonna love our classes.” Denki started off, now going into full detail about what we do in each class. But before he could say anything else, someone interrupted.
“Midoriya.”
Fuck. My. Life. Shoto had just spoken to me - like actual words for the first time, like ever. Touya’s brother. My brother. I turned away from Shinsou and Denki. Giving my full attention to the tall boy with red and white hair. He looked a bit like Touya did when I first met him - not exactly the same, but very similar. He even had a burn mark on his left side.
“Yes?” I asked in my best calm voice.
“Hey Shoto!” Denki said in a cheery tone, still behind me eating. ”Did you need something?” I asked, ignoring Denki.
He replied politely,“Yes. I’d like to talk, would you come with me?”
I gulped, “Sure…I’ll, uh, see you both later.” I waved goodbye to the two boys eating. And I gave a small nod to the boy Shoto was talking to before.
Me and Shoto walked in silence. I think we were going up to his room, since we took the elevator up to a new floor. Once we made it to his room, he closed the door and motioned me to sit at his bed. I fiddled nervously with my hands, as we sat in silence. Still.
“So, what did you want to talk about?” I finally asked, looking up at Shoto, who had just sat down next to me.
“Endevor.” He said. His face gave nothing away. It was like he was made of pure ice. His voice and tone was calm and cold.
I was confused. Enji wasn’t really anything to me. I already had someone taking care of me. I already had a father figure. “Uh, what about Enji?” I didn’t need anyone else but Touya.
“How did you know he was your father? I want to know how you met Touya. I want to know more.” He replied with a calm deadpan expression.
“You want to know more about me?”
“Yes.”
“Oh,” was all I could say. Should I even tell him? Did I want to even tell him? “O-okay. I’ve lived in Japan almost my whole life, uh, we moved to America and my mom married a man named Hisashi. I knew Enji was my dad because of some old pictures my mom left of him. And she wrote about him in this book.”
“Where is your family?”
“They, uh, passed away when I was like eleven. They died in a fire.”
He shuffled in his spot, “Oh. Sorry for your loss.”
“It’s fine,” I moved around uncomfortably on the bed. “Um, but I ran away a little after my family’s death, and by luck I found Touya. We bonded and found out we were brothers, so we started to look out for each other.”
“Oh,” was all he said. He looked at me the entire time, like he was waiting for me to continue. “Tell me more.”
“Um, before I moved I was best friends with Kach- Bakugou, and when I moved back to Japan, a couple years later, he and his family showed up at my work. So now they are back in my life too. Then me and Touya got into some trouble with low-grade villains, and now…here I am.” I shrugged with an awkward smile on my face.
“Huh.” Shoto deadpanned. Then he got up and moved to grab something from his closet. He pulled out a Hershey white chocolate bar. He sat back down, a little closer than before, and broke off a piece, putting it in my hands.
“T-thank you.” I said, putting a piece of the chocolate in my mouth.
“Sorry Enji’s our father.” he said, busying himself with the chocolate bar.
“It’s fine…I don't really know him or really care to know him.”
He huffed out some air, “Lucky.”
After I finished my chocolate, I got up, ready to leave this awkward situation. “Um, bye Shoto. It was nice to talk and thanks again for the chocolate.”
“Yes. Bye.” As I got up and walked to the door, he called out to me, “Don’t be a stranger, Izuku.”
I looked back at him and gave him a small genuine smile. It wasn’t my biggest or the brightest. But it was genuine. When I walked out the door, I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding.
“What did IcyHot want?” A voice behind me called out. I jumped a little and quickly turned around.
“Uh, hi Kachaan. He just wanted to talk.” I said, plastering a not-so-genuine smile on my face.
“Yeah, no duh, about what?” He leaned more forward, staring - again - straight into my soul.
“Um, about Enji…” I looked off to the side, not wanting to say anything more.
“Endevor? Why would you guys be talking about him?” he raised an eyebrow, getting even closer.
“Because… cause, he’s important, to me and to Touya…” I replied cryptically. Kachaan stayed silent, and when I looked back up at him, I could tell he was thinking. His eyebrows were creasing in the middle, and he looked like he was solving a puzzle. Then, he solved it. His eyes widened and his face wasn't in his normal scowl.
“Endevor, he’s…yours and Touya’s…?” he asked the question without really asking the question.
“Yeah.” I whispered.
“Oh.” He moved back, not in my space anymore. He was still looking at me, in what looked like disbelief. Then he huffed and walked away, brushing against me, moving towards the elevator. Leaving me alone with my thoughts in that hallway. The world hates me.
I stood there for a minute and finally started walking towards the elevator. On the way down, I thought about how weird the situation was. This was definitely the weirdest day of my life. Once I made it down stairs I moved back into the kitchen, where Shinsou and Denki were still waiting, not eating anymore though. As soon as Denki saw me, he got up from his seat and jumped into my arms. Making me carry him like a baby koala. A heavy fucking koala.
“You're okay!” he yelled out, petting my hair, still in my arms.
“Yeah? Why wouldn't I be?” I chuckled.
“Maybe because when Todoroki asked to talk, you looked like Bambi, and looked at Todoroki as the hunter who shot your mother.” Shinsou said, no longer sitting down and was now right in front of me. “I did not look like Bambi,” I responded. “I was just nervous to talk.”
Shinsou rolled his eyes, “Uh huh.”
“Don’t worry I-zu-ku, we'll take care of you. You’ll be okay.” Denki said ruffling my hair as I pushed him off of me
“Thank you for worrying.” I smiled, “And I am okay.” I mocked Denki’s tone of voice, pushing his hand away from my hair. Denki laughed and Shinsou just groaned.
“You really are like a little green Bambi, y’know that?” Shinsou rolled his eyes in annoyance, walking away to sit on the couch.
“It’s okay I-zu-ku, you're my favorite green baby deer.” Denki laughed, as he took my hand leading me towards the couch.
I’ve always been told I look like a doll. But it was rare that people called me Bambi. There's only been two other people who’ve ever called me that. Touya and Dashi, they used to tell me all the time when I started working at Dashi’s cafe. They always shared a look after they commented on my appearance. Like they shared a secret I didn't know about. Or they knew something I didn’t. Dashi’s been a friend of mine for years. He was the only other person besides Touya to know that my mom died and I ran away from home. It was out of pure kindness that Dashi didn't call the cops or the adoption agency. I liked reading about him in my moms book. He was always there to help out, even when she was being “difficult”. I’ll always thank Dashi for being there. I think he might have even met Touya when he was a baby. When Enji brought him to see my mom for the first time, I am not sure. He doesn't talk about my mom a lot, but when he does feel like opening up, he describes her to be fierce, kind, and good at her job. He says she used to be wild and sometimes a pain. But he says if you got to see that side of her, you were lucky. He said it meant she trusted you. I'll never forget Dashi.
The rest of the day was a quiet blur. I hung out with Shinsou and Denki, and got to meet the other class 2A students. I felt really disconnected from them. It almost felt like today didn't even happen. I tried my best to be polite, it was strange. I’d faked my smile more times than I could count. I guess I never really realized I'd been lonely. I've never had real friends before. The only one I've ever had was Kachaan and that was so long ago. Touya has always been more of a brother than a friend, so he was someone I could rely on. He meant something more to me than just a friend. So talking with people and learning how to like them was a whole new world for me.
“I’m so bored.” I complained, now laying down like a starfish on Shinsou’s bed. It was currently 8:49pm, and I couldn’t fall asleep.
“Yeah, I know the feeling. You sure you don't wanna get high?” Shinsou asked, sitting down on the floor, working on his hero costume.
“Yeah I’m sure. We both need to lay off.” I giggled when Shinsou made a half-assed attempt to hit me with the pillow on his lap.
Denki had fallen asleep two hours ago after taking his meds, so I was left alone with his (almost) boyfriend. Shinsou was cool, just a very tired person. He stays up late and wakes up late. From what I've gathered from the last two days is that Shinsou is an insomniac. He likes anything that will get him high. He also likes to stay busy, even when he’s blasted, he keeps busy. He also has a huge soft spot for Denki. They’ve known each other since they were twelve. No one knows that Shinsou smokes, Only Denki, and now me. And finally sometimes Denki gives Shinsou his sleeping pills, when Denki doesn’t want Shinsou to smoke.
“Ugh,” I groaned, boredom ready to eat me alive.
“Stop your whining, it’s so annoying.”
“You're annoying, and boring.” I got up from the bed, careful not to trip over Shinsou as I made my way to the door. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
“Bye Bambi.” He said, face in his notebook, still working.
In a singsong voice I replied, “Good night!” .
I closed the door and contemplated what I should do. It was night time so there wasn't much. Nights can be so boring. I walked around the halls for a bit, just letting my thoughts run. I somehow made my way to the roof. It was quiet and dark. It was the perfect place. I sat across the door and just let the cold air run through my lungs.
I remember I was on Dashi’s roof one night, I had just worked a late shift and I needed to clean up a mess Touya had made the night before. I was up there alone. I remember standing by the edge and watching all the people pass by. I considered ending it all there. I was tired and it was a time in my life where it all seemed hopeless. Touya had gotten into drugs heavily, five months of non-stop drinking and drugs, mostly to block out the noise. And I was doing badly mentally. I didn’t know what to do with my life. I cried up there for hours, wondering if I would jump. I didn’t. A week later Touya had a huge breakdown. He had come home from Dashi’s and he was blasted. He ran into my arms and cried and begged me to help him. That night he quit. He’s had his ups and downs. He’s never fully clean but he wasn’t how he was before. I don’t know what made him cry like that, but I’ve always been grateful for that day.
Too deep into my thoughts I didn’t hear the roof door open. Nor did I feel the presence of someone walking in front of me.
“You look half dead.” Kachaan spoke, making me jump and let out a ‘eep’ sound.
I held onto my chest and took a breath, “Kachaan! You scared me.” Kachaan rolled his eyes and sat down next to me.
“Yeah, I can see that,” he turned to me and once again I found myself staring into his dark cherry eyes. “What are you doing up, Deku?”
“I couldn’t sleep, so I thought the roof would be a nice place to rest.” I gave him a small smile, and leaned my head against the wall behind me. Kachaan hummed and messed with the green bracelet on his wrist.
“You kept it?”
“What?”
“The bracelet.” I pointed at the bracelet and I swear my heart grew. “I made you that for your birthday, the first one we spent together.”
In an unusual quiet voice he replied, “Oh, yeah I did,” He looked away from me and put the hand that had the bracelet in his pocket. He stayed quiet for a second then turned back to me, “Do you remember that day?”
I chuckled, “How could I forget, your mom hired an All Might lookalike and you got so mad you fought him,” I smiled at the memory, “you kept calling him a ‘fake wannabe who gets paid peanuts’.”
Kachaan scoffed and ran a hand through his blond hair. “Was I fucking wrong? I was so pissed, the hag wouldn’t let me hear the end of it after everyone left.”
“I know, you could practically see her vain exploding. Y’know it was also our first sleepover.”
“Yeah.” Kachaan looked up at the sky and I was left alone in my thoughts again.
We stayed quiet until I couldn’t take it anymore, I needed to know, “Kachaan?”
“Yeah, Deku?”
“Did you find me here on purpose?”
Kachaan looked at me again, and his face said it all. He was so…Kachaan. His face, his cherry eyes. His blond hair. He looked so beautiful. Could you even call a guy that? “Yeah I did, I saw you crawling out of a sleep-freak's room and I saw you come up here.”
I didn’t think he would be honest, but I should’ve expected nothing less, “Oh.”
“What’s the deal with you and him?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, why have you been all buddy buddy with sparkplug and Mr. Insomniac?”
“Oh,” I looked away from him and smiled to myself. “I don’t know…I was really scared to make friends and they were just…there,” I shrugged looking back at Kachaan, still smiling. “Denki reminds me of…well me, and Shinsou is just easy to bug.”
“So now what? Your best friends?”
“Maybe, all I know is that they’re okay.” Kachaan scoffed and looked away from me, he muttered something. “What?” I asked, getting closer to him.
He groaned in annoyance, “I said I was your best friend dipshit.” He looked back at me, his red eyes meeting my green.
“I know, Kachaan,” I said bitterly. Kachaan’s face hardened at my response. “I remember.” I added, my tone softer.
Kachaan turned to face me fully, “Then?” He spit out with his usual scowl.
“Then what? What do you mean Kachaan? I know we were best friends.” I replied with more anger, more frustration, with more. Just more.
“Not fucking ‘were’, we are still friends, Deku.”
Really? Then why does it feel like we aren’t. Why does it feel like you forget me everyday that passes. Why does it feel like you don’t want me around? “I don’t want to talk about this.” I got up from my spot and started walking away.
“Don’t fucking leave, why do you always fucking leave.” He stood up, following me and grabbed my arm to stop me.
“What do you want from me?” I looked at him. I didn’t think I’ve ever noticed his height until now. Before I don’t have to move my neck up to look at him. He’s changed. We both have.
“I don’t want you to leave- fuck, why are you so pissy?”
“Because you're confusing! You're being confusing,” I pulled my arm away from his grasp. “We haven’t had a real conversation in years. Then you say we’re best friends. What world do you freaking live in? You don’t call, you don’t come over, you don’t care!”
“I care a fucking lot! Damit Deku, don’t act like I’m the asshole,” he pointed a finger to my chest, “You are the one who fucking left, stoped talking to me and ran away. Didn't even reach out when you came back.”
“I was a kid, Kachaan. I was scared!”
“Scared?”
I huffed out a breath, “Yes!”
“Of fucking what?!”
“Of you! Of facing you,” My voice cracked. It felt like the words were stuck and someone was forcing them out, “I had no one. He killed them and I saw it happen, I had to live with his family! I had to see them every- everyday after it.” I was crying now, big ugly tears. I couldn't stop them from falling. I could see Kachaan’s face go soft, but I didn’t stop, I couldn’t breathe. No one could stop the word vomit that was spewing out. “I-I couldn’t be there! I couldn’t stay in that house. I couldn’t s-save her and I knew- I knew you would hate me for being weak. I hated myself for being weak! I didn’t reach out and- and am sorry, so sorry, but even when I came back, you distanced yourself. And I don’t blame you but–” I sobbed harder, I rubbed my arm against my eyes. “I needed you and I couldn’t turn to you. I wanted so badly to call you, I needed my best friend and I couldn’t even talk to you. I couldn’t pick up the fucking phone.”
I couldn’t see Kachaan’s face through my tears, but I imagine it was full of pity. I sobbed even harder when Kachaan tried to pull me into his arms. I didn’t want him to hug me, or console me. He was right. I was the asshole. I left and didn’t even call or ask for help. I didn’t save anyone. I couldn’t even save myself.
I fought Kachaan as he held on to my arms. I kept crying for him to let go, but he remained silent, still trying to pull me into him. Finally I let him hold me, sobbing like a baby again, as he held my head with one hand and held my waist with the other. We fell to the ground and I crawled into his lap, my head hiding in his neck. I kept crying and muttering ‘I’m sorry’ over and over like a broken record. We stayed like that for what seemed like forever. Until my voice hurt and I didn’t have any tears left.
“Stop apologizing.” He whispered.
“You're right.” I looked back up at him. “Not about the ‘apologizing' part. The, uh, ‘I should’ve called’ part… I should’ve let you in.”
“No, I… It’s not your fault. You were a kid.” He looked so hurt, so sad. I’ve only ever seen him this sad once, and that’s when I left Japan. It hurt me, I realized. It physically hurt me to see him like this. He wasn’t crying, he wasn’t the one in my arms, but he was hurt. And I could see it in his face.
I wanted to hear how he felt. I needed to know. I wanted to know everything that was going through his mind. “Are we still friends?” My voice hoarse from crying. Kachaan’s face lacked its normal scowl, and was replaced with hurt. I wanted to take that away.
“Do you wanna be friends?” He asked. No, I never wanted to be just your friend. And I think I've always known that. But it was too soon, and would never be reciprocated.
“I don’t want you to hate me.” I whispered. Kachaan’s face softened, just a fraction. But it was all I needed to know we would be okay. That he would be okay. He pulled me again against his shoulder and hugged me tight.
“You're my hero partner, Deku. I could never hate you.”
Hero partners. The Wonder Duo. The name our parents have called us for years. Our friendship wouldn’t be fixed in a day, but it can get better. We will get better. Maybe things could change.
I let myself bask in his presence for a couple more minutes. I didn't want to let go yet, but I knew I needed to. I pulled away slowly and looked into his eyes. If things were different, I would’ve gotten closer and kissed him, but things aren’t different. “I need to go to bed now.”
Kachaan looked at me, his face still soft, “Okay.”
I pulled away fully and got up, walking slowly to the rooftop door. “Goodnight, Kachaan.” I looked over to him, red eyes already staring into my green ones. He was still sitting down, but now he was turned my way.
“Night, nerd.” He looked like he wanted to say more. Kachaan always said what was on his mind, always blunt. But this time he didn’t. Maybe he’s changed. Or maybe he had more to say but didn’t want to push. Whatever it was, he kept to himself.
I closed the door, and I walked back into my room, feeling lighter than before. This was the start. It was a start. Maybe Mitsuki was right. Maybe Kachaan did still care about me. I missed him. I missed the friendship we had. I missed my friend, I missed Kachaan.
“Friendship is love set on fire” – From The Sidelines by Suffocatingspring