Chapter Text
Mathias found himself awake in the middle of the night,next to him his own best friend Federico was cuddled up to him,and he seemed to like it.
But for Mathias,a boy who grew up attending church every sunday,who was in his church choir and enjoyed being and helper for the christian summer camp what he was doing was just wrong.
He's a christian,he shouldn't sin,but with that boy it just felt good. It didn't feel wrong,how could he even think that? Of course it was wrong,the lust in his brain has really got to him. But it never was lust, It was fear,always was fear.
He always felt fear,that feeling devouring him from the inside,that feeling he always felt when he acted "wrong", when he showed love to his friend,the very own person who he has only felt feelings for.
It wasn't the first night he'd found himself awake in,wondering what was wrong with him,why couldn't he like girls,like everyone does. Why couldn't he just live like everyone did,why did fear always consume him,why was he afraid of love? Or maybe he was just afraid of who he loved.
From a young age he knew that loving boys was wrong,that he would go to hell for it,and he just accepted that he would die in sin,he would be burnt by eternal flames for simply being in love. As much as he wanted to love Federico freely he always found himself thinking,was a boy he liked really worth it? Was committing that sin he found so sweet and heart warming really worth it?
Maybe love wasn't the problem,religion was. But that's something he could never think of,why would god lie to him,but why did he also condemn love, something the granted?
Still,he watched his bestfriend sleep peacfully,god,he wished to live like him,to accept who he was. But his mind was also wondering if Federico was even gay? Maybe he seemed to accept himself because there was nothing he had to actually accept, or what if he also liked boys but not him.
He started to feel tears come out of eyes,his throat almost swelling,he couldn't let himself cry,especially with the boy he loved next to him.
After some painful and long minutes where he tried to suffocate his tears he gave up,and just fell asleep with tears rolling out his eyes.
After hours of light and troubled sleep he woke up,his bright blue eyes looking at brown
eyes,Federico woke up before him,but he decided to stay in bed and wait for the boy he yearned for.
They both greeted eachother good morning,and procedeed to grab their clothes
"Um,I'm gonna change in the bathroom" the taller one said, he slept in his house before,so why would he be uncomfortable?
"You've been here before, Fede, is everything okay?" The shorter blue eyed boy asked,with
worry in his voice
"Yeah,yeah don't worry" then he walked to his bathroom where he got changed.
Why was Federico that Irritated,his voice seemed mad,it didn't feel like his usual sweet and caring voice.
He couldn't let his sweet love part,he couldn't let him be sad or angry,he just wanted Federico to be fine.
He was really in love,he cared that deeply, he never cared for somebody else that way.
Why,why did he fall for a guy,god wouldn't allow them to be a thing either way,why was his love only for a guy, couldn't he just be normal?
Then finally, after what felt like forever Federico stepped out the bathroom
"You look...um...fine.?" He said with a shaky voice,but his smile and his blushing skin didn't lie.
God,why was he thinking that, it's his bestfriend after all,and why did he have to say that.
"Um..thanks,I guess?" The boy said back,he seemed to like it,his eyes brightened up too.