Chapter Text
They head into the living room and sit on opposite ends of the couch, facing each other, like they never do. Usually they sit much closer to one another, their shoulders brushing constantly in a way that drives Eddie crazy. Seeing as it’s a more serious conversation, both of them have chosen to sit with some distance between them. Buck’s managing to avoid his eye contact; it’s clear that Buck doesn’t want to be the one who breaks the silence.
So, Eddie does so by asking an obvious question, “So, how are you doing Buck? Anything you want to talk about?”
Eddie decided to start with asking that particular question because based on how Buck responds, it will tell Eddie everything he needs to know. If Buck tries to act like he’s fine then that means it’ll take some work to get Buck to be honest with him but if he says he’s not doing great or something like that then it’ll be a more honest conversation right from the get-go. It’s a helpful gauging question.
Buck has his knees tucked against his chest and his arms over them, and says, “I’m fine and I-I don’t want to talk about it.”
Eddie sighs softly, “Buck.”
He looks at Buck, at how sad and reserved he seems curled up in a ball; how he looks like he’s hurting so much inside. Eddie can’t let him go through this on his own.
“You know you can tell me anything, right?”
Buck nods.
“I’ve got your back through anything. No matter what.”
“I know,” Buck says, fidgeting with the sleeve of his sweater. It’s a soft salmon color and one of Eddie's favorites on Buck. It somehow brings out both the pretty pink of his birthmark and the blue in his eyes. Buck accidentally left it behind during one of their weekly Buckley-Diaz game nights. Eddie’s been looking forward to Buck wearing it again for a while.
“Can I ask you something?” Eddie asks.
“You already did.”
“Ha ha,” Eddie says, without laughter. “Anyways, can I?”
“Yeah, I guess,” Buck says reluctantly.
“Okay,” Eddie agrees. He knows this will probably be a sensitive topic to Buck but… they need to talk about things. Eddie needs to know what’s going on and how he can help. “I’m pretty sure I can guess, but… whose Derek?”
Buck looks shocked, totally caught off guard and just a tiny bit scared. “H-how did you know that? How do you know that name?”
“You were crying it out in your sleep, Buck,” Eddie tries to say as delicately as possible. “You kept saying, ‘I’m Derek, I’m Derek.’”
“Oh,” Buck says, swallowing harshly, Adam's apple bobbing in his throat. “I didn’t know I was doing that. I just remember you waking me up after. Sorry.”
“There’s nothing to apologize for.”
They're quiet for a while, Buck twisting the sleeve of his sweater in his fist, until Eddie gently prods again, “Who’s Derek, Buck?”
Buck sighs tiredly and stares down at his knees. He starts explaining in a dull voice, “He was their son. Earl and Bonnie’s that is.” Buck laughs, humorlessly. “Apparently I looked just like him and… since they couldn’t have him anymore I was the next best option. Kind of like with my parents I guess. A shitty replacement that they never wanted. Worthless once I couldn’t be what they needed.”
Let it be known that Eddie hates Buck’s parents with a burning passion.
But this isn’t about them. It’s about Buck right now.
Eddie tries to keep on topic with Buck’s more recent trauma and asks, “So… they made you pretend to be him?”
“Yeah,” Buck says. He laughs humorlessly. “I woke up in his fucking… pajamas or whatever and she kept calling me Derek and I just wanted to make sure you were okay and I didn’t know where you were and then she left and I looked around and there were bars on every exit and then I tried to pick the lock and then she sho- shocked me-” Buck says, breath coming faster and faster “- and ke- kept shocking me and it hurt s-so bad and I couldn’t- I couldn’t-” Buck starts gasping for air and can’t seem to find any. He starts clawing at his throat, tears dripping down his face. “I can’t breathe- I-I can't breathe,” Buck manages to pant out through his panic.
Eddie quickly moves across the space between them and pulls Buck’s hands away from his neck. “You can, Buck. You can. Come on, just breathe with me. In for four. Hold for four. Out for four,” Eddie says, redirecting Buck’s hands to his own chest where he starts to breathe in and out in the same way he’s encouraging.
Buck starts shakily breathing with him and slowly but surely they manage to get his breath to slow down to normal. Once his panic attack finally recedes Buck collapses against Eddie, his head pressed against Eddie’s shoulder.
Eddie rubs a hand back and forth across Buck’s back, “It’s okay Buck, it’s okay. You’re going to be okay.”
Buck murmurs something incomprehensible.
“What did you say?” Eddie asks, quietly. He keeps rubbing over Buck’s back. “Sorry, I couldn’t hear you.”
“I said, that’s not true,” Buck says, his shoulders tensing under Eddie's palms.
“What do you mean, bud? Of course it’s true,” Eddie says soothingly. “We’re both back at home. Safe and with each other.”
“Not for long,” Buck says, looking up at him sadly. “Soon you’ll be sick of me too and leave me, permanently this time. I’m not good enough anymore- not that I ever was but I at least used to be someone who somehow managed to earn your friendship but now– now I can't- I just can't anymore and now you’re going to leave me like every other person in my life has. Like Maddie did. Like Abby did. Like every other partner I’ve ever had.” Buck cries, “Li-like Bobby did.”
Buck breaks down in sobs, putting his head into his hands and crying. Eddie wraps his arms around him in a tight embrace and strokes a hand through his hair.
Eddie just holds Buck while he cries, tearing up a bit himself at Buck’s anguish. “I’m sorry, Buck. I’m so sorry.”
Once Buck’s sobbing turns into sniffles, Eddie leans into Buck and reaches over, grabbing the tissue box off of the sidetable. He sets it on the couch next to them and pulls a few tissues out, holding them up to Buck, “Here. Blow your nose.”
“Thanks,” Buck says, voice thick with congestion.
Buck blows his nose a few times and tosses the used tissues behind him into the trash. He sniffles softly.
God, Eddie loves him.
He can’t let Buck think he’s going to leave him for one more minute.
“Buck. Listen to me,” Eddie says, holding Buck’s shoulders and attention. “I’m so sorry I left you before but you need to know I’m never going to leave you again. You mean so much to me. I’d do anything for you, just like you’ve done for me. I’m not leaving.”
“You can’t promise that, Eddie,” Buck says, sounding heartbroken. His blue eyes are redrimmed and teary. “Not when you don’t know everything.”
“What don’t I know?” Eddie questions. “I promise whatever it is won’t change anything between us.”
Buck retreats out of Eddie’s arms and says angrily, “Yes. It will.”
“No, it won’t,” Eddie says just as stubbornly.
Buck huffs loudly, frustrated and stands up.
“Just tell me already,” Eddie pleads, still sitting on the coach looking up at Buck now. “I promise that it won’t.”
“You just don’t get it, Eddie. You don’t get it,” Buck says, pacing back and forth gripping his hair.
Eddie is getting increasingly frustrated the longer Buck refuses to tell him this big secret that will supposedly make him leave.
Eddie says, throwing his hands up in exasperation, “Just tell me already, Buck.”
“I can’t fucking be him anymore!” Buck yells, his voice cracking.
The silence of the house feels oppressive after; a heavy weight bearing down on Eddie's shoulders.
Buck continues at a more normal volume, “I can’t be the man that you knew, that you cared about. I’m not- I can’t be that version of Buck anymore. I just... can’t.”
Buck’s hands fall to the side and he slumps, looking defeated.
Eddie walks over to Buck and reaches a hand out, placing it in the space between where Buck’s neck and shoulder meet, and squeezes reassuringly.
“Buck, know what I'm going to say next is the absolute truth,” Eddie says, ducking his head to meet Buck’s eyes. Buck squeezes his eyes shut, bracing himself.
His face inches away from Buck’s, Eddie says, “There is no version of you that I wouldn’t want.”
Buck’s eyes fly open in shock, his pretty mouth dropping open softly in surprise. Buck keeps moving his eyes back and forth between each of Eddie's, trying to see if Eddie’s being serious. Like he just can’t believe that Eddie means it.
Eddie means it more than anything. He loves this man so much.
Eddie decides it's time to be brave and tell Buck more of what he’s really thinking and feeling. “In fact, I want every version of you, in any way I can have you.”
Buck remains frozen, silently staring at Eddie. His mouth still dropped open.
Eddie keeps going, rolling with the momentum, using what might be his only chance to tell Buck these things, “I don’t care if you’re not exactly the same as you were before. I mean, seriously, Buck. You were kidnapped and tortured. Of course you’re not going to be okay.
And yes it’s stereotypical, I know, but it’s okay not to be okay, Buck. All I care about is that you’re you. No matter the version, that’s enough for me.
Whether this version of you is having flashbacks, or nightmares, or is scared to be alone. I don’t care. I’ll love you through it, just like you did with me when I couldn’t handle it anymore and had a breakdown. You were there for me when I needed you and I want to be there for you too.”
Buck is crying silently, tears slipping down his face. He looks so beautiful even like this. Buck whimpers and buries his face in Eddie’s neck. They stand there hugging for a long time.
When they finally pull apart they don’t go far, their arms still wrapped around each other’s waists. Buck’s face is so close, Eddie can’t help but drop his gaze down to his lips before bringing them back up to where Buck’s watching him.
Buck says quietly, a small smile gracing his face for the first time since he walked back through the front door, “You aren’t going to leave me."
Eddie smiles back and says just as quietly, “No, I’m not. Nothing you could ever do could make me leave.”
“Good. Tha-that’s good,” Buck says, laughing nervously. He then says something that makes Eddie’s brain have to reboot for a solid three seconds. “Because I want to be in your life for as long as you’ll have me.”
Eddie stares up into Buck’s eyes, his soul, and says, “I want to have you forever. In every and any way I can have you, I want you.”
Buck’s eyes widen in realization, a light blush starting to overtake his face. He blurts out, “I want that too.”
Their faces are centimeters apart. Eddie can feel Buck exhale against his lips. He wants something else of Buck’s against them. He looks up at Buck and then back down at his mouth, slowly moving closer. He waits for Buck to pull away.
He doesn't.
They meet in the middle.
Their lips touch for a few seconds, just a simple press of mouths, before they both pull back.
It’s the shortest and softest kiss Eddie’s ever had but he thinks he’ll feel it for the rest of his life.
They both go in for more at the same time.
Eddie tilts his head for a better angle, the kiss slow but exploratory. Their mouths slide against each other. Eddie tangles a hand in Buck’s hair and tugs, Buck’s mouth drops open in a surprised moan and Eddie uses that opportunity to dive in with his tongue.
The kiss gets rougher and wetter, their tongues sliding against each other. They break apart to gasp for air. Buck starts kissing and biting along his throat, beneath his ear. Their fronts are completely pressed together, chests, to hips, to thighs. God, that feels good but they need to stop before it starts to get too far.
“Buck, slow down,” Eddie laughs, lightly pulling Buck away by the shoulders.
“No, whyyyy,” Buck whines in discontent.
Buck clings on, nipping a few more times at Eddie’s neck. Eddie half moans-half groans in response but finally succeeds in pushing Buck far enough away so he can look him in the eyes and stop getting so distracted.
Maybe now he’ll be able to concentrate enough to say what he wanted to say.
Eddie says, looking into Buck’s baby blues, “I don’t want to rush this. You matter so much to me. I want to at least take you on a date first.”
“Okay, okay. Fine,” Buck says, and grins sappily at him. “When you put it like that, how can I refuse?”
“Good,” Eddie grins back. “Besides, when we do something for the first time, I’d rather it not be while we’re both injured.”
Buck laughs, “Yeah, that’s probably a good idea.”
Eddie pecks Buck on the lips, one, two, three times. “Now, how about we cuddle on the couch and watch your favorite show, which you can tell me a bunch of interesting facts about, until it’s time to make lunch together?”
Buck just stands there and blinks.
Buck shakes himself out of his stupor and blurts loudly, “I don’t think I’ve heard a better sentence in my entire life.”
Eddie can’t help but laugh again. His cheeks hurt from how hard he’s smiling. He doesn’t remember the last time that’s happened.
__
Later, Buck is tucked up against him on the couch, head on Eddie’s shoulder, arms wrapped around his waist. Eddie’s playing with Buck’s hair, gently combing his hands through it, pulling the curls softly until they recoil back into place. Buck hums happily in contentment between his bouts of exuberant commentary.
Eddie can’t believe he gets to have this.
Have Buck.
Eddie knows they’re not out of the woods yet with Buck’s trauma and recovery, one talk isn’t going to fix everything, he knows that more than anyone. But just knowing he gets to be here to hold and support Buck through it means everything to him.
Any moment with Buck is a moment worth spending, whether it’s a happy moment or a sad one.
He can’t wait to live those moments with Buck for what he hopes is the rest of his life.
Eddie leans down and brushes Buck’s curls to the side. He gently presses his lips to Buck’s birthmark and says softly, “I love you, Buck.”
Buck sighs happily, snuggling closer, “I love you, too Eds.”