Chapter Text
Dear Cheap,
There are so many things I want to say but the first one is I'm sorry.
I'm sorry you had to go through this alone. I'm sorry you didn't have a shoulder to cry on. I'm sorry you thought you didn't deserve a chance. I'm sorry you never heard the simple words "I love you". I'm sorry you went unloved. I'm sorry you left with an empty, broken heart. I'm so sorry.
I should've stayed to ask the little things, like "How was your day?" and "What's the best brand of pickles? and "Do you want to feed the ducks at the lake?"
I should've stayed to listen to you, like"Tell me all about astronomy!" and "Let's go sit on rooftops at midnight and chat!" and "C'mon theres this new cafe at city - let's go!"
And now - I'll sit on the roof tops alone, only accompanied by the "what ifs" of my mind, the outcomes of my decisions and the things I should've said while you were still here to sit on a rooftop with me.
Dear Cheap,
A half-eaten sandwich is still sitting on your kitchen counter, untouched and moldy. The orange pill bottle is still sitting in the corner of your bedroom, empty and with the cap missing. The hedges outside what you called home still swayed in the wind, growing out and tall. Your iconic mic and used monitor still laid on your desk, ready to be put through another round of Minecraft mob hunt. Your boat still sat at the dock beside a still lake, bobbing up and down to the soft rhythm of water.
Everything is waiting for you, like you never really left - just took a break from life. But soon they and we will all realize that you are never coming back. Never going to throw away that rotting sandwich, time the only thing eating away at it. You're never going to close and throw away that empty bottle. The hedges will continue growing, leaves untidy and messy. Your microphone and monitor will collect mountains of dust without ever playing another game again.
One day we will figure out the password to that computer, one day your monitor will light up once again, and one day we will stumble upon your stupid green avatar again.
Dear Cheap,
The day of your funeral I stood outside the doors of the towering hall, not knowing how to walk into a world without you by my side. No one wanted to be there, yet no one could leave without leaving their dignity behind too. Because how could we?
Your friends stood in complete silence while wearing formal, black attire which is weird, because your favorite color was green - not black. No one was talking about who would be seeking the next round of sizehunt, no one was laughing hysterically through their mics and headsets while playing lucky block pillars, no one was calling your name when they'd discovered a sea pickle while playing whatever game we were playing.
Everyone had teary eyes and soft goodbyes to your casket full of flowers, which was weird because your house was stocked with pickles and not white roses. Weird because no one was crying and sad when you had just died from fall damage while trying to make a water bucket clutch.
It's all so weird and I still don't understand - you should've been here laughing with us, you should've been cracking jokes, you should've been pulling elaborate pranks on us like you always do... But you weren't. You didn't do all those things... Because you weren't there to do it anymore.
Dear Cheap,
The day after you took your last breath, the day after your eyes closed for one last time, the day your monitor went black forever, the day after your house was no longer a home, the day after you finally stopped suffering... The day after you took your own life.
The supermarket restocked on your favorite cereal, you can finally stop complaining about how bad plain oats and dried cranberries are. You have gained a thousand more subscribers, they loved your broken loud mic and your stupid green character - I can't break it to them they'll never hear that voice again. Last night the sky was clear and bright, not cloud in sight, you could've seen Gemini from your rooftop.
But you weren't there for any of those things because you were gone, above, at peace, resting on the cloudy rooftops.
Dear Cheap,
In another world, another universe, another timeline, another story, maybe you would still be with us today. Maybe you would still be laughing at and cracking stupid jokes for our friend group. Maybe the blades in your bathroom would not be stained with red paint from your skin. Maybe we would still be able to see your dumb, smiling face with your glasses hung askew.
If anyone was to ask who you were, to us, no one would call you out for anything. No one would call you a traitor, or a bad friend, or any of those things you seemed to be true. We would simply tell everyone you were the loud but hilarious friend with the bad mic and the green glasses, who had a specific liking for pickles - but definitely not cucumbers. The friend with the star piercing, who wore hair clips and held an ever-growing love for astronomy and writing. The friend who was oh-so loud and easily annoyed but could shatter to pieces if held wrong.
You didn't betray us that sorrowful day, you only betrayed us once you twisted open that orange bottle of pills and downed one too many. It was never your fault, only it was once your body fell to the cold floor during mid summer where the sun hung high. We could never blame you, only blame the silence that filled your empty house.
And maybe you did betray us, maybe it was your fault and maybe we do blame you, but we could never ever hate you for being human. So maybe you didn't have to leave us, maybe you didn't have to go to bed forever, maybe, just maybe, if you held on a little longer help would find you. A ray of sunshine would seep through your cloudy day, a star would shine bright through a blurry night sky, but you gave in. You went inside since it was too cloudy, you put down your telescope because nothing was there to see... You. left.
Maybe because it was too hard to stand. It could be since it was too stuffy to breathe. Possibly due to the heavy weights on your shoulders finally crushing you.
And maybe we will meet again, in another timeline we will, and it will go better, you would've felt loved. Our friend group would still be intact and so will your heart. The rooftops would still be the safe haven we shared. Your house would still be filled with laughter and the smell of fresh paper. In another version it would.
But it seems like our story ends here - no more parts, no more chapters, no more sequels.
But just so you know - you were never unlovable - quite the opposite frankly, it was just love never found its way to you through the darkness.
- Walli, Ali, Esta, Creebus & Tucker.