Chapter Text
This entire morning has been hell. James can't stop thinking about having to tell Ryan's parents that he's gay. He's always found comfort in Ryan's family. He and Ryan had met shortly after his dad passed to drug overdose, and he had never known his mom, since she ran out on him when he was three. He was adopted by his aunt shortly after his dad's death, but she was only 22.
She had just gotten out of college, and all of a sudden had to handle the burden of parenthood thrust upon her. He knew, despite being only 10, that his aunt was struggling because of him. Being so young, he had required a comfortable support system, and to no fault of her own, his aunt truly struggled with that.
James had struggled in school and had a lot of anger; he'd get in fights and kept messing up. He had no one... until he met Ryan. Ryan's family was so welcoming, and babysat James while his aunt was working long shifts and focused on her career. Ryan's family helped raise him. He thought of them as his own family sometimes.
Ryan's dad taught him how to play football as an outlet for his anger, and Ryan's mom would help him with his homework, and taught him breathing exercises. Lastly he had Ryan, they made the boy who James loves most in this world, the only reason James can even survive, he has always been there for him. He practically owed his life to these people!
He knew his aunt was supportive of the gays, she would scold him if he ever said anything homophobic. The only issue is that Ryan's parents haven't talked about it, positive or negative. Ryan's dad was a blue collar worker, he has no idea how he's going to react, and his mom could be a little insensitive sometimes.
He can't lose another family, things would go back to how they used to be and the thought alone sent shivers down his spine. The prospect of hurting Ryan's feelings burned more, though. He wants Ryan to be happy but he has no idea how to provide that to someone who's already done so much for him. As if things aren't bad enough, his friends have to go and make things so much worse.
James watches as Ryan walks away from the conversation, as his friends keep making insensitive jokes about him. He knows the comments are getting to the shorter boy, but he has no clue what to do, what to say or do. That’s always been Ryan's strong suit, James struggles with talking about his feelings. If he says anything to his friends, they'll find out about them, which could cause more problems. He's already struggling to come out to his boyfriend’s parents, let alone his friends. He was stuck at a stalemate between his friends and his boyfriend.
“Dude, what’s got his panties in a twist?” The guys all laugh along as one of his “friends”, Alex, continues to mock Ryan. “Unless he’s actually gay! Bro, that is so gross.”
James ignores his comment, as the rest of his friends start gossiping about his boyfriend. He stares at Ryan watching him lay his head down on his desk feeling horrible. It’s his fault Ryan is upset, and he doesn’t know what to do, frozen in place.
His options are, get made fun of by his friends for being gay, or make his boyfriend and best friend upset again. Before he makes a decision, Carrie walks into the classroom, and seemingly comforts Ryan. Well… At least he’s not alone, Carrie’s got it.
Once Kara walks over and the two kiss, the boys surrounding James start hollering and making lewd comments (lead by Alex). This time was too far, he lightly smacks Alex. “Dude! That’s my ex, shut the fuck up!” The guys quickly stop and it leaves James conflicted. He finds it hard to stick up for Ryan, and he feels utterly horrible for it. Stupid feelings. No matter what he does it's the wrong choice.
Just as quickly as class had started it had ended; James never getting the chance to talk to Ryan, the frustration eating away at him as he walks to lunch, the only other block he has with the other boy. As he goes to walk over to Ryan’s table, —per usual— he sees a hand beckoning him over, it’s Alex. God that dude was annoying, he was rude, and homophobic, and just overall a piece of shit.
Shit. Who do I sit with? I can't just stand here like an idiot.
James feels his legs instinctually walk over to Alex’s table with his other “friends”. Now that he’s sat he feels so stupid. He should’ve walked over to Ryan, he would enjoy sitting with Ryan more anyways. His attention then turns to the blonde boy sitting at the table next to his own; relaxing at the sight of his boyfriend, his boyfriend, “god that's still so hard to say” he thinks, before his temporary tranquility is interrupted by someone throwing a crumpled up paper at Ryan.
The paper lightly hits his face, leaving the guys around him to chuckle at Ryan's instinctual flinch. He watches as the smaller boy flattens out the paper, only for his soothing smile to dampen into a somber frown. Watching the other boy's cheery essence melt into the floor, all confidence had pooling on the ground along with it infuriates him. James turns to yell at Alex without a second thought. “What did you do!?”
Alex scoffs, accompanied with a shrug. “What? I was just making a little joke, y’know?”
His teeth grit as he spoke, “What was on the paper, Alex!”
“Why do you care?” Alex’s carefree attitude is not appreciated.
James stands up, raising his voice, “Because you shouldn’t be going around and bothering innocent people for no reason! He didn't do anything! Just leave him alone” His friends stare at him in awe as the words spill out of his mouth, his regular calm aura disintegrating in front of their eyes.
Alex grins as he speaks, unafraid of James. “Chill dude, you’re acting kinda gay!” His friends laugh along, some visibly uncomfortable. James's eyes drift to the short boy sitting a few feet away. His frowned face now replaced with concerned, pitying eyes.
The innocent stare snaps James back into perspective. He quickly sits back down and shuts up, taking a second to regain his composure “yeah whatever, just sorry-” He wants to stand up to them so badly, but their secret was on the line. If his friends figure out they’re together, Ryan would be bullied relentlessly with no way to defend himself. For Ryan’s sake he has to keep it together.
His eyes flick back to Ryan once more, the boy's face is drawn back to the note, the frown etches itself on his face once more. That sight alone only intensifies James's urge to beat the shit out of the prick in front of him who has done this to the boy he loves.
He can't just leave Ryan upset, but he can't do anything without rumor's spreading. He doesn't even care about his “friends” anymore, the only thought in his head was Ryan. If anything were to happen to Ryan, James wouldn't be able to handle the guilt of it all. Staying quiet is probably best at this moment.
The only problem was Ryan's face. It reminds him of the morning after his birthday. The exact same expression that he had caused only a few months previous. Even if he didn't directly cause the expression this time around, he could've done something. He can't hurt Ryan again, he would never forgive himself if he ever causes Ryan the same amount of pain again.
He wants to do something. He needs to do something without accidentally outing himself and Ryan. Especially Ryan. Yeah, everyone has skeletons in their closet, but it's not as easy when his is alive, with feelings, who's also affected by his actions.
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Ryan leaves his last block of the day, the crumpled paper still weighing down his pocket. The words written on it repeat in his mind like a mantra. “How’s it feel to be a dirty fag”. They didn’t even know he was gay. It was all speculation, and yet they were right. He was right. He had figured it out. As he walks out of Riverside, his self pity surrounding his head, James taps his shoulder, suddenly dragging him to a more secluded spot of the entrance.
“Hey… Sorry about what happened at lunch. I shouldn't have-” the short-tempered brunette stops and takes a deep breath, changing his words. “What did Alex write on that paper?”
He fakes a smile, “Nothing important… just some dumb jokes.” tears threaten to spill, as he hopes the taller boy doesn’t notice. I can’t cry in front of him. I’ll look like a pussy.
If he does, he doesn’t say anything, his eyes travelling down to his hand stuffed into his pocket. “Okay, if he says anything, tell me. I’ll- I'll handle it. Like I've always done.”
“Yeah… Okay.” He looks down at his other hand as James gently takes it into his own, rough fingers intertwining with his soft.
James has a pitying look, whispering gently “I love you” before he walks away, gently pulling away. He has to handle this on his own like a man. He doesn’t need James to constantly stand up for him. He can be a man, like James wants him to be. His hand that rests in his pocket gently squeezes the crumpled paper, pulling his hand out of his pocket and staring at the ball that now rests in his hand.
He closes his hand on the paper once again when a voice startles him. “Ready to head back to your house?”
He laughs awkwardly, giving her a gentle nod, forgetting the paper that rests in his palm as they walk to his house. The walk proceeds in silence, broken when Carrie clears her throat. “You should throw that note away.”
He tilts his head in confusion, “What?”
She looks down at the crumpled paper in his fist, “You should throw out the note.”
“Oh… That.” He looks down at the paper.
“Just ignore him. He’s just a douche who feeds off other people's pain. What he says isn’t true.” She gives him a comfortingly warm smile as she wraps her arm around his shoulder.
Ryan smiles and puts the paper back in his pocket. Carrie had been the only one at the table who saw the note. Ryan had to stop her from going over there and punching Alex herself after she read it.
The two walk in silence a while, Carrie's long blonde hair swaying back and forth. This is the first time he's noticed she's wearing it down today, a pink hair clip pushing her bangs to the side. “Why'd you wear your hair down today? You usually put it up in a pony.”
She smiles, “I wanted to try something new! I mostly did my hair like that to fit in with my friends.” She looks down at her feet, rubbing her arm slowly. “Those friends kinda dropped me after I started dating Kara. But it's fine, cause I got you guys!” She lightly jabs Ryan with her elbow leaving him laughing as they walk.
“I had no idea. Why didn't you say anything?”
“Eh, I didn't really like those friends anyways. If they can't accept that I'm not straight, why should I hang out with them.”
“Yeah but won't you get lonely? I mean, like in class. You're younger than us so you won't have many friends in your classes right?”
She smiles and shrugs “I can always make new ones. I don't want to be friends with someone who's going to insult my girlfriend anyways.” She looks up at the sky, a wide grin on her face. “I like the second chance I'm getting. I like that I'm not doing things for other people and I'm making myself happy.” She gently nudges Ryan, who's staring at his feet, her face pitying as he looks up. “Want to share my headphones?”
He smiles and nods, taking the other earbud and putting it in his ear. He enjoys seeing the other side of Carrie, the Carrie that she usually keeps to herself. She's been a lot more open, and herself lately. She's actually happy, and he longs for a similar feeling, but he's not as strong as her, or as social.
He starts paying attention to what’s playing. It's a song by Cavetown, one of their favorites. Despite being off to a rough start, Carrie and Ryan actually had a lot in common. They have the same taste in books, music, movies, TV shows, video games, even the same favorite color. It's a real shocker that James dated her of all girls.
After a long walk he and Carrie get to his house and get into his car to pick up Kara and Xander, who were both going to the mall with him. Ryan gets in the driver's seat, and Carrie gets in the passenger.
“So… I've obviously met Kara, but Xander is new.” Ryan says, looking between Carrie and the road.
Carrie smiles, picking out songs to play on aux. “Oh! Yeah, he's my ex from middle school.” She laughs awkwardly. “We stopped dating when I got popular, and we haven't talked in almost over a year.”
“I didn't know you dated anyone before James.”
She nods “Yeah, middle school was kinda weird for me. He wasn't popular because he was alternative, and pansexual so I dumped him when my friends pushed me to.”
They're now stopped outside of Kara’s house, waiting for the woman. “I want to rebuild the friendship, since I'm done with those people. Him and Kara are friends, so she's planning on helping.”
Kara walks out of her house at that moment. Ryan never really realized how tall she was until this point, her long coily hair reaching her shoulders. She has a unique style, one that's really intriguing. He never sees her out of sweats, and she looks really cool when she dresses up. She's wearing dark gray baggy jeans and a black and white striped long sleeve shirt under a black crop top.
As she steps into the car, she buckles and smiles at both of them. “Watcha talkin’ about?”
Carrie turns to her girlfriend, a wide grin spreading across her lips. “Oh, not much, I was just telling Ryan about Xander.”
“Oh, have you met him, Ryan?” Kara says as she turns to look at Ryan with a warm, welcoming smile.
He starts the car focusing on the road, partially to avoid looking Kara in the eyes. People aren’t his thing. Carrie and him get along just fine, and even though he’s known Kara for a while he still finds it hard to talk to her sometimes. “Uh no, not really.”
She nods, “he’s really cool! I met him last year when we had English together.”
“Well can you tell me anything else about him, so I don't seem like a dumb jock to him?”
They all chuckle and Kara starts with “He likes mostly alternative things. Like punk rock, and he's really into fashion, like he literally helped me pick this outfit out.”
He nods with a smile. “Oh really?”
“Yeah, he's really cool! You'll get along with him, I'm sure you'll find something in common, he gets along with pretty much everyone.” He smiles at the comment, feeling a sense of relief wash over him.
He bounces his foot nervously in anticipation as they pull up to the house, waiting impatiently to try and make a good impression on a new person.
The boy steps out of his house, Ryan getting to see him for the first time. He’s short with layered black hair resting right above his shoulders. He has an almost emo(?) style, wearing black eyeliner, black eyeshadow, and such. Ryan's eyes are drawn to the outfit he's wearing, he's wearing a cropped tank top, and black tights, accompanied with a black hoodie, and choker. He looked so cool, it made Ryan almost envious as he stepped into the car, getting into the backseat along Kara.
He hugs Kara before buckling himself in and waving to Ryan. Seeing him in the flesh allows him to see how small he is. The guy was really short and thin, even more than himself, which came as a shock.
“Hi! Ryan, right? I’m Xander!” He smiles and leans forward to shake his hand.
Ryan awkwardly shakes the smaller boy's hand and nods “Hi.”
Kara and Xander start talking about fashion, while Carrie changes the music to a pop rock song he’s never heard. He focuses on driving to avoid conversing with the newer people.
Carrie turns to him smiling. “What do you want to do at the mall, Ryan?”
He smiles, stuttering a bit. “I’m fine with anything, really.”
She nods and pats his shoulder, “Yeah, but if there's anything you want to do, it's not a problem. I want you to have fun on this trip too.”
He shrugs, “I guess I wouldn’t mind going to the game stop? But not if it’s an inconvenience-”
“Ryan. It’s not an inconvenience to do something you like. You're my friend, and I care about you.” She flashes a warm smile at him that feels infectious as Ryan imitates the gesture. He slowly parks the car in the parking lot as they arrive at the mall.
They walk through the parking lot, Kara, Xander and Carrie getting excited and jumpy, clearly already having fun. Ryan laughs along with the chaos, good feelings filling his mind as he has fun with his new friends.
As they step into the mall, Ryan looks around at the large building. Xander’s eyes light up as he points at the Hot Topic. “Can we please go! Pretty please! I need more band t-shirts!”
Kara smiles, and replies “yesss me too!” as she and Xander start jogging to the store.
Ryan watches the two run off as he feels an arm loop through his. “You okay?” Carrie asks head tilted.
He nods politely as she starts walking with him. They usually walk arm and arm like this whenever they're alone in public places. Carrie's a very physical person to begin with, and it usually keeps creepy guys from hitting on her or cat calling her.
Xander and Kara look at band tees while Carrie and Ryan look at some of the stuffed animals and bags.
“Carrie!” They both turn around to see Xander and Kara waving them over. Shortly after walking over, Xander excitedly shows Carrie a shirt. “Look! They have Destroy Boys shirts!”
Carrie looks at the shirt on display and gasps. “OH MY GOD YESSS! Ryan, have I forced you to listen to Destroy Boys?”
He smiles scratching the back of his neck. “Uh not that I know of, why?”
“I think you'd really like their music! It's soooo good! Xander made me listen to it a few months ago.” She grabs two of the shirts and gives Xander a bill for the cost of her shirt.
Kara pipes in, “Hey, can we go to Spencer's next?”
The Spencer's is so much more intense than the Hot Topic. He turns to Carrie stunned “Do you really like all this stuff? Like other than the band tees, but the style, and makeup and stuff.”
“Nah, it's not really for me, you know me, but Kara just adores it, and she gets so excited about it. It's adorable.” Carrie stares lovingly at Kara, and Ryan stares as well, wishing he could do the same for James. Maybe James wouldn’t mind if I was less manly. If Carrie doesn't with Kara then maybe-
His thoughts are cut off by a tug. “We're going into the Sephora, come on!” He's then dragged by Carrie into the store.
He’s suddenly surrounded by makeup, where the three start looking at some eye-liner and he watches in awe. He wants to try some on out of curiosity. He stares at the makeup absent mindedly, thinking about what he would look like in makeup before his thoughts are dragged back to the paper in his pocket again. The pain refueling as that dumb paper drains his happiness like a leech. He looks away from the makeup and tugs on Carrie's arm.
“Can we please go? Like now?”
Carrie turns around with concern. “What's wrong? Are you okay?”
“I’m just super hungry. That's all.” He lies, he can tell she notices that he's lying but she lets it go as she grabs the others.
At some point they stop for icee’s and eat for a while, Ryan's thoughts numbing as he sucks on the cold slushee.
After leaving the sephora, Kara and Xander head towards a clothing store.
As they walk in, the others look at some clothes before Carrie picks out a shirt. “Oh my God, wouldn't this look great on Ryan!”
Xander pipes in. “Yess! It fits his vibe.”
Carrie smiles, “What do you think Ryan?”
He chuckles looking down at the clothes. “I don't know Carrie, I don't know much about fashion.”
She grins jumping up and down in excitement, “We should totally pick an outfit out for Ryan! So he'll look less basic!”
Kara smiles, “Yeah! Totally!”
The three get to work picking out the rest of the outfit. Eventually they land on a pair of baggy gray jeans with decorative rips at the knees, a black and white striped long sleeve, a random black band-tee, and a pair of combat boots.
He heads to the dressing room to try it on, and when he steps out and looks at the mirror he stares in awe. This is the first time he's felt good about his appearance. A strange amount of joy fills him at the sight. One problem. It's really feminine. The feeling evaporates from his expression at the realization.
“You look so good! Ryan!” Carrie grins, and hugs him. “What do you think?”
“Uh… it's cool but it uh… it just doesn't fit me.” He says, faking an awkward smile.
Carrie's smile drops at his face, eyebrows just slightly furrowed. “What's wrong? Is it too small?”
He responds, maybe a bit too quickly, “No I mean it's just not my style-”
She lowers her voice, “Ryan, are you okay? You seemed so excited to try it on just a couple minutes ago. If it's the cost or something it's really-”
She can read him like a book, and he hates it. He laughs it off, “No, it's just that I- it makes me look-” he sighs trying to explain, as she looks more concerned by the second. “I just don't like it. It's a little too feminine for my tastes.” He finally sputters out.
Her eyebrows furrow, “What? I mean… Okay, if you really don't like it I guess I understand. I just don't get why? You never seemed to have problems with feminine things before.” She huffs, and has an adorable little pout. “Why the sudden change of heart?” She tries to hide her frustration, and confusion, but not well.
The look she's giving him discourages him from lying to her again. “N-no reason, I just feel like being more masculine-” It isn't technically a lie. He's practically sweating bullets. He hates the thought of upsetting Carrie, but it was for the greater good.
She sighs, her hand resting gently on his arm. “Ryan, you've been off all this morning. What's going on? Seriously, you know I won't judge you, I just want to help-” Her expression was earnest
He turns away from her, her hand falling back to her side. God that girl has to be psychic. Fuck. “I’m fine. Really it's nothing. I swear. Let's just buy it.”
The other two walk in, and Carrie hides her concern to avoid alerting the others, as he heads back to change out of the clothes.
Afterwards, they walk out and Ryan's mood shifts from his previous excitement. He tries to hide it the best he can, but Carrie clearly notices.
The group stops at a seating area, four comfortable chairs surrounding a small circular table. Ryan sits down across from Carrie, Xander sitting next to him and Kara sitting next to Carrie.
She looks into his eyes, her eyes questioning a worried look covering her face, almost saying “what's wrong?” Although Ryan can tell she's getting frustrated by him not telling her.
Ryan looks back, his eyes relaxed, trying to say ‘nothing’, wanting to only sooth her worries. She shouldn't have to deal with his crap.
Carrie huffs, and crosses her arms looking away, grabbing Kara's attention.
Kara gently rubs Carrie's shoulder, whispering softly. “You okay?” Ryan can hear it even if he wasn't supposed to be able to.
Carrie doesn't respond, and Kara blurts out “I gotta piss.” She then stands up and takes Carrie's hand leading her away as well. Leaving him and Xander alone.
They sit in silence for a good couple minutes before Xander turns to him. “So how did you and Carrie meet? It seems like you have a deep connection.”
He laughs awkwardly, scratching the back of his neck, “I uh… well her boyfriend cheated on her with me while we were both drunk. She forgave me for some reason, and we've been close ever since.” His heart is pounding in his chest, talking to new people is difficult enough, without having to incriminate yourself in the first conversation.
“Oh. What.” Xander takes another second to process before saying, “Explain. Now.”
He sighs and smiles. “Well, he and I both had issues, I was utterly in love with him, and he was only dating her to avoid his own feelings. He treated her like crap, and I was really jealous. After we slept together, I felt so guilty, like I blamed myself entirely, despite the fact that he kissed me first. It was so obvious to Carrie, and Carrie just crumbled and cheated on him as well. Then she came to my house and comforted me. James and Carrie made up and now we're all pretty close.”
Xander is utterly baffled. “AND YOU'RE BEST FRIENDS NOW? HOW. HOW?”
He laughs, “I know, she should probably hate me…”
The raven haired boy shrugs, “As long as Carrie is happy, that girl is really selfless, huh?”
Ryan scoffs, “I'm shocked you don't think I'm a huge ass.”
He smiles, “My history with Carrie's no sunshine and rainbows. So no shade here.”
The blonde nods, “U-Um what happened? If you don't mind me asking.”
“Carrie and I met in eighth grade and she was like… my only friend?” He fiddles his fingers. “No one really liked me, and she was a nice popular girl. Her friends didn't like me much and she pretty much cut them off for me.”
Ryan nods along, noticing Xander may be a bit anxious as well.
“We started dating, and I was really selfish and jealous. She would make new friends and I was scared she'd leave? I guess. I got really possessive, and cocky. I wanted her to be as lonely as I was, I wanted her to need me as much as I needed her. Eventually I realized how depressed she was, and I couldn't bear hurting her anymore.”
Xander’s eyes are welling up, and Ryan understands that feeling all too well. Seeing another man get emotional like that makes him feel seen almost. He starts to settle in, feeling more himself around this guy.
“I broke it off over text. Told her to get her old friends back, and got help. I started going to therapy and my therapist asked me to text her. Ask her how she's doing. Apologise, explain everything. My therapist told me it's easier to get better after you forgive yourself and that I should make some friends. Carrie was so understanding.” A tear rolls down his cheek and Ryan doesn't know what to say. He nods silently.
They sit in comfortable silence for a few minutes while Xander wipes his tears and fixes his makeup. After a couple seconds Ryan figures Carrie and Kara aren't coming back for a while. Why not make some friendly conversation? He takes a second to muster up the courage to speak.
He then randomly says, “So… what's with the makeup and style and stuff?” His voice comes out unintentionally hostile, and Xander looks shocked and confused. He mentally face palms, the whole thing comes out wrong and he blurts out nervously, “Sorry- I just mean-” he sighs and takes a deep breath collecting his thoughts. “Why do you wear that stuff? I feel like you’d get picked on for it, and it's not really masculine either?” HOW DID IT COME OUT WORSE THAN BEFORE! YOU IDIOT. He thinks before he covers his face with his hands, a warmth spreading to his cheeks due to the embarrassment.”
His shaky voice and nervous demeanor keeps Xander from lashing out at him. He takes a deep breath before responding, “I mean yeah, but I don't care what they think. It's my body, and even if it is a little feminine, I'm still comfortable in my own body. I don't have to conform to gender norms to be a guy.” His voice feels defensive, and Ryan feels bad, knowing how bad the question sounded.
He takes a second to process what Xander said, and his eyes widen, feeling almost empowered from the response. “I've never thought about it that way. Is the bullying bad?” He asks, his voice shaking, trying so hard to not make it worse.
Xander chuckles, “I'm not bullied as often anymore, but if I am it's not because of my makeup. Most people don't care unless they're total douche bags, but our experiences are very different, and I can't reassure you of anything.”
Ryan stutters, the words falling out of his mouth before he can stop them. “I wasn't asking for myself I-I-I’m not interested in stuff like that!”
Xander looks at Ryan quizzically, forming a response to what he has said. Ryan stays silent, not risking making it worse. The tension between them is thick enough, and isn't helped by an ominous presence overwhelming him. Alex.
“Awww the fag, and the tranny hanging out! How fun!” He laughs pointing at Ryan, “I was kidding before, but maybe I was right, you really are gay aren't you!”
The word gay comes out of his mouth like a slur, as if it was a crime. Ryan's eyes widen, freezing immediately, unable to deny it or defend himself, the conversation with Xander already made him anxious, this is a whole other wheelhouse.
He grins, noticing an opportunity to make someone feel miserable. “Are you really gay? Oh my God, you're so disgusting. I mean I already knew about Alexa, but you too? Aww are you guys a couple? How cute.” He laughs, most of his entourage laughing along.
It's all the usual guys, except James. Some of the guys look a little disgusted by Alex, but don't say anything. Just watch as Ryan tries to respond.
His body locks into place. He's paralyzed. All he can think about is what Alex is saying, every word making a critical hit on his self esteem.
Alex fills the silence. “No wonder James got mad, he feels so bad for the little fag! You should stay away from him, you creep, god, you probably want to fuck his butthole, pervert.”
Ryan's feelings swell, anger and sadness fill him. He really is causing problems for James.
…
James wouldn't be dating him if he didn't love him. Alex is just a dick. He can do this. Just stand up to him and he'll leave you alone.
“Nothing? Really? Guess I should tell James about you then, make sure he never talks to you again. Homo trash.”
Ryan only flinches when Alex spits at him. That disgusting thing spit at him. He freezes again not knowing what to do. The spit lands on his leg, and he just stares at the spit in pure shock.
Xander finally stands up, stepping towards Alex, realizing Ryan wasn't going to stand up for himself. “God, what's wrong with you! Were you dropped on your head as a kid, you fucking idiot? He didn't bother you, so what's your problem!?”
Alex lightly shoves Xander, “my problem is that he's disgusting, and that he's changing James. I mean James got mad at us earlier? He's abducting him into that little gay cult of yours. It's disgusting, and why do you care, tranny? What, is being a weird schizo not annoying enough? You have to be a “hero” too?” He uses air quotes as he says hero. God this dude is so fucking stupid. He really has no idea what he's saying.
Xander shoves back harder despite being significantly smaller than him, “Watch your fucking mouth, dickwad. You don't have to be a total jerk all the time!? It's like your only personality trait is a giant prick who no one ever wants to be around! All your friends only ever hang out with you because you're so dumb it's laughable!” Xander’s making wild hand gestures as he rants. “The only other time they actually want to hang out with you is when their life is so shitty they need to remind themselves that they're not you, since your brain is so empty that the only words that come out of your mouth half the time is ‘guys what if I was annoying!? Like I am everyday? Because that's all I know how to be!’ GOD no one likes you so just Shut. The. Fuck. Up!” Xander needs to catch his breath after that.
Xander's eyes stay steady, looking Alex in the eyes as if almost challenging him. Ryan stares in awe at his confidence. This is the first time he realizes how short Xander is, he looks so tiny compared to Alex and yet he doesn't show a slight amount of fear.
The words had spilled out of Xander's mouth so fast that both him and Alex were staring at each other in anger. Xander is huffing as he tries to catch his breath. He's standing unbelievably close to Alex and neither look like they have any intention of moving.
After a few moments Alex doesn't do anything. Knowing Alex he'd start throwing punches, or shove the other boy, but when Ryan looks into his eyes, he sees only pain. Almost sadness, Alex randomly pushes through his friends walking away from the argument. The guys follow shortly after leaving Ryan and Xander just standing there in shock.
He can't focus on anything, not the fact that Alex actually walked away, not the comments towards Xander. His focus is on the insults towards him and James. The words run through Ryan's head over and over. Fag, Gay, Disgusting. Fag. I'm a fag. I'm changing James. I'm ruining James’s life. He stares at the ground hollow mindedly as the words swirl around. They grow and repeat so often that they overwhelm his mind. He can’t hear himself think through the insults. He feels a gentle hand on his back, pulling him out of his trance.
“You okay?” It was Carrie. He takes a deep breath. He doesn't know when they had come back from the bathroom, but Carrie and Kara were standing in front of him now.
Ryan takes a deep breath collecting himself, and pushing the thoughts to the back of his mind. “Fine, just a little startled.” He fakes a smile. This is my burden and my burden alone. Carrie doesn't need to know.
Her face falters, unappreciative of the lies. Her eyes look almost disappointed in him. Kara rests a hand on her shoulder before she can speak, speaking for her. “What happened?” Brown eyes invaded his own.
He tries to speak but the words don't come out. He can't seem to tell Kara that Alex had walked over and said all those things. It made him look weak, and her strong eye contact was only making him feel more like a wimp.
Xander cuts in, “Alex saw us and just started being a homophobic jerk. I diffused the situation, but it was still startling and annoying.”
Carrie pipes up, concern present in her voice, “How did you get him to back off! It's like impossible for us!”
Xander sighs, sitting down again to explain. “I'm trans. I'm a trans man. That's why he called me a tranny, and a schizo, and all that bullshit.” He runs his hands through his hair before continuing. “Our families are pretty close, and I had a crush on him. I wasn't out yet, and um… He and I started dating. I knew as soon as I came out it would all fall apart and I didn't know what to do. One day I got outed to him and he was really hurt. Ever since he's just been a total ass. I don't even know what went wrong. He used to be so sweet, and now he just picks on me relentlessly.”
“He's capable of being NICE?” Carrie says her jaw practically on the floor.”
Xander laughs for the first time since Alex walked over. “Yeah, his parents are pretty homophobic, and they just suck. I'm sure they must've bullied him for dating a trans person and filled his head with total bullshit. It's not an excuse or anything. I guess he doesn't have the heart to hurt me. More than he already has, I mean.” Xander's eyes start to water as he talks about the whole thing.
Ryan doesn't know how to respond and stands up, hugging him tight. “Thanks. For standing up for me. I'm trying to get better at doing it for myself.”
Xander smiles and hugs him back. He hesitates at the last comment but sighs and says, “Sorry for thinking you were a jerk at first.”
“You what?”
He smiles, pulling away “Nothing!”
They leave immediately after, and Ryan drops everyone off, by the time he gets home it's already dark. He quickly eats some leftovers and goes up to his room to sulk.
As he lays down, all the feelings from that whole argument come back to him. He sits in his bed alone mulling over the consequences for standing up to Alex. Specifically the fact that he didn't do anything for himself, making himself an easy target. He's sure Alex will out him to everyone.
Tears fill his eyes at the thought of ruining James's life. If they're seen together James could be outed as well. He cries his eyes out into his pillow, feeling so lost as he cries himself t