Chapter Text
The cyclical structure yearned to be broken, it begged for Will to snap it, change it, but Will was a pussy. It would just be redundant to say something meaningful to have the hard truths discarded and thrown to the side, attempted to be ignored so everything could stay the same.
So as Will ate his breakfast tears streamed down his face, unable to keep them in, the guilt of who he was seeping through his eyes, emotions bleeding through and spilling onto his bland food. Adding salt and sorrow to the tastes on his tongue. The disgust and disappointment in himself bubbled over, he felt dirty and gross. So he washed his hands, washed until they were raw, scrubbing with soap trying to rid himself of his truths, but the way his skin crawled with disease remained.
He wasn't trying to cause himself any pain so when he looked down and viewed the raw red his hands had become he felt ill. What was he doing? He had tried to rid himself of these feelings and in doing so harmed his physical state, his mask that protected him. What a pathetic man he truly was. James didn't love him but why would he when he couldn't mange to love himself.
Shit. A shoot today, his hands an obvious red, something that would be questioned. But he just couldn't do it. His breaths got faster and his heart rate increased as he realised the predicament he faced. He felt light headed, holding onto the side of the sink, white knuckled, the grip stronger then his hold on his sense of self.
---
The shoot had been bearable, Will finding some old concealer to cover his suffering enough to go unnoticed. Concealer, he wished he could cover his heart in it and hide away forever, maybe then he could truly seem somewhat happy but happiness was not something he deserved. Maybe if he was 'normal' but alas he was not, a las, how he wished he could just settle down with a lovely las and be happy, but yet James was not a las.
James. the notification popped up on his screen.
'I wanted to tell you something but please understand this is hard'
His heart raced, shit, he had realised and wanted to push Will away. But didn't he truly deserve it, what kind of man fell for his best friend. Fell so hard he didn't only scrape his knee but his whole consciousness leaving himself to put tiny plasters to cover his wounds. Plasters that didn't stick. They peeled and curled up at the corners exposing the wound in his soul. His soul that begged for another's presence yet was declined time after time, again and again.
Will-'what is it lad'
James-'shit'
'idk how to say this'
'...'
'I think I have feelings for you'
Will-'piss off, you aint funny'
Wills hand shook in rage as he read the message. How unfunny that was. So James had realised and not only that decide to rub it in his face and make fun off him. What the actual Fuck. So he powered his phone off.
He could barley breathe, it felt like his chest was tightening. How had he made it obvious? Did everyone know how grotesque he was? His body ached as he wished for answers that could not be supplied. Laying on his soft mattress his whole body felt rock solid.
Yet he didn't cry. For the first time the pain didn't leak out yet clogged up his whole body. His eyes squeezed tight as he begged for life to go back before this monster loomed over him his disgusting secret. Well not secret anymore. His hearts strongest desire and his head strongest pain. One and the same. But the pain he suffered was as strong as both.
Maybe it was worse then he thought, maybe he was staring at James with love heart eyes. What a loser. What a daft cunt. Life felt so great a few weeks back, even then his heart was claimed by James. But nobody knew and the one person who did refused to acknowledge it. But now there was no choice. His monster was staring him directly in the eyes, yet still he chose to curl up in bed and feel sorry for himself. People had it much worse, but that didn't numb the pain because that only created guilt of how good he had it. But it didn't feel good. It felt like a dagger straight through the gut.
Anger boiled in his stomach as he recalled the message James had sent. Clearly a hoax at his expense. But he might as well laugh at him because he's a pathetic mess. A loser who needs to get his life together. Because who does this. Loves someone so much it hurts until it actually hurts them
The protective window he had been hidden behind shattered and he got stabbed from every directions ,by flying shards, cutting him to shreds and leaving him numb and bleeding
_____
James knew he had fucked up. He told Will and he did not return his feelings. Shit, why did he do it? Because it was eating him from the inside out. Slowly devouring his will to be and exist. To the point he could not take it any longer. So he spoke his truth, what a silly decision that was, he had surely lost a friend. Due to a dumb confession
So he wallowed in his misery. Played the guitar as his shoulders shook. Nobody could tell if tears would fall from his eyes as they were squeezed tight in protest. In protest to letting the tears fall. Because then he had nothing. At least now he could say he took it like a 'man'. Which is rather silly because James has never believed in that kind of thing. But he needed something to turn to.
But normally will was what he turned to. But he had lost that luxury. Deprived himself of his calming presence due to one stupid decision. It would have been nice to at least know when the last time he would feel calmed by Will was, so he could hold it and treasure it in his heart, locked away for him to replay time and time again. Because what hurt most in this whole ordeal, even after Wills harsh words and clear rejection he loved him more then anything. He was still the torch that guided James' life
So James questioned how he would manage to cope in this world on his own, without the person he cared for more than anything by his side. But it was his fault after all. Follow your heart they say but his heart had led him to suffering but he would suffer forever if it meant he could hug will one last time.
Yet he was not so lucky, he would suffer forever and still not get to hug will one last time. Because he understood boundaries and he knew he had crossed one, so a life without Will was one he would face but with an ache in his heart and a stab in his gut. His brain begging him to find him. His eyes calling to see him and stare into his eyes. His hands despairing at not getting to touch his hair.
His whole life he had waited for Will but it seemed for the rest of his existence Will would leave him behind