Chapter Text
Subtle ripples dance across the surface, cool below, warmed by the sun above. Rays break through, stream in sharp beams, distorted by the water, it shifts yet splatters across the pond floor, lighting up rocks and plants, speckled, dappled light.
It’s indescribable. Familiar yet forever forgotten.
Hauntingly, it’s beautiful.
Partner awakes with a start, claws clenched around the bedding beneath them, as they suck in a petty breath. They pick their head up to shake off the feelings that followed them into consciousness, their petals lightly slapping the sides of their face, the excess mucus produced in their stress soaking into the pillows beneath their head, they’ll need to wash everything again. They had a dream… it wasn’t even a bad one, in fact, they would consider it a really nice dream, warm and full of good memories, but still, it left an awful taste that stuck to the back of their throat. Still, it made them feel as if an extra layer of gunk was left on their skin they needed to scrub away.
Everything would need an extra wash, at this point. They force themself to swallow, it goes down with a struggle, but at least it goes down, and they ground themself bit by bit, shaking their head again, hoping the stress gets flung off like the pest it is. It doesn’t work, but, they do feel just a tad bit smaller… not a lot, but enough, just enough, to notice. Their body needed that rest, maybe soon they can be as small as they felt. Soon, they won’t be a big scary monster anymore.
They sigh, and let their head fall limp against the pillow, dragging a claw down the side of their snout… they can only hope for something so pleasant, that this nightmare will finally be over after all this time. Before they can linger on those thoughts, their petal flicks, as they catch an ever quiet sound. They tilt their head to see what it is, looking over the two bodies pressed against their chest, cuddled together yet…
Partner focuses their vision, the dark no bother to them, as they see what exactly the problem was.
Their little Doctor, was awake, still cuddled on top of Player, yet letting out a soft sniveling as they try to hide away in the blankets and their robes. Partner wasn’t the only one having a bad night, it seemed, and unlike them, Doctor hadn’t noticed they weren’t the only one awake. Partner couldn’t see if they were crying or not, gloves pinching onto Player’s robes beneath them, rubbing their face into their chest, while those sad little whimpers slip out of them, struggling to hold it all back.
Partner wouldn’t want to scare them, by speaking too suddenly, or moving without warning. But they can’t leave Doctor to quietly cry to themself in the dark…
Partner tries to be gentle, as they lift their head, in front of Doctor this time, so there’s no mistake of it being simple sleep shifting, and they let out a gurgle, trying to get their attention. Doctor flinches and lets out a squeak, despite how slow they were moving.
“Lo lamento…” They mutter, leaning in closer as their nose twitches to sniff at Doctor’s cheeks, then they press into them, nuzzling the side of their face with the tip of their snout in comfort. “Are you okay?”
Doctor nods, with a sniffle, picking themself back together despite being so close to crying seconds before, they wouldn’t want to bother Partner… ah, they should’ve been more quiet, they were probably the one to wake them up in the first place. They look away, trying to shrink into the blankets and Player’s arms to hide themself. Though there isn’t much further they can go, Partner’s already caught them, and doesn’t buy their little nod.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Why would they want that? They give the larger creature a strange look. It’s not like they can understand them yet… not enough at least, not… not enough for this. They don’t want to drag out an attempt at conversation with slow simple signs, baby talk, only getting more frustrated rather than troubleshooting their problems and fixing them with Partner. So they shake their head and lightly set their hand on their snout, to push them away.
“Florecita…” Partner starts, pressing against Doctor’s palm instead, “if it is keeping you up, you should let it out…” they remember being told that advice once before, that even if no one is there to listen, speaking aloud your problems lightens the burden of it on your mind, it free you just for the night. Even if in the end, the problem is still there, at least you got the rest needed to handle it tomorrow. “I know I can’t understand it, but… it might still make you feel better if you share?” Remember? Sharing isn’t scary.
Doctor can catch the colour of Partner’s eyes, in the dark, they were just that bright it seemed. It reminded them of something, something simple… perhaps stars, sprinkled across their walls in dappled light, or maybe the moon, slipping past the blanket of the dark, promising to be there forever. So, the hacker nods, pulling their hand back, to sign their woes in carefully constructed sentences, too poetic to ever line the pages of a report, yet too simple to ever be a poem.
They felt this before, this quiet empty feeling that sat beneath their ribcage, that feeling of something missing. They felt it long before coming here, but now this missing feeling is… different. Because unlike before, where it’s just out of reach, just can’t quite place their finger on it exactly, of losing something but unable to recall it in the slightest. This time, they knew exactly what they lost, it’s etched into their heart with a name, and a reason. They crave it so deeply, it churns their stomach and swims in their veins.
They miss it— they… they miss her, greatly.
And they wonder, if she misses them too. If she’s worried about how suddenly they were there at night, then gone by morning, with no explanation… just, missing, as suddenly as they woke up here, it’s as if they disappeared there. They almost don’t want her to, miss them that is, not because they don’t think they deserve it— that’s a whole other thing they’d rather not step in for now, —but because they don’t want her to… be worried. To be alone, crying out in hopes for an answer she may never get again. They hope she just thinks they’re safe, that she moves on as quickly as she can… yet they also… they don’t want that at the same time. They hope she remembers them forever, they hope she cries for them every day— selfishly, they hope that when they return, she breaks down and admits how much she missed them after all this time apart.
And they hope— they wish! They… they want her here.
In the quiet, filled by polite kisses, whispered words of Partner and Player. And in the noise, full of laughter, and singing, dancing between two beasts they’ve never known of until now. They can only wish to themself that she was here too, sharing it all with them.
They wish to graze their fingers across her arm again, feel her under their fingertips, make sure she was real. They wish to free her of the burden, helping her take off that heavy shoulder armour, and strip her of those blades, tell her it’s all okay, they’re safe here, together. They wish to feel her breath dance across their skin, her voice fill their ears, her warmth melt into their own. Selfishly, so deeply and utterly selfishly, they think not of returning home sometimes… they think instead— they wish instead, that Rebecca should join them here, in flower fields and warm meals. In forests and calm days, in the quiet unburdened feeling of not needing to be afraid of the FATAL ERROR, or of BUGs, of Mindhacking.
Oh, Rebecca, join them here, instead of making them return home.
Selfishly, so selfishly, they want to hold her… here! With Player and Partner! They want them all! They don’t want to choose, don’t want to decide between them, they want all of them, here with them!! Selfish!! How… how selfish…
Would Rebecca even like Player and Partner? Haha… what a silly question, of course she would. She would learn to care for them, simply because Doctor cares for them. She would give them a chance at the mere suggestion from them. She would adore them, because she adores Doctor, and adores what they do as well.
She would love Player and Partner, simply because Doctor—
Doctor halts, everything freezes up inside them, for half a second, than half a second more, before they continue like nothing happened.
They miss her. They miss their captain, who protects them so fiercely. They miss their friend, who jokes with them often. They miss their Rebecca. An empty feeling in their chest, one that sat with many, but this one had a name, and laid so deeply inside them there was no way for it to heal over, ever. It hurts… it hurts! It hurts and it’ll never heal, and they’ll never move on, and they’ll never forget her. They miss her!! Her touch, her cold hands, her flat voice, her bad jokes, and her beautiful, drift in your head for hours, laugh… they remember these bits and pieces of her, then they remember all of her, and it makes them miss her even more…
They want her here, please, please they beg! They want to hear her calling their moniker, and holding them so tight into her chest, lamenting every reason she missed them. They want her here! Gliding her fingers ever so carefully across Partner’s snout, telling them they’re wonderful. They want her here… dancing with Player in the kitchen, making up tunes to cook dinner to, laughing about how they let the food cook a little too long while they were having fun. They want her here. With them. With all of them.
They want Rebecca.
How selfish, they don’t want to return to her, they want her to come to them. They want to force her to change and adapt into something new, like it was the easiest thing to ask.
How selfish, how idiotic, how awful of them, that they don’t wish to do the one thing they’re supposed to do anymore. Do they want the world to fall to ruin, because of their selfishness? Do they want to be the reason it all goes wrong, simply because they wish to frolic a little longer with strangers? Despite their home sickness, their lack of purpose, now more than ever, they don’t miss it exactly… they don’t want to return they don’t want to go back. They don’t wish to be that cog in the machine, perfectly on schedule, listening to every demand from FORMAT, following everything she says with a smile and nod. How pathetic of them, that they refuse their only reason for existing past childhood, the one thing they’re good for. A worthless child, a broken child, that had no use, and that the adults saw no potential in, FORMAT saved them, showed them what they could do, showed them their purpose, and this is how they repay her? By disappearing and never returning home? For what? For what?? To eat warm meals, and play in flower fields with strangers?! Strangers!!
Are they strangers?
Could Doctor leave them, if given the chance? They must! One day they’ll have to, they need to go back wether they like it or not. They aren’t close enough, it shouldn’t hurt, it wouldn’t hurt at all, not like how it hurts to miss her… to miss FORMAT. They’d absolutely return home if given the chance, they wouldn’t think twice about it!
…Would they?
Has this life really swallowed them whole so effectively that they’d curse off their only purpose? Maybe— maybe not… but, they can admit, it’s nice here. It’s so nice, and it feels so warm… it’s loving in a way they didn’t know they were allowed to have. Ever. And they can… they can admit, they’ll miss Partner and Player gravely, once they return home.
They suppose they aren’t strangers anymore, and acquaintances is much too cold of a descriptive. It’s something more, indescribably more. They know of each other, not everything, not like with Rebecca, but they know things, small things, shared together. Soft spots and favorite foods, personal tastes and sicknesses. They know, shared between them somehow, without knowing how it was figured out in the first place. What they are now, is a question they are simply too afraid to get an answer too. But whatever they are, will hurt once they can’t have it anymore.
They miss it. All of it. Even when some of it is not yet gone.
They stop there, letting out a long shuddering breath as they pull their hands to their chest. They… they guess they do feel just a little bit better after all that.
“You miss someone?”
Doctor jolts, looking up at Partner with wide eyes. Did… did they understand them? But they hadn’t before— and they just said a lot of things… a lot a lot, is that a good thing? They don’t know… maybe it is? Or— or they could take it the wrong way, if there’s a wrong way to take it, maybe it’s bad, maybe they should’ve kept this to themself if they could understand—
“Sorry, that’s about all I caught…” Partner flicks their petals back from the hacker’s shock, mindlessly scratching at their chin as they glance away, “is it not right?”
They blink, then nod slowly. Despite the panic seconds before, they feel more disappointment than they did relief that Partner couldn’t suddenly understand them.
“You miss someone then…” it makes sense, they couldn’t have come from nowhere with no past trailing behind them, Partner wishes they knew who, wishes they could help. “I understand…” what a funny thing to say, after that whole moment. They turn their head to the side, and flick their petals back against their head. “I miss a lot too, it’s such a… it’s a hard feeling to deal with.” They lower their head. “I miss… I miss my size. I know I can turn right back, I should be able to… and yet, yet! You’ve… you’ve never seen me at my smallest, despite how long you’ve been here now.” They check on Doctor, noticing that they’re listening, intently, despite Partner having taken the spotlight yet again. Is… is it what helps them? Or is it just know there’s someone telling them they aren’t alone, that their feelings are shared in some way, is what calms their nerves so easily… perhaps it’s just listening to someone else’s problems that catches their attention so effectively. Either way, they listen, and so, Partner will speak.
“I… I miss my old friends.” What an old wound to pick at, it stung, dully, against their chest, right along the patch of healed over skin, a scar so faded it’s hard to pick out from the rest of their body.
“I miss them a lot more than I like admitting, and I— I don’t want to hate missing them because they weren’t— they weren’t bad or anything they just—!” As they get worked up, they feel Doctor’s hand settle atop theirs, and the eyes on their neck trickle over one by one to the hacker, until their main ones finally find them, through the dark. Poor Doctor, having to lean over Player awkwardly, held firmly in the cloaked critters arms yet so clearly wanting to pull themself closer to Partner, to touch them. So they sigh, deciding to make it easier for them, and relax themself, holding their snout closer to Doctor’s face, speaking lowly. “It’s just… I think it’s hard… to think of all the good memories, without the worst of them sneaking in… and yet I don’t want to dwell on the bad because that’s not— it shouldn’t be all they were to me.”
They trail their claw along their chest, along that old scar. How foolish of them, maybe they simply deserved it, what happened to them, what they did and what followed after. Maybe they should’ve tried harder, to stay in touch, to remind them that they were there, to reach out. Maybe they should’ve— but they didn’t, and now it’s over. Who’s fault was it really? If it were anyone’s at all. “I miss them… despite what they did to me.”
Doctor swallows harshly at those words, terribly, it sits with them too well. They know that feeling, they understand but they don’t want to. They think of her cool fake voice, and remind themself she did everything for them, she didn’t do anything to them. They shouldn’t be feeling that bitter ache, because she didn’t— it wasn’t bad! She didn’t do anything. It was not like what Partner describes. Yet still, they can relate, and they deny they can at all.
Funny, isn’t it? How Partner’s clearest thoughts of good people was the worst of them, depending on who you asked. And how Doctor’s clearest thoughts of a bad person— not person, —was only the kindness she provided, only ever to them. How funny. How odd.
“And I—!” Partner has to clear their throat as they move on, a gurgle in their words, shying away at their own vulnerability, “I miss the water.” They suddenly scoff, laughing without any humour behind it, “oh sweet salts do I miss the water!” They just awoke from a dream about it, after all.
The water? Doctor repeats, which Partner tilts their head at ever so slightly, filing away a new known sign in their head. They’ll learn, bit by bit, Doctor’s language. No known record of it, so they’ll build one themself if they have to.
“The water.” They confirm with a gentle trill, “any of it… the deep endless ocean. The shallows of blueish-green hues, rippling at the winds. The shifting rains pattering down my skin. The waterfall past the rock that looks a bit like a tail.” They tap their chin, trying to collect the memories they had, eyes closing for a moment, “the river that was a moment of reprieve in a journey taken without rest… the lake, just on the outskirts of town.” They hum, “ever shifting, ever changing, ever freeing. The water.” They repeat with finality, “and yet… I don’t go swimming. Despite it being so close.”
Why not? Doctor prods, before trying to reach out and wrap their hands around one of their claws, blinking a few times in quick succession, confused for a moment as they are able to touch their fingers together, wrapped around Partner’s digit. Had they gotten smaller? They suppose that size thing wasn’t entirely metaphorical, how long had that gone unnoticed by them? They just take Partner as they are whenever they see them, never questioning the changes even when they’re probably quite jarring. How silly of them, usually they’re more observant in that manner, right?
“I don’t know…” they answer, fins curling around themself, letting Doctor hold their hand, while trying to be careful about Player below them. “It’d be easy to… the lake is just— it’s just walk away and yet… I just… I always find an excuse to not… go.” They sigh, dragging their other claw down the side of their snout, finding purchase on the bump for a moment as they trace the folds in the bedsheets with their eyes. “I want to… there’s this gentle pull in me asking to go. Never a tug, never a yank, a request, a quiet… question… there’s just something in me, wanting to wade, to swim, to feel the water on my skin again… to dive!” They scratch at one of the eyes on their neck, which flutter closed at their intrusive claw, not that they really noticed that they irritating it. “It’s just so… daunting!”
They huff, lowering their head to flop against the pillows again, only to feel Doctor’s hand squeeze around their digit, making them flick their attention back to the hacker, through the corner of their main eyes. Doctor’s expression is… flat, calculated in a indiscernible way, it sends shiver along all of Partner’s limbs, though they don’t think they meant to scare them.
It felt like… their words were being digested in an oddly specific way, that Doctor was trying to find something within them, staring through them more than they were staring at them. Even when they pick their head back up, they just keep staring, keep searching, like certain choices were laid right in front of them, and they were just deciding which was the correct one, it was freaking them out. Only when Partner brought their face closer, and let out a breath of hot air against their face, did Doctor seem to snap out of it, eyes fluttering closed for a moment. They glanced around the dark room as their expression shifted to confusion, and they squeezed around Partner’s claw again, gently this time, and they repeat that motion a few times, until their shoulders droop and their eyes find their golden ones.
“Sorry Florecita,” Partner gurgles out in a whispered voice, “I didn’t mean to talk over you.” Was that what that was? They didn’t know.
But Doctor shakes their head, they weren’t where they thought they were is all. They want to know! They want to listen… they’ve been forced to listen to problems for years now, in such an unconventional forceful manner, memories pulled out like petals of a flower. Removed until they were changed, and better. Getting to listen by choice this time… getting to hear it without the expectation to remove it? It’s… it’s nice, relieving. They didn’t know they could want to listen like this.
“I just… it feels amazing to be in the water.” Even with this ache beneath their chest, the one that pulls them away from swimming, from enjoying it all, they still remember that it felt… divine. Like they belonged, they completed a puzzle, found that missing piece of themself that clicked into place. A cold clasp against their hearts keeps them from it all, from what that welcome grace they craved. They used to go swimming, a lot more than they do now. They don’t remember the last time they had done so.
All the good, the great, having the background of the hurt they were caused. Even the things they enjoy, ever tainted, ever making them remember something they never want to think about again. Even the water, had a latched on memory of their friends— their ex-friends… old friends? The strangers they know the names of, the laughs of.
The stranger— the friend— ex-friend? The someone, that was in their dream, the one they had moments ago. Of a river, that lead to a pond, of the excitement on his face from discovering it, shouting and hollering after a journey taken without rest. He nearly dove right in, without first taking off the clothes that would certainly drag him down when wet. They think of the laughter from the others, as he stumbled and face-planted into the pond, as he rolled around in the mud banks on the sides, everyone else agreeing this was a good place for a break.
They think of him, holding his hand out to Partner, asking them to join, won’t they?
Two water creatures, doing what they were made for, together… wouldn’t that be so fun?
Partner couldn’t deny him, because truthfully, they wanted this too. The water was cool, rushing, pulling, it was relief, it was what they needed. As they swam and dove deeper, touching the bottom of the pond, looking up to see the light streaming through the water, dappled light across the floor. Across their skin.
They splashed each other, a shared time of play and laughter. And for a moment, one of those rare ones that disappear as soon as they arrive, that were fleeting and you don’t even realize how fleeting until you’re grasping at its tail end for it to not leave you just yet, begging for a little more time, for that moment, they felt as though they belonged.
And now? What did they feel now?
His hand reaching out, only to be gripping the hilt of his blade the next. Because, the good can’t be without the bad, can it? His glare is the clearest it’s ever been. Even when those memories are so far apart, everything leads to the same conclusion, it all ends the same, even if the dream itself didn’t end that way.
Partner shakes their head, petals flicking back as they turn away.
“I… I’ll stop talking about it now.”
Doctor shakes their head again, repeating what Partner said earlier. If it’s keeping you up, it’s best to let it out! They fumble with their hands, trying to find a way to break that down so it’s easier to digest, so Partner can understand. But how would they? And in what way— they go for a short sign, one they know now that Partner knows. The water, the water, keep talking about it, is it not helping? Please don’t stop talking on their account.
“The water?” They cock their head to the side, confused, before shaking their head again, side to side, “…I don’t want to make it about me. I’m supposed to be listening to you after all! I shouldn’t make it seem like you can’t share, Florecita…” they pin their fins flat against their head, offering a empathetic smile that Doctor can’t actually see in the dark.
They shake their head, they don’t feel like that! They don’t… they feel as though they can share, for the first time they want to talk, to speak about everything they felt, to voice their concerns and— and they welcome it! …it’s strange, but, they welcome it. Don’t they?
Partner doesn’t catch it, of course they don’t, so Doctor just sighs, and sets their hands on top of their claws.
“Well…” they start, apologetic that they can’t understand their poor flower fawn still, “even so I… I don’t think I want to talk anymore anyways…” they admit, all talked out after all this, “do you?”
Doctor blinks up at them, and shrugs simply. They… actually felt quite satisfied, just enough that it doesn’t plague them so badly right now, just enough it lets the tiredness finally fill them, where that ache once sat. They wipe their face with their sleeve, and thank Partner, for being here, for listening… and for wanting them. They know they won’t understand all of it just yet, but they still sign it. They still want to thank them.
…Maybe, they can show their gratitude another way? A way they can understand. They reach their hands out suddenly, making Partner flinch back for a moment as they make a grabby motion, flexing their fingers until Partner leans down with curious chitters, letting them take their snout into their hands and pull them closer. Partner can feel Doctor’s tiny breaths on their nose, dancing across their skin, their gloved hands stroke along the bridge of their snout, up and down, as if preparing them.
And then, they press an ever featherlight kiss right on its tip.
Partner freezes, before their petals begin to tremble and rise. Their body growing warm and bubbly, their tentacles curling in on themselves as they let out short squeak.
A kiss? A kiss! A kiss from Doctor! From their Doctor! Oh! Oh wow! Oh my oh dear oh wow!
They’ve been giving Doctor many kisses— and licks, of course— though they never got one in return until now, not that they ever minded, they liked kissing Doctor after all! So this! This was certainly a treat! A sweet treat that they want to savour forevermore! They desperately try to contain themself, as a deep rumbling purr exits their throat, and a giddiness overtakes every other feeling they had before, never mind what they were just thinking about moments before, that’s all been washed away by this! This kiss!
The first kiss Doctor decides to give… for them to have it in the quiet of the night, after shared woes and gentle words. A thank you spilled through lips to skin, ever delicate, fluttery in a way, the sensation drifting across Partner’s snout in warm waves, sparks across their nerves slowly yet surely making them feel hot all over. Partner has to just lay their, eyes wide, petals shaking in utter delight, and a deep rumbling vocalization comparable to thunder, a mix of purrs and gurgles originating from deep inside their chest. They are beyond honoured, and beyond excited that Doctor chose to do that, to kiss them! Flustered? Describing this feeling as simply flustered would be a complete understatement!
They have to lick the drool collecting in their mouth, that’s trying to seep past their lips. They botch several sentences in an attempt to play it cool, and not act like they were bursting at the seams from utter joy at this development! They wouldn’t want to scare Doctor off from doing it again if they so wished, Partner must show they liked it yet also remain calm! …oh Doctor see? You can kiss them again! They aren’t scary! Kiss them as much as you want!!
They choke out a cackle, awkward and stilted, pulling their head away as their petals curl around their head, hiding their face, a deep shade melting into their cheeks. They much resemble an unbloomed flower, with their snout being the little flower stamen breaching past their petals. They slam their claws over their muzzle and bury their face deep into the pillows below them, giggling like a schoolgirl about her crush as they rub their face into the bed. Embarrassment runs deep beneath their burning skin, and they whine pathetically, peaking just barely past their petals and up at Doctor in the corner of their eyes, who leans over, their expression that of amusement, covering their mouth with their glove as they snicker.
In the dark, they can see it, their many golden eyes can catch the pinkness in Doctor’s cheeks, just as flustered over it as they were. Partner shakes their head, and buries their face deeper into the pillows, huffing as their smile stretches across their muzzle. Maybe, if they were cursed, that kiss would’ve lifted it, would have cured them of it all and they’d shrink down, free from the thing that’s plagued them since they were a pup. But… they find they don’t mind one bit this was no curse lifter, in fact, they liked it better, having just been a kiss. No magical shift or change behind it, just a kiss. They enjoy it, because it was simple, and sweet, done with no ulterior motives to cure them, done just because!
Done… because Doctor just liked Partner enough to kiss them. And they wouldn’t ask for any more than that.
“Thank you, Florecita…” they mutter, licking at their lips again with a sigh, “I really liked that.”
Doctor returns that sentiment. A kiss… so scandalous of them, though, it didn’t feel that way, not now. It felt right, and soft… it made them feel okay, warm in the face yet it’s all okay. They hum, and pat Partner’s hand to catch their attention, to get them to look over, so when they do, Doctor can wish them a goodnight, the sign being followed with a large yawn that they hide behind their hand.
“Goodnight, Florecita.” Partner reciprocates, knowing that sign very well by now, leaning over to lick Doctor’s cheek and pull a titter out of them as they brush them away playfully.
Partner watches, as Doctor settles back into their spot atop Player, cuddling into the cloaked critter, who snores cluelessly about what had happened in their sleep. Doctor falls asleep easily this time, their burden having been lifted, just for tonight, just enough to let them rest. Partner relates in that manner, tired sneaking in as they rest their head, feeling lighter than they did moments before, continuing to purr as they look over their two favorite people, cuddled in their bed, pressed against their chest.
How lucky were they, to get to be with them, to have two people that they liked, like them in return. How lucky were they, to have them near, to have them listen, to let them kiss them. How lucky were they, that Doctor and Player were here at all. They curl around them tighter, eyes fluttering shut.
This feeling, this warm enveloping feeling that surrounds all three. It was nice. For just tonight, it was enough.
