Chapter Text
Chuuya wakes up in the morning, sunlight peeking through the curtains, today was a nice day.
Conflicted with his horrible feelings.
He thinks about Yuan, what happened on the roof, the regret and guilt he felt.
Then he thinks about Dazai, about that same roof.
The way he looked at him, god. It stung.
Why was he thinking like this? He shouldn’t be. That’s not allowed. That’s not how it works.
He ran to the bathroom, hunched over the toilet bowl he threw up, again and again.
Retching sobs escaping his body as he trembled like a leaf in the wind.
All he could think of was Yuan. Yuan
Yuan
Yuan
The feeling of her body against his, the way she touched him, the silent pleading in her eyes.
Yuan was an interesting person, she was almost like Dazai, though not as complex.
She had her struggles but she hid them under her perfect makeup and pink hair.
She didn’t want to be pushy, all she wanted was to be noticed, to be seen, to be loved.
She could tell Chuuya didn’t like her but despite that she continued to love bomb him.
She knew it was wrong, however…
It doesn’t matter anymore she got what she wanted.
A lot had happened on that roof top, kissing, cuddling, intimacy.
Chuuya didn’t want to but he forced himself to, Yuan was pushy, extremely pushy. She had always made it clear that she was in charge, as it seemed she’s got her own problems.
Chuuya could always tell but would let her have her way as hi felt she needed it.
He’s not exactly blaming it on her, but he regrets it.
A tight pain coils in his chest, and nausea pools in his gut.
08:30 am
Chuuya begins walking to school, a little later today as he had just thrown his guts up.
He sees Dazai on the way as Dazai is always late to school.
“D-Dazai! Hey!”
He calls out.
To his surprise the brunette puts his headphones on and ignores the strawberry blond.
“Dazai?” Chuuya begins walking towards him.
Dazai tenses up and pauses before he turns around
“Leave me alone.” He demands, obvious pain seeping through the way he tries to remain calm.
The shorter boy stops in his tracks as the taller one continues walking.
“Dammit”
Chuuya mutters to himself.
He walks to school on a different route.
11:46 am
Chuuya sits in his math class, fists clenched tight, heart beating fast.
Dammit Dammit Dammit!
He thinks to himself.
Dazai sits in front of him, looking blankly down at his book. The faraway look in his eyes making the pain worse,
Chuuya stares at that dark wavy hair, those beautiful calloused hands, the way they would run through his ha— no. Stop it.
That’s not normal.
He did the right thing.
At least he thought he did…
Staying with yuan is a good choice…
Right?
As the lesson drags on he can’t help but feel bile rising in his throat.
The feeling of his hands shaking and clenching.
The strawberry blond starts hyperventilating, quiet but noticeable.
“You ok, man?” Junichiro asks.
Chuuya shakes his head, the world becoming foggy and quiet.
He sees Dazai turn around despite himself, panic painting his usually empty expression.
“Chuuya?” He asks, Chuuya doesn’t answer though he can’t.
Black.
He wakes up in the nurses office after who knows how long.
The first thing he registered is the pair of eyes staring at him.
Before immediately flickering away.
“Dazai…?” Chuuya rasps.
The brunette looks away.
“You’re awake, good, I’ll get going now.” He turns to walk away…
“No wait-!” Chuuya exclaims, trying to grab Dazai’s wrist.
He’s too slow.
The brunette looks away for a second pausing, before looking at the groggy, shorter boy
“Boys don’t do that” Dazai mutters, before leaving.
And with that Chuuya is left alone
“Why… why did I say that”
He chokes out, voice cracking.
Dr Yosano notices chuuya crying.
“What’s up kid?” She asks, not looking up from her clipboard.
“I did something stupid… and I-I miss him” the strawberry blond replies. Tears streaming down his face, his chest tightens and feels like he’s gonna pass out all over again.
“I-I was told, *sniff* growing up that boys can’t love boys… but I- I… I don’t know what I feel” he stammers through shaky breaths.
Yosano listens, nodding along.
“Sounds like you hurt him.” A statement that has been playing through Chuuya’s mind these past 3 days.
The strawberry blond tenses
“I know that.” He mutters
“I-I… I just- I wish he was here, in my… in my arms”
He says the words like they’re choking him and in retrospect they kind of are.
He’s never admitted something like that, not about a boy, not about Dazai.
It felt so wrong… but god it felt so, so right.
Yosano sighs
“You’re not gonna get anywhere by just sitting around and sulking Y’know.”
A faint smirk spreads across the strawberry blond’s lips.
“I know that” it comes out in a muttered breath, like he’s restraining himself from saying something regrettable.
After about fourth minutes Chuuya leaves the nurse’s office, heading up to the roof.
He hopes to find some peace and quiet.
The door to the roof swings open and he sees Dazai, sat against the wall, faint tear tracks pattern his annoyingly beautiful face.
The shorter boy pauses before sitting on the other side of the roof…
“Hey” he mumbles, barely above a whisper, though he knows Dazai will catch it.
“Hey” the brunette repeats.
“You look like shit” he tilts his head in that stupidly curious way that makes him look like a puppy.
“Tch, I feel like shit… have you been crying?” He questions, a hint of familiar amusement in his hoarse voice.
Dazai chuckles faintly
“You bet” him mutters.
“C’mere” he pats the spot next to him.
Despite his hurt he can’t help but soften as Chuuya talks to him.
Chuuya stands up and sits next to the brunette… he hesitates before slumping into Dazai’s chest and crying.
“I’m s-sorry… I’m sorry that e-everyone found out and I’m sorry I m-made fun of you.” The strawberry blond chokes out, gripping the taller boys shirt.
Dazai freezes before his hand naturally comes up to card through Chuuya’s hair.
Smiling faintly before starting:
“What you said Chuuya… I understand you were conditioned to think like that, but it still hurt me.” He whispers, a hint of sadness in his quiet voice.
Chuuya nods.
“I know… I know I’m sorry dammit…” he grits his teeth.
“I just… I was t-told it wasn’t normal or right, that it was sinful and something worth being disowned over… I-I don’t wanna be disowned…” the words come out in a choked whisper.
Dazai smiles faintly.
“Are you saying..?” The implication on what he’s about to ask sits heavily in the air.
“…are you saying you… you like boys?” The brunette inquires.
The strawberry blond freezes.
“I… I know that I… I don’t want Yuan.” He mumbles
“—but we… we um we had sex and now I feel like I c-can’t leave her…” the words come out a lot more pathetic than Chuuya usually sounds.
Dazai pauses
“Ah… w-was that when you were on the roof..? After I ran off?”he asks hesitantly.
The strawberry blond nods
“Y-yeah… I-I wanted to but when we did it felt wrong.” He chokes out.
Dazai freezes
“…wrong?” He asks
“—like… like you- like you didn’t want it with her..?”
Chuuya nods
“Y-yeah… she um, she was touching me while we kissed and it- ugh… I felt like I couldn’t say no…” he keeps crying
“I-I just… it’s so hard right now because I… I…” he knows what he wants to say but the words choke him.
He hesitates before looking up at Dazai, eyes red, nose a little runny.
“—I love you, Dazai” he cries, holding the brunette tighter.
Dazai’s breathing stops and he stares down at Chuuya’s tear socked face, cheeks heating up and tears welling in his eyes.
“Ch-Chuuya…” his voice cracks
“You… really?”
The shorter boy nods, clinging onto Dazai’s shirt.
“…y-yeah” he chokes, the words coming out quiet and wet.
Dazai hugs Chuuya tighter.
“You idiot… you damn idiot” he mutters in the strawberry blond hair of the other boy.
Chuuya grips dazai and they cry together, a calm after the storm.