Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Jisung choked on his sip. Marry? Propose? Wedding? His throat hurt a bit but not as much as his heart.

“What?!”

“I know,” Youngdae seemed shy, “it’s only been three months but we clicked so much, so well. I love him so much. Everything is perfect and Minho… he’s one of his kind. I don’t want to lose him by being too careful. You know how unique he is.”

Of course he knew! He hurtfully knew how much of a catch his hyung was. Whether it was in friendship or in love, Minho was the best someone could dream of.

“I… are you sure he will say yes?”

“No but I intend to do the best proposal ever for him, he won’t be able to say no. And that’s why I need your help.”

Yes, his help. In destroying his heart along with his future. But instead of punching Youngdae, he acted as what a best friend would.

“How can I help you?”

Later that day, he cancelled his date night with Minho. He knew, whatever bullshit he would try to convince himself with, he wouldn’t be able to keep a mask on and not let Minho see how sad he was, how brokenhearted he was and how angry at the world he was.

He buried himself, on his couch, under some blankets with his favorite show on screen. He didn’t really watch it but it kept part of his brain from thinking too much. Maybe not the right one because the scene from the morning replayed behind his eyes on loop. How eager Youngdae was for him to say yes. How happy he was when he nodded. He couldn’t voice it out loud, it was more than he was capable of. In a twisted way, he wanted to convince himself that he never really accepted, he didn’t say it. He could have just nodded at someone else in the coffee shop. Right?

How Jisung managed not to burst into tears at the time, he didn’t know. He stood on his chair, listening how Youngdae asked him to help Minho make his luggage and advise him to take a suit with him. A suit! Nothing less. He would propose in a fancy restaurant, so he needed Minho to bring a suit. He needed his help because the idea was already rejected by Minho, as he considered their holiday suit-free. There, Jisung entered and had to convince the very stubborn Minho to pack it, just in case.

‘No I can’t do that’ had been on the edge of going out his mouth.

‘Be the best friend Minho need.’ always stopped him from doing something stupid.

If at least Minho seemed unhappy with Youngdae, he would mercilessly do everything in his power to cut it out. But it wasn’t the case. He always smiled, maybe a little too much for Jisung’s sake, opening each time new breaches in his heart. He wondered if his heart was not full of air now, surrounded by a millions pieces of flesh.

He remembered how he promised to try. Not that he would do it but he would try. It was the best he could do. He wouldn’t get into a fight for Youngdae with Minho.

Would he be able to get in a fight with Minho after the engagement?

A tear, the first one of the day, rolled down his cheek. This engagement would change everything. His dynamic with Minho would never be the same anymore. There wouldn’t be date movie nights anymore. Which fiancé would want his half to sleep in another house… Oh, there wouldn’t be a Minho’s home anymore where Jisung would crash when he needed to be safe or at ease. It would be Minho and Youngdae’s home. Even if Youngdae accepted him now, after the engagement he would certainly put some limits. As Minho would be his. Not Jisung’s anymore. Even if he wasn't his in the first place.

Air couldn’t passed through his sobs. He was lacking of oxygen. He just couldn’t stop crying over everything he would lose in three weeks. So far but so close at the same time.

Would he survive losing Minho?

He wasn’t over his feelings, a year was not enough for him to get rid of them.

Or maybe it would help him like, ripping off a bandage in one go. It would hurt a lot on the moment but, after, it would be okay. Feelings-free.

Through his tears, he laughed. Hysterically. Who was he kidding? Like he could watch them, holding hands, laughing, knowing they would go home together, in their bed, in their home and have a happily ever after.

Like now, it would eat him away, eat his every cells, turning them into moistures, infecting each other, rotting in his body.

It would be the end of him. No hope anymore. No second chance. No what if.

Tears rolled down again. And they weren’t destined to stop for the night.

“You know that I’m only leaving for one week?”

“Yeah I know. But you never know what can happen.”

Like an engagement.

Jisung fell on his side after Minho gently pushed him. They sat on Minho’s floor, folding his clothes in the suitcase. Luckily for Youngdae, his hyung invited him over for an anime night and when he arrived, he found him struggling with his cloth choices. Until then, Minho had rejected his attempts to help him. He was, not so sadly, failing at his task. Until he remembered that Minho would be sad not to have dressed properly for his engagement.

Things got in order. Weirdly, the suit problem was finally not a problem at all, it was basically the first piece of clothes Minho agreed to take. Nice enough to check both Minho and Youngdae’s list.

“Why can’t I just take my dancing clothes. It’s an holiday!”

Jisung hold back a giggle. If it was just for him, Minho would have his way and bring whatever he wanted. But, and Jisung knew why, Youngdae asked Minho to bring nice stuff. Surely he intended to celebrate their engagement with good photos . As Minho wasn’t aware of this, Jisung had to drive him into it without spilling the tea. And it started to grow on his hyung nerves. A lot. Ultimately, Jisung had to stop adding fuel on the already burning fire and try to calm him.

“Maybe he prepared a surprise and you will have to dress nicer than in your dancing pants.”

Minho stopped folding a nice relaxed shirt.

“Jisung-ah, do you know something?”

Luckily, he was also folding a nice short, which was not a sport one, so he could avoid answering looking directly at him.

“No, but if he asked you this, he must have his reasons?”

“To annoy me.”

Jisung laughed at the childish pout Minho did.

“Don’t you want to come with us?” Minho asked suddenly.

Jisung gasped. His eyes widened, looking blankly at his best friend.

“What?”

Minho shrugged. “You know, you could come with us instead of your work thing. It would be fun.”

‘He could be fun to be murdered by your boyfriend for bringing another man on your engagement trip.’

“Yeah, Youngdae hyung would love that.”

“But I would,” Minho whispered.

That stopped Jisung in action.

“Something is wrong?”

Minho shrugged again but remained silent.

“It’s weird,” he finally said. “I’m going on a holiday and you’re going on a corporate retreat with no phone allowed during the day for two weeks. Just talking once a day? It never happened.”

“Hyung, you’ll be having fun with your boyfriend. You won’t think about me.”

“Don’t say that,” Minho growled harshfully.

“We will see each other after just two weeks. You won’t see it passed.”

But Jisung would. Because he lied to Minho.

“So you don’t want to come with me? With us?” He added with a brief but noticeable pause.

“Being a third wheel for one week is not in my year resolutions hyung. Thanks but no.”

“I’ll miss you,” Minho took him in a hug.

‘I doubt that.’ 

“I’ll miss you too.”

They stayed a little bit in each other arms, enjoying the moment. For Jisung, it was the last time Minho would be his. He didn’t want to let him go. But he had.

“When do you leave again?”

“Tomorrow, at 5pm.”

“Do you want me to drop you off at the airport?”

“No thanks. A colleague’s wife will pick me on their way. And you have to finish your own suitcase!”

Minho growled again but let the subject go, much to Jisung’s relief. As he was telling him another lie.

(text message)

>> Jisung: Chan hyung, are you free at 3pm tomorrow?

<< Chan: Yes, why?

>> Jisung: Meet me at this coffee, okay? *location shared*

<< Chan: Why? Something’s wrong? Don’t you have your flight in the afternoon?

>> Jisung: Just for a little chat.

<< Chan: Jisung-ah?

>> Jisung: Please hyung, tomorrow.

<< Chan: Okay.

“Won’t you be late for your flight?” was the first thing Chan hyung asked him when he arrived at their appointment.

“That’s part of the talk I wanted to have with you.” Jisung sighed in response.

“Oh.” Chan sat carefully, all his attention on him, waiting for him to actually talk.

Chan was his sunbae at university and in Chan’s last year, they met and a friendship started. They weren’t employed in the same company but they sometimes had to work together. So their friendship lasted until Chan was included in Jisung’s group friends along Felix, Minho and the new others they gathered along the years. As Chan was also the only hyung for Minho, he knew he had to take him into the confidence of his much needed plan.

“So, will you start talking or will we continue to stare at each other?”

His voice was nice but its tone woke Jisung up.

“I have no flight to take. There is no corporate retreat actually.” Chan’s eyes went wide. “I’m taking the 5pm bus to Daechon Beach.”

“That’s on the coast.”

“Yes.”

“If not for work…?”

“I took two weeks of holiday. More like one week paid, the other unpaid.”

“Why?”

Chan’s voice was full of concern. If Jisung was in another mood, he would feel the warmth of the feeling. But not now. He looked through the window, observing the people getting up and down the buses on the other side of the street. He knew it would be tough to talk but not that much. It was just Chan. His friend. His throat tightened as emotions flooded in.

“Because I need time to myself. I… will give you every info about where I’m staying and I will shut down my phone.”

“No. Wait, let me talk. Go if you need to but don’t shut down your phone. I want to be able to reach out to you. I won’t bother you but I need to know you’re okay.”

But that would mean he would receive Minho’s messages. Which he didn’t want to. Chan was looking at him like he would never take ‘no’ for an answer. Jisung sighed but agreed.

“But you can’t tell the other where I really am then.”

He noticed the shock on Chan’s face. Questions were surely rushing in his head. But, as he was always in control, he chose only one, carefully.

“Even Minho?”

“Especially Minho. Tell him that you heard from me and that I’m fine.”

Chan looked at him, trying to get answers without asking for them. But he didn’t seem to find them on his faces as he finally sighed and talked.

“You know that now you have to tell me what’s going on.”

“Can’t you go with this?”

“I’m your friend and I’m… worried about you. It’s unusual from you. This.” He gestured the table and them.

“I don’t want to bother Minho during his trip.”

“You’re never a bother to him.”

“He’ll be with Youngdae hyung.”

“Youngdae seemed to understand the relation between you two.”

“Youngdae hyung is going to propose.”

“He- Oh.”

Jisung played with the spoon of his coffee unable to maintain his gaze on Chan. Now, his feelings were in the open. He knew he could trust Chan but that didn’t stop his hands from shaking out of fear.

“Since when?”

“Uh?”

“Since when do you love Minho?”

“Last year? Forever?”

Chan’s eyebrows arched as he didn’t understand what he was saying.

“I discovered that I…” He gulped, it was the first time he was saying it out loud. “I loved him last year.” He exhaled with force, a way to bring courage to himself. “But I think it went way back? At university, maybe. Sometimes, I’m wondering if I didn’t fall in love with him since the first time we met.”

“Did you…?”

“No! He… doesn’t love me like that. I just want to stay by his side as his best friend.”

“So why are you lying to him?”

“You know why.” He laughed unhappily.

Because he needed those two weeks to build an armor around his heart to be able to look at an happily engaged Minho. And he wouldn’t be able to do that if he stayed in contact with him.

“Are you sure he will say yes?” Chan asked again.

“Why wouldn’t he? Youngdae is perfect.”

“If you say so…”

“Hyung, we’ve been friends for years, if something would happen between us, don’t you think it would have already happened?”

“Jisung-ah, does Minho know you like guys? Because I certainly didn’t.”

“No one knows, I think.”

“So-”

“All passengers for bus 0325 to Daechon Beach are please to head to the bus station. The bus will leave in ten minutes.”

“Hyung, it’s my bus. Will you help me?”

“I don’t think-”

“Hyung, please.”

“Fine Jisung-ah. I will do what’s necessary for you to have what you want.”

“Promise?”

“Pinky promise.”

The smile Jisung left for Chan was not his usual happy one. It broke Chan’s heart. Because he didn’t notice how far the situation went down, how hurt his dongsaeng was. How true his feelings were.

>> Chan to Felix, Jeongin, Seungmin, Changbin, Hyunjin: If Minho asks you about Jisung, tell him to text me. Don’t ask, I’m handling everything and I’ll let you know.

<< Felix: What happened?

>> Chan: You’ll know on time.

<< Seungmin: I’m texting Minho hyung.

>> Chan: No!

>> Chan: No one is telling Minho about this. For God’s sake. Let Minho leave on his trip. Just tell me if he asks for Jisung.

<< Changbin: Did they fight?

>> Chan: No… oh God, why did I ask for your help?

>> Chan: Seungminie, did you text Minho?

<< Seungmin: No you told me not to.

>> Chan : Good, keep listening to me.

<< Seungmin: Yes dad.

>> Chan: Shut up Seungminie.

The apartment Jisung rented was in front of the ocean and as he stepped in, he was relieved: the real estate ad was not lying. It looked nice and the view also was.

>> Jisung: I just arrived. The apartment is okay. *location shared*

<< Chan: Thanks. How are you?

>> Jisung: Fine. I’ll just go to sleep. ‘Night.

<< Chan: Good night Jisung-ah.

>> Jisung: I arrived. Have a good holiday hyung.

<< Minho: How is the staying? Are you alone in your room? Will you be alright?

>> Jisung: Stop worrying hyung. Just focus on your own trip. I’m a grown adult.

<< Minho: I’ve known you for almost ten years. I have to be worried for you wandering alone in the outside world.

>> Jisung: I’m not alone.

<< Minho: None of us is with you. You are alone.

>> Jisung: Stop it or I’ll stop answering until I got back.

<< Minho: Han Jisung, you better behave or I’ll come make you.

>> Jisung: You can’t. You’ll be at the other side of the country.

>> Jisung: I have to go, I’m starting to lose signal as I get back to my room.

<< Minho: Have fun.

>> Jisung: You too hyung.

It was the beginning of the week he called ‘Desintoxicating from Lee Minho’. He took two weeks because he cut it in three parts. First part would be from now to wednesday and the moment he would get the news of their engagement. He wasn’t expecting much for these days, they would be like the past three weeks: on the edge of breaking, trying to repress his cries, trying not to think about how Youngdae would propose and how Minho would react, trying not to think about what made his relation with Minho so special. Like he had no other subject to worry about, his brain added this one four or five days before his departure. Eating him alive with scenes replaying in his mind, special and dear to him. His brain was sadistic, at the edge of losing this, it showed him everything he was losing. Without forgetting a single bit. Then, starting at the announcement, he would enter the next four days of mourning. It was a very little amount of time but he couldn’t take more. He would allow himself everything: crying, venting his anger, eating unhealthy snacks, spending sleepless nights. He wouldn’t stop himself from anything. That was what he allowed himself to mourn his love for Minho. Because starting on next Monday, first day of week two, the last part of the plan was on: he set up activities he couldn’t cancel to bring him back as the new Han Jisung, feelings-free from Lee Minho. By next Sunday, he would return as only Jisung, Minho’s best friend. The other one would die in this apartment.

He had to succeed. Failure was not an option.

He had one week.

It was doable.

Was it?

As expected, the first two days were spent in a sort of blur. His mind couldn’t focus on anything except his thoughts. He expected it.

But he didn’t expect what happened on wednesday. According to Youngdae’s plan, it was the day he was going to propose. Tonight. Surely during the meal. He didn’t know the details, he didn’t want to ask but that was a good possibility. He calculated, if dinner was at eight and Youngdae was this kind of guy, they would have their dessert around half past nine. This was cliché but that would match the perfect proposal he had in mind, surely. So, around half past nine, Jisung would know. And he could start his mourning phase. Until then, he had to keep going like two days before.

That was when the plan went off track.

He kept lurking at the clock on the wall. First, it was every ten minutes. He lost track of the lyrics he was working on. Even his own feelings were not interesting enough compared to the fucking clock on the wall.

Then, each five-ish minutes. He had to read again what he wrote, then laid one word on the sheet before looking again.

By eleven, he had enough. He put down the clock from the wall. He searched through all the apartment and found a tape to scotch the time on the oven. He unplugged the TV. He went to shutdown his smartphone but his hand didn’t cooperate. Minho would call him to announce the news. As he didn’t answer any of his texts since Sunday, he would directly try to call him. He didn’t block him but, as he didn’t want to see any of his photos or news about their trip, see any of their happiness, he put him in the spam folder of his text messages app. He did the same with everyone except for Chan. So, to know when everything was ended, he had to let it on. And, Chan would want to speak with him. He promised he would answer. So he had to let it on. He had to. He kept telling himself that while looking at the device throughout the day.

This was also the first day when he skipped lunch and dinner. He wasn’t really hungry. He ate snacks along the day, while walking in the apartment. Despite the last two days, he didn’t feel like going out. There was nothing to do when expecting a call and not wanting to break in public.

09:23

That was the time displayed on his phone when the name ‘Minho hyung’ appeared on the screen. What a strange time to lose the love of his life, his soulmate. If he had to choose, he would never choose this one. Maybe something mirroring like 09:09 or 09:11 or 09:22. But 09:23 wasn’t interesting, it was almost boring for such a moment.

The screen went black but less than one second later, he went on again with the same name. There was no need to keep it close now. He put it on full silent mode, after sending a quick text to Chan telling him he would call him the next day, leaving him the only recipient of Minho’s calls, at least until he would have to focus again on his fiancé. The word was so cringe to his taste, even when it was just a thought.

He was alone.

Boom. Boom. Boom.

Jisung jumped almost knocking over the chair he was holding. What was that?

Boom. Boom. Boom.

The door. Someone was banging on the damn door. Not a thief at least. Someone drunk maybe? Jisung decided to stay silent, as it was the safer way to make him go.

Boom. Boom. Boom.

He had to do something. He couldn’t stay eternally with someone drunk enough to keep going all night. Feverishly, his hands shaking too much, he went to the door and opened it lightly. But as soon as he let a ray of light passed outside, the door widened completely almost knocking him if he hadn’t jump back quickly.

“Han Jisung! What do you think you are doing?!”

“Hyung?”

It was impossible. He must be hallucinating. He was hundred of kilometers away. With his fiancé. Not here, looking utterly furious, and it was under estimated. He was breathing heavily. He came in, the floor vibrating under his steps, slammed the door shut before locking it.

“You can’t be here,” Jisung muttered.

“Oh I’m here Han Jisung.” His voice was cold, threatening, it made Jisung shivered. “And you better have a hell good explanation for everything.”

“Everything?”

The look of Minho’s face was scary and hurtful. There was pain drowned in the middle of the anger. Why would Minho be hurt?

“The meaning of this.” He gestured the apartment. “And why you didn’t have answered back to any of my texts. When you were to Chan’s.”

“But you need to go back!”

“I won’t move until I know.”

“But your enga-” He stopped himself, a hand on his mouth, too late to get the words back.

“So you knew…” Minho’s face winced, displaying so much hurt Jisung ever saw on his face. His own heart squizzed at the sight.

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“Blowing up your engagement holiday!”

Anger replaced immediately every other feelings on Minho’s face, with something like resolution. Sometimes, Jisung regretted to know how to read him. At least, he wouldn’t have to wait for it to happen, like he was now, anxiety fired up in him.

“Do you care that much about me getting married?”

Jisung gulped, taking his time to answer. He didn’t want to lie again to Minho, but he couldn’t tell the whole truth. It was his own fault he was in love with him. Not his.

“I care about you being happy.”

“That’s not an answer.”

For the first time since he barged in, Minho took three steps closer to Jisung, preventing the younger one to see anything but Minho. As he needed the physical part to do that. He always saw only Minho.

“Would you be happy if I was getting engaged?”

“If it’s-”

“Don’t. Yes or no.” His voice lowered a bit, grave and dangerous.

“I-”

“Yes or no Jisung-ah. That’s all I want to hear.” He took another step. “And do I have to remind you I hate lies?”

Of course, he didn’t need a reminder. He knew it very well, relationship were ended because of that. But was he really brave enough to answer honestly?

Minho’s gaze on him was overwhelming, he felt too much seen when what he only wanted was to hide and be alone. He couldn’t answer while standing in front of him. He took a step back, then another. The couch was not far, he could just-

“Don’t you dare run away from me.” Minho hissed, grabbing his wrist with enough force to pull him back.

“You’re hurting me.” Jisung winced.

“Don’t try me.” Minho whispered low but it still felt sharp.

“Hyung, I just, just need some space to answer, to think.” He sighed. “Please.”

Minho let go of his hand and Jisung quickly stepped back and sat on the couch. But that didn’t sit well, he was too much steady, not enough moving. So he got up again and started pacing. He was conscious of Minho not losing sight of him, scrutinizing every move. It didn’t help, not even a little.

“I-”.

“No. Yes or no. We can talk after.”

Jisung took a deep breath, opened his mouth but no sound came out. He knew if he looked back at Minho, impatience and concerned would be written all over his face. Was he ready to tell the truth out loud to the recipient of his feelings? No. But did he have another choice? He took a look through his eyelashes toward his hyung who, for once, was dancing on his feet. Was he nervous? Why? He had no reason to. Questions vanished when his eyes fell on Minho’s. Softness, concerned, comfort, love. Even now, even after Jisung messed up everything, Minho was still loving him. Even if it was only friendship, he still cared and loved him. Knowing and seeing that switched something in him. Maybe… maybe confessing wouldn’t be that bad. Maybe Minho wouldn’t cut him off. Maybe Minho wouldn’t act differently with him. Maybe Minho would even help him and still be his best friend. Before, he never considered this path, he always dismissed it by stating it was an unreachable dream. So, for once, the courage that always slipped through his fingers stayed and was shaped as a ball he could squizzed, if he needed, to drive away all want of hiding and running away.

He turned around, facing Minho who stilled at his move. He needed the comfort his look, of his eyes, of his nervousness to brace himself. Virtually, he pressed again his ball of courage, opened his mouth and said:

“No.”

In front of him Minho relaxed. Relaxed? Jisung saw how his shoulders lowered, how he let out a short breath and eased his hands. But what stuck the most Jisung was the relief painted on his figures. What was that?

“Okay.” Minho passed one hand on his face before moving.

Jisung watched him sat on the kitchen table, putting his hands on one of his knees. His nervous quirk. He raised his gaze to find Jisung’s and smiled a little.

“I broke up with Youngdae.”

“What?!” Jisung must have heard wrong.

“He rather preferred me ignoring you disappearing on me and continue with his shitty plan than being concerned about your well-being.”

“But-”

“I would never marry someone who could discard so easily your well-being Jisung-ah.”

“He organized ev-”

“Didn’t you say you didn’t want me to marry him?”

Jisung nodded reluctantly.

“And who said I would have said yes?”

“You-” Jisung stopped by himself.

Minho was looking directly at him, an eyebrow raised at him waiting for an explanation.

In every outcome he foresaw for the proposal, he never considered Minho saying no, because why would he? Youngdae was the man he was dating and was happy with?

“Why wouldn’t you?”

This time, it was Minho who broke their gaze and focused on his own hands. Then he laughed. Not because he was happy and it was funny. Jisung recognized it because he also used it a lot lately. The last time was with Chan when he told him the truth. So he knew what it was. But he didn’t know why he laughed so bitterly.

Minho cleared his throat, he wetted his lips, a sad smile on it.

“Why would I marry someone I don’t love?”

He then raised again his head, eyes locking on Jisung’s. Honesty, pure and raw honesty. And vulnerability. Saying something he kept from Jisung all this time.

“But…” Jisung was at lost of words.

“What? When did I say that I loved him?”

Never, but he never talked to him about this matter. That’s what Jisung finally said.

“You never told me about you being in love with your precedent boyfriends neither.”

Jisung noticed how Minho had a hard time gulping.

“Maybe because I never loved any of them?”

“What?”

“You’ve heard me.”

Jisung searched for any joke on Minho’s face, any trace of him messing with him. He was dead serious. He knew he could rely on his knowledge when it came to reading his hyung.

Minho never loved any of his boyfriends. None.

“Not one of them?”

The older one shaked his head, a little bit cautious about Jisung’s reaction.

“But you asked me about first love and being able to love again. So you have loved one of them!” Jisung accused.

What Minho was saying was completely inconsistent with Jisung’s knowledge.

Here was again the weird laugh, mix of sadness and incredulity.

“Who said I dated my first love?”

Jisung opened his mouth, then closed it. He opened it again but still didn’t know what to say.

Every single thing he knew about Minho stumbled into pieces. Every thought, deduction he managed to gather was garbage.

Tears filled in his eyes. This was too much. He couldn’t keep up with everything, his brain was analyzing all over every bit of information he ever got. It would end nowhere, he was tired, lacking of sleep, he didn’t have enough energy to do it correctly.

But one question kept rising.

“Who was your first love?”

Minho smiled, like he was waiting for this but shaked his head in the same time.

“I promise I’ll answer but… you have to answer my questions first. Please?”

“Why?”

“What do you mean?”

“I answered your first question. Then I asked you something but you don’t want to answer and I have to answer new questions? That’s so unfair!”

Minho’s blank face would be hilarious if Jisung was not so stressed. Everything was out of control and he was focusing on modalities, equity.

“I answered to your question. The previous one.” Minho added the last part quickly, before Jisung could contradict him. “About me being in love with my exes.”

Minho raised his eyebrow, defying him to say something.

“But…” But Jisung hadn’t any counterpart to offer.

He sighed defeated. Minho’s smile faltered. Why? He got what he wanted!

“What about we play a game? One question each?” Minho offered finally.

“You don’t have to.”

“No but I want to.”

Jisung noticed how Minho closed tightly his lips, like he wanted to add something but stopped himself from doing it. He didn’t act on him and weaved at him to start.

“How are you?”

Minho’s question surprised Jisung. He expected a direct one about the lies, the place, everything but this. He could see the real concern on his hyung’s face, nevermind their bicker, his well-being was his priority. How could be stop loving him when he acted like that? Yes, that was why he intended to hide for two weeks and try to achieve this impossible task. This plan was now completely aborted.

“I don’t know.” As Minho’s eyes widened, he quickly added, “Everything is too much. I don’t really know what I am really feeling.”

The older one nodded to Jisung’s relief. If someone could understand him, it was this man.

“Then, can I switch my question?”

“Only one question hyung.” He muttered, perplexed.

“But you can’t answer it. I promise, I just want to reformulate it.”

Jisung looked at the open face in front of him. No malicious trait, as he knew he would find none. Why delaying when he knew he would accept it anyway? He just didn’t want to be that weak. At least not appearing as such.

“Go ahead.”

“Are you happy that I am here?”

“Yes.”

There was no time to think, Jisung was always happy to see him, even when it hurt him in the same time.

“My turn.” Minho nodded. “Why are you here?”

“Because I was worried. You stopped answering my texts. Without telling me why. I was worried, I don’t care that you didn’t text back the others but why me? I’m your best friend. And you texted Chan. Why him but not me?”

Jisung’s stomach twisted at the direct question. He couldn’t confess. He never intended to. His feelings were meant to be kept in the depth of his heart, not in the sun’s light.

“I’m using the same joker you used. I’ll answer later.” His voice was shaky but Minho didn’t push him. He just agreed to it and gestured for him to shoot his next question. He could ask anything but his mind was blank of any question.

“Why…” He stopped as nothing came up.

“You can ask me anything Jisung-ah.” Minho’s gentle voice were bad for his concentration.

“Why did it bother you that I didn’t answer you? I told Chan to let you know I was fine.”

Minho got up and turned around the kitchen table, playing with his hands, his head raised to the ceiling. He sighed multiple times as he tried to answer but failed miserably each time.

“I don’t know how to answer.”

“Honestly, I hope.”

“Always Jisung-ah. But things have sometimes to take time.” He paused. “Because I was jealous?”

Jisung studied him before answering.

“You don’t seem sure of your answer.”

“Because I care so much about you that I couldn’t stand you being so mad at me that you had to disappear from me.”

Jisung’s breath stopped in his lungs and was expelled with a choke as if he had been punched. Minho didn’t let him recover as he shot his next question, already ready.

“Why did you lie about coming here?”

Easy to answer safely.

“Because I needed alone time and if you knew, you would have cancelled your trip to go with me. Youngdae hyung would have killed me for ruining his proposal.”

Silence fell between the two.

“Actually, he will kill me because I really ruined his proposal.”

“No need to loose time on this. He ruined it the moment he got the idea.” Minho discarded the subject so easily that Jisung felt almost sad for Youngdae. Almost being the key word.

“You turn Jisung-ah.”

“You seem eager to ask your question.”

“Is that your question?”

“Just a statement.” He shook his head. “Why did you break up with him?”

Minho stopped pacing and leaned against the countertop.

“Because I don’t love him, I never intended to marry him in the first place. If he wanted that, why keep going?”

“You sound like you did him a favor.” Jisung laughed surprised.

Minho just shrugged. He didn’t ask right away his question. He kept looking at Jisung, searching for something Jisung didn’t know about. He wanted to remove himself from such scrutiny but he was kind of glued to his spot. If he moved, he wasn’t certain he would be able to handle the consequences.

“Your need of alone time, does it have a link with me being on a trip knowing what Youngdae’s intentions were?”

It felt like a bucket full of ice had been poured on Jisung. His body stilled and froze cold. He stopped breathing. He stopped thinking. He just shut down. Completely.

He knew this was coming. Minho’s question were rather direct and pointed toward that direction. But facing it was something else than just knowing it.

He couldn’t. No. He. No. Get out. Air. Need.

When he started moving, it was all of sudden. Not premeditated. One second he was as rigid as a statue, the next one, he was getting around the couch and the next one, he was opening the door and leaving. He completely took Minho by surprise because he was already on the sidewalk when he heard his name from inside the apartment. His legs started running on their own, trying to put some distance with his hyung. Something on the back of his head told him it was in vain, Minho was fast, faster than he ever could run. But he could care less, it had to try anyway.

“Han Jisung!” The scream were still behind him but closer than he was hoping for.

As expected, less than ten seconds later, his wrist got caught and his whole body was pulled back against Minho’s chest. They both let out a growl. In no time, he was caged within Minho’s arms and, no matter how much strength he put in trying to break free, Minho wouldn’t budge. He was his prisoner.

“Let me go!” He screamed his lungs out.

“Don’t you dare run away from me. Not again.”

“I can’t hyung. I really can’t.” Why his voice sounded so desperate and shaky?

Oh, yes, he was crying. Of course he was. It was way too much. He spent the whole day preparing to have his heart crushed. Then now, he was asked to open the very same organ he kept so closed for so long. How could he, Han Jisung, cope with all that? Minho pressed his forehead on the back of his head, panting.

“Ask your question.” He murmured, making him shiver.

“What?”

Jisung couldn’t give a damn about their game. How could he be so heartless?

“Your first question. Ask it.” Why Minho’s voice sounded so vulnerable?

At least, it stopped his tears from falling anymore.

“Who was, who was your first love?” It was merely a breath.

As Minho was behind him, Jisung could only analyzed the feel and the sound. He was breathing heavily, irregularly, faster each second passing.

“I hope I’m not wrong.” It sounded like a prayer in Jisung’s ears.

‘What could be wrong?’

“You.” It was whispered, almost inaudible, murmured at the discretion of his left ear. “Han Jisung, you are my first and only love.”

The sound of the slow and heavy gulp gave everything reality. He didn’t dreamed this. He didn’t hallucinate the words. The back hug being tighter was another proof.

First and only.

“What does it mean?” His voice was as low as Minho’s was. He was scared to mess everything up if he spoke louder.

“That I, I’m in love with you.”

“Jisung-ah, wake up.”

The room was dark and Jisung was lying on a bed. Oh, not his bed, the rented apartment bed. Minho was standing on top of him.

“Hey, you’re coming back.” Minho’s voice was calm but hesitant.

“What happened?”

“You had a panic attack.”

“Oh.”

He could feel it lingered in his heavy legs and arms.

“So intense that when I got you back here, you fell asleep.”

That’s why his mouth felt weird.

“How long?”

“The attack lasted less than ten minutes. But you slept for one hour-ish.”

Minho’s concern was written all over his face. Again, like they were in an infinite loop.

“How are you feeling?”

“Exhausted.” His body felt heavier. It was common after having a panic attack, not surprising at all. Normally, sleep would wave it off but not this time. His body was too much deprived of sleep and rest, even before the attack.

“Oh.” There was full sadness painted on Minho’s voice. “I’ll let you get some more sleep then.”

“Yeah, thank you.”

He was a coward.

Minho didn’t leave right away, he stayed looking at him, reading the unspoken words from his traits or his eyes or from where he could take answers from.

He finally shook his head and came out the room, leaving Jisung alone.

He didn’t sleep immediately. All the memories from before his meltdown were still there. He knew he was feeling too much, he was more overwhelmed than he ever was but if someone had asked him how he would react if Minho confessed to him, never he could have picked ‘by having a panic attack’. But his brain was dealing with too much information. His heart was lost on what to feel: happiness, hurt, betrayal, sadness, bitterness. His guts were having a jig in his stomach because every single thought was adding a huge amount of stress on an already huge amount of existing mountain of stress.

So his body made the only reasonable choice: explode.

Now everything was not back from normal. Long way from that. But he was alone and he had enough space in his head to actually think.

Minho’s POV

He couldn’t keep his eyes from checking the bedroom door. Hoping Jisung would come out and they could resume their conversation. He was so sure of the situation but all it took was one second to shake his confidence away. One strangled breath. Exhaustion was on the edge of wearing him out but he kept it at distance by will only. He would be there when Jisung woke up.

So he kept himself busy with cleaning the kitchen, quietly, letting his mind ranted free on his situation, on how he ended up here, waking up in the bed with one man and finally confessing to his first love within the same day. How time could pass so weirdly?

Flash back

Youngdae was still sleeping but Minho was awake for two hours. His phone was on, unlocked on Jisung’s chat history. He didn’t bother to count but it had more than hundreds of messages unanswered. It never happened. If there was one constant in Minho’s life, it would be Jisung talking to him, whether by voice or by text. Not three days of nothing. Irritation was crawling under his skin.

Anger was starting to boil his blood.

He switched the chat to the one with Chan and read again the last text his hyung sent, for the thousand time.

<< Chan : He’s okay. I got news today. Don’t worry I’m taking care of him. Enjoy your trip.

His anger went from a hundred to one million. He almost threw his phone on the wall. He really would have if he didn’t absolutely need it.

That was it.

He got up from the bed and started to dress as he grabbed his suitcase and began to pack everything he scattered around the room.

“Minho, what are you doing?” Youngdae’s voice broke the silence, surprising him.

“I’m going back.”

“What?” The man sat straight on the bed, clearly shocked.

“I’m going back. Something is wrong with Jisung. I need to know why and take care of it.”

“Babe, Chan told you he was dealing with it. Let him.”

Minho stopped right in action, a tee shirt still in his hands, looked at his boyfriend, astonished.

“I am Jisung’s best friend. I have to take care of it.”

Now, Youngdae was also up, only in his underwear. Nothing stopping Minho to keep filling his suitcase with his things.

“You’re on a trip with your boyfriend.” His tone was low with a shadow of threat.

“And?”

“And?!” The scream made Minho winced, as it inconvenienced his ears. “What do you mean by ‘and’?”

“What I mean obviously.”

“Of for God’s sake Minho! Stop!” In two steps, he pushed Minho away from the suitcase and made him look at him. “Are you really leaving this just because he doesn’t answer some texts? For just two days?”

“It’s been three days and we can always do it some other time.” Minho pushed away Youngdae to grab the last things remaining. Luckily, he never unpacked much on trips.

“I have things planned Minho!”

“I’m sure they can be rescheduled.”

“Come on babe,” he switched his tone a little bit to the soft side, trying to coo him,”go tomorrow, we have this exceptional dinner tonight.”

“Are you really asking me to stay for a stupid dinner over going to my closest friend who needs me?” Minho’s voice was deadly.

“Stupid? Stupid?” Youngdae was laughing, screaming, yapping at the walls. “I was going to propose to you asshole!”

That, at least, made Minho stopped.

“Propose?”

“Yes! So are you going to stay now?”

“But why?”

“What do you mean why? Because I love you and I think we’re good together. So, are you?”

“But I don’t love you.”

Time frozen for two seconds, as the two men stared at each other, in disbelief but not for the same reason.

“What?”

“I don’t want to marry you. I never wanted.” Minho said it like it was something logical, like it was a fact. Which it was.

“I can’t believe. You… look at you. You’re serious? Of course you are, it’s your ‘I don’t know what shit you’re saying but it’s bullshit’ face.”

“You worked up yourself on it. I have nothing to do with this. And we only dated for three months. Who ask someone to marry him after so little time?”

“Someone who is sure of his feelings.”

“Next time, maybe try to check if the other one is at the same level as you are.”

“So you’re leaving?”

Minho grabbed his finished package, his phone in his other hand and looked at, what could be the last time, Youngdae.

“That would have been the end, even if you had your plan going accordingly.”

“Jerk.”

“Whatever.”

Maybe he was. Maybe he had been for all his boyfriends before. He didn’t care.

He just cared for the idiot being silent for too long.

*Calling Chan*

“Minho, I-”

“I’m flying to Jeju.” He entered the airport, walking to the counter.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m leaving for Jeju. I need to talk to Jisung.”

“You can’t Minho. I told you I-”

Chan went silent over the phone but then sighed.

“Book you flight back to Seoul.”

“No I-”

“He’s not in Jeju.”

“What do you mean by ‘he’s not in Jeju’? He told me he was going to stay there for two weeks.”

“Yes… but not in Jeju.”

“He’s in Seoul?”

“No.” He sighed again. “He’s staying in a town two hours drive from Seoul.”

“His company relocated the retreat?”

Another silence.

“He’s there alone.”

“Hyung, I’ll text you my arrival time when I get it. I don’t care what are your plans but you’re going to pick me up at the airport and we’ll talk.” He hang up without waiting for Chan’s reply.

Jisung lied to him.

He clenched his fists so hard it started to pierce through the skin.

“One ticket to Seoul please. The earliest you have.”

The lady in front of him glanced at him repeatedly. He must looked crazy. He should try to smile and show her he was nice. He should. Jisung lied to him. He was not a nice person at the moment.

*Calling Chang*

“Where are you?”

“Minho-ya, could you at least-”

“Where. Are. You?” Chan sighed at the end of the line.

“At the exit gate C. Near the AirFrance company counter.”

When ten minutes later Chan appeared in his view, Minho would have laughed if he wasn’t already trying not to explode. It was rare to see their hyung this nervous and scared. Actually, that much scared.

But he should be. He lied by hiding the truth.

“Car. Now.” It seemed during the flight, he lost his ability to build full sentence.

Chan sighed but still lead the way to his car. In silence. Minho put his suitcase in the trunk and took the passenger seat. He asked his hyung to drive them to his home. Minho was restless but he waited, on edge, until Chan got on the highway.

“Explain.”

The older one jumped to him breaking the silence.

“Can you please calm down?”

“It’s the best I can do before breaking something. So start talking now.”

His hyung didn’t talk immediately and Minho almost snapped at him. Before reigning his emotions in. That would only be adding fuel to the existing bomb building in his body.

“First of all, I’ll have you know that I only learnt about his plan the day he left. Not before.”

Minho hummed, eyes focused on the road, fully listening.

“He asked me to meet him at the bus station. From where he left. He told me he was going on a trip alone instead of the fake corporate trip he invented. He asked me then to handle you. You should know that, at first, he wanted to completely shut down his phone. I made him leave it on and negotiated with him to at least let me know if he was okay.”

“Why not me?”

Chan hesitated once.

“That’s something you’ll have to ask Jisung.”

“Hyung…”

“No. I’m a good listener and the best at keeping secret. I know what I can tell you or not.”

“Do you understand how hard it is not to explode right now?”

“I see it. But what I don’t understand is why are you in this state?”

“Jisung is-”

“He is safe, you have nothing to worry.” Chan’s voice was meant to calm him, to reason him. It didn’t work. “And what about Youngdae? Your boyfriend?” He said it like he needed a reminder.

“Ex-boyfriend.”

“Oh. Why?”

“Because.”

“Did he propose?”

Minho jumped on his seat.

“You knew?”

“Kind of, yeah.”

“And you didn’t tell me?”

Chan glanced at him, surprised.

“It was supposed to be a surprise. For you.”

Another glance.

“So, I suppose you didn’t say yes?”

“People should stop assuming what I would say or do.”

Chan hummed, a little smile making its way his lips. One that didn’t go unnoticed by Minho.

“What’s the smile for?”

Chan shrugged, looking less nervous. That wasn’t good at all for Minho’s need of answers.

“Why did he went there alone?”

“To think. To breath. To be on his own.”

“Why now?”

“You were on a trip Minho, with your boyfriend.”

So Minho’s guts were right.

“He wanted to be away from me.” He spoke out his thoughts.

“I can’t answer.”

“You already did hyung.”

“I didn’t confirm nor deny it.”

“Try telling you this. You did.”

“Okay, my turn. Felix, Hyunjin and the others were worried but they all calmed down when I explained the situation. Why are you still that upset?”

“That’s not your business.”

“Actually yes it is. Because I still didn’t give you the address where he is staying. So if you want it, spill it.”

Minho rested his head on the window, suddenly tired. Tired of so much things he couldn’t say.

“I can’t stand being put on radio silence by him. Without knowing what I did to deserve that treatment.”

“Since when?” Chan’s voice was soft.

“Since when what?” Minho’s own voice lost its aggressivity.

“Since when do you love Jisung?”

“I don’t-”

Minho didn’t finish his sentence. What was the point in lying? He hated lies. He never lied about his feelings for Jisung, there were just misinterpreted by everyone else: always thinking he was talking about friendship. He was but that was only one side of the truth.

“Since the first year.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

They fell silent, the motor being the only sound in the car. Neither of them put the radio on. There was nothing to add. At least not in this car, almost reaching his apartment where he would take his own car to drive wherever Jisung was.

Chan halted the car but neither of them moved.

“You know you’ll have to be careful.”

“I know him, he’s my best friend.”

“But you don’t know why he went there. His state of mind. Be… gentle.”

Minho nodded because he couldn’t promise anything. His anger had lowered a little but two hours of driving alone could change drastically his humor.

“Here.” Chan gave him a piece of paper. “The address. Drive safely and text me when you get there. And… after.”

“Thanks hyung.” He took the paper but didn’t opened it yet. “And sorry.”

“It’s already forgotten.” Chan smile assuringly.

“Do you think I have a chance?”

Chan shook gently his head, laughing softly.

“Only Jisung can answer this. Go.”

He step out the car before watching his hyung, his friend, leaving him alone.

He couldn’t pinpoint what exactly made him believe his feelings were reciprocate but, as their conversation went, hope surfaced and shined. It was little, almost invisible, but it was there, Minho knew it and it was enough. He would keep it from vanishing.

That would be the only reason he wouldn’t murder Jisung when he would find him.

Jisung’s POV

The worst that could happen when only a wall was separating you from what you wanted to avoid was the natural needs reminding you they existed.

Some hours must have passed, he hadn’t his phone with him to check but he spent so long thinking, turning under the sheets that it would be impossible that less time was spent.

He had planned to hide here until the sunrise, trying to gather the courage to face Minho and resumed their conversation. To answer to his confession.

But he needed to go to the bathroom.

He needed it earlier.

He needed even more now. Like urgently.

He removed the sheets, jumped out the bed and opened as discreetly as possible the door. The view was not that open so he couldn’t see all the apartment but Minho was not in the kitchen anymore, nor on the path to the bathroom. He opened more the door and made his way to his now heaven, as quickly as he could, which meant for the door to bang a little on the wall. His feet, of course, squeaked as he walked on the tiles. The bathroom door cracked as he opened it.

So, it wasn’t much a surprise that, when he came out the room, Minho, sitting on the couch, was looking directly at him, wide awake.

“Sorry, I woke you.”

“I was not asleep.” In the dark, he couldn’t see precisely his traits.

So, he turned back and pushed the light button, inviting colors to paint the living room. And, right before his eyes, he saw instantly Minho was telling the truth, as two black circles had grown under his eyes.

“Why? You look exhausted.”

“In case you needed something.” He smiled. “Or you tried to run away.” He added with a smirk.

“I would nev-”

“Really?” Minho raised one eyebrow to challenge him.

Jisung shut his mouth. The thought really had been on his mind. He just brushed it away because he perfectly knew Minho would easily find him. Like he did earlier.

“What time is it?”

“11:42pm”

“So early?” No more than two hours. However, it still felt so much more.

“Do you want to sleep a little longer?”

Jisung weighed the two choices he was offered: take the way out Minho gave him on a golden plate but keep tossing for hours and getting frustrated; or stay here with him but have to resume their conversation.

The choice was complicated.

Because he was really scared.

Minho was in love with Jisung. Jisung was in love with Minho.

What was simpler than that.

Minho was his best friend. His safe place. His home. His soulmate. His everything.

They loved each other but would that be enough to make it through the years and life?

Would it be worth it? Trading a lifetime friendship with months or maybe years of love?

But Minho was in love with him. Where their friendship lay?

“Since when?” He finally decided on a whim.

“Huh?”

“Since when do you… you know?”

“I-” Minho sighed, suddenly shy. “We’re doing this right now?”

Jisung nodded.

“Okay. But… can you just, just come closer or sit down? I feel like if I say the wrong thing, you’ll run away immediately.”

Jisung opened his mouth to deny it but didn’t vocalize it. He wasn’t totally wrong.

So he took a kitchen chair and sat down, facing Minho. He needed this distance. Minho winced but said nothing, understanding his needs, like he always did.

“So, since when?” Minho asked for confirmation.

Jisung nodded again, still silent. He didn’t know why it felt important to let Mino talk. Be the only voice resonating in the room. Maybe he was afraid of disturbing the way things were supposed to be.

“Actually, I can’t tell you the exact moment. But I can tell you when I noticed my feelings.”

Another nod to make him keep going. His heart was beating so fast, he didn’t know he could beat that fast.

“Do you remember, during your first year, when they called me ‘Jisung’s guardian angel’ the first time?”

That was so long ago that Jisung had to dig in his memory from his almost erased folder. If he remembered correctly, they were at the cafeteria, they were already friends for several months at the time, not best friends but close. This girl was talking with him when Minho arrived with Changbin. One of them must have done something in his back because the girl’s attitude, he couldn’t remember her name, changed drastically. She said those words while laughing but it was clear the joke was just for good measure. There was another meaning behind it. She left and the thought vanished from Jisung’s mind altogether. The only reason Jisung kept that memory until now was for the guardian angel thing because it came in and out during all Minho’s university years.

“I never knew what happened to get you that nickname.”

Minho laughed softly.

“It may be about how I looked at her and her hands on you.”

Oh, she was touching him? He didn’t recollect that part.

“I may have glared at her.” He continued. “Or, if you ask Changbin but don’t, I may have sent death threat though my gaze.”

“Why?”

“She was touching you.” Like it was explanation enough. Jisung raised his eyebrow. “I couldn’t control myself. It was the first time I felt jealous.”

“Jealous?” He must have heard wrong.

“Someone who was not me was touching you… And it was the moment I understood my feelings for you were not only friendship.”

“Just like that?”

“Hum…” The blush on Minho’s cheek was cute. His shy smile too. “It took me more time to get to terms with them but, looking back, that’s the starting point.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

The gasp from Minho was so loud he almost hurt Jisung’s ears.

“Why?” The high pitch did hurt his ears this time. “Maybe because you were dating girls at the time? Maybe because you are straight?”

Guilt ran through his body from head to toe. Minho didn’t know. How could he? He never told him, or anyone actually, he didn’t wanted for him to notice what made him discover this side of him.

“I’m not straight.” He whispered.

“Oh. How was I suppose to know?”

“When was the last time I showed up with or talked about girls?”

“I thought you were just seeing them discreetly.”

“You know I don’t do that.”

“How? You don’t talk to me about it. The last time we talked was… was… at least back at university! Don’t tell me you haven’t been with a girl since then!”

Silence fell in the room. Jisung’s eyes dropped on his hands resting on his lap. Deep down, he knew that Minho wasn’t mean on purpose but he did it anyway. He truly believed that he must have been intimate with girls for so many years, every guy would have. Minho simply didn’t know.

“Jisung-ah?” Here was the concerned in his voice.

Jisung closed his eyes, hoping it would delay the outcome. He wasn’t ashamed, he just felt like it wasn’t normal to stop seeing girls or guys when he was perfectly aware his love interest was completely unreachable. Just, he couldn’t be interested when Minho was by his side, so perfectly imperfect for him, with him. No one could stand a chance.

A hand landed on his, delicately, brushing softly.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to mock you. I just… I’m sorry.”

One look showed Minho kneeling in front of him, hesitant.

“Can I keep asking question?”

Jisung laughed bitterly.

“Like you needed to ask before.”

“I… Sorry.” Minho got up, removed his hand and walked back to the couch.

“Wait!” Jisung followed him, stopping him by the wrist.

“I’m sorry. It was mean for no reason.”

“No, I understand. I came here and demanded answers from you without your consent. I even chase you! You’re totally valid for feeling trapped or hurt by my actions. I can leave if you need me to.”

The world must have change its direction of rotation because everything was out of ordinary. Maybe earlier Jisung would have taken the opportunity to stay hidden a little while. As of now, something had eased him, like a ball of wool which had been unfolded slowly but carefully, and now, everything was at its right place, weighing less. Now, he understood a little better Minho. They needed to talk about it more but that was for later. Now, he needed to keep Minho here and dig the buried feelings he hold inside the depth of his heart.

“I’m actually bi.” He finally said, falling down on the couch, embarking Minho in the move. The older one gasped but managed not to crush him and sat beside Jisung. Not too close as they used to do but not too far as if they were not friends anymore. This time, Minho stayed silent, his hands resting on his thighs, playing with each other in nervousness. Jisung was grateful.

“And I really haven’t been with anyone since my third year in university.” He laughed. “Weird isn’t it?” Minho only shaked his head. “Yes it is. You dated even if you say that you loved me since my first year.”

“I really do.” Minho whispered.

“I believe you but it seems I can’t do the same. I need… feelings? Even the tiniest. But they were all for you, you didn’t even let crumbs for me to play with them and try.”

“I-” Minho shaked again his head to stop himself from saying what he was going to say.

“You can talk you know.”

Minho winced. “I’m sorry. I’m quite glad actually that you couldn’t date anyone.”

“Come on. I couldn’t even have a taste of being with a guy!”

“You can have me.” Jisung gasped at Minho’s words. “And keep me. If you want.”

Minho looked at him, seriousness vibrating through his whole body, his voice.

“You are the cause and you want to be the solution?” Jisung gasped.

“Of course, what bet- Wait. I’m the cause?”

“You know it. I just said it.”

“Actually I don’t.”

Eyes could be the mirror of the soul and Jisung couldn’t agree more at this instant. Minho was giving everything to Jisung, his soul naked in front of him, waiting, hoping to get just a little in return. Jisung was sure that if he only said he liked him a little more than a regular friend would do, it would be enough for Minho. And this gave him the courage in raw honesty.

“Every opportunity of dating girls or guys were stolen from me in my third year. You know how you said it earlier? You didn’t notice until you do?”

He paused, trying to organize his thoughts. He could just say the words but he needed to come clean, for the first time. Tell everything.

“I’m slower than you because it took me years. Not a year, even if that’s already long. No years like in multiple years. Like I’m dumb enough to fall for my best friend and not to notice until years after.”

He sighed but gently, smiling too. He was an idiot, there was no denying it.

“The moment I knew is, for me, as sad as a relief. Do you remember when you asked me about being able to love someone more than your first love?”

He felt Minho stilled by his side. A little “mmh” followed.

“I disappeared a little after that? That was my revelation. I felt so hurt and I didn’t knew why.”

“You told me it was about work.” Jisung was surprised Minho still remembered that part.

“I lied. Sorry. I couldn’t tell you the truth! I just found out I was in love with you for years and I didn’t even knew! Myself! So blind to my own feelings.”

On his right, Jisung felt Minho’s shoulder moved by little waves.

“Are you laughing at me?”

“Yes. No. At us.” He breathed a big time. “Do you know why I asked you this?”

“No?”

“It was a weird, indirect and invisible way of trying to make you jealous. To try to get a reaction out of you. To try to get a glimpse of hope that you could, by chance, have any romantic interest in me.”

“Wait. Hold on. Are you telling me that you hoped, by asking, to get a reaction from me that I did have? And that I, purposefully, hid my feelings, by the way revealed by you, for you because I thought you didn’t like me, whereas you did like me?”

“You perfectly summarized it.”

“We’re both idiots!”

“Yes.”

They both laughed, finally sharing a moment of bonding they didn’t find since Minho arrived. Laughs went silent as they both recollected the memory in their mind, living it again and seeing all those missed chances over the years. All those years. Minho hit his knee with his own.

“Don’t look back. The past is already in the past. Now is what matter.”

“But-”

“You were in love with me then, it’s done. Noth-”

“I am in love with you!” He hated the use of the past tense.

Again, Minho’s body froze. Jisung’s eyes widened at his reaction.

“What?”

“You, you love me?”

“I told you.”

“No. You told me you fell in love years ago. I’m the cause of you being inactive. But not about now.”

Jisung moved a little to put himself in facing Minho.

“When did I say I stopped?”

“You never said you were bi until ten minutes ago! I need words Jisung-ah. I can’t read between the lines. I don’t trust myself enough.”

“Oh.”

The vulnerability in Minho’s whole body from his voice to his eyes touched Jisung more than he would have expected. Minho’s heart and happiness was in his shaky hands.

“Aren’t you afraid of losing our friendship?”

Minho bit his lips, thinking carefully. Then, he took one of Jisung’s hand in his.

“I don’t think our friendship works without us being in love. Like someone wise said once ‘the best foundation for love is friendship’.”

“You can’t say that.”

“Let’s face the truth, we were in love with each other from almost our entire friendship.” Minho resumed. “And I think that having your lover being also you best friend is the best combination, don’t you?”

Minho’s hand on his felt right. Minho’s warmth near him felt right. Everything happening now felt right. Who was he to deny what felt so right?

“Hyung?”

“Hum?”

“I love you.”

Starting slowly, Minho’s smile went wider and wider, up until his eyes shined with water. Three words. Merely one second to say them. But they meant the world.

Minho’s head landed on Jisung’s forehead with a sigh.

“I love you too Jisung-ah.”

Peace.

Happiness.

Lightness.

Breathing became easier. Like those years of containing all those feelings had weighed somehow, without him noticing a tiny bit it was there. Smile came quickly after that, with Minho’s hand on his cheek. He backed a little, looking at Jisung’s face like it was the first time. But it kind of felt like it was, even for him. There was less restraint on his hyung’s face. He thought he knew his every smile, every happy wrinkles but he was so wrong. This smile was new. Radiant. He never saw his lips could stretch that beautifully wide. Minho’s eyes moved from down to up, to his own eyes. Oh. Yes. Right. Lips. The smile became a smirk. Like Minho read what was on his mind. Then, it became closer and closer. He wet his lips. their first kiss had to be perfect. It-

Jisung yawned.

Minho burst out laughing and back down. How stupid he was! Couldn’t he refrain his body just a little more?

“Alright, let’s sleep a little.” Minho finally said.

He grabbed Jisung’s body like it was nothing, laid him on the couch and followed by his side, by spooning him. He just kept his upper arm away from Jisung.

“That’s okay?” He whispered gently.

“There is a bed five meters away.” Jisung pointed out.

“Oh. Yes of course.” Minho released his embrace, letting Jisung got up and walked to the bedroom. Before he entered in the room, he turned back, shaking his head.

“You know, you also can big spoon me in this comfortable bed?”

Eye’s widened, Minho didn’t ask for more and ran into the room, onto the bed and under the sheets so fast that Jisung didn’t even finished to turn back.

“You’re crazy hyung.”

“But you love me.”

“Yes, I do.”

He felt easier each time he said those words. He smiled as he laid down and an arm grabbed him back against a wide hot chest. Then Minho’s chin rested in his neck.

“I have always wished to be able to do that.” Minho whispered.

“Me too hyung. It feels so good.”

They fell asleep quickly as tiredness took its toll on them after such a long day of stress and emotions.

When Jisung woke up, a few hours later, he just felt warmth and serenity. This was a time when he didn’t want to open his eyes and face whatever the day would bring him. Just a few more minutes of this peace, enjoying a moment of freedom, pressure-free and calm feelings. He just had to stay right where he was, letting the warmth made its magic and enjoy it.

But his body moved on its own will. No. He growled. Not yet. Just a little more. Just-

He finally opened his eyes, wanting to know what bothered him. Two brown eyes, widely awake despite the lighter black circle under them, were staring at him. The same and unusual smile seemed to have stayed on his lips.

“Did you have some sleep at least?” Jisung asked softly as he ran a finger on those black circles.

“Yes.” His voice still carried the night as it was low and rusk.

“You should sleep a little bit more. I’ll make breakfast.” Jisung said as he moved to get out of the bed. As he tried would be more accurate. Because some force was pining him where he was. Not an inch further. Actually, an inch closer even.

“Hyung.”

“Mmmh.” Oh this voice. He could cry for two hours about it. Was it an after effect of learning how their feelings were reciprocated?

It never felt like that before. Not this much at least. Not this deep.

“You should sleep. I’ll just go.” He softened his voice, in an attempt to soothe his hyung . But the outcome was the total opposite.

The warm and cozy body he was lying into became hard, rigid and cold as a rock.

“What’s going on?”

The force pining him to his spot disappeared, making him fell back a little before he regained his balance. He watched, powerless, Minho pulled back his hands along his body. His breath was trembling.

“Why do you want to leave this room so much?”

What?

“I don’t.” Jisung frowned at Minho who was still looking at him but face closed.

“Why don’t you want to stay?”

“I-”

Then Jisung laughed and crawled against Minho’s body, invading completely his personal space, leaving no space between their bodies except for their heads, wanting to still be able to look at him. His hand reached Minho’s back, gently caressing.

“Because you look like someone who would need a four days night sleep.”

“I don’t”. Minho growled back.

“Oh yes you do.”

He took a deep breath.

“And because I love you, I care about you.”

Here the stars made their comeback in his hyung’s eyes. They had been gone the minute he froze and it felt so wrong. Never again he would let that happen.

Minho’s arm found its way back on him, hugging him even tighter than before. Almost preventing him from breathing. But who cared?

“Say it again. Please.”

“Why?” Jisung teased, his lips stretched.

“I’ve been dying to hear them for years.”

Jisung wished the light would be stronger just to see if Minho was blushing like he supposed he was just by the sound of his voice.

“Oh yes? Me too you know.”

Minho chuckled before moving a little, tucking his legs between Jisung’s.

“I love you too.” His breath shortened.

They were both smiling at each other, feeling how they were exactly where they were supposed to be for the first time in their life.

Minho leaned or maybe Jisung or they both leaned in, sealing their lips. First, gently, afraid of doing the wrong thing, to be too soon, too late, too harshly, too slow, too soft. Years of yearning, of love, of deception, of hurt, of laugh, of them. None of them was inexperienced, yet, they were clumsy, testing each other, brushing over, pushing at times. But none of it mattered in the end.

It didn’t value down the meaning of the act itself. The way his heart was punching its ribcage. The touch of Minho’s back skin under his fingertips. The little fight their feet were having. The shiver that ran along his back as Minho’s hand were caressing it.

If it did have an impact, it was on his feelings. Jisung knew how much he was in love with Minho. How much he needed him in his life, his attention, his care, his laugh, his touch. He was so much far from the truth.

Being in love was something.

Feeling loved was another thing.

Being in love and feeling loved was something every one should experienced at least one day in their life. Because it felt great. It felt good. It felt easy. It felt normal. It felt everything. 

They broke slowly the kiss, not a least eager to move away from each other.

Jisung opened his eyes, slowly, adjusting to the darkness and taking into view the result of their passion on the lips of his hyung, enlightened by the now eternal smile, moving up to his sharp nose and finally meeting his gaze again.

One second.

It could last an eternity. It could last a glimpse. Time was relative.

One second. 

It only took one second of gazing at each other, their hands still on each other before their lips met again, this time less clumsy, more in tune with their soulmate.

If their first kiss put their soul on fire, the second one fired up their bodies.

Time was relative and they had all the time in the world to discover how to love each other, body and soul.

Epilogue - Seungmin’s POV

When Seungmin received Minho’s invitation for a group date night, he knew something was strange. He couldn’t name it but it didn’t feel genuine. As Minho’s best friend, whatever Jisung was saying about that fact, he was the one who could sense it. Oh, and Jisung, but he didn’t matter. Except when he was the only one who could cheer up Minho, that was the only time when he was useful. And-

Whatever.

Something was up.

9pm. He arrived at the bar, with light music playing in the background. They liked this place because they could drink and hear themselves. Even when sometimes, they really shouldn’t.

Minho was already there, at a table on the side of the room, already sipping a glass of something.

“You’re alone tonight?” was his only greetings.

He knew Minho wouldn’t be bothered, he was used to Seungmin’s shenanigans.

“As you can see.”

“I’m talking about your boyfriend.” His voice was much more a growl than a real sentence.

“He’ll arrived later.”

Here there was, the smile Seungmin was waiting for. His guts squeezed in his stomach and, contrary to his usual habit, he held back a grimace. So Youngdae really proposed and Minho said yes. And here he was hoping that the trip would go horribly and they would break up. Like Minho always did with his previous boyfriends. He knew something was wrong before coming in, he still had his hopes up though. Shit. More years he had to support his super boring boyfriend.

“Who’s coming?” He finally changed the subject.

“Everyone.”

“Except Jisung. He’s still at his corporate thing, right?”

“M-”

“Hey guys! What’s up?”

Seungmin winces at the hit on his back.

“Chan hyung.” He hissed.

“How are you Seungmin-ah?”

“Do you really have to hit me each single time we meet?”

“Yes Chan hyung, do you have to brutalize your dongsaeng?”

Changbin pushed Chan, gently but enough to move him aside a few feet away from Seungmin. Then, Changbin took his place and sat right beside the younger one, resting his arm on Seungmin’s shoulders. The latter froze for one second, one second too long, before getting back to his body. He hated being this weak with this guy.

Jeongin saved him by joining them and brushing away his thoughts.

Their surroundings went louder and louder with the latest news each one shared. Even if they already knew most of them through their chat history. Boring. At least, Seungmin could observe Minho. As he was glancing a lot at Chan.

He should have met with Minho when he returned from his trip. He should have questioned him. He sighed just at the thought of hearing about YoungDae. He didn’t hate the guy, he just didn’t really fit in the group, Minho could do so much better. He deserved much better.

The last ones to come in were the inseparable Hyunjin and Felix. Almost as glued to each other as Minho was with Jisung.

“Jisung’s still in Jeju?” Jeongin asked when everyone was seated.

“I think?” Felix spoke as Jisung’s best friend, they both shared the same status in Minho and Jisung friendship. “He’s still there until sunday if I remember correctly.”

Hyunjin nodded at his side while the others carried on by choosing their drinks.

Changbin leaned in his personal space.

“Do you also feel like something is weird too?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you know what?”

He shrugged, that was not his place to reveal it.

Once they all had their drinks, they turned to Minho. Seungmin just only noticed how no one had yet asked about Youngdae. He was the only one who did.

“Why are you all looking at me?”

“How was your trip?”

“And where is your boyfriend?”

“You’re tired of him after one week alone with him?” That was Changbin, of course.

They all laughed, except for Minho. And Chan. He definitely should have had a talk with Minho. He couldn’t fight Jisung and Chan for Minho’s friendship. He couldn’t let it happen.

“Well?” Hyunjin said, getting him back in the conversation.

Minho laughed when Seungmin realized it was his nervous laugh. Should he help him? He considered the idea but discarded it in the same time. He was a grown man after all, he could do it himself.

“It wasn’t my idea”. Minho growled.

At least that made everyone shut up at the table.

“What do you mean?” Changbin’s voice clearly showed his concern.

All of their faces did except him. Because he knew. He snorted.

“Just spill the bean.” Seungmin finally said. “If you keep delaying, we’ll be dead before you say anything.”

“You’re talking like you don’t care.” He paused. “No, like you think you know something. Youngdae has talked to you.”

Seungmin played with his eyebrows before answering.

“Maybe. Maybe not. I don’t know.”

“So Kim Seungmin, you knew then.” Minho asserted.

That was new. That was unexpected. That triggered a weird feeling in his stomach.

“Can someone explain in actual words what’s going on?” Changbin asked for the rest of the group, Seungmin included finally.

“Maybe try chronologically?” Chan proposed to Minho whom nodded.

“So, basically, I broke up with Youngdae last… wednesday?”

He turned to Chan to get his approval which he got. One second of raw silence before the storm blew as they all talked at the same time: what, why, how, every questions were asked.

“But what about the proposal?” was the only one he had in mind.

“You really knew about that.” Minho shook his head, disgruntled.

“Of course, as your best friend, he asked me to advise him about what kind of ring you would like.”

Both Chan and Minho seemed shocked. Then, Chan burst out laughing while Minho took his head between his hands.

“He, he, he asked Jisung and Seungmin?” Chan couldn’t speak properly as he was lacking of air of too much laugh. “He, he really didn’t want for you to say yes.” Chan was almost crying. Or he already did. He didn’t care.

“Stop, stop, stop.” Changbin hold them back as more questions were flying from everyone. “First thing: did he propose?”

“No. Yes? I don’t remember.”

“Hyung, how can you not remember what your boyfriend did, sorry, your ex-boyfriend did one week ago?”

“It doesn’t matter anymore? I broke up with him before we even followed his plan.”

“Why?”

“I-”

“Better ask,” Chan chuckled as he was still laughing, “ask him what he did after breaking up with him six days ago.”

“Where-”

“Wait!” Seungmin screamed. “When I arrived you told me your boyfriend will arrive later?!”

Everyone froze, then turned to Minho, completely lost.

“Oh yeah.” He looked at his phone which just lighted on briefly. “He should be here any minute now.”

Felix looked at Hyunjin. Changbin looked at Seungmin. Jeongin looked at Chan who was still laughing. Good for him. Wait, no. He knew.

“You managed to find yourself a new boyfriend in the lapse of six days? One that you want to introduce to us? After only six days? Or even less than six days?”

Seungmin was doubtful.

“Actually, you already know him.” Why was he smirking?

“Who is it?” Felix.

“Did you planned to date him before?” Hyunjin.

“Oh Jisung hyung!” Jeong-

Seungmin turned his back to watch Han Jisung, a big smile on his face, walking nonchalantly toward them, waving innocently to say hello. 

“I thought you were in Jeju! What are you doing here?” Again Felix shot his questions restlessly while hugging his best friend.

“When did you came back?” Changbin’s concern was drooling from his voice.

“You’re not supposed to be here.” Seungmin finally said, accusing while Hyunjin stole Jisung from Felix’s arms.

“I’m glad to see you too Seungminnie.”

“Hyung!” Jeongin seemed too much excited for his own good. While he hugged quite distantly Jisung, he resumed. “You missed all the gossips!”

“Oh yeah?”

“Minho hyung has broken up with Youngdae hyung and, hear this, he is already dating someone.”

“Really?”

Something was off. Seungmin felt it in his bones. Jisung was too… easy going with the news. He never was when they talked about Minho love life, he always pu-

“Oh no.” He whispered, blank.

“What’s wrong?” Changbin leaned in, frowning in concern when he saw how his face lost all its colors.

Now everyone was looking at him while his own focus was entirely on two people: Jisung who was smirking at him like he had won the grand prize; and Minho who was completely unaware of the situation as he was fondly gazing at Jisung.

“Seungminnie?”

“You’re fucking kidding me? And you,” He pointed at Chan, “you knew everything?”

Chan gave a little shrug. “They needed me?”

“Can you elab- Oh, I see.”

The others looked at Changbin who had turned back, so they had to follow his gaze at what Seungmin was already looking at: Jisung trapped inside Minho’s thighs, his arms around his neck. And they were kissing. Eww. Just a soft peck but still eww.

“Can you please not do that in public? Please?”

“You’re just jealous Seungminnie.” Jisung stuck his tongue at him while he was being backhugged allowing him to face the rest of them.

“I don’t understand.” Jeongin said bashfully and lost.

They let Chan explain the whole situation while they gathered around the new, argh, couple for more intel.

“So,” Seungmin was laughing so much his abs started hurting, “you were both in love for years with each other and because you both suck at communication you did nothing until now? Because Jisung went MIA and boring guy wanted to propose? You’re both so stupid!”

“Boring guy?” Minho frowned at him while Seungmin shrugged, careless.

“At least, we found out. Like we were meant to be.”

“Please, tell me you will stop being this lovey dovey soon?”

That was torture. They were cute but too much display for his own taste. And he would never admit out loud that they were indeed so well fitted together. Ice would form in hell before.

“Just for you, we won’t stop.” Jisung loved too much to stuck out his tongue at him. “You can ask Changbin hyung to be lovey dovey with you if you’re so jealous.”

“Jisung, I’ll-”

“You can’t touch anymore.” Minho stopped him, smiling when his eyes were telling another story.

“Like it was not already the case?” Minho laughed at his jab and they finally moved on, joining the conversation with the others, the hot subject getting colder as the minutes passed.

Jisung’s POV

He was laying on Minho’s bed, waiting for him to come out from the bathroom. They came back from the bar thirty minutes ago, a little tipsy but happy. All their friends were glad and excited for them. As the expected them to be. Even his best-friend-title-rival Seungmin, who did not say the proper words but his goodbye hug did it for him: he hugged them both tight and then, pushed them with a ‘you’re so disgustingly in love!’

He sighed, content and obviously in love.

The last days were pretty chaotic. Spending time alone with Minho, planning their comeback, cuddling and others things. Now was the real first time they stopped and got back on a normal routine.

“What’s on your mind?”

Jisung turned his head toward Minho, only wearing a boxer.

“That everything turned so good in a mere week. Last week, at this time, I was touching rock bottom. Now, I’m way up high at the mountain summit. In a week.”

Minho climbed into the bed and under the sheets, then turned to face him.

“What’s a week after all? Just a certain amount of seconds. Everything can change within a second, can’t they?”

Jisung leaned in, kissing him softly.

“Yes, it can.”

Only one second was needed to fall in love.

Only one second was needed to confess.

And only one second was needed to transform a kiss from soft to heated.

The end