Chapter Text
It was around 2am, Ymir’s mind was restless. She'd been trying to sleep for 3 hours now, but she just couldn't. It was storming outside and the coldness was beginning to seep into her room. She felt her infuriation bubbling up inside her and she soon felt tears spilling across her face. She laid on her side, her duvet half off her body. Sleep was like an escape for her. An escape from her feelings. Yet when all her emotions were overwhelming her, sleep was nowhere to be found. Usually she would've smoked a cigarette but the rain was coming down in sheets across the window. She clenched her fist, her short nails making crescents along her palm. She wasn't really sure what she was feeling, what had caused her to break down like this. The feelings came down upon her, smothering her brain until it was all she could think of. She sat up. The pillow where her head had rested was dampened by her tears. She reached into her drawer and grabbed a blade she kept hidden. She tugged her sweatpants off and pressed the cool metal onto her warm skin. She swiped fast, the blood taking a few seconds to fill the wound. She kept going, 2, 3, 4, 5 more. As much as it took to quiet her mind. The sting was harsh, she hissed as she grabbed an old washcloth and pressed it to the wounds. Her tears never stopped, however now they were tears of pain instead of tears of anger.
In the morning she groaned as she propped herself up, there was a dull ache in her thigh. Some spots of blood had leaked through the fabric. She reluctantly got up and went down the stairs quietly. Once she got downstairs, she looked in the medicine cabinet and grabbed a large plaster. She quietly went back up to her room and pulled her sweatpants down once again. She inspected the lines, the blood had dried and was a dark maroon. She carefully stuck the plaster over them. She was pretty careless when it came to self harm. She only put plasters on it if her cuts were deep. Luckily, she'd never gotten an infection.
Ymir had started doing it at 9, her parents never noticed anything, they only found out because they saw her scars. Not that they did anything about it. It used to disgust her. The fact mutilating her own body brought her comfort. It still filled her with remorse every time she touched that blade, but she knew she'd never be able to stop.
She was looking forward to one thing today, seeing Historia. She was surprised Historia actually talked to her yesterday, she felt kind of stupid being so infatuated with a girl who she'd only interacted with a few times. She made sure to look good that day. Her skirt rolled a few times, her shirt ironed and slightly untucked. She never thought of herself as feminine, she didn't want to be. She always figured out a way to add a masculine touch to her uniform. She pulled on her plain black hoodie. The teachers had tried to tell her years ago to wear the school jumper but they eventually gave up.
Once she'd gotten into school she walked into the canteen where Sasha and Connie were. Sasha was distracted with her two slices of toast, Connie had stolen her one. She sat next to Sasha and started playing a random game on her phone.
“Hey Ymir..?” Sasha asked innocently. “Would you sneak me a piece of toast from the canteen?” Ymir side eyed her.
“What will you give me for it? She questioned, smirking. Sasha groaned.
“Pleaaaaaase!” Sasha almost yelled, shaking Ymir's shoulder.
“Fine, just stop whining.” Ymir took Sasha's hand off her shoulder. “How many have you eaten so far anyway?”
“Six. But I'm still hungry.” Sasha took another bite of her food. Ymir gave in and went and got her another slice.
The rain was still going, but it was light now. You could barely hear it. Her leg was still stinging, not bad enough to make her cry but enough to be annoying. She hadn't even seen Historia today. Her class was loud, everyone was shouting about some useless crap she didn't care about. She walked out and headed to the bathroom. She didn't really care about getting yelled at or being in trouble so she usually would just walk out if she wanted to. She opened the bathroom door with her shoulder, playing her game on her phone again. She glanced up and her heart stuttered as she spotted Historia. She was touching up her lipgloss in the mirror. Ymir stared at her like an idiot for a good 5 seconds, Historia unknowing.
“Hey.” Ymir said. Historia turned quickly, she wasn't expecting her. She closed her lipgloss.
“Hi.” She returned quietly. She glanced at the mirror again. “Are you skipping?” Ymir nodded, leaning against the wall.
“Yep,” She sighed. “The teachers weren't even doing anything so I walked out.” Historia sat on the counter. She looked pretty exhausted. Ymir decided to not mention it.
“Arent you worried about getting yelled at or something?” Historia asked. Ymir shook her head, the worst she could get would be a detention or her parents getting a phone call and its not like they would do much.
“Nah.” Ymir looked back down at her game. She was quite flustered but she was good at hiding it. The bathroom settled into an awkward silence.
“Do you wanna sit with us today?” Ymir spoke, she decided to just fuck it, she wasnt gonna be some loser who was to scared to talk to her.
“Sure. Most of my friends are braindead anyway, all they think about is their boyfriends.” Historia sighed, flipping her hair over her shoulder. One of the most attractive things about her to Ymir was that she wasn't afraid to speak her mind. Most people would hide their dislike for people or their habits, but Historia was honest, even if it sounded mean.
They both hid out in the bathroom silently, this time it was comfortable.
At lunch Historia sat between Ymir and Sasha. One half of the table were laughing over something stupid and the other half were rushing through some homework they'd forgotten about. Ymir looked at Historia. She was completely distracted by her phone, she had redone her instagram layout. Ymir couldn't lie she was hoping for a proper conversation to strike between them but at the same time she wasn't complaining. Every once in a while Historia's leg would accidentally brush hers, extremely lightly. Ymir suspected Historia didn't even notice it happening but god it made Ymir's stomach flip.
It mustve been an odd sight, Historia, the cheerleader who looked like shed fallen straight from heaven sitting with the ‘emos’. But it didnt really seem like Historia actually cared. Ymir had never seen her as one of those popular girls. The ones that would shame others for putting a little eyeliner on, another thing she liked her for. She could go on forever.