Chapter Text
On the floor was Mikasa’s splattered stew. Some potatoes laid on the grass. The kid who killed Sasha was on her knees, begging. Reiner, unconscious. Jean’s right hand, pure red. It wasn’t the smell of soup and beef anymore, but iron, blood, and anguish. Mikasa’s stomach formed a pit; her insides were cold, hearing the truth behind Marco’s death. How could Jean be feeling? Mikasa had leapt forward, accidentally spilled her stew, and stayed close by in case anyone still had a taste for blood.
But Jean had backed off.
“Jean, what about your seconds?” Commander Hanji had shouted, but the boy didn’t look back. He vanished into the dark, thick belly of the forest.
***
Dear Mikasa,
To answer your question—yes, all of us will be visiting Eren this year. Jean, too. Connie will first head to Ragako when we dock, but we’ll all be there. Do you think it will be alright, us staying for a week straight? It can get too lively, with Annie and now Meredi, who’s two years and five apples tall as we call it. You’re her favorite aunt. Now the only problem is her favorite uncle. I don’t think she’ll understand how Eren is my best friend, yet she would never meet him. I’m gathering the courage to tell her: he is here. Always here.
But, yes. Regarding your other question, I believe you should. I would be more than happy to see it with my own eyes.
Also, Jean might be arriving early. His recent trip to Marley will end sooner than our voyage from Hizuru’s thousand islands. Please send a note when you can, and see you soon!
Over and out,
Your Brother Armin
***
Way past the blackened trees far from the campfire, Mikasa found Jean crouching on the floor. His hands were on his ears, and a pained expression on his face. He must have noticed her, so he fixed his face. But his lips remained shut.
Mikasa didn’t come with any words prepared. In fact, she was not good with words. Leave it to Armin to know what to say. But she wasn’t him. Whatever eloquence she could have escaped her. She crouched down, to his level.
Without a word, Jean’s arms slackened. Almost in a mumble, he said, “I almost didn’t go with Commander Hanji earlier.”
Mikasa sat beside him, listening. He moved slightly, giving her some space on the ground.
“You seemed like you were raring to go, Mikasa. It’s not like you to be against Eren.” Jean’s voice was laced with such sadness; Mikasa knew it wasn’t his usual facade of sarcasm or envy, but true and genuine wonder. “Why did you join Commander Hanji?” The two looked at each other, eye to eye.
It was true. Mikasa had followed Eren to each and every end. The deepest parts of her heart questioned why she was not beside him at this very moment. As if it proved her view of the cruel nature of the world, her heart held so much confusion: she loved Eren deeply, but she also could not bring herself to accept his bestial self, his unending thirst for blood, or his malcontentment with life.
It has never been more clear to her that Eren was a force beyond human. Humanity could no longer catch up to him. Doubt if it ever would have.
Mikasa, again, came up with no words. She looked at Jean’s knuckles, still painted with Reiner’s blood. Weird. Reiner isn’t healing himself yet, otherwise the blood would have disappeared already. She wiped Jean’s knuckles with her green cape.
“Oh.” Jean was not expecting the act of service. “Captain Levi won’t appreciate you making your cape all dirty.”
“He’s in bandages” was the first sentence she said in a while, making Jean laugh softly. In the dark, the blood stains on her cape hardly showed.
***
Last year, Mikasa found herself sitting across Sasha’s grave. Connie offered the most beautiful hibiscus and laid it beside the stone. Despite the summer heat, Mikasa and Connie spent an hour with their departed friend.
Mikasa asked, “Can I ask you a question, Connie? It seems every time you and the others are in Paradis, we all visit grave after grave. At this point, I just remind you of all the graves, don’t I?”
Connie laughed but shook his head. “You’re so blunt, Mikasa.” But where would he be, if not beside Sasha? “When I say she and I are friends for a lifetime, I mean that.” His lips crumbled, as tears rolled down his face. Even after all these years. “I mean that, Sasha.”
It was bittersweet, carrying all this love. She allowed herself to shed a tear.
***
Jean and Mikasa looked away from each other. Jean wiped the remaining blemishes from his hand. “I made a mess. I kicked the kid too. I didn’t mean to.”
“It’s fine,” she whispered, but made clear the next thing she said. “I joined Commander Hanji because it’s the right thing to do, even if I l—” She stopped herself.
Jean pinched the bridge of his nose. “You love him, so why are you stopping him?”
“Don’t say it so boldly, Jean!” Mikasa looked back, to see if the others could hear them. But they’re too far. And busy tucking Reiner to sleep.
“If I loved someone so much—” Jean paused. He clicked his tongue and stood up. “I would be by their side.” He left her to go back to the campfire.
Out of his earshot, she asked, “Is that why you came?” No answer, of course. She could never let him hear. Especially when she doesn’t know it herself.