Chapter Text
Chapter 7:
A week had passed since the video incident.
One week since Subaru Natsuki had become, against his will and with no small amount of existential horror, a minor Interknot celebrity under the title "lolimancer."
The nickname had proven distressingly persistent.
Some of the comments on the original video had evolved into entire threads debating whether he was a wholesome big-brother figure or something more sinister, with the general consensus landing somewhere between "confused but well-meaning" and "definitely a weirdo but probably harmless."
Subaru had decided to simply stop looking at the Interknot entirely.
Ignorance, he had discovered, was not bliss. But it was marginally less humiliating.
It was a Saturday morning. The sun was warm but not oppressive, filtering through the windows of Random Play in soft golden beams. The store was technically open, but Sixth Street was quiet, and the bell above the door hadn't chimed in over an hour.
In the staff room, Subaru lay sprawled on his cot, one arm draped over his eyes, the other hanging limply off the edge. His butler's vest was somewhere on the floor. His tracksuit—his day-off clothes—was rumpled in the way of someone who had decided that horizontal was the only acceptable position for the foreseeable future.
Beside him, perched primly on the edge of the bed with her frilled dress arranged just so, Beatrice was holding his phone. Her small fingers moved across the screen with the careful, slightly suspicious precision of someone who still fundamentally distrusted the device but had been forced to acknowledge its utility.
"Subaru," she said, not looking up from the screen. "This 'animated entertainment' features a small yellow creature that generates electricity and makes incomprehensible sounds, I suppose. It appears to be engaged in a heated confrontation with a blue turtle-like creature that carries a shell on its back, in fact."
Subaru didn't move his arm from his eyes. "That's the dynamic. Rivals. Frenemies. The eternal struggle between electric mice and water turtles."
"Betty does not understand why the yellow one continues to consume the round spicy food items when they consistently result in its comedic misfortune, in fact. It has experienced this outcome on multiple previous occasions. The definition of insanity, I suppose."
"It's about the journey, Beako. Not the destination. The spirit of the thing."
Beatrice was quiet for a moment, watching the screen as Pikachu—no, the yellow creature—attempted to eat something that was clearly too hot and began running in frantic circles, sparks flying from its cheeks.
"Betty believes she is beginning to understand the appeal, I suppose."
Subaru smiled beneath his arm. "Yeah?"
"Mm. The expression of the accompanying human child—the one with the inexplicable headwear—is that of someone who has long since accepted their role as the straight man in an ongoing comedy, in fact. Betty finds this... relatable."
She's projecting, Subaru thought. Beako is absolutely projecting onto Ash Ketchum. This is the most unexpected character development of the week.
Before he could respond to that somewhat concerning statement, a knock sounded at the door—three quick raps, followed by Belle's voice, slightly muffled through the wood.
"Natsuki! You in there?"
Subaru lifted his arm from his eyes. "Depends! Who's asking? If it's the Interknot police come to arrest me for the crime of existing in public with children, I'm not here!"
"It's me, your landlord. Can you come out? I need a favor."
Subaru exchanged a glance with Beatrice. She shrugged—a tiny, dignified motion that conveyed complete indifference to the manager's needs and a pointed reminder that she was watching her show, thank you very much.
With a theatrical sigh that would have made his father proud, Subaru pushed himself off the cot and shuffled to the door, opening it to find Belle standing in the hallway, already dressed in her outdoor clothes, her blue hair pulled back in a practical ponytail. She looked like she was about to rob a bank. Or, more likely, a boutique.
"You look like you're about to go somewhere," Subaru observed.
"Because I am." Belle's voice was bright, cheerful, and utterly devoid of shame. "I need to run to Lumina Square. There's a sale at one of the boutiques—you know, the one with the cute jackets—and if I don't go now, they'll sell out of my size." She clasped her hands together in a gesture of mock pleading. "So I need you to hold down the fort while I'm gone. Please? Pretty please? With sugar on top?"
Subaru stared at her. "Manager, I say this with the utmost respect, but is this a reason for you to slack off? Because it definitely sounds like a reason for you to slack off."
"I am not slacking off. I am making strategic acquisitions. For my wardrobe. Which is a vital part of my professional presentation." She nodded, as if this made perfect sense. "A manager's appearance reflects on the store. It's called marketing. "
"Your professional presentation as what? A video store manager and also a legendary illegal proxy? "
"Exactly." Belle's grin widened. "Besides, Wise is heading out too. Something about a meeting with a contact. So it's just you and 18!"
From somewhere in the store, 18 let out an indignant "Ehn-nha!" followed by the sound of something being dropped.
Subaru crossed his arms. "So you're just going to leave me here. Alone. With the store. And a Bangboo or 18? "
"Correct!"
"And what if some karen-type of customer shows up?"
"Uh... Then you help them. It's a video store, Natsuki. You've worked here for weeks. You know how to rent tapes. You know the difference between action and horror. You know how to make change."
"And what if something goes wrong?"
Belle tilted her head. "Like what?"
"I don't know. A Hollow opens in the middle of Sixth Street. Someone might rob the place. I could get arrested—" He paused. "Actually, considering my luck, that last one is statistically probable."
Belle patted him on the shoulder. The gesture was warm, maternal, and deeply condescending. "Then I'm sure you'll handle it. You're very resourceful. The lolimancer always finds a way."
Subaru's eye twitched. "I am begging you. Begging you. Stop calling me that."
"No promises!" She was already moving toward the front door. "Thanks, Mr lolimancer! You're the best! Try not to get arrested while I'm gone!"
As before Subaru could utter a single "I hate you"
The bell jingled. The door closed. And then there was silence.
Subaru stood in the hallway for a long moment, staring at the door she had just exited through. Then he turned and walked back into the staff room.
"Beako."
"Betty is watching the animated entertainment, in fact."
"We've been forced to cover for her."
"Betty gathered as much from the conversation, I suppose. The blue-haired girl's voice carries."
"She does that." Subaru dropped onto the cot beside her. "So here's the situation. We're in charge of the store. You're on cartoon duty. I'm on counter duty. If a customer comes in and I don't notice because I'm dying of boredom, you yell."
Beatrice finally looked up from the phone. Her butterfly-like eyes narrowed. "Betty is not a doorbell, in fact."
"You're cuter than a doorbell."
"Hmph." But she shifted slightly closer to him, her shoulder brushing against his arm. "Betty supposes that is acceptable, I suppose. However, Betty reserves the right to continue her animated entertainment uninterrupted."
"Deal."
"And Betty requires snacks, in fact."
"I'll make tea."
"Acceptable, I suppose."
Twenty minutes later, Subaru was behind the counter, idly sorting a stack of returned tapes while 18 swept the floor with mechanical dedication. Beatrice had relocated to a plush armchair in the corner of the store—the one she had claimed as her own after discovering it had the optimal sunlight-to-shadow ratio—where she could continue watching cartoons while still maintaining a clear line of sight to Subaru.
"The yellow creature has now acquired a companion," she announced. "A small pink creature with similar vocal limitations and a tendency to float, I suppose. It appears to be capable of teleportation."
"Is it also incomprehensible?"
"Entirely, in fact. It communicates primarily through gestures involving its stubby arms."
"Then everything is proceeding as expected. That's the formula. Collect the team, fight the gym, learn the lesson, repeat."
"Betty finds this structure predictable but comforting, I suppose."
Subaru was halfway through alphabetizing the action section—why did people return tapes in the wrong order? Why?—when he heard it.
Not the front door.
The back door. The one that led to the alley behind Random Play.
It opened with a distinctive creak—the kind of creak that said "I have not been oiled since the previous administration and I am making that everyone's problem." Followed by footsteps. Two sets of them. Heeled. Deliberate.
Subaru's hand moved instinctively toward his hip before he remembered he wasn't wearing his Guiltywhip.
Day off. Right. Of course. The one day I leave my whip in the staff room is the day something happens.
"Beako," he said quietly. "Stay there."
"Betty was not planning to move, in fact." She didn't look up from the phone, but her posture shifted—just slightly. Her small fingers tightened on the device. Ready.
The footsteps grew closer. A figure emerged from the back hallway into the main store—
And Subaru's brain promptly short-circuited.
She was tall. Strikingly so. Long black hair cascaded down her back like a waterfall of ink, and her crimson eyes swept the store with a mixture of curiosity and barely contained excitement. She wore an elaborate white corset-style dress with layered ruffles and a high slit that was probably illegal in several districts, paired with a vibrant red bolero jacket with dramatic ruffled sleeves that looked like they belonged on a stage. Gold and jade accessories glittered at her throat and in her hair—including a star-themed hairpin that caught the light and scattered it in fragments across the dusty shelves.
Everything about her screamed celebrity.
Everything about her presence in a dusty video store on Sixth Street was completely, utterly, hilariously incongruous.
Behind her, a second woman followed with the fluid, watchful grace of a predator who had long since stopped pretending to be prey. She was blonde, her hair styled in a short wavy bob with a braid on one side—practical, elegant, no-nonsense. Her lilac eyes were sharp and assessing, cataloguing every exit, every shadow, every potential threat in the room. A white sleeveless top with a high collar was accented by a black harness and tie that somehow managed to look both fashionable and tactical. Form-fitting black pants with various straps and buckles. A flowing black cape with a vibrant red lining and gold accents draped over her shoulders, swaying with each deliberate step.
She moved like someone who had already mapped every exit in the room, calculated the threat level of every occupant within it, and decided that Subaru rated somewhere between "minor inconvenience" and "not worth the bullet."
Subaru knew these women.
Not personally—he wasn't that important—but he'd been in New Eridu long enough to recognize them. The first was Astra Yao, the "The Queen," a celebrity so famous that her face was on billboards across the city, so famous that even someone who had spent the last several weeks fighting monsters and trying not to die could pick her out of a crowd.
The second was Evelyn Chevalier, her ever-present bodyguard and manager, known for her icy professionalism and rumored to be lethally dangerous. Very lethally dangerous. Probably-could-kill-you-with-a-spoon lethally dangerous.
Okay, Subaru's internal monologue began, already spiraling, okay, okay, okay. Famous person. Very famous person. Very famous person with—
His gaze, entirely of its own accord, dropped.
HOLY SHIT she is—with a very prominent—no. Stop. Look away. Look at her face. Her face is safe. Her face is where normal people look.
He jerked his eyes upward.
Astra's crimson eyes met his. She smiled, completely unaware of his internal crisis.
Good. Good. Face. Looking at face. Everything is fine.
Then his gaze, betraying him like a traitorous dog, drifted sideways.
To Evelyn.
Specifically, to the way her black pants fit. The way the straps and buckles drew attention to—to—to completely irrelevant details that Subaru had no business noticing.
Hips? his brain supplied unhelpfully. No, that's—that's the waist. God damn—
He looked at the ceiling.
The hell is wrong with you, Subaru Natsuki! Stop oogling at them! Quick avert gaze. The ceiling is safe. The ceiling has no anatomical features. The ceiling is not going to make me feel like a complete degenerate.
Evelyn's lilac eyes flicked toward him. Her expression didn't change—still that cool, assessing professional mask—but something in her posture shifted. Slightly. Almost imperceptibly.
Welp, Subaru thought, his soul preparing to leave his body. She definitely knows. I've been in this room for approximately four seconds and I've already been mentally catalogued as a threat. Or a pervert. Possibly both.
He forced his gaze back to Astra's star hairpin.
Sparkly, yeah focus on that. The hairpin is sparkly. Focus on the sparkly. Sparkly things are safe.
Actually a question stands, his internal monologue continued, now pivoting desperately away from his own shame, what in the actual—how does manager know these people? Is this normal? Is this what being a legendary Proxy gets you? Celebrity drop-ins on Saturday mornings? Unannounced, uninvited, just—"oh, let's pop by some manager's video store and see if anyone is home"? His thoughts then stopped when Astra is about to utter a word
"Wisey~!" Astra called out in a sing-song voice, her heels clicking against the floor as she swept into the store like she was making an entrance on a red carpet. "Your favorite chaotic fried rice is here~!"
Subaru's thoughts ran rampant I'm living with a harem protagonist. I'm living with a harem protagonist and I didn't even notice. Wise is a harem protagonist. That's the only explanation. That's the only logical explanation for why a literal celebrity is standing in Random Play calling him "Wisey" with that tone of voice. Before he could continue his thoughts about wise.
She stopped.
Her crimson eyes landed on Subaru, standing behind the counter with a stack of VHS tapes frozen in his hands like a deer caught in very aggressive headlights. Then they drifted to Beatrice, seated in her armchair with Subaru's phone held in both hands, a tiny yellow electric mouse frozen mid-spark on the screen.
This was not Wise. This was not Belle. This was a stranger in a rumpled tracksuit and a small girl in a Victorian dress who was staring at her like she had just interrupted something important.
Astra's expression cycled through surprise, confusion, and then—bright, undimmed, genuine curiosity.
"Oh!" She clasped her hands together. "You're not Wisey!"
Subaru's brain, which had been attempting to reboot, finally managed to produce words. "No," he said slowly. "No, I am not. I'm the... substitute. The understudy. The guy who drew the short straw on Saturday morning shift."
Evelyn had stopped just behind Astra, her lilac eyes sweeping the store with professional efficiency. Her gaze lingered on Subaru for a moment—assessing, cataloguing—before moving to Beatrice, then to 18, then back to Subaru. If she recognized him from the video, she gave no immediate indication. Her expression was a masterclass in professional neutrality.
"My apologies," Evelyn said, her voice smooth and controlled, carrying the particular cadence of someone who had delivered a thousand professional apologies and meant none of them. "We were under the impression that the managers would be present. Miss Yao wished to visit unexpectedly. It appears our intelligence was... outdated."
Subaru set down the stack of tapes—carefully, so they didn't topple—and leaned against the counter. "They're both out. Belle's at a sale. Shopping. Wardrobe acquisition. Strategic marketing. " He made finger quotes around the last part. "Wise has a meeting with a contact. Didn't say who. Didn't say where. Just said he'd be back... Later."
"A meeting?" Astra tilted her head, her star hairpin catching the light. "On a Saturday? Wisey works too hard. He never takes breaks. Eve, tell him he works too hard."
"I have told him," Evelyn said. "Multiple times. He does not listen."
"Because he's stubborn. That's his whole thing. He's stubborn and kind and he makes that confused face when you surprise him and it's adorable. "
A confused face, Subaru thought. She called wise's confused face "adorable." In front of her bodyguard. Who didn't even blink.
Harem protagonist. Definitely a harem protagonist. I am living in the same building as a harem protagonist and I didn't even notice because I was too busy being set on fire. What is this some shoujo manga?
"Subaru," Beatrice's voice cut through his internal spiraling. "Betty has paused the animated entertainment, in fact. Should Betty resume, or is this a situation that requires Betty's attention?"
Translation, Subaru thought, "Should I pretend to be just a normal child, or do we need to fight these people?"
"It's fine, Beako. Just... unexpected visitors." He turned back to Astra and Evelyn. "I'm Subaru Natsuki. I'm, uh, a friend of the managers. I've been staying here for a while." He gestured toward Beatrice. "This is Beatrice. She's my—" He paused. How to explain a four-hundred-year-old spirit in a child's body to a celebrity and her bodyguard? "—she's my family."
Beatrice looked up from the phone just long enough to offer a regal nod. "Betty acknowledges your presence, I suppose. You may continue your conversation."
Astra's eyes went wide. "Oh my goodness! She's adorable! And so formal! Like a tiny little queen!" She crouched down to Beatrice's level, her elaborate dress pooling around her on the dusty floor. "I know a thing or two about being a queen, you know. Well, a stage queen. Is what they call me. But you—you're a real tiny queen! What are you watching? Is that a cartoon? I love cartoons! I rarely get to watch them because Eve always says I have schedule conflicts, but—"
"Astra." Evelyn's voice cut through the stream of words like a scalpel. "You're doing it again."
"Doing what?"
"The thing. Where you talk in circles and overwhelm the locals."
"Oh." Astra had the grace to look slightly sheepish. "Am I?"
"A little," Subaru admitted, though he was smiling despite himself.
"Well! It's not every day I meet new people unexpectedly! Usually everyone already knows who I am, which is lovely but also a bit predictable. You're new! You're a variable! I like variables!"
"You like chaos," Evelyn translated. "You're saying you like chaos."
"Chaos and variables are the same thing, Eve. It's called synonyms. "
"Those are not synonyms."
"They are in my world."
Subaru decided, in that moment, that Astra Yao was either the most genuinely chaotic person he had ever met or a world-class actress who had committed so thoroughly to her bit that she had forgotten how to stop. Possibly both. Probably both.
"If I may," Evelyn interjected, her lilac eyes fixed on Subaru with renewed focus. "You said your name is Subaru Natsuki?"
"That's right."
"And you're staying with the managers? For how long?"
"A few weeks now. Since I, uh... since I arrived in New Eridu."
"Arrived from where?"
Subaru's smile tightened slightly. "Long story. Complicated story. The kind of story that requires snacks and a lot of free time."
Evelyn's gaze lingered on him for a moment longer. Then: "You're the one from the video. The one circulating on the Interknot. The 'lolimancer.' "
The word landed like a grenade.
Subaru felt his soul attempt to leave his body through his ears. "You saw that."
"I am a bodyguard. I make it my business to be aware of potential security concerns in the vicinity of my charge. A viral video featuring an unknown individual in close proximity to locations Miss Yao frequents would naturally come to my attention."
"That's—that's a very diplomatic way of saying you were doing a background check on a random stranger."
"I prefer 'risk assessment.' "
"Right. Risk assessment. Because that sounds less like something out of a spy novel."
Evelyn's lips curved into something that was almost a smile. Almost. "I am a professional, Mr. Natsuki. Professionals use professional terminology."
She's terrifying, Subaru thought. Absolutely terrifying. And also kind of funny, which somehow makes her more terrifying.
"Oh! The video!" Astra's face lit up with recognition. "Eve showed me! You were walking with all those little girls! It was very sweet! One of them was holding your hand, and one of them was on your back, and you looked so... so..." She searched for the word. "Paternal!"
"I prefer 'brotherly,' " Subaru muttered. "Or 'coincidental.' Or 'I-have-no-idea-why-these-children-attached-themselves-to-me-please-don't-call-the-authorities.' "
"The Interknot seems to prefer a different term." Evelyn's voice was dry as dust. " 'Lolimancer,' was it?"
There it was. The word. Spoken aloud. In the store. By a woman who could probably kill him with a paperclip and a stern look.
Subaru dropped his face into his hands. "It's quite concerning that I am recognized by that nickname. Genuinely. Deeply. Concerning. I have a name. A perfectly good name. 'Natsuki Subaru.' But no, the Interknot decided that wasn't interesting enough. They had to give me a title. Like I'm a character in a light novel."
"To be fair," Evelyn said, her voice carrying a hint of dry amusement, "the video itself was rather innocuous. You were simply walking. With children. In a public space." She paused. "The commentary, however..."
"The commentary is the problem! The commentary is always the problem!" Subaru lifted his head, his expression caught somewhere between exasperation and genuine despair. "I was just taking a walk! With my Beako! Because she wanted fresh air! And then my co-worker needed help buying a plushie for her collection, and a friend's feet hurt—"
He stopped.
"Actually, explaining it makes it sound more worse than I intended, isn't it?"
"Marginally," Evelyn said.
"It's adorable! " Astra countered. "You're like a... a... what's the word? A chick magnet! But for small children! A small-chick magnet!"
"Okay if you phrase it like that. That's absolutely so worse."
"It's a little better!"
"What is 'a little better' in you point-of-view?!"
Beatrice, who had been watching this exchange with the detached interest of a cat observing a particularly chaotic flock of pigeons, finally spoke up. "Subaru. The yellow creature has now begun to cry, and the blue-shelled creature is attempting to console it, in fact. Betty finds this unexpectedly moving, I suppose."
"Just let it play, Beako. The emotional beats are important for character development."
"Betty intended to, in fact. Betty was merely providing a status update, I suppose. In case you were concerned about the narrative progression."
"I was not concerned, but I appreciate the update."
"You are welcome, in fact."
Astra drifted closer to Beatrice's armchair, peering at the phone screen with undisguised curiosity. "Oh! What show is this? The animation style is very cute! Is that a... what is that? A lizard? With an onion?"
"It is a yellow creature of indeterminate species, in fact," Beatrice said, not looking up. "It generates electricity and communicates primarily through unintelligible vocalizations. It frequently experiences comedic misfortune involving spicy food items, I suppose. This is a recurring theme."
"That sounds delightful! "
"It is... adequate, in fact. The blue turtle creature provides sufficient contrast in personality to maintain engagement, I suppose."
Beako is giving a film review of Pokemo to a literal celebrity, Subaru thought. And here I am stuck with that hellhole of a title!
Astra was now fully crouched beside Beatrice's chair, her crimson eyes fixed on the phone screen with the intensity of someone who had discovered a new obsession. "The yellow one is very expressive! Look at those cheeks! Are those... are those pouches?"
"They are electrical sacs, in fact. The creature stores electricity within them for defensive purposes, I suppose. This has been established in earlier episodes."
"That's so cool! I want one! Eve, can I have one?"
"Living creatures are not accessories, Astra."
"I meant merch, Eve."
Subaru decided that he liked Astra Yao. She was chaotic, yes. Overwhelming, yes. The kind of person who probably drained the social battery of everyone in a five-meter radius. But it felt genuine. Not performative. Not calculated. Just... a person who was genuinely excited about everything and saw no reason to hide it.
And Evelyn—despite her intimidating presence, despite the way she assessed every room like she was calculating firing lines—clearly cared about her charge deeply. The way she positioned herself between Astra and the door. The way her eyes tracked every movement. The way her hand rested casually near a seam in her cape that probably concealed a weapon.
How big—, Subaru thought. Subaru Natsuki, focus!
"So," Astra said, turning away from Beatrice's phone with visible reluctance, "how did you end up here? At Random Play, I mean. If you're a butler—" she gestured at Subaru's rumpled tracksuit "—why are you living in a video store?"
Subaru blinked. "How did you know I'm a butler?"
"Your vest." Astra pointed at the garment in question, which was draped over the back of a chair. "That's a Victoria Housekeeping uniform. I recognize the embroidery."
Of course she knows Victoria Housekeeping Co. Considering she herself is a popular songstress.
"I work for Victoria Housekeeping," Subaru admitted. "Part-time. I fill in when they need an extra hand. Which is... often. Ethereals don't care about scheduled shifts."
Astra's eyes widened. "How elegant! A butler who fights monsters! That's like something out of a story!"
"It's less elegant in practice. There's a lot of running. And screaming. Mostly screaming."
"Do you serve tea? I love tea! Eve makes the best tea, but she never lets me have more than three cups because she says the caffeine makes me 'impossible to manage.' "
"You are impossible to manage regardless of caffeine intake," Evelyn murmured.
"I choose to take that as a compliment!"
"So," Astra pressed, leaning against the counter with her chin in her hands, "how did you really end up here? The short version. Eve says I need to work on my attention span."
Subaru sighed. "Short version: I ended up in New Eridu without any connections, money, or citizenship. The managers took me in. I got a job at Victoria Housekeeping to pay them back. I've been here ever since, trying not to die and occasionally failing."
"I didn't know that the manager's took in someone from a far settlement, I believe! That's very sweet!" Astra clasped her hands together. "The managers are such kind people. That's why I like them so much. Well, that and Wisey's adorable confused face whenever I surprise him."
"His... confused face?"
"Don't pretend you haven't seen it! The one where his eyebrows do the—" Astra attempted to replicate an expression that involved furrowed brows, slightly widened eyes, and a mouth that was trying to decide whether to smile. "Like that! It's very endearing. Don't you think so, Eve?"
"Wise has many expressions," Evelyn said diplomatically. "I would not presume to categorize them."
"You absolutely would. You have a whole mental filing system. I've seen it."
"My mental filing system is classified."
"See? This is what I deal with." Astra turned back to Subaru with a conspiratorial smile. "She's very secretive. But she's also the best bodyguard in the world, so I forgive her."
Subaru found himself smiling despite himself. "You two seem close."
"We are!" Astra linked her arm through Evelyn's, who tolerated this with the resigned patience of someone who had long since accepted her fate. "Eve has been with me for years. She's my manager, my bodyguard, my best friend, and my—what's the word? The person who tells you when you're being ridiculous."
"Conscience," Evelyn supplied.
"Yes! That! My conscience! But also my friend. It's a very efficient arrangement."
"Efficient," Evelyn repeated, her tone bone-dry. "That's one word for it."
Beatrice, who had been quietly watching her cartoon throughout this exchange, suddenly paused the video. "Subaru. Betty has completed the first narrative arc, in fact. The yellow creature has learned a valuable lesson about friendship and the blue turtle creature has achieved a state of reluctant mutual respect with its rival, I suppose."
"That's nice, Beako."
"Betty would like to begin the next arc, in fact. However, the metia device is being uncooperative."
Subaru moved toward her, but Astra was faster. She dropped into a crouch beside Beatrice's armchair—her elaborate dress pooling around her on the floor, her star hairpin catching the light—and gently took the phone from Beatrice's hands.
"Here," she said. "Let me see. Devices are always being difficult. That's why we have to show them who's boss." She tapped the screen a few times. "There! All queued up! The next episode should start any moment now."
Beatrice took the phone back with as much dignity as she could muster. "Betty acknowledges your assistance, I suppose. It was... adequate."
"She means thank you," Subaru translated.
"Betty said what Betty said, in fact."
Astra, rather than being offended, looked absolutely delighted. "She's so formal! It's like talking to a tiny aristocrat! I love it!"
"Is she perhaps roleplaying? It's quite... Enjoying to see" Evelyn added.
Beatrice's eye twitched. "It is NOT roleplay, in fact!"
Subary immediately spoke "Sorry, sorry. She's just angy"
"What angy suppose to mean, I wonder!"
Evelyn, who had been observing this exchange with her unreadable expression, spoke again. "The child. Beatrice. She is your family, you said?"
"Yeah." Subaru's voice softened. "She is."
"And she is... always this formal?"
"Pretty much. She was raised in a library!" He paused. "That's not a joke, by the way. That's literally true. But you probably think it's a joke, so I'm just going to stop talking now."
Evelyn's expression didn't change. "I see."
"Are you humoring me?"
"I am... processing."
"That's humoring me."
"Perhaps."
Subaru decided he liked Evelyn too. In a "I respect people who could kill me" kind of way.
The next hour passed in a blur of chaotic conversation.
Astra, having decided that Subaru and Beatrice were "absolutely delightful and must be protected at all costs," proceeded to interrogate them about everything. Where they came from (Subaru deflected with the skill of someone who had been dodging this question for weeks). How they knew the managers (Subaru deflected slightly less skillfully). What Beatrice's favorite foods were (pastries, apparently, though she would only admit to this under duress).
And whether Subaru had ever considered a career in entertainment.
"No," he said, with feeling. "Absolutely not. I am not photogenic. I am not charismatic. I am a tired butler who fights monsters and occasionally sets himself on fire. I am not entertainment material."
"But you have presence! " Astra insisted. "You have that look. You know, the one where you're clearly hiding something tragic but trying to be cheerful about it. That's very marketable!"
"I don't think 'marketable trauma' is the compliment you think it is. Or is this seriously some kind of kink in New Eridu?"
"It is in New Eridu!" She paused "The first part I mean."
Evelyn, meanwhile, maintained her watchful perimeter. She accepted a cup of tea from Subaru—prepared in the back room with the same precision he brought to his butler duties—and drank it while standing near the window, her lilac eyes tracking the street outside. Every few minutes, she would interject with a dry comment that made Astra laugh and Subaru groan.
"So," Astra said, finally, "Wisey really isn't coming back soon?"
"Really not," Subaru confirmed. "He didn't say when his meeting would end. Could be an hour. Could be all day. Could be a metaphor. I don't know."
"How disappointing! I wanted to see his face when I surprised him! His confused face is the best face!"
"You've mentioned the confused face several times now."
"Because it's true! Eve, back me up!"
"Wise does have a particular expression when confronted with unexpected situations," Evelyn acknowledged. "It is... distinctive."
"That's bodyguard for 'he looks like a startled rabbit and it's adorable,' " Astra stage-whispered to Subaru.
"I heard that," Evelyn said.
"You were meant to!"
Subaru laughed. It was strange—when Astra and Evelyn had first arrived, he'd been on edge. A celebrity in Random Play? Her deadly bodyguard assessing him like a potential threat? It should have been stressful. It should have been terrifying.
But somewhere along the way, the tension had dissolved into something almost comfortable.
Maybe it was the way Astra treated everyone like an old friend she hadn't met yet. Maybe it was the way Evelyn's watchfulness felt protective rather than hostile. Maybe it was just the absurdity of the situation—a world-famous diva crouching beside a four-hundred-year-old spirit to help her navigate a cartoon menu.
Whatever it was, Subaru found himself almost disappointed when Evelyn finally said, "Astra. We should be going. Your schedule has a window, but it won't last forever."
Astra's face fell. "Already? But we just got here!"
"We've been here for over an hour."
"An hour is nothing! An hour is a blink! An hour is—"
"Astra."
"Fine. Fine. " Astra pushed herself off the counter with a theatrical sigh. "Duty calls. The Queen must return to her castle. Or at least to her next rehearsal." She turned to Subaru, her crimson eyes bright. "It was very nice meeting you, Subaru Natsuki! And you, Beatrice! You're both wonderful! When I come back to see Wisey, I'll make sure to say hello to you too!"
"Looking forward to it," Subaru said, and meant it.
Astra beamed. Then, without warning, she leaned to hug Beatrice. Even Subaru is dumbfounded at the interaction. Evelyn glanced towards Subaru with a gaze saying "I apologize for this".
"Unhand me! Betty did not permit you to be so casual, in fact!" She protested, while having her cheeks slightly flushed at the sudden embrace
The embrace was warm, unexpected, and smelled faintly of expensive perfume. Then she stopped hugging Beatrice.
"Hmph!" She turned away.
"It's nice to embrace a child!" She turned to Subaru "Tell Wisey I stopped by! And tell him he needs to take more breaks! And tell him—actually, just tell him I said hello. He'll know what I mean."
"I'll..." He's still clearly dumbfounded, but regain composure. "pass that along. Though I reserve the right to edit the message for clarity."
"Clarity is for people who don't have vision! " She released him and swept toward the door, her red bolero swirling behind her. "Come along, Eve! We have places to be and people to dazzle!"
Evelyn paused at the door. She looked back at Subaru, her lilac eyes unreadable.
"Subaru Natsuki."
"Yeah?"
"You're not what I expected."
Subaru tilted his head. "Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"
"It's an observation." A pause. "Take care of your family. And try to stay off the Interknot for a while. The 'lolimancer' discourse will eventually die down. Probably."
"That's the plan. Though I've learned that plans and I have a complicated relationship."
Evelyn's lips curved into something that was almost a smile. Almost. "I imagine they do."
She nodded once—a crisp, professional motion—then followed Astra out the door. The bell chimed behind them. The store fell silent.
Subaru stood behind the counter for a long moment, processing everything that had just happened. Beatrice continued to watch cartoons.
Then he turned to Beatrice.
"Beako."
"Betty does not wish to talk about it, I suppose."
"Did a world-famous celebrity just help you queue up for cartoons on my phone and hugged you?"
"The woman in the elaborate attire was surprisingly competent with the metia device, I suppose. Betty did not accept such indignant way of handling me, I supposed!" Beatrice paused, the video and looked up at Subaru.
"You know Beako. Lying is bad."
"Hmph!" She paused "Betty found her... Tolerable, in fact..."
"That's high praise from you."
"It is, I suppose." She resumed her video. "Subaru."
"Yeah?"
"The gray-haired manager appears to have an unusual number of female acquaintances, in fact. Betty noticed this previously, but the frequency of unexpected visitors is becoming statistically significant."
Subaru dropped into the chair beside her. "You know what, Beako? I think that's just manager's life. Legendary Proxy. Connections everywhere. Half of them seem to be women who find him 'endearing' or 'charming' or want to see his 'confused face.' "
Beatrice was quiet for a moment. Then: "The blue-haired girl's sibling is a harem protagonist, in fact."
Subaru nearly choked. "Where did you learn that term?!"
"The Interknot is a vast repository of information, I suppose. Some of it is... illuminating. Betty has learned many things."
"I'm confiscating your phone privileges."
"Betty would like to see you try, in fact."
Subaru opened his mouth to argue, then closed it. He was too tired to argue with a four-hundred-year-old spirit who had discovered the concept of harem protagonists and decided to apply it to Wise.
"Fine," he said. "But we're having a conversation about your internet usage later. A long conversation. With diagrams."
"Hmph." Beatrice's attention returned to her phone. "Betty makes no promises, I suppose."
On the screen, a small yellow creature—battered, exhausted, but still standing—faced down an opponent twice its size. Its cheeks sparked with defiant electricity.
The blue turtle creature watched from the sidelines, its expression unreadable.
That's it, Subaru thought. That's the dynamic. That's us.
He settled deeper into his chair, let his eyes drift closed, and listened to the sound of his family watching cartoons.
At least the "lolimancer" thing hadn't come up again.
Yeah lying to myself is bad.