Chapter Text
a week had passed since the donkey incident, and wei wuxian’s hiding for his life trying not to die at the young age of 19 at lan wangji’s apartment.
___
3 hours prior
“jiang cheng, close your eyes”
“no.”
“WUH-hyyy???”
“because youre gonna stuff a bright neon pink liquid or some shit into my mouth”
“im not THAT crazy”
“you almost killed the freshmen while doing acrobatics in the dining hall last week for a so called ‘experiment’ because you tried using one of huaisang’s bombs during the climax.”
“well if it helps i have another one of his bombs i can give you”
“at YOUR apartment right?? right??? what’s that lo- wei wuxian im going to hunt you down.”
BOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!
___
wei wuxian was (to say the least) possibly currently on jiang cheng’s list of people he would be planning to execute as number ONE.
but not to worry! he was safe in lan wangji’s apartment watching as said man was studying for whatever upcoming text he had
wei wuxian felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, snapping him out of his fuckass yearning. looking at the caller id, he shoved it right back into his pocket as he heard a robotic voice.
“voice mail: WEI WUXIAN IM GOING TO HUNT YOU DOWN AND I WILL NOOTTT STOP UNTIL THE DAY I GET MY REVENGE ON YOU. STOP HIDING IN YOUR FUCKING SO CALLED “PLATONIC” BOYFRIEND’S HOUSE BECAUSE GUESS WHO PLANTED 15 BOMBS OUT OF YOUR HOUSE?? ME BITCH.”
oh god.
“…wei ying.”
lan wangji was gazing at him with a look that screamed “hoe what the hell did you do to gauge this typa behaviour from that purple grape colored jiang fatass cheng”
“ookkay so i might’ve blown up his apartment!”
“wei ying.”
“LAN ZHAN LISTEN TO ME I WAS TRYING TO BE KIND-“
“uneeded destruction of private property is not permitted.”
“NEITHER IS JUDGING MY BEAUTIFUL ACROBATIC FELXIBILITY SKILLS!!”
“…”
was wei wuxian being judged by his beautiful buddy? YES. HARD.
is blowing up jiang cheng’s apartment reaalllyyy that big of a deal though? wei wuxian’s answer, no. normal person’s answer? YES THE FUCK IT IS.
stuck in his train of thought, wei wuxian pondered hard on the (very obvious) right thing to do until he heard loud footsteps outside of lan wangji’s apartment. however, he didn’t have much time to react when jiang cheng sent lan wangji’s door flying into nie huaisang’s home with a look of pure rage on his face.
“wei. wu. xian.”
“OH MY GOD XICHEN-GE YOU’VE COME TO SAVE ME!”
“xichen??”
taking advantage of the moment, wei wuxian sprinted out of the apartment like a dog was chasing him like a damn predator.
he ran down the stairs until his legs almost gave out, looking behind him in case jiang cheng was that mad. unluckily enough, jiang cheng (who was less than a metre away) looked like he was about to turn period pad red and steam was gonna come out of his ears. looking back to the front, wei wuxian had decided to run to the only other place where he could seek refuge.
———
“wei wuxian what the fuck.”
wen qing looked up at him from her desk, which was cluttered with notes, human anatomy books, and even more notes. wen ning, who was asleep on the bed — emphasis on the was—, blearily sat up, looked at wei wuxian, and flopped back down.
“wen ning HELP ME jiang cheng wants me dead and he’s on his way HERE.”
“I LIVE TWO HOURS AWAY FROM YOU.”
oh rigghtt..thought wei wuxian, who was making his way to flop on the bed with wen ning. too bad though, cause wen qing stuck out her foot and tripped wei wuxian’s fatass. face planting on the floor wasn’t a delightful feeling, not when you were planning to face plant on the damn bed.
“OWWIEEE WHAT THE FUCK?!” whined wei wuxian, (overdramatically) writhing in pain. wen qing looked down on him as if he was a pile of bird shit, which wasn’t too different considering the way he had awkwardly landed. looking up at wen ning, he quickly gathered himself and kowtowed to her.
“PLEEAASSEE LET ME STAY!”
“no.”
wen ning sat back up, rubbed his eyes, and decided to finally contribute to the debate of letting wei wuxian stay at their house.
“mrghhhphhhrhlethmstiy”
“didi what the fuck are you saying.”
“he’s OBVIOUSLY saying to let me crash for a while!!!”
wei wuxian — who had somehow decoded wen ning’s god awful “i just woke up” voice — decided that the best way to prove his predicament was by having wen qing call jiang cheng.
wei wuxian you stupid fuck that is a horrible idea.
“hello? jiang cheng?”
“WHERE THE FUCK IS WEI- oh yeah whats good aha”
“wow he really is out for yo-“
“WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO. WEI WUXIAN I HEAR YOU GIGGLING CAUSE YOU’RE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW WHO GIGGLES LIKE A HIGH SCHOOL GIRL TRYING TO BE PETITE.”
“I AM PETITE!!!”
“NO THE FUCK YOU’RE NOT. YOU BETTER BE RUNNING AGAIN CAUSE IM OUT FOR YOU.”
“FUCK!”
———
“YOYOYOYOO CUH I CAN EXPUHLAINUHHH”
wei wuxian waved his hands around like he was performing a hex whilest backing away from jiang cheng, who held a damn whip in his hands whilst slowly walking towards wei wuxian as boss fight music started playing.
“WHERE THE FUCK DID THE MUSIC COME FROM?!?!?!”
looking behind jiang cheng, wei wuxian noticed a marching band, in which the drummers seemed just as mad as his brother considering that one of them somehow tore through the fucking drums. looking behind him, jiang cheng casually waved them off like this was a common thing, which wouldn’t be shocking considering the lengths jiang cheng goes to make people fear him.
“wait, why was i mad again?”
“BECAU- oh uhm aha i don’t know!!”
“huh. oh well, i’ll just sort things out cause one of us is a boss bitch and it is certainly NOT you.”
“uh huh..”
———
“cheng cheng!! why’re you calli-“
“im coming for you.”