Chapter Text
April
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There are many things I don’t understand about life, many questions that I have that may never be answered.
One of them that I can’t seem to shake, that continues to haunt me, is how I swear I can feel her presence near me sometimes. I’ll wake up in a sweat from a nightmare I’ve had a thousand times, and suddenly I can sense her, as if she’d taken up residence in my bed, yet it remains painstakingly empty.
Would I meet up with her if she reached out to me? In an instant, with no hesitation. I have no doubt in my mind that I would cherish making that happen. I’d meet her anywhere. I’d meet her any morning, on a beach as the sun peaked over the horizon, spreading hues of yellow and orange to dance against the surface of the ocean. I’d meet her on a deserted dirt road if she’d just send me a pin to get there. I’d drop everything I’ve ever known to meet her in the middle of the night, letting the light of the stars and moon illuminate my way to her. I’d follow her anywhere, to the ends of the earth, even. I’d climb mountains, I’d trek through deserts, I’d wade through swamps.
If only I knew where she was.
My heart has been empty for so long. It isn’t even for a lack of trying. There’d been others. Other attempts at moving forward, creating a life with another human being.
In the end, they aren’t her. I can hear her voice tenderly whispering to me. I can see her, clear as day, her smile bright, her azure orbs light and shining with happiness.
Then she disappears, like a ghost dissolving into the chill of the night. She was never really there, logically I know that, but she seems so real. But I want her back. I want her essence, I want her entire being, I want her in all her glory… the pieces of her. All the pieces I cherish, because I do, sincerely, cherish them all. Even the pieces I am yet to understand or know about, the shards that are sharp and cutting, every facet of her, I want them all.
I often think back to when we were young. When we had a chance at something. The moments we had, the moments we could have had if I hadn’t fucked it up. The future we could have had. The beautiful symbiotic relationship that could have blossomed if only I’d been brave enough. If I would have followed my heart and soul.
My forever broken heart. My heart can only be healed by her. Nothing is enough.
Destined to be alone. My heart is empty, devoid of love, devoid of the hope of being encompassed by its true owner, the one I would happily pull the beating organ from my own chest for.
I just want her back.
I can only hope that one day I will find her again.