Chapter Text
Masami was gone. After everything happened with Aragaki, she ran away from the dorm. The rest of the group decided to give Masami her space, seemingly forgetting that she was 11 years old. Thankfully, Kotone was able to find help in Fuuka, Junpei, and Makoto while searching for Masami. She understood that Masami probably had things she needed to work through but Kotone couldn't in good conscience let a kid, especially one she cared about, be all alone in a cold city.
After hours of scouring the city, it got too late to keep searching and the four companions went back to the dorms before the dark hour could fall. Mitsuru was waiting for them when they returned, and the four were met with a harsh lecture of the dangers of going out so close to the dark hour. The others turned in for the night but Kotone wasn't able to shake the thought of Masami being all alone during the dark hour. After tossing and turning for some time, she decided to continue the search. Kotone knew that she couldn't use the main entrance, so she snuck down to the second floor and entered Masami's room.
It was a lot messier than she remembered it being the last time she was there. Oddly enough, there were milk cartons strewn about the room, which explained why Masami always seemed to smell a little bit like sour milk, and why the milk in the dorm fridge always vanished after two days. Kotone figured she should clean up Masami's room before she got back, just so she would have one less thing to deal with on her return, but as she went about cleaning she found what looked like a note next to the milk carton on her bedside stand. Kotone felt a little guilty for reading it, knowing that it probably wasn’t for her, but maybe it'd mention where she went.
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If you're reading this, it's probably after October 4th. I know you're mad at me about Aragaki, but I couldn't let him get away with it. What he did was unforgivable. If you're wondering why I didn't stop with killing him, then I'll try to explain. Living was impossible once mom died. The only thing that stopped me from ending it then and there was knowing that if I did, the person who killed mom would get away with it. I know that you're all probably mad at me, but I still want to thank you for making these past few months the best I've had since mom died. Even if you all were just doing it because you had to. Yukari, I'm sorry for stealing your fashion magazines. They're in the bottom drawer of my bedstand if you want them back. That's the least I can do to repay you. Whenever I felt bad about myself and my gross body, I'd always find myself hoping that some day I could be could be as pretty as you. So thank you for giving me a goal to hope for, even if I never got to achieve it. Junpei, thanks for being nice to me, even though you didn't know me very well. Akihiko, I've always looked up to you. I know Aragaki meant a lot to you but I hope you can forgive me someday. Mitsuru, thank you for letting me be a part of S.E.E.S. It felt nice to be useful. Fuuka, you were always kind to me, even though I didn't deserve it. I could tell you weren't just obligated to be around me, but you actually cared. And finally, Kotone. I can't ever put into words what you did for me. If it weren't for you, I would've died without ever really knowing who I am. So don't blame yourself for not stopping me. Nobody except mom could have, and Aragaki's the reason she can't. You remind me a lot of her. You two look similar, but it's more than that. You cared about me more than anyone has since mom died. You were able to tell something was wrong when nobody else could, and you helped me understand it. I know that nobody else will miss me that much but, selfishly, I hope you will. So don't worry, I'm not hurting anymore and I'm finally back with my Mom. Everything will be okay again.
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…this couldn't be real. She could not lose someone else. She'd already lost her parents. She already lost Makoto for years when the Shiomi’s adopted her. She just lost Shinjiro. Losing Masami on top of all that would be too much. She was 11 years old. Kotone couldn't let her go through with it. There was still time. There had to be.
She used the sheet rope Masami had made to reach the ground from her window. When they were searching earlier, they had neglected to check the Tatsumi Port Alley. Given everything that had happened, it'd make sense if Masami had been drawn to it. People tended to be drawn to places where their lives changed. That's why Kotone usually hung out near the Moonlight Bridge. Often she would find herself walking there whenever she wasn't thinking about where she was going. As if her body was trying to get her to dredge up old memories, looking for something.
The dark hour was coming soon, so she couldn't get on a train. She'd just have to run. She'd also have to remember to thank Yuko for all that endurance training next time she ran into her.
She hadn't spent much time with Aragaki, something she now heavily regretted, but when she had hung out with him, he asked her to look out for Masami. On October 3rd, he also asked Kotone to make sure Masami didn't end up like him. At the time, Kotone didn't know what he was talking about, but she promised nevertheless. Even without the promise, she still would've looked out for Masami. All the promise did was put a bit more pressure on Kotone to ensure that Masami didn't make her last and worst mistake.
The more she thought about that note, the more she began to feel like crying. How had she managed to miss the pain Masami had been dealing with? What would she do if she was too late to save her? She had been able to tell that Masami had been depressed for a while, but she had assumed that it was just the dysphoria getting to her. That's what it had been for her. Maybe that had been her mistake. She had kept assuming that Masami was the same as her. But she was her own person. Kotone had been somewhat selfish, acting as if helping Masami would somehow make up for the fact that she didn't have anyone back then. She did really care about Masami, but to be honest with herself, most of what Kotone had helped her with had been for her own happiness, rather than for the pure reason of helping Masami through the struggle she had been, and to some extent still was, going through. As if it would somehow fix her. It wouldn't. She had been alone, especially after she and Makoto were separated. Almost everyone in S.E.E.S. had been alone for some time in their life. They couldn't change that, no matter how much they wanted to. All they could do was learn how to live for themselves, in the present. Not just be passively alive but choose to live with their full being.
As this occurred to her, she felt something inside of her changing. She couldn't tell what it was. It almost felt like she could see the world in full color for the first time, even though she was surrounded by darkness. As she came to the light of this epiphany, she finally managed to reach her destination.
As Kotone took in deep and shaky breaths, mentally kicking herself for not accounting for her fucked up lungs, she heard what sounded like a person talking to themselves. And as her own breaths became quieter and less desperate for air, she quickly realized that the person she was hearing was Masami. Kotone quickly got up and moved the short distance needed to have Masami within her view. Maybe it was the fact that she was struggling to breathe, but her view of the alley and its contents seemed almost like an oil painting she would see in a museum somewhere. Masami was staring up at the formerly full moon of the dark hour, which acted almost as a spotlight for her. It reminded Kotone of how a stage was lit during a final soliloquy. She just hoped this play wasn't going to be a tragedy.
“...Mom, Shinji, I think I'll be okay now. I have some really nice people looking out for me. So you two don't have to worry about me anymore. I hope you two can wait for me to join you someday. It'll be a while, but if it helps, just know I'll be having a good life while you're up there.” As Kotone listened to Masami speak, she could feel herself tear up a bit. She was relieved in a way beyond belief or articulation that Masami had chosen to live, in spite of everything pushing her towards death as an escape. Now it was possible for Masami to hopefully learn how to go about living.
As Kotone was overwhelmed by her relief, she heard footsteps coming from around the corner, the same direction Masami had been from Kotone as she had listened. Kotone didn't want to scare her right after the wonder she witnessed, so she backed away from the corner Masami was about to round and called out her name. She saw Masami hesitate mid step when Kotone called out, but she eventually chose to continue towards Kotone. When Masami actually rounded the corner Kotone proceeded to walk up to her and, in lieu of words, scooped her into a hug.
Kotone felt at peace for the first time in a long while. She knew that Masami was going to live, and right now Kotone was hugging someone who was oddly warm given that she was wearing shorts during the dark hour, in October. Kotone still wasn't sure how she did it. The girl was like a human furnace. Kotone hugged her a little tighter, hoping that it would communicate what she couldn't put into words.
“Can you let go now, please? You're crushing me,” Masami demanded in a small, breathless voice. Kotone quickly lowered her to the ground and released the vise grip she had on her, sporting an expression made of equal parts shame and concern. Masami took in a big gulp of air to replace what had been squeezed out of her lungs. While she was distracted, Kotone took the opportunity to wipe the moisture from her eyes.
“I'm sorry, I was just so worried. I was having trouble sleeping and then I went to go on a walk around the block and on the way I noticed your door was open and I saw the mess in there so I figured I'd clean it for you when you got back and then I found your note,” Kotone frantically spoke, explaining how she came to be here. Amada's expression shifted towards something like shame. “The others must've missed it but after I read it since I thought you had left a note to tell us where you had gone I ran over here since it was the first place I thought of where you could be that we hadn't already checked,” Kotone continued to ramble at a breakneck pace, kneeling down to follow up with another less suffocating hug.
Masami returned her hug this time, burying her head in Kotone's shoulder. Kotone quickly started to notice a growing dampness on her shoulder. Instead of saying anything about it, she hugged Masami a bit tighter and reassured her that someday, everything really would be okay. It was just a matter of living long enough to see it.