Chapter Text
The world feels very strange to someone when they end up naturally waking at 4 am, especially if on a normal basis, it’d be easier for them to stay up until morning than rise early. A person might wonder how that happened, and then remember...
Oh.
Opening her eyes in her dark room, things slowly came back to her as she listened to Rui breathe deeply in his rest. Mizuki had woken up so early because she’d gone to sleep in the early afternoon, woke up a little bit, then fell back asleep. The reason she had gone to
bed so early...
It was all fuzzy around the edges, but she remembered the rooftop. Being so ready, even excited for any kind of ending at all, and then Kamishiro Rui appeared and messed it all up. Reality itself would have to restructure itself to make her want to live.
Now she had to. Stupid Rui, for stupid caring.
When she shifted around in her bed, another reminder of the previous day announced itself via aching pain in her arm. Right. Thinking it wouldn’t matter because she was going to be gone anyhow, she’d gone too far in a place far too visible and hadn’t had time to take care of it. Gross. She was gross.
As quietly as she could, she went to the bathroom and took out some first aid supplies to deal with the gashes on her left forearm, deeper than usual. It would show if she wore short sleeves long after it healed, which would be ugly. This stupid body was a cage that no matter how much she tried, she couldn’t cut her way out of. Considering the scars, she clearly tried very hard.
Nothing was truly fun anymore, so if pain was what gave her some kind of thrill, then so be it. Facing things was too hard, so she was just...giving herself a small problem to deal with that could be dealt with. (And God, it felt good, even if that felt sick to admit.) Running away into pain worked as much as it made things infinitely worse.
Like any addiction, the longer it went on, the more was needed to get the same effect, so by now she was getting careless. The girl made promises to herself over and over. Just once, not on her arms, not hard enough to bleed, only when she felt it was actually necessary, she would stop soon. Every one made had broken eventually, so she stopped making them.
Soaking a cotton ball in hydrogen peroxide, she braced herself for the sting, but still took in a sharp breath. Why’d it fizz like that, anyway? Rui might know. The pain was so much worse once she’d cleaned the cuts out, the unhealed flesh hurt like hell. Good. A bandage was wrapped around the whole mess, plain and tight.
What’s a few more?
It was an intense craving, but what if the boy woke up and found her? The girl managed to resist. Later, she could do whatever she wanted.
Back in her room, Rui was still very asleep, and he looked peaceful.
She could still feel the way the metal fence moved when he started trying to physically reach her. Stepping down, him catching her...and then nothing. The rest of her memory before waking up was a black hole. Maybe that was for the best.
Mizuki opened her phone and read some nonsense from a groupchat of online friends she only kind of cared about. It was a regular thing for someone to completely crash out. It was also a regular thing to play Minecraft together. They were cool, though; she’d found some good anime recommendations through these people. Closing Nightcord, she opened her preferred manga pirating website.
Was it worth everything else? A few days ago, while spiraling, Mizuki came to the conclusion that suffering was the natural resting state of practically everyone she knew. Something good happened, it distracted you with fun; life went back to bad, over and over, and over again, with no end in sight.
At one point, she’d made edits of this manga every time a new chapter dropped, and while internet validation didn't mean much to her, but the fans had loved her for it. Editing...hadn’t been any fun lately.
The girl squinted as sunrise began showing through windows, vibrant, pink and yellow. Carefully stepping around Rui in his nest of blankets, she opened the window and stared at it.
The sky and clouds were breathtaking, the colors blurring into each other as if they were paint, the sun glowing in the sky.
A small part of her thought that maybe if the world was this beautiful, she could one day love being in it. If that was true, she’d appreciate it if “one day” would come sooner.
She didn’t hear any movement from anyone else in the house for hours, hours in which she got up to a bunch of non-productive bullshit. It was amazing how fast the time flew when you did nothing instead of the homework you didn’t think you’d have to do. Come to think of it, she hadn’t studied at all for her stupid literature test. The assumption had been that she wouldn’t be there to take it. Nevermind, the world sucked.
But also in the world was the boy sleeping on the floor...and her family members. Her sister, who’d encouraged her to be herself since forever, and her mom whose love had never wavered or changed throughout everything. Emika didn’t speak much to her own parents much anymore, because of how they’d treated her younger daughter. Mizuki was more important to her. And then her dad, who was fun and an absolute nerd. What would they have done, if yesterday went differently, she wondered. Too-vivid images were coming into the girl’s brain.
The school would have called about her body, and her mom would collapse to the ground and cry, because she’d know. She would have blamed herself, they all would.
Mizuki shook her head and let out a shaky breath. She was not thinking about it.
And if yesterday had been her last...
“I would have followed you down.”
Rui hadn’t said that as if he was trying to shock her. It was what he believed, what was sure to happen with her gone. The idea of him...didn’t he know? He had things to do with that stupid brilliance of his.
The girl only vaguely remembered their argument a few days before. Every word was true of her as much as her companion, barring the specifics.
Yuuki was under the impression that Mizuki had stopped hurting herself, because Mizuki had promised her that she’d tell her when she did anything and then stopped telling her after three incidents. Lying by omission. Because she didn’t really want to stop, either. Once again, Akiyama Mizuki and Kamishiro Rui were hypocrites trying to convince each other that life was worth living. In other news, grass was usually green, and two and two still made four.
Her friend began to stir, eyes blinking half open. She knelt beside him and started repeatedly poking him on the shoulder. “Wake up. I’m bored...” In response, he rolled away from her and said, “Mhmphm,” which was not actually a response.
“C’mon!” Maybe she should just let him sleep. He probably hadn’t rested well. But she was bored, and really really didn’t want to be left alone with her thoughts, which kept shifting between daydreams of her dying and abstract thoughts about the book for literature that she hated. (She wanted to rip her skin off and for a sink hole to open in the earth below her and also go back in time to kill that author. Or stop her parents from having a second kid. Whatever worked.)
“I’m awake...” said the boy, eyes barely open and words slurring like he was drunk. “Give me a second...” It was several seconds until he actually opened his eyes all the way. “It is far too early for this...”
“Not that early.” She smiled when he sat up, and he smiled back, then yawned. Rui stood up, a blanket still wrapped around him. “How’d you sleep?” If she kept him talking about stupid things, he wouldn’t ask her serious questions she didn’t want to answer. Not yet. That was inevitable.
“I slept just fine...also, your family likes me. And my mother very much likes talking to yours. She came to bring my pajamas and things, and stayed until...why, I think I fell asleep before she left.” He was wearing a light blue pajama top with pants that matched, and they looked very cozy. Mizuki didn’t remember changing, but obviously she had, considering she was wearing hoodie and sweatpants. Soft, but not particularly fashionable.
“Yeah, parents are like that.” Parents were strange creatures who saw one person in a store and just had to spend fifteen minutes talking to them, forcing their poor teenage child to endure prolonged being out in public. Urgh. “Do you want to go downstairs and watch TV or something like that?”
He seemed to perk up at that idea. “May I perhaps choose the show.” Now he looked all devious. Oh no. What had she gotten herself into by suggesting that they watch something? The boy began giggling.
“...What are you thinking?” She made her voice more suspicious than she actually felt. For the bit, for the show, or whatever. Damn, Rui had really rubbed off on her.
“Popular children’s cartoon, created by Dan Povenmire and Jeff “Swampy” Marsh, ran from 2007 to 2015 on the Disney channel, very beloved, one of the best television series of all time in my humble opinion...” he flapped his hands, then leaned closer to her face and pat her on the head. “It’s finally time for you to watch Phineas and Ferb.”
Well then, it was time for her to watch Phineas and Ferb. Mizuki just hoped that she’d like it. “Fine. I did like those songs. No clue what was going on with those robots, though.”
Rui waved his hand dismissively. “Ah, Chloe only appears in Love at First Byte. Norm is one of my favorite characters, shame that couldn’t have ended better for him...” As anyone would expect, he was taking this show more seriously than the creators probably did. While they walked downstairs, he continued chattering away, but she could still sense concern in the occasional glances. He was thinking about yesterday just as much as she was. Once they got downstairs, he paused and yawned again. “Do you have any energy drinks...coffee will do as well, but its less efficient. Also, I don’t care for it.”
“Yeah. Me, Yuuki ‘n Mom drink them a lot, even though Dad worries about it. They’re in the fridge. I’ll be on the couch.”
At this time yesterday, she’d been fully prepared to die. Now she was going to watch a strange cartoon with her strange friend. Funny how things worked out. When Rui returned with a pink can (dang it, that was her favorite...) he put it on a side table, then pressed his hands together like a cartoon villain. “It’s time, Mizu....oh, would you like it with subtitles and the original audio, or-”
“Yes.” She watched with detached amusement as he struggled to figure out how the remote worked. “Do you want me to do that?”
The boy shook his head. “No...I assure you, I have this handled.” He then failed for the third time to turn the TV on. “Actually yes, you do it,” he said sheepishly. “The remote has bested me.” In about thirty seconds, she turned it on with ease, and he told her where to find the show, the couch cushions moving as he rocked back and forth.
They were currently in an uncanny space of the morning, with her dad at work, her mother probably working in her room, and Yuuki still asleep, so it felt earlier than it really was. Or maybe it felt like that because neither of them woke up early when given a choice. Whatever the reason, nothing really felt real and the sky through the windows was still waking.
The episode started and Rui sang the theme song under his breath. Watching her friend watch the show was really entertaining, especially as he mouthed the words the characters were saying. “Man. Phineas is being kind of a bitch.”
“This is true. However, he only is like that in Rollercoaster and is different in every other episode.”
Mizuki was surprised that the glass in the windows didn’t break from the frequency of the shriek Rui made upon Perry’s transformation into a secret agent. “Haven’t you seen this before?"
“Yes. Many times. Not recently. But shh...listen.”
What surprised her even more was how much she laughed. Not because she didn’t trust Rui’s sense of humor (okay, that was kind of a factor), but because nothing had made her laugh recently, or feel anything at all, but this...
She might not have gotten to have this.
The certainty that nothing was worth it anymore was challenged by a baffling cartoon. But then, wasn’t this just another distraction? Something good before things went back to default? The default didn’t matter right now, not as much as the bright colors on the screen and the person next to her and the sunrise...
The credits played on the first episode, and everything seemed to crash upon her, the good and the bad. Life and death and a stupid teal platypus and the very existence of music and someone was hugging her now and she let him.
He made shushing noises of comfort and traced circles on her back and let her weep. It felt good to feel anything at all, when apathy had nearly taken her.
Did she ever want to die? Or could she just not bear living in a world where it felt like she could never be herself? Where nothing would change?
“S-sorry. I don’t know why I was crying...” she smiled through her tears. “I...really like the show so far.”
Rui ran his fingers through her hair, which tugged a little. Right, she’d been forgetting to brush it a lot lately. It still looked better than his. “Oh, I know you liked it, you were...smiling. And crying makes sense with everything...I usually don’t know why I cry every time I do. So that’s alright.” They left the embrace, with Rui keeping his arm around Mizuki.
“Next episode?” Today was going to be a horrible, wonderful nothing. She had to stay silly, though, so maybe everyone would just forget what had happened and leave her alone. Which was definitely not what was going to happen, but she could hope.
“Absolutely.”
In the midst of a bit that was going on way too long to be funny, voices from upstairs tangled with the show, which was momentarily paused.
“Mom, I’ll be late! Why didn’t you-“
“Calm down, Yuu, my dear…”
“But-”
“You don’t have to go today. There’s a gas leak.”
“Of course I have to-wait, really?”
“Yes, yes.”
“Yay! I’m going back to bed.”
The younger sister sighed, not looking forward to facing Yuuki when she woke back up. “Why’d you tell her?”
Without looking at her, Rui said, “Perhaps it was an invasion of your privacy, but if you didn’t want her to know, you shouldn’t have done it in the first place.”
Right. Her actions had consequences.
The pain was still so molten that all she could do to not continue crying was harden herself, but her sister would surely see right through, so molten that she already wanted to tear herself open again so it could leak out and swallow her up, harmless to everyone but its source.
“Also, I don’t know if there was any good excuse for the state we were in, or at least I certainly couldn’t have come up with one.”
The boy’s face twisted. Probably remembering yesterday.
Suddenly aware of her too-alive heartbeat, it was as if every thump was your fault your fault your fault.
The show was unpaused before she could say anything.
Was he mad at her? His behavior didn’t feel like he was mad, but you never could tell with people.
Rui recited along with the show. “A platypus?” The platypus in question put on his hat. “Perry the platypus?” Then he turned to her, and said seriously, “Remember that. It’s a reoccurring joke, and versatile for making references.”
“I’ll remember it.”
This show was so fucking good. It was too bad she could never get cool stuff shown to her under better circumstances, but no, it was always after someone collapsed or was about to lose it or…tried to kill…
Poor Doofenschmirtz, forced to be a lawn gnome. Poor Mizuki, who escapism was only barely working for. A few episodes later though, she was feeling better, only to once again get nervous when she heard footsteps coming down the stairs. Yuuki.
“Goomorninh…” she turned around to see her sister, wrapped in a pretty bathrobe, eyes half open. “Making coffee for me and mom…do you want any…”
“No thank you.” Rui didn’t look. “I am sufficiently caffeinated.” It wasn’t clear to her whether he was tapping his leg because of the 200 milligrams of caffeine hitting his system or if he was really into the show.
Mizuki shrugged. “Do we still have the good creamer?” The good creamer was the kind that made the bitter drink taste like sugar and milk and chocolate instead of bad water. Plus, creamer cooled it down enough to drink straight away. Both her parents drank it straight up, which was insane.
“Yeah,” Yuuki yawned. “I’ll make enough, then...” her own pink curls were in tangles. The coffee machine whirred, grinding beans. Annoyed, her friend paused the show and covered his ears.
“There has to be a way to make that quieter...” he mused under his breath. “I should...” He frowned, then stopped talking. Only a moment later, the noise stopped, replaced by the softer sound of liquid dripping into the coffee pot.
“It all started on the day of my actual birth. Both of my parents failed to show up.”
The purple-haired boy giggled.
She tilted her head. “So what, did he just spawn?”
“I suppose. I’m sure they showed up for Roger’s birth.” There was genuine irritation in the way he said the name.
“Who?”
“Oh, y0u’ll see...” he aggressively sipped from the pink can. Yuuki went up the stairs to give her mom coffee.
The sound of a ceramic mug being gently set onto the side table let her know of her older sister’s presence. She sat beside Mizuki with her own drink cradled in her hands.
“What’s this?” She asked, a little more alert, her expression wavering a bit. Yesterday.
“Phineas and Ferb!” Rui said, looking like he wanted to elaborate very much, but he showed restraint.
“Looks fun...” Sleep was still heavy in her eyes. This happened a lot when they were younger, they’d get into the same show at the same time, and she’d drag her sister downstairs, only for her to sleep half the episode.
“Yuu, do you want me to rewind it?”
“Mhm, it’s fine...I was just...closing my eyes...listening to it like a podcast...”
That was not true, and she always ended up having to catch up by herself. She never minded too much. Huh, what did only children like Rui even do?
Warm, but not hot coffee went down her throat, silken and comforting. Familiar.
Don’t cry.
When her mother came down the stairs, Mizuki mouthed “Does she know?” at Rui, who shook his head.
“Good morning, kids.” Akiyama Emika was not a fan of the morning either, still in pajamas; deep pink curls pulled into a frazzled ponytail. She glanced at the TV. “How long have you been watching cartoons?”
They all shrugged. “Over an hour?” Her older daughter suggested.
The woman laughed. “Sounds fun! I have to work from home most of the day, but I could make breakfast if you’d like.”
“Oh, Mom, that’s so sweet! But no, we’ll just grab stuff!” Mizuki nodded in agreement with her sister, because nobody wanted to hear the smoke alarm screech and have to open the windows to the cold of a winter morning.
Emika gave them a thumbs up, leaning over on the couch behind the three. “Today’s a good day for a day off. So cold...but remember to keep up with everything.” It was lucky that Mizuki was allowed to stay home as often as she did. Most people just had to go; most people just made themselves go when it felt like walking into a burning building. Being reminded of homework was still annoying.
Living was annoying as hell. She had a sudden mental image of going upstairs right now and bleeding and bleeding until she passed out and died. It was kind of weirdly comforting to just let the twisted little mind movie continue playing in the back of her head.
“We will...”
Rui looked over at her. “Care to join us?” He was now sitting in a very odd position; half his legs draped over the armrest of the couch. “I’m sure there’s room.”
She sat on the edge of a cushion, barely on, next to Yuuki. “I have time.” she yawned. “It’s going to be a long day after this...” Her mom had deep eyebags. Was it just more awareness of the world around her, or were her parents more exhausted than they were when she was young? When they were all young, when the worst thing to happen at school was getting called weird again, a scratch fixed quick enough with kind words, a kiss, and a trip out for ice cream.
School children pulled out their real claws in fifth grade, and it kept hurting after being comforted, started hurting to look in mirrors, to be around her friends. But then there had been her sister.
People thought the pretty outfits Yuuki made were weird on Mizuki. Her grandmother. Her mom’s opinionated frenemy. People at school most of all.
“What’s next, you’re gonna start wearing dresses?”
The idea of wearing a dress made Mizuki smile inside. There was nothing wrong with boys wearing dresses, anyway. But...Mizuki didn’t want to be a boy wearing cute clothes. Mizuki wanted to be pretty like her sister, who spent so much time designing clothes, matching them with shoes and make up and the like, like the child’s mother seemed to be effortlessly, despite her complaints of gray hair and starting wrinkles. It wasn’t the clothes. It was the way girls seemed to be even when they weren’t all that dressed up
That way, Mizuki though, a person could be free. Mizuki would be...
But was that really okay? Possible, yes, they knew that, but...
Yuuki would know. Mizuki's big sister knew everything.
The child opened the door. “Yuu?”
“Oh, hey! You don’t look too great...did somebody say something?” Of course. Someone always said something. But that wasn’t the problem.
“Um. So...I...” what was this nervousness? Whatever she had to say, Yuuki always listened, every time.
“What’s wrong?”
It all came out in a rush.
“I hate being a boy, it’s all wrong and I wish...I wish...”
A hand with pink polished nails held Mizuki’s. “If you hate it...you don’t have to be one anymore.”
Being recognized Yuuki’s little sister and her parent’s daughter was...amazing.
Quickly, she realized the rest of the world was not as kind. So many people would rather she didn’t exist. People who didn’t even know her. At least she was safe at home; not everyone had that.
“Hey, little sis!” The snapping in front of her face. “What do you want for breakfast?” She blinked. Given that her stomach decided to make everything come up when she was upset, she didn’t really want breakfast, but Rui needed to eat something, and he wouldn’t want to if she didn’t.
“Uh...toast? Or one of the frozen microwave chocolate muffiny things.” Those were so good. If they ever got discontinued at the store, she’d have no choice but to—the girl shook her head. That was not a funny joke to make, even inside her mind only. Way too soon! Nobody found that kind of joke funny anyway, not even Rui. He was still staring intently at the television screen. Her mom was back upstairs. How long had she been zoned out? “Dude. Hi. Kamishiro Rui.” No response. She covered his face with her hand.
“Eh? Yes? What is it?” He wriggled away from her and rubbed his eyes.
“We’re having breakfast.” She stood to go the kitchen where Yuuki had gone, offering her hand.
“Oh.” He took her hand with his cold one. “I’m not hungry.” She gave him a look, and he matched it with a look of his own. “No, really. I get nauseous when I eat in the morning…” The girl continued to stare him down, and he pouted. “Fine. I shall simply endure.”
The microwave in the kitchen was still going, and Rui vocalized along with it, making beeping sounds when it was done.
...Yuuki really made everyone feel safe to be themself, huh.
“For my favorite sister!” Mizuki took a bite. Oh God. Oh no, it was lava temperature on the inside, burning her poor sensitive tongue. The chunk of muffin fell out of her mouth.
“It’s hot!” Her friend and sister were giggling; the boy doubled over. “It’s not that funny! It tried to kill my mouth!” The girl sighed and blew on the baked good, trying to cool it down so it’d taste of chocolate and not burning heat.
Her older sister stifled laughter as she waited for her own to cool down. Softly, she asked, “Hey, Rui. What do you want?” The boy shrugged, rocking on his heels. “We have these yogurt drinks, they’re pretty good...”
Rui gave her a grave-emotional-turmoil smile. “I’ll try one.” She gave him a strawberry banana one out of the fridge, and he studied the label for a minute, face unreadable. He unscrewed the lid and sipped it. “Oh. That's...quite good actually.”
Mizuki smiled. “Come sit with me...” She was observing reality more than being in it, her own voice didn’t feel like it was coming from her throat. “If you want, you can have one of these after, too.”
The boy shook his head. “I didn’t want that.” He did something strange with his face .
“Oh, but you secretly-what did you just do with your eyes?” It looked like he had tried to pop them out of his head.
“I was rolling my eyes at you, Mizu.” When she laughed, he looked confused. “What, what is it?”
“Dude, it’s not like that. It’s like this.” She demonstrated, rolling her eyes at him.
“Ah. I was not aware of that.” Mizuki took a bite of her now normal temperature muffin. It tasted like nothing and her stomach felt weird. “Mizu, are you alright?” He asked quietly.
“What?” She stared at him blankly. Probably not. Come on, she had to come back into reality and banter and laugh and pretend that nothing bad had happened and never would. She had to. “Sorry. Zoned out.” He gave her some sort of look, not believing her, but didn’t push it further.
“Well, I think it’s time we return to sitting on the couch and observing, as they say, peak.” This time, it was him taking her by the hand. Her falseness was used up. It would be great if the sun exploded right now and burnt everything that ever was to a crisp.
.....
Akiyama Yuuki was very, very tired of being responsible. She wanted to be toddler-sized again and go to her mother and cry and cry and cry. Last night she’d cried into her pillow, finally falling asleep from exhaustion. There were so many things to do, too many. There was schoolwork she had to complete on top of everything else. The world was upside down.
The sibling she’d gently held as a baby; the sibling she’d pushed on swings and held the hand of as they crossed streets. The sister she’d spent hours talking to had tried to jump off the rooftop of the middle school.
Yuuki had known that Mizuki sometimes had that thought, but not strong enough to act on it. She hadn’t told her.
If Rui hadn't...
Then she’d have been an older sister with nothing to hold.
Their parents should know what had happened, obviously, but her little sister might not feel the same, so she wouldn’t worry them. Well, unfortunately for her, they’d already been worried for a long time.
And Kamishiro Rui. It wasn’t right to keep his issues a secret. She’d been struggling with that since Kineko had come to pick him up after that day he’d been dragged home. But she hadn’t said anything, not the real reason he hadn’t been feeling well. She knew and didn’t say anything. On the other hand, maybe just quietly helping was the best approach for now. He was having breakfast; he’d eaten the toast and a bit of dinner.
Yuuki was tired of holding everyone’s secrets.
Older sisters are tied to everyone’s hopes and everyone’s fears, so they keep their own to themselves.
.....
“Please. Please. Please. Pretty please, even...” Rui sat on her bed, wearing the change of clothes his mom had brought last night, just some baggy pants and a hoodie with cat ears. It was kind of fun, but the colors didn’t match. “What’s the purpose of having all of these if you’re not going to wear them? Do you just like looking at them hung up in your closet?”
“I wear them sometimes.” as in, inside of her room only. She hadn’t worn genuinely pretty clothes outside for a long while. “I don’t...feel like it today.”
He leaned over, chin resting on his hands. “You’ve stated in the past that the cute things make you happy, correct?” Mizuki reluctantly nodded. “Then...why not?”
The girl shrugged. Of course she secretly wanted to wear the frilly collared shirt with the bows on the cuffs on the sleeves and the heart buttons...ah, she could put the pastel pink jumper over that, some tights...
“You’re smiling.” He gave her a cat-faced smile. “Does my suggestion have some merit?”
“...Yeah. Yeah, it does. Now shoo.” He obliged and left, closing the door behind him so she could change. Luckily the bandage on her arm didn’t show under the sleeve. When she finished and opened the door, he gave an overdramatic gasp.
“My...you’re absolutely stunning.” She shrugged.
“You’re just saying that...” He shook his head.
The boy took her by the hands. “I am absolutely not just saying that. Are you truly not seeing it?” His eyes found the mirror, covered. “Oh. Of course you haven’t.” He straightened his posture and let go of her hands, then tugged his sleeves down, though they already covered everything. Ah. She knew that motion well.
The first time he’d seen her room, his reaction to the sheet draped over it was...odd. It was odd that he thought that it was reasonable, clever even.
“That’s smart. Mirrors are...tricky.”
She’d never asked what that meant for him, what he saw in the glass. Rui was now looking on top of her dresser for something. “What are you doing?”
“Do you have any hair ties? I have an idea.” There were some rubber bands in the bottom drawer, which she retrieved for him, wondering what it was. The boy grabbed the brush off the dresser. “Now, turn around.” With careful attention, she felt him brushing through her tangled hair, humming Perry the Platypus’ theme. While it soothed her, she hoped he was being careful about the curls. Two slight tugs were felt, him tying her hair into pigtails, and for once she wanted to see. Before she could move to slightly move the sheet, he attempted to whip it right off. It kept catching.
“Dude. Let me...” Together, they took it off.
And in the mirror there was a girl with a cute outfit and tired eyes, a best and only friend behind her. She smiled. Her hair was long enough for pigtails! Mizuki hadn’t even noticed that.
“See? Absolutely gorgeous, princess Mizu. Your sister will be happy to see you in higher spirits, I’m sure...” he sighed. “Is she always so overprotective?”
“What do you mean?” Yeah, Yuuki had been hovering more, but that made sense with everything. (It was annoying, though.)
“Not about you, about me. As soon as you were asleep yesterday, she made me eat toast for some reason,” he crossed his arms. “And then, when your father made dinner, she made me eat that too. That was...what I disliked how she acted afterwards, as if I were about to go and vomit. I wouldn’t do something like that in your house. The question is...what exactly does she think of me...” Rui sighed. “And the yogurt drink made my stomach hurt.” He blinked. “Ah...that was a lot to say. And a bad time for it. You don’t need to deal with me right now.”
Mizuki shrugged. (Why the actual hell and fuck did he place the emphasis on in your house?) Also...she kind of agreed with whatever her sister’s motives were. “She’s worried, that’s all. And since she couldn’t do anything about me, she started fussing over you. Sucks that you’re uncomfortable, though.” The boy waved his hand dismissively.
“It’s my fault, and it’s fine, anyhow.” Obviously, it wasn’t fine, but she didn’t ask any further questions, because that might end in an argument. Rui’s phone buzzed and he picked it up. He smirked at the screen. “Hmm…I might be a tad bit awful for finding this so funny…”
She leaned to look at some sort of group chat.” What is it?”
He giggled mischievously. “Seems the individuals I have been forced to work on a group project with all went to a party last night, had little to no fun, then had to run when the police were called. I don’t want to take too much pleasure in the misfortune of others, however...” He laughed again. “Ah, did they forget crazy Kamishiro was in this?” He scrolled up a bit more. “Hm. This was somehow more convenient for them than making a separate chat.”
Mizuki smiled. “Huh. Good thing nobody ever invites us to parties.” Being in this outfit made her feel so much better. Ooh, she wanted to twirl so bad.
She twirled in front of the piece of glass she usually hated. The jumper spun out beautifully.
A dead girl wouldn’t have known this moment, but a dead girl wouldn’t have known she was missing anything anyway, so did it matter?
The two went downstairs, where Yuuki sat doing homework. Her face broke into the first unstressed smile of the day.
“Little sis, you’re actually wearing that jumper! I knew you’d love it.”
Mizuki beamed. “I know! It went so well with everything. And he did my hair in pigtails, see?” Rui nodded.
The sisters talked about fashion for a while. It was a little past noon, so the eldest Akiyama child defrosted some store-bought pot stickers that smelled heavenly, but the younger opted for just some rice, her stomach still knotted. The other child ate a bag of chips. He seemed to enjoy it, at least.
Back to their watching-Phineas and Ferb-and-doing-nothing! Rui stood up and sang along for every song in Dude, we’re Getting the Band Back Together.
“You’re the one, yes you’re the star, we need you back on bass guitar...” he took her hands and made her twirl, the pink jumper skirt flaring out. That episode....definitely her favorite.
It didn’t feel like that long afterwards that Kineko and Haru came to pick up their son, but watching another chunk of a TV show season will make the time fly real quick. Sigh, if only they had gotten to finish episode fifteen...
Later. They could do that later.
The boy hugged her tightly before he left, like it would hurt to be separated. Before letting go, he kissed her on the top of the head. “Goodbye my dear princess. Stay safe...” he murmured.
Mizuki liked that.
When Yuuki said, “Hey, I need to talk to you about something,” the girl’s chest tightened. She didn’t want to explain herself; she barely knew how to explain herself. Her gaze was fixed on the sewing machine she’d watched create so much over the years instead of the sister beside her. The older sister sighed. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
That...wasn’t the question she was expecting. “Huh?” She’d been prepared for more a ‘why’d you do it’ than a ‘why didn’t you tell me?’
“I thought you told me when you were having those kinds of thoughts. You...” her voice cracked slightly, and there was a pause, a breath. The room was a mess, as per usual. What exactly the mess was changed over the years, from toys, books, makeup, clothes...it was mostly a mess of school supplies at the moment. Nobody could escape the monster of education.
“I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to worry you,” she shook her head. No more lying by omission, at least not to her sister. “I didn’t say anything because then I couldn’t do it. And I wanted to. God, I wanted to...yesterday, on the fence I was...excited, not scared.” she laughed without knowing why. “Isn’t that fucked up? I’m sorry...” The younger sister buried her face in her hands.
“Do you still want to do that?” her voice had the same soft tone from yesterday, leading her to her bedroom like a lost animal. “You’ve got to tell me the truth this time.”
Mizuki thought about what exactly the truth was. The wind blowing through her hair on the rooftop and the impending drop to the bottom feeling like freedom. She considered Rui kissing her on the forehead, and that stupid, funny show she still hadn't finished, the taste of sugar with a hint of coffee. The classmates back at school who wouldn’t stop their torment, the uniform she’d have to wear the rest of the year and the one afterwards, the addiction to pain that she couldn't (and didn’t want to) quit.
Everything throbbed, but today there’d been a girl in the mirror who matched the person known as Akiyama Mizuki.
And honestly, she was too tired to really want to try again. (I would have followed you down kept playing in her mind, barring her from all the good reasons to just try another way with less chance of failure.)
“I’m not going to do anything, I think...I don’t really want to be here though,” she admitted. “Like...I still don’t really feel like there’s a good reason to.”
“Oh.” In that moment, her sister looked very afraid. “You know, you do need to tell Mom and Dad.”
Ugh, that was true. Her parents loved her and wanted to help, but urgh...the dynamic would shift weirdly with them so worried, and she just wanted everyone to act normal. “Yeah...but I don’t wanna...” she leaned against her sister. “Today I kept going between wishing it had worked and being glad it didn’t. Hehe, that’s weird...”
“Please tell me, or Mom or dad next time you’re thinking about it. Don’t start planning it out, or whatever.”
Mizuki gave her a thumbs-up. Maybe she was lying, maybe she wasn’t.
She conceded that her parents would have to know at some point. Tomorrow would be rough. But she’d be there. For the chance that every tomorrow would be easier than the previous yesterday.
That night, not trusting herself, she slept on the floor of her older sister’s room.
Winter break was coming soon enough. At least school then wouldn’t plague her much longer. That would fix something...right?