Chapter Text
The mirror is like a portal to see the imaginary plague spreading in your body, somedays you can stand in front of the mirror for so long you loose track of time, others, you have to ovoid mirrors, and you turn them around. You keep staring at the mirror, still taking apart your body like a surgeon.
Your mind constantly felt like a battle field, a war, but one side was obviously winning.
When was the last time you had eaten? [What was it like… three to four days ago? I think…I need some water I haven’t been drinking lots of water either.]
You had refused to eat any meals those days because you had binge ate the day before that, and the disappointment, the regret, and the sickness you felt after was cruel. You always had to eat something during your lunch break or else your boss would start getting suspicious, he was always pretty observant. Your lunch though, only really consisted of some light weight fruit.
You walk into the kitchen to see the little brown bag Pierrot had given you earlier that day while you were at work. Inside the bag were chocolates, along with some cookies that you knew you would never eat. He had given you sweet treats before but you had only tried few. [I’m not a fucking dog, I don’t need a “treat”.]
Your mind was polluted with thoughts of your appearance. Wherever you would go your appearance was always at the forefront of your mind. [I look fat in this outfit] [They are so skinny… why can’t I be like that…] [Why can’t my body look better?] You walked into the kitchen and grabbed a glass from your cabinet then filled it with water. Your apartment completely silent while your mind was raging with thoughts you felt like you couldn’t control.
That’s when it was interrupted by a sudden knock at your apartment door.
[Who is it this time? I don’t get visitors often, I hope I look ok.]
You walk over to the front door with your glass of water and open it, you were a little surprised to see your red and gold colored friend there.
“Pierrot? What brings you here?” You take a sip of your water, while leaning against the door way. “Well I had forgotten to give you a new ticket along with something else…” He pulled out brown box “I remember how you told me your favorite cake in your childhood, so I thought I could make you some! I know I brought you cookies and chocolates earlier but I thought you would enjoy it.” He beamed.
[He thinks I’m a fatass doest he… I wouldn’t blame him]
You forced a smile. “Thank you Pierrot, and thank you for the ticket too.” You replied simply.
“Did you like them?” His face was glowing.
“Like what?” You said confused.
His expression wavered just slightly before replying. “The cookies? Did you like them?”
His eyes shifted behind you to see the brown bag untouched on your counter.
[Shit I didn’t eat any…]
So you smiled, and lied. “Oh, yes, I loved the chocolate chips they were really good!” His smile completely faltered at this point, uncertainty unfolded across his mask, he knew.
He knew that you were lying. He knew everything about you.
“I made you sugar cookies…”
You didn’t even know what to say to save this.
“Oh…! Uhh yea I forgot, sugar cookies, they were good.” But your acting was much less believable.
He frowned. “You… didn’t eat the cookies did you? That’s fine, but can I ask why, my dear? So I can accommodate your needs.”
You were stunned, sure he looked disappointed, but he was willing to change what he baked for you, so you could enjoy it. That small act made you happy, knowing that he would be willing to change for you, it was sweet, really.
But how were you supposed to tell him that you didn’t eat sweets? Hell, you could barely eat a meal, and when you did, the disgust would either make you throw it all up, or you would make yourself not eat for the days to come.
At this point your head started pounding, like a throbbing sensation, you took a sip of water thinking that would help, it didn’t.
“Uhh Pierrot, can you just come inside, it’s awkward standing in the door way.” You muttered.
[God, I feel lightheaded, I probably just need to sit down…]
You opened the door wider, dizziness taking over your senses for a second, you lost your balance, only a moment.
But Pierrot noticed.
He stepped in while comforting you. “Dear one, are you ok? You seem out of it. Drink more water.” and so you obliged, hoping that drinking water again would help the situation, and again it did not help the situation.
“Before I answer your question, can you get me some… Tylenol from the bathroom cabinet?” You closed the door once he was inside and leaned your back against it, trying to find stability.
[fuck, I might pass out again, I’m feeling really dizzy]
Your vision blurred around the edges.
Pierrot sped walked over to your bathroom, you didn’t even notice that he knew exactly where it was because of the throbbing inside your head. You slid down the front door that you were leaning against, now sitting on the floor, your free hand holding your head.
Pierrot came back with the small pill in his hand, crouching down to reach your new position, your hands were shaking as you reached out to grab it, but it was too late your vision blacked.
You woke up inside your bed with unknown medication and papers spread out on the night stands which stood on either side of your bed.
That’s when your head filled with the scent of breakfast, a scent you had not smelled in days. You didn’t even have enough food in your fridge as you had skipped grocery day thinking it would benefit your efforts in trying not to eat.
That’s when you remembered what had happened.
Pierrot knocking on your door, him commenting on the fact that you didn’t eat the cookies, him trying to pass you the Tylenol before you blacked out.
[Fuck.]
He knew.
You sat up, your head still lightly throbbing, you looked around at the medications and papers sprawled out on your tables, trying to find out any clues of what had happened while you were out.
That’s when your red and gold friend walked into the room, with a tray of food.
Eggs, sausage, potatoes, orange juice, and a little bowl of fruit on the side.
You had to admit it looked delicious.
And Pierrot, oh dear Pierrot.
He looked devastated, worried and lost all at the same time.
“Dear…I must explain, please eat.” He set the tray down on your lap.
“I had the doctor come over, he has left now but he told me you were lacking nutrients, which means you weren’t eating. He has some pills for you, to help you gain substance.”
You looked down at the food, your stomach was growling and turning at the same time, you felt sick.
[I’m so hungry…]
Your hesitance caught Pierrot attention, “I cannot force you, but I really care about you my dear. I need you to at least eat the fruit please. I need you to be healthy, I want you to be happy, I understand that you are not comfortable with your body, but my love, if I may call you that, your body is perfect just the way it is, I would never judge you for how you look. You are like my sun, you are the reason why I continue living, you are my everything, and I am so worried for my sun. I will eat with you for every meal if I have to just to make you feel comfortable, to help you. Please let me help you. I know that it will take a while before you heal, but I will always be willing to be with you every step of the way no matter the obstacle. I will complement your body, and your progress every day if I have to, just to make sure my sun keeps shining.”
You could not control the tears that you had kept in for far too long, and even his eyes started to water.
You had set the tray on the other side of the bed, and pulled him into a hug.
You had never felt so supported in your life, and although you knew it would take a while for you to get on normal eating regimens again there was something about Pierrots care, and love that made you want to change, like he would change for you.
You had taken the rest of the day off, letting Pierrot care for you as he insisted. The doctor came over later that day to check on you, he had given you vitamins to help your nutrition levels. You and Pierrot spent the day together, you guys went shopping for groceries, and watched movies. Even the Harlequin came over with a box of jalapeño poppers, which you later found out were store bought, and Jester had to put them in the oven to cook because Harlequin would have burned down the circus.
The following days, weeks, and months were hard, there were some days where you would catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror, and you would stop and stare. You would find yourself in old habits again, like skipping a meal or two. There was even one time where you and pierrot got in an argument:
“YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW I FEEL, YOU ALWAYS PRETEND LIKE YOU CARE.” You yelled, tears streaming down your face.
“My dear, please, let’s talk. I don’t want to yell at you, and I like to think that you don’t like yelling at me too.” His expression of surrender.
“I JUST NEED…to be perfect…” you ran into him wrapping your arms around him sobbing.
And he held you too.
He would always hold you.