Chapter Text
In an attempt at distracting herself from the looming date, and wanting to ensure Emily wouldn't slip into the habit of just staying inside all day, Grace had proposed they go out to the nearby parks, for some fresh air and greenery.
The amount of hypocrisy Grace felt was ridiculous. If it wasn't for Emily she herself wouldn't take more than a step outside if she didn't really have to.
Logically speaking she knew it was good for one's health – getting those steps in – but personally? Grace hated it. Usually it was too loud, with too many people around.
With Emily however, it was easier to focus on the girl's wellbeing rather than her own. And somewhat selfishly Emily's hand in hers grounded her at least a little bit. Like how her mother’s hand was this calming beacon whenever they went outside. Even if she had been a difficult teenager at times, she had never been embarrassed about holding her mother's hand.
So even if she would have rather stayed inside, she managed to convince Emily to check out the neighbourhood with her.
Getting ready to actually go outside was the easier-said-than-done part.
Her mind was a mess. She buttoned up her shirt wrong, put on her shoes in the wrong order, and almost forgot Emily altogether.
Grace was aware she could be more than a little clumsy and cluttered but this was really blowing things out of proportion.
The cherry on top was when Grace kept frantically searching for her keys.
While holding them in her hand.
Selena had pointed out the tight grip on the bundle of metal and Grace was ready to vanish into the ground right then and there.
And as much as she wanted to just go and lie down again, she really couldn't. She was supposed to be a responsible adult after all. With a heavy emphasis on supposed.
Selena wouldn't be joining them, both felt it was important to let Grace and Emily have their one on one time and Grace didn't say it out loud, but she was thankful for it.
Time with Selena was great, but she wouldn't be here forever after all.
Finally ready, Grace took Emily by the hand and they were on their way towards the park. Being able to take in this new part of the city with all its…impressions was an experience.
Emily curiously observed the different cars and people moving about, watched the leaves dance in the wind and clutched Grace’s hand a bit tighter when she noticed a big dog on the other side of the walkway. He looked intimidating at first, but when he met another smaller dog and bent down on his front legs to greet him excitedly, Emily was able to breathe a little easier.
The park was big and lushly green, even now in early october, but they didn't do much besides walk around. There was a playground nearby, one they could totally check out another time. When the clouds weren't swirling together into dark accumulations above them.
And as her luck would have it, it didn't stay at just dark clouds, and one after the other cold drops of rain started to appear.
Grace pushed down a swear. In all her flurry she had forgotten an umbrella and she could only hope the rain wouldn't get stronger until they'd get home, before being completely soaked.
But that was apparently too much to ask for from the universe. Both were drenched by the time they reached the apartment. Poor Emily was shivering and Grace’s shows squeaked with every step she took.
As they shuffled back inside they were greeted by two fluffy towels, and Grace knew she would have to remember to thank her roommate later.
Well dried and now clad in comfy pj's, they rested in the living room. Grace was observing the rain pittering against the window, feeling for the people rushing through the streets with umbrellas already working overtime as they bend in the wind.
“I guess we still got lucky, huh?”
A “Hmm.” was the only sound she got from the girl in return.
Emily had become more and more quiet since they returned and Grace frowned with concern. She sat down beside the girl and brushed a strand of white hair to the side. “How do you feel?”
“I dunno.” Her mouth drew down in a tiny pout as she burrowed deeper into the couch pillow.
Grace pressed her lips together and properly checked Emily’s forehead; it was burning underneath her palm.
Shit.
She pulled the blanket over the girl and rushed to the medicine cabinet to check for something that would hopefully lower her fever.
Thankfully she had as much foresight to have picked up some stuff on their first shopping trip and she could offer up a weird looking goop.
Emily wasn't as easily convinced though and she kept moving her head as far away from the spoon.
“I know, sweety.” Grace pushed down the shaking in her voice. “But it will help, I promise.”
Emily stopped and looked up at her with big teary eyes. “...pinky promise?”
“Yes! Pinky promise. We just need to let it do its job.”
After another moment of hesitance Emily opened her mouth and accepted the medicine. The taste really wasn't the best and her face scrunched up while swallowing.
“Well done.” Grace ran her hand over Emily's head. “Wanna stay here or rest in your room?”
“Hmm, room.”
“Alright.” She scooped up the girl and Emily's head fell against her shoulder. Even like this the radiating fever was seeping through Grace’s shirt and worry settled uncomfortably inside her.
Worry and guilt. Because she couldn't even remember to bring an umbrella. And now Emily had to suffer for it.
Her tiny body shook with an oncoming cough and she burrowed deeper against Grace. One of her hands balled into a fist in the material of the shirt.
Grace patted her back in support as she brought her closer to her room. “I am sorry, Em.”
“Hey.”
Grace froze with a foot on the first step, acutely aware of the singer suddenly behind her. She must have finally come out of her room.
Selena lifted her hand and felt Emily's forehead. “She's burning up–”
“I know.” The words came out more snappy than they needed to be, but Grace felt irritated by the involvement.
Selena didn't let it rattle her as she slowly raised her hand to check Grace’s forehead too. Her voice dropped into a soft whisper. “And so are you.”
For a moment Grace leaned into the touch, chasing the cooling effect and smooth skin. Then she shook her head free of the hand. “I am fine.” She didn't wait a moment longer as she climbed the rest of the stairs to finally place the girl under the cool blankets. She also tucked her teddy in her arms for good measure.
“Sleep, okay? It will help.” With slightly shaky fingers Grace caressed the girl's burning face. “Call if you need anything.”
The smaller head nodded barely but her lower lip jutted out in a pout and it tore right through Grace’s heartstrings. “What if the medicine doesn't help?”
“You know what will always help?”
Emily shook her head more clearly.
“This.” And Grace leaned down to press a kiss to her forehead. “My mom used to kiss all my ailments away when I was sick.” She pressed another kiss to the warm forehead, then her left cheek, right cheek, and finally her nose. “There you go, now you will get better in no time.”
“Teddy too?” She held out the bear’s face towards Grace and Grace left a lingering kiss on his head. She looked deep into his beady eyes and pointed a finger at him while taking on a half serious tone. “You better promise to keep Emily safe, alright?” She placed her hand at his back and nodded his head for him in quick bops. Emily tried to hide a weak giggle behind the blanket.
Pleased with the lightened mood Grace tucked the bear back under the blanket and into Emily's arms.
The girl's eyes were already drifting shut as she fought the oncoming sleep while Grace helped by softly speaking to her.
Grace didn't stray far. She had rushed down the stairs to collect more of her help books and returned upstairs to sit inside her room, just beyond the doorframe to be as close to Emily as possible without bothering her rest. At some point she had grown too warm and put up her hair in a loose bun, some strands were too stubborn however and she had to blow them away from her sight from time to time.
Grace was bent forward over her books and when one didn't answer her question enough she'd turn to reddit instead. Old habits die hard. Occasionally she'd hear a heavier breath followed by a soft cough from Emily's room and she'd froze, ears perked and ready if Emily awoke. But silence would follow and she knew Emily fell back asleep.
All her research concluded that the girl needed rest the most. And liquids.
Wait. When was the last time Emily drank something?
Grace glanced at her watch; it had been a few hours already. Shit. She rolled her shoulders in discomfort and sat up straighter.
She would prepare a soup for the girl, or a chicken broth, whatever she found first in their kitchen cabinet.
Turns out they had both normal soup and several versions of chicken broth. Grace settled on a version with noodles in the shape of little letters. She contemplated writing out a message for the girl but decided against it with how little the actual advance in reading was and she didn't want to pressure her while in such an already weakened state.
Soup was soup, with a cute message or without, it would do its job.
As Grace peeked into Emily’s room the girl was already awake rubbing at her eyes.
“Hey, Em.” Grace tiptoed inside and placed the bowl on the bedside table. “How are you feeling?”
Emily tried to speak but got interrupted by a cough. Grace helped her into a sitting position and rubbed at her back in support. She could feel the sweaty warmth through the girl’s pajama top, a good sign, hopefully the fever wouldn't stay for much longer.
The coughing died down and Emily breathed heavily, groaning in annoyance.
“I brought you some soup, think you can take a few bites?”
“Mh hm.” Emily seemed to think about it for a moment but then she hummed in agreement. She sat against the headboard and took the offered spoon while Grace held on to the bowl, too scared Emily might be too weak and drop it and injure herself.
At the first sip Emily hummed, with what she could taste it was pretty good and the noodles offered up a nice contrast in texture. In the end she ate more than Grace could have hoped for.
Emily leaned back and sighed, full with soup.
Grace placed the still half full bowl on the bedside table. “How are you?” Her hand suddenly felt the pressure of another hand and she found Emily holding on to it. Her smaller fingers were gripping tightly.
The girl yawned softly and pulled on the appendage. “Tired.”
She didn't even have to say anything else. Grace understood without another word. “Of course, sweety.”
Emily was already scooting to the side and Grace easily slid in right next to her. Emily fell against her, eyes already falling closed, her head rested right above Grace’s heart and Grace ran her fingers gently through white strands.
Emily had found a quick liking to this position and Grace could completely relate. Years ago when her mother was still alive, and when Grace was much more open with physical affection, she would often cuddle with her mother like this. The strong heartbeat beneath her ears was like a soothing rhythm of hope.
But now it only felt like the distant memory of a melody from a song long lost.
“...Grace?”
Grace sniffled quietly and tried to push down the sweeping wave of sadness. Not here, not now. “Y-yeah?”
She waited and the moment kept on stretching.
Grace expected a quick answer, usually Emily wasn't one to beat around the bush but now she seemed to almost shy away from whatever she wanted to say. And Grace wasn't sure if she should be worried or simply give her space to answer. There were so many things she still hasn't gotten the grasp off when it came to parenting; constantly worried she might fuck up immensly somehow.
“...Thank you.” Emily’s voice was quiet but genuine as she burrowed further in Grace’s arms.
Relief flooded the blonde and she pressed a tender kiss to the girl’s head. “No need to thank me, Em. Just get better quickly so we can eat all the strawberry ice cream, yeah?”
Emily rapidly nodded her head and then closed her eyes, willing for sleep to take her under.
Grace could breathe a little easier. Though she still felt like that maybe wasn't everything Emily had wanted to say. It would have to do for now, Grace could rack her brain about it another time. Or she could ask the girl directly, maybe.
For now she would rest with the girl for a bit.
A bit turned into a few more hours as Grace fell asleep not close after Emily. The girl’s slightly rattley breathing had lulled her into a dreamless sleep as easy as being swept beneath a sudden wave and had released her with a similar suddenness just in this moment.
When Grace woke up fully, Emily had her back turned towards her and seemed to be peacefully asleep. Grace rubbed at her own eyes, blinking through the light from the setting sun coming through the window. Shit. She couldn't just sleep the whole day away.
Carefully she extracted herself from beneath the blanket so Emily wouldn't notice her sudden absence and stepped into her own room for a stretch. She quickly caught herself with one arm against the bed as the room turned around her. The weird dizziness creeping up her spine was probable because she slept weird. Once you crossed the age of 25 it was only downhill from there.
She sat down on the bed and fell onto her back. The cool bed lining only managed to shock her more, goosebumps growing along her neck. The ceiling above her seemed to spin at the edges and she grew slightly nauseous.
She turned to look at anything else and found herself locking eyes with her mother in a frame. The photo’s placement really was a curse and blessing in one sometimes.
Like a punch to her chest the sadness hit her at once and she choked down a sob as best as she could. The heat from her tightening chest and her cold surroundings mixed into a nasty blend and she couldn't tell if she was freezing or sweating.
She rushed upright and pressed the heels of her palms into her eyes until she saw colours. Her shoulders shook with every breath and she couldn't push her mother’s burning gaze from her mind.
Her mother.
Her dead mother.
Dead.
Years ago. Today.
Her thoughts were coming in bits and pieces. She was spiraling, she knew it, and she couldn't stop it.
What if in some sick twist of fate another person would die on that day?
What if Emily…
Grace ripped her hands away from her eyes, blinking the colour away and clenching her fists instead. She jumped up fully and rushed into Emily’s room.
She froze inside the doorframe and observed the girl. She couldn't be sure if it was the lighting or her own emotional state, but Emily's pale complexion did nothing to calm her, if anything it only heightened her anxiety. She looked so much like back when…when she transformed…when she almost–
Grace had to choke down another sob at the painful memories, when she thought that once again she was at fault for someone's demise. Not just anyone. The little girl who had helped her escape but who she couldn't even protect and safe in that moment.
Panic filled her lungs, cold and sharp and unrelenting. Like someone was crushing her windpipe and she couldn't breath. Like she might drown and choke at the same time.
She stumbled backwards and the world began to spin more and more. She clutched her head in an attempt to snap out of it – it didn't work – why wouldn't it work?
Flashes of when Emily transformed into a creature rushed through her head. Logically speaking she knew she didn't have to worry about a repeat of that, but that tiny voice at the back of her head kept insisting. What if the doctors were wrong?
She turned and suddenly there were soft hands clasped over her own and she was staring into bright eyes furrowed with worry. Lips were moving but Grace couldn't hear anything over her own rushing pulse.
She felt herself be guided by Selena and she tried to focus on what she could see. Her eyes jumped from one spot on the singer's face to another. Still moving lips, swooping down on the sides. Long eyelashes that fluttered against her cheeks with every blink. Perfect eyebrows she took meticulous care of. Bright eyes, filled with gentleness and concern, and orange specks that shimmered when she moved her head a certain way.
“–ace.”
Grey eyes snapped back down towards the soft lips and she caught them tipping up at the edges the tiniest bit.
“Grace, hey, there you are.” Selena ran the pads of her thumbs along Grace’s cheeks wiping away tear streaks. At some point Grace must have dropped her own hands and Selena had fully cupped her face instead.
The slow motions, the gentle caresses, helped calm Grace further and the panic subsided enough to eventually catch clearer thoughts. She wiped her face on her arm and Selena had to drop her arms as she took a step back to give her more space.
“You okay?”
“I…just had to check on her.”
“Hey, allow her to rest. For her sake. And yours.”
Grace shook her head back and forth. “I don't wanna disappoint her.”
Selena sucked in a breath of her own. “This little girl adores you. Do you see the way she's looking at you? You are her hero.”
“What if I do something wrong? What if I can't protect her…”
“Grace, it's just a cold–”
“And it's my fault. Because I couldn’t remember a fucking umbrella!” Grace flinched from her own outbreak. She stumbled backwards a step and tried to hide a sudden sob in the crook of her arm.
Selena tried to not let it show how surprised she was by the sudden outburst. “What is this really about?”
The tears were becoming harder to fight and even her voice was betraying her. “I-I-I can't lose anyone else. Not again.”
Selena took a step back closer to Grace. “You won't." Her eyes desperately tried to hold on to Grace’s but they kept flitting away.
“Y-you c-can’t promise that.”
Selena didn't know what else to say. It was true, she couldn't promise no more loss. And even if she did, Grace wasn't that naive to believe it in the first place.
She took another step and slowly held out her hand towards Grace.
The blonde’s shoulders shook with another sob and her lip quivered with tension. “...I miss her.”
Finally Selena was close enough again, close enough to touch and her hand slid over Grace’s to gently pull her forward. “I know, darling.”
The last shred of restraint snapped and Grace collapsed into her arms, her hands clutched into Selena’s back as she ultimately allowed the tears passage. “I miss her so much.” Her voice broke anew with every word and she ended up fully leaning into Selena as her legs weakened.
Grace’s whole body shook with every powerful sob, like something had been held at bay for a long time and it finally broke. She was unraveling right before Selena and Selena was right there to pick up the pieces, holding Grace for as long as she needed. She ran soothing lines up and down Grace’s back with one hand and held the other to the back of the blonde’s head. She could feel the wet warmth pool at her shoulder, but she couldn't care less about that at this moment.
Selena’s heart tore with every cry, with every wail, with every whimper. She didn't know who exactly Grace was mourning but she could almost feel the lost love with every shed tear.
She wasn't sure how long they ended up standing there, but at some point the sobs began to die down until they were nothing more but sniffles. Once Selena could be sure that Grace could carry her own weight again, she guided her to the couch so they could both sit down.
The blonde looked miserable. Eyes red and puffy, mouth drawn down in a pout, tear streaks adorning her cheeks.
Selena ran her thumb over her cheek to catch a stray tear. Her voice was nothing but a whisper, too scared to break the delicate air around them. “Tell me about her.”
Usually Grace would shy away from the display she had put on but she was just too exhausted to be embarrassed about it. Instead she found herself slightly leaning into the caress, sighing with shaky lips.
Once she started things just kept on bubbling up. Grace told her everything. About her mother’s smile that could light up a whole town, how she was the calm to her storm. How she never made her feel weird about her interests. How she was her most important person.
How, even if it's been 8 years already, on some days it still felt like it had happened just yesterday.
How much it hurt to lose her and how Grace almost lost herself in the pain.
Selena listened to every syllable and encouraged the blonde to continue when words turned too heavy. She absentmindedly wondered if Grace had ever been able to talk about her mother like this with someone. She guesses not, with how Grace had to fight with certain expressions.
With the way her guilt and sorrow tore through her chest, out into the open, being stoked like a flame.
At some point they had shifted once more; Grace wasn’t ready to stop talking just yet but the exhaustion in her bones was ubiquitous. Grace’s head dropped to lean against Selena’s shoulder as the singer continued to softly scratch at the blonde’s scalp.
One of Grace’s hands, balled into a fist, rested against her chest. Bound so tight the whites of her knuckles shone through her already pale skin.
Selena covered it with her own hand, at first barely touching and then more as Grace allowed the soothing gesture to seep into her.
They leaned back further and were almost laying against each other. Grace’s head slid into place atop of Selena’s chest, above her heart.
It wasn't the same as her mothers. Nothing could ever compare. But the strong beating muscle beneath the protective ripcage lulled her into that cocoon of safety just as well.
It was different in so many ways, Grace couldn't be bothered to think about it at this time, and when the gentle vibration of Selena’s melodic humming joined into the rhythm, Grace was done for.
Between the exhaustion and Selena’s tenderness, Grace hasn't felt this safe in a long time.
And if Selena smiled adoringly at the way Grace burrowed deeper into her she’d deny it.
They were simply roommates after all.
When Grace stirred awake, there was a lightness surrounding her. An ease she hadn't felt in years. She burrowed deeper against the soft pillow beneath her head.
She hummed. This was a good pillow. When did she get such a pillow?
A voice with a gentle rasp resonated right beneath her ear in a delighted chuckle. “Sleep well, sleepy head?” Weird, since when could pillows talk?
Bit by bit the memories flooded back.
Her eyes opened with a start. This was not a pillow. She scrambled to push herself upright, supporting her weight on her arms, and came face to face with an amused Selena directly beneath her. “Selena!”
The singer just smiled back but didn't move otherwise. “Hi.”
Grace pushed back and settled on her heels, hands nervously playing with her knees, eyes darting around, looking at anything but Selena. Warmth crawled up her neck and it wouldn't stop there, she could clearly feel it. “I-I-I am s-so sorry, I-I didn't mean to fall asleep o-o-on y-you.” Grace winced at her own stuttering. Dammit, she had hoped it wouldn't be so strong around the other woman anymore.
Selena could tease her more, make light of the situation, but Grace was already turning into a shade of red she had never seen before on the woman. A heart attack or aneurysm were the last things she wanted to trigger in her. “Dont worry about it. Seemed like you needed it.”
Grace rubbed the back of her neck and still wouldn't look Selena directly in the eyes, but she appeared to want to say something else. Whatever it was, she decided against it, and settled on a simple “Thank you.”
That good night's sleep did wonders. Even Emily had felt better quickly and Grace was elated to see the girl already up and about again. But in the end Grace's high only lasted a few hours until the drop came and she had excused herself to her room to lay down, leaving Emily in Selena’s care.
They had shared a concerned look, but Selena decided against following the blonde. They should respect her wishes, they could check in on her a bit later.
And they did. Once Emily grew too anxious, they went to peek their heads into Grace’s room and found the blonde in something like a blanket burrito on her bed.
After Emily had overcome her cold, it seemed like Grace’s immune system got the message about not needing to be on alert anymore and the cold hit Grace full force.
With how effective everything had gone with Emily’s recovery, the girl wanted to do everything Grace did for her so she would get better just as quickly. Selena had helped with the soup and with a message in the alphabet soup. They had settled on a simple ‘get well soon <3’. They had to pull a few tricks with the heart, but cutting a few other letters apart did the job in the end.
Grace was more than appreciative, and Selena supposed the fever made her a bit more susceptible for strong emotions as the blonde blinked through teary eyes. Thankfully she had managed to eat the soup on her own even if Emily wanted to insist on someone – in this case Selena – holding on to the bowl so Grace wouldn't drop it.
“Thanks guys, the soup was great.”
While Selena put the bowl away for Grace, Emily ushered the blonde to lay back down for more rest. The singer had to push down a giggle at the girl’s assertion, and by the looks of it Grace shared the sentiment.
Once Grace had settled under the blankets again, Emily was already by her side. “One more thing to make you feel better.”
Grace waited patiently and Selena smiled to herself as Emily leaned down to press a careful kiss to the blonde’s forehead.
Grace practically beamed up at the girl. “Thank you, Em. I already feel much better.”
In return Emily mirrored the expression and then turned to address Selena. “Selena, you need to do it too, double the effect.”
If the bowl wasn't already placed on the bedside table Selena was sure she would have probably dropped it in surprise. She couldn't really think much more about it though, as Emily was already pulling her closer by the arm and Grace was equally too shocked to say something.
Grace blinked up at her and in her periphery Emily nodded encouragingly. Selena swallowed a sudden lump. “Is this okay?”
If there was a blush adorning the blonde’s face it was hard to discern along her flushed cheeks. “Y-yeah.”
Selena slowly leaned down, one hand dipping into the mattress beside Grace's head, her other hand tucked a long strand of hair behind her ear so it wouldn't brush over the blonde. She actively averted eye contact until she was close enough. She hesitated, before her lips could fully press down, at the subtle hitch of breath from below her.
Then she closed the distance. The skin was warm and slightly sweaty underneath her lips and she lingered for a fraction of a second before she pulled back.
When she came back up, she didn't avoid Grace’s eyes this time and neither did Grace. And they found each other caught in the other's gaze until Emily clapped her hands together. Selena flinched upright and Grace pulled the blanket further over her face.
Grace was ordered back to sleep and Selena was ushered out of the room. Emily left the door open a smidge and Selena couldn't be sure if she caught Grace’s eyes lingering on them for too long as she looked back.
It took another day until Grace was feeling better too. All in all both her and Emily had pretty good immune systems. Some people got sick several days in a row but they didn't.
That was something Grace was more than a little relieved about, not for herself, she knew that she was a somewhat healthy person, but Emily could have been at higher risk with having lived a big chunk of her life in something like a quarantine; more or less.
Grace wouldn't allow for another calm day though, she was restless, like something was pushing her into action, something that couldn't wait.
She had walked up and down the living room for the best of 10 minutes before actually voicing her plan. Selena had gotten more than a little worried along the 3 minute mark.
“I wanna go visit my mom, and I’d like for you to come. Both of you.”
Emily and Selena quickly agreed, even if Selena doubted the validity of her own involvement. Shouldn't this be something Grace did with Emily?
Grace wouldn't tell them where exactly they were going as she drove them through the town. She nervously tapped her fingers against the steering wheel and Selena wanted to reach over and cover them with her hand. But she didn't. She shouldn't – Shouldn't push it.
They pulled into a parking lot next to something that looked like a big park, but with a closer look it turned out to be a cemetery. Every closed door from the car felt too loud, like it might disturb the peace and quiet, and Grace stood still for a moment, staring at the text above the big arch above the entrance.
When Grace still wouldn't move after a minute, it was Emily who grabbed her hand and took the first step.
On their way past the entrance they picked up a bouquet of flowers at the nearby shop and Grace wrung her hands around the stems as they walked along the earthy ground, her feet growing heavier with every step.
Selena stayed back a few paces and simply followed. There weren't a lot of other people around and it still felt crowded amongst all the gravestones. So many people who lost their lives to different causes. And yet, they all ended up here. With all their differences, with all their similarities. This was not just a place of loss, but a place of connection too.
She almost missed it when Grace slowed down and finally came to a halt in front of a single headstone. One of the two dates chiseled in the stone cleared up why Grace was so upset the other day.
It was quiet besides the wind around them while Grace tried to find her words. “H-hey, mom. Sorry I am late this year, I was a little sick, but I am better now.” She chuckled slightly at the end of her sentence, a strained chuckle. “Actually this year is a bit special, cause I want you to meet someone.”
Grace held out her hand to Emily so she would come closer to the grave with her.
The girl was hesitant and she stayed close to Grace’s leg as Grace continued.
“This is Emily. I adopted her and she lives with me now.” She patted her head and smiled encouragingly down at the girl.
As Emily greeted Alyssa, Selena pushed down the urge to shuffle her feet. She inhaled the cool air and hid her nose in the collar of her jacket. She shouldn't be here. This should be their little family moment. Wasn't she just intruding?
But she also couldn't just leave. And even if she was intruding it was still an honour to be allowed here somehow. This woman still meant so much to Grace and she had wanted Selena to meet her too. How could she have possibly said no to that. How could she have possibly said no to Grace’s puppy dog eyes; even if she did it subconsciously. The blonde didn't even know the kind of effect she could have.
Grace’s watery sniffle brought her back to the moment, just as Emily was placing down the flowers, leaning them against the stone.
She stood back next to Grace and was greeted with a “Well done, Em.” and a pat to the head.
“Also,” Grace’s voice took on a lighter note and she inhaled an almost excited breath, “you can stop worrying, cause I made a friend. I know, you won't believe it.” She laughed at her own words.
Selena knew this was somehow her clue and she stepped up to Grace’s other side and was greeted with a nervous smile. She nibbled on her lips, thinking her words over. She really didn't want to say anything wrong. “Hello Miss Ashcroft, you have a great daughter, you'd be proud of her.”
This had to do for now, she didn't really know this woman after all, only from the things Grace told her. And from Grace’s choked sob, she must have done okay. Grace could really be emotive, but Selena couldn't blame her. Instead she offered her support by smoothing over the small of her back with her hand, even through the thick jacket the warmth from Grace’s back was easily felt. Probably a leftover from the fever.
They remained like that for a while as Grace continued to tell her mom about Emily’s first days and how exciting it was to have so many people living with her now. Emily sometimes came in with her own stories and everything felt a little easier the longer they all stayed there.
Until it was growing obvious Grace was avoiding certain topics. If it was for Emily’s sake, being a child and all, or because of Selena she couldn't tell. Either way, Selena knew what to do and she was relieved to a degree for an out. “How about I take Emily back to the car so you can have a moment alone?”
Grace wiped another fresh tear from her eyes and nodded in appreciation through a shaky breath.
Selena went and took Emily by the hand. She tried not to think too much of the way she missed the subtle warmth from Grace’s back. “It was nice to meet you, Miss Ashcroft.” She took a few steps and then turned again to address Grace this time. “Oh, and, take your time. You know where to find us.”
Once the others were gone Grace told her mom what she could from that night; the short version and abridged so people couldn't accidentally overhear how crazy that experience actually was. But about the whole adoption topic – she made it a point to ensure her mom she wasn't mad about it – and the supposed connection to some new weapon that turned out to be an antiviral which healed Emily and Selena. How things had a weird way in life sometimes. She could have stayed the whole day and night, she was sure, but her growling stomach alerted her of her human needs. And if she was hungry then Emily couldn't be far behind.
She kneeled down before the stone and placed her hand just below the name in the stone, her thumb smoothed back and forth. “But, I think I am okay now, mom. You can rest easy.” She leaned forward and wrapped her arms around the cold stone tightly. “I love you.”
If she really concentrated she could almost hear an ’I love you, too.’ in the wind and rustling of the leaves.
When Grace came back to the car, she found the driver's side already occupied and climbed in the passenger seat instead. “You know how to drive?”
Selena was fixing her lipstick in the mirror while Emily munched on a strawberry granola bar in the backseat. “I wasn't always a zombie.” She pressed her lips together and ran her thumb below her lower lip to remove an accidental smudge. Done with applying she clicked the lipstick shut and put it away. “Ready to go home?”
As they turned to leave the parking lot Grace remembered something and her head snapped to look at Selena. “Wait, do you even have your license?”
The singer chuckled but kept her eyes on the road as she answered. “It will be fine, as long as no one stops us.”
“Selena!”
Selena only laughed harder and Grace couldn't help but join in at the ridiculousness.
Once they got back Grace excused herself to a long shower. The day weighed heavily on them all. Even if Selena had no personal connection to Alyssa, seeing her grave after everything Grace told her and seeing the way Grace’s eyes shone with so much love whenever she looked at or spoke about anything her mother related, it was almost like she could feel the depth of their connection in the air.
While Grace was in the upstairs bathroom she had put Emily in front of the TV, a clear sign that Grace was completely exhausted, usually so stern with the girl's screen time usage.
And Selena had been drawn back to her own room. She felt restless as she walked up and down the room, pushed by her own racing thoughts that wouldn't quit. Like a burning beacon, something called to her, and she knew exactly what it was and she knew exactly why.
After Grace had been so open and vulnerable and honest about her past Selena couldn't keep hers to herself anymore. She wanted to tell her, because Grace already told and shared so much.
Even if it hurt, she wanted to confront that past. And Grace had a right to kick her out if she didn't like what it entailed.
Once the day turned over into evening again, and Emily had been tucked into bed, Grace was in her office again, looking for something or checking another help book. Selena couldn't see it from where she sat in her room; the pouch heavy in her hand. She tucked the strings open and held out her hand to let the content drop into her hand.
A silver band landed against her palm, cold from not being worn but shiny like the first day she saw it. Something tucked in her chest and she sighed as she turned it over before her eyes. There were no inscriptions, no dates or names, nothing that could indicate its belongings. It was never necessary and that made it even worse.
A door closed across the hall. This was her cue.
"Grace?" She called out while still turning the ring over and over in her hand. The weight in her hand was mirrored by a similar heaviness in her chest rolling around.
The blonde stuck her head inside the room just a moment later. “Yeah? Do you need some–” Her eyes fell to the ring. “–thing…”
“Do you have a moment?”
Confused and taken aback Grace stepped fully inside. “S-sure, what's up?”
Whichever way Selena looked at it, there was no correct way to bring this up, so why not directly out with it. “I had a fiancé before everything.”
Grace sucked in a breath but simply listened, somehow she knew this was a heavy topic and she didn't want to push her.
When the blonde wouldn't say something, Selena knew she had to pull through and continue. This would be so much easier if Grace could just magically read her mind. “He was visiting just before the outbreak happened. I don't even know why. He never did before.” She shook her head, lost in her own thoughts.
Selena finally put the ring down on the table and leaned back in her chair. Now came the hard part. “When the infection took place it was a slow development. I could feel it changing me. We were fighting, as usual, and he was yelling at me. Everything flowered over in my mind and I attacked him. Clawed at his face. And finally ripped his throat out.”
The room wasn't big in the first place but Selena could still hear the catch in Grace’s throat from a distance.
But the blonde couldn't stay quiet anymore. “Selena, that was the substance. It changed you–”
“But it didn't.” Their eyes met across the room. Selena had to stop her, she wouldn't allow for any sugarcoating. ”Not yet. I was still in control. I knew what I was doing.” Then she had to look away. Away from those compassionate, grey eyes she had come to know. “I wanted to hurt him.”
Scared of Grace’s reaction she chuckled self-deprecatingly. “He looked so scared all of a sudden, but I had no remorse. It didn't feel wrong.”
“Selena–”
Selena pushed back the chair and stood up with a start. “You still think I am not a monster?” Her words were practically dripping with sarcasm and self-deprecation.
Grace almost reached out as Selena moved past her but decided against it. “Why tell me now?”
The bed creaked slightly as the singer plopped on to her back, hair flaring out around her, and she huffed. “It only felt right. You told me so much, and I wanted to be honest. Give you a chance to decide on kicking me out. Better late than never, right?” More than a little dramatic she threw her arm over her eyes, blocking out the view of a potentially disappointed or even upset Grace.
There was only silence, and every second that ticked by burned like lava in Selena’s veins.
Until the bed dipped right next to her and another hand gently pulled her arm away so that she could look at Grace staring down at her with those soft eyes.
“Even if. You have proven more than enough to me what kind of person you are and that you are no danger to me or Emily. I trust you. I would never kick you out.”
This woman. How did she do it?
Selena pressed her lips together and she swallowed that heavy weight down.
“I have done terrible things too. What kind of hypocrite would I be?”
It still felt too serious for Selena’s taste, she had to lift the mood somehow. For her own sake. “Pinky promise?”
The bed shook as Grace huffed a quiet laugh and she dropped to lay beside Selena, but she quickly held out her pinky for the other woman. “Yeah, pinky promise.”
Selena turned so they could look at each other and linked their pinkys, moving them up and down slowly. When they slid apart, the skin smoothed against each other, and Selena was almost sad to have to let her go.
Grace shifted. “Anything else you wanna tell me?”
Did she? There was probably a lot she could talk about. But Selena simply shrugged her shoulders, almost overwhelmed by her own indecisiveness.
“I take that as a yes.” Grace shifted again, but this time so she could lay along the full length of the bed and she patted the spot beside her, waiting for Selena to follow.
The mattress dipped and she almost lost her balance, but Selena successfully dropped next to Grace, her hair gathered to fall over one shoulder in its length. “Do you recall how I told you I remembered you, at least a little bit?”
“Yeah?”
“Well, when I saw you after being rescued, the first thing I could recollect was your scared face. It reminded me so much of him. And I didn't even have to touch you.”
“It was a stressful time. Everything was scary in Rhodes Hill.”
“And yet you were being so brave about it all.” This time Selena hadn't even meant to sound flirty, it was meant to be a simple praise. But by the way that pretty flush crept back up the blonde’s cheeks it had its usual effect.
Grace on the other hand had to push down the sudden flutter in her chest for another time.
Selena hid a chuckle behind a casual cough before she continued. “I wanted to meet you. See if you would still be scared of me. And you weren't. You were so nice and shy. The complete opposite of anything my fiancé ever was.”
“Is…is that why you–”
“No. Please don't ever think that. I was ready to move on with this uncertain life. That I got assigned as your roommate was purely coincidental. But I can't say I am complaining. And I maybe hoped that I could make things right that way. Is that weird?”
Grace shook her head. She understood, because she too couldn't lie that at first she took to Emily because she saw an opportunity to make things right for what she felt she couldn't with her mother. That by protecting the girl and saving her she could clean her conscience. But that didn't mean she just felt affection because of that mental connection. No. She adored her even without that whole guilt spiel.
So she more than knew that Selena could also adore her without it. Or, well, not adore. That wasn't the same, obviously. But Grace could be certain it wasn't a lie what Selena had said, that she actually liked being here for real.
“Where is that brain of yours going?” An amused and melodic giggle danced through the air.
“Huh? N-n-o where.” The burning in her face meant she must look like a tomato. Grace pulled the pillow from behind her head and pushed it to her face and muffled her words. "It's n-nothing.”
As adorable as a flustered Grace was, she shouldn't feel the need to hide. And so Selena pulled on her right hand with less strength than anticipated. Grace let her place it on the mattress between them as she pulled down the pillow to let it rest against her chest. Selena’s hand was warm in hers and she didn't let her go this time. No one said anything about it and Selena even began to stroke her thumb along the side in small motions as they fell into an easy conversation.
Grace told her more about that night. About Emily being a clone. About her connections to it. More about her mother.
And Selena told her about her time before Rhodes Hill, about the strained relationship with her mother, the arranged marriage plans, about singing and having had plans to just run away before everything. Which was the reason she ended up at Rhodes Hill in the first place.
They talked all night long, about everything and nothing, until Grace was the first to drift off to sleep. Thankfully they had pulled up a blanket at some point and Selena could let the blonde sleep in peace.
Her face was free from worry and her hand lay slack in Selena’s. Once in a while she would clench her hand the tiniest bit and Selena would smooth her thumb along the side and the grip would ease up again.
And every time Selena’s heart skipped a beat.
It had started as fun flirting.
It couldn't be just that anymore.
Grace woke with a start as a sudden weight dropped next to her.
“You didn't tell me you were having a sleepover.”
A groan from the other side confirmed the other woman’s presence and Selena burrowed deeper into the pillows.
Hands rubbed at tired eyes and they took a bit to adjust but when they did Grace found Emily now laying between her and Selena. She rushed to sit upright. “Oh, sh– I didn't mean to fall asleep. What time is it?”
Emily's stomach rumbled as an answer. “Breakfast time.”
“Alright alright, give me 1 second. No, 1 minute.” Having stayed up all night to talk was starting to show its repercussions. She ran her hands flat over her face.
A muffled groan came from the other side again. “5 minutes.”
Without looking up, Grace accepted the correction and fell back against the pillow. “5 minutes.”
“Okay, 5 minutes.” Emily plopped down in between them too, cuddling up to Grace.
Still, Emily was restless and kept moving her legs, accidentally touching her cold feet against Selena's leg.
The singer winced at the temperature and pulled the blankets tighter around herself. “Is this what living with children is like?”
Half back to sleep, Grace replied. “You signed up for this.”
Selena hummed back negatively but answered in a teasing way. “No, you literally signed me up for this.”
And Grace’s sleepy giggle was like music to her ears.