Chapter Text
He slowly gained back consciousness, his head was pounding like crazy and his body was sore all over.
What happened ?
He opened his eyes slightly, a blurry image of a human shape was looming over him. The sun in the background was making it glow in an ethereal way, it made him think he died, arrived in Heaven and an angel was welcoming him with open arms.
Who was he kidding ? If he was dead he wouldn't go up there.
He blinked a few more times and the unknown person transformed into Azul.
His own personal angel, so Heaven was not out of the question for now.
“Let's get you up Jamil”
He was pulled upright by him, and perhaps leaned into him more than he needed, he was not above milking this sudden opportunity.
He contemplated faking a stumble into him, when he was slammed back to the ground by a crying Kalim.
Nevermind, he was in Hell
He groaned at the strain it put on his sore body, luckily for him, it made Kalim fully pull back.
He sat up with difficulty and looked around the Scarabia Lounge.
It was….a mess
It was full of sand, the furniture was broken and magic blasts marks everywhere on the walls and ceiling
What in the Sands happened while he was out, he tried to think about what he was doing before he blacked out but it came back blank.
Looking at the other students there, it seems there was a tough fight recently. Their clothes were torn in places and ruffled and covered in a layer of dirt so thick the original colors were dulled.
He lowered his eyes toward his own clothes, they were dripping from a black sludge that seemed to come from his own body.
He knew what it was from
He would have the answer already if his head wasn't hurting so much.
Kalim decided that now was the perfect moment to start talking “I-I'm so s-sorry Jamil” He sobbed, tears streaming down his face endlessly “I-I never knew you h-hated me that much” He choked on the word hate, as if it was a foreign concept to him “I-I wish you would have told m-me earlier. I-I'm so sorry you o-overblotted because of me !”
Now he remembered what happened before everything became black.
He…hypnotized Azul to get him on his side since the Octatrio kept interfering. But he wasn't aware he acquired Floyd's unique magic, which made him impervious to his own, and he was streaming his betrayal to the world.
It was a good thing he didn't try anything while he thought he had Azul under his control, it would have been catastrophic.
Azul would have known
The twins would have known
His dorm would have known
The ENTIRETY of Twisted Wonderland would have known about his crush on Azul Ashengrotto !
He would prefer overblotting again rather than living through this scenario.
Then he hypnotized his entire dorm and threw them at the resistance for trying to stop his uprising.
What a fool he was ! He could have hurt Azul and that was the last of his wants !
But it was already too late for him, he plunged inside a deep pool of blot and let oblivion take him.
It was quite a pitiful moment for him, losing his composure as he did, but nothing could change what happened. He can't make a deal with Azul to change the past, even his genie has to obey the laws of the universe.
Soon after, he had a one-sided screaming match with Kalim about what he really thought about him. Sorcerer, it was liberating to finally say it out loud.
Of course, the happy-go-lucky Asim heir took it as a challenge to become a better Housewarden and person, trying to prove to him he deserves his spot.
That was something he couldn't wait to see.
To thank the Octatrio and the Ramshakle residents for their help, Kalim decided to throw a party at the oasis, for once he was not the one preparing the feast since he was supposed to “rest”. But it was a foreign concept to him, so he helped out when he could, before Kalim forcefully pushed him back toward his room.
A fantastic moment for Kalim to stop being oblivious.
He took the opportunity each time to watch Azul without his coat around his shoulders, the dorm being too hot to have so many layers. He couldn't appreciate the sight before his accident with how stretched he was, but now he was supposed to “rest”, and he knew resting his eyes on Azul was a wonderful way to relax.
Even with the great view, he knew something happened during it, something they weren't telling him.
For the Scarabia resident, they were wary of him, not looking him in the eyes and always looking in Kalim's direction for approval, it was the expected answer after being hypnotized with his magic.
For the group that stopped him it was different.
The prefect kept snapping Grim's mouth shut when he tried to mention something he shouldn't hear. Kalim was having his “I'm hiding something and I'm not supposed to tell you” face and the twins looked at him with full amusement in their eyes and laughed at him when he locked eyes with one of them.
Azul was the strangest
He looked at him weirdly, as if he was recalculating everything he knew about him and avoided him as much as he could.
He didn't like it
When he tried to help around the kitchen Azul suddenly “remembered” he was needed in the lounge for the preparations. The one time he pulled him into a conversation, Azul's words became measured, guarded, chosen carefully to avoid a new meltdown from him.
He didn't like it at all
He wanted Azul to treat him like he did before, bantering and trying to convince him to join Octavinelle, and he would retort by refusing with an insult, this was their thing, not treat him as if he was fragile and on the verge of breaking again !
He grumbled under his breath as the group started the trek toward the oasis for the party. He turned to look toward the bright sun, his body, previously affected by blot, was, until now, in a constant state of coldness, every inch of skin was pierced by frigid needles, thankfully the sun warmed his skin again.
“If the sun gets too much for you Jamil you may lean on me”
He turned to look at Azul with his usual smug smile and twinkling eyes, how he missed that smile directed at him. He was finally acting like he usually did “Not in your life !” He retorted by habit.
“Yeah Sea Snake~ I'm sure Azul would love to help you~”
“Indeed, such a benevolent soul he is”
Not again
Since he was up they've been making little comments here and there about Azul and him, always missing the common element for him to figure it out.
They were annoying and by the look on Azul's face, he was also done with their antics.
“I hope the both of you drown in a puddle” He sighed, it made them explode in laughter and cackles, as if it was the funniest joke ever heard by them.
He was not going to ask.
Once at the oasis, time flew by for him. The dorm, plus their guests, ate and partied all day under the sun. He observed from afar under the shade of a palm tree, his dormmates avoided him as much as they could so he was keeping an eye on the celebration.
The only thing worth noting was when the eels, transformed into their merform, pulled Azul forcefully into the water, the splash cutting his startled scream short.
But when he got out, he had to grip his arms, painfully, to keep a straight face. Azul's white shirt was now translucent and was clinging to his skin in a way that showed the lean muscles hidden beneath the fabric layers. Water was dripping from his hair in a way that made him think he belonged on a magazine cover.
He needed to look away, but Sevens, it was hard. He could feel his nails go deeper in his arms, leaving marks, as he discreetly bit the inside of his lip, keeping his face slack of any emotion. He finally tore his eyes away when he saw Azul starting to open his shirt to wrang it out of the water, if he continued to look he was going to pass out from holding his breath.
Sorcerer that was a sight, it's going to haunt his dreams for a long time.
Before he knew it, it was already sundown, the party was cleaned up, guests were at their own dorms, and Scarabia was once more silent except from the clock ticking away in the lounge.
Except from a Kalim trying to subtly avoid his eyes, back with his “I know something but is not supposed to tell you look”. But he knew how to make him spit it out.
He started by staring at the back of his head intently, with how Kalim's shoulders suddenly tensed, he felt the look. Then he simply waited, eyes boring into his skull until Kalim slowly turned in his direction with a guilty look on his face and looking away immediately.
He seemed more determined to hide it for once, probably because it concerns him.
“Kalim, what are you hiding from me ?” He demanded.
He continued to look away nervously, wringing his hands together as a way to hold himself back, refusing to answer to him. He continued to stare at Kalim, the pressure increasing quickly with each tick of the clock.
He held for 34 seconds before cracking under the pressure “I'm so sorry ! I'm not supposed to say it to you but it's too hard !” He babbled “Azul made me promise to keep it secret but I can't !” Azul ? He didn't like where this was going “You're not mad at me right ?” He asked in the meekest voice he could make, staring at him with red eyes full of tears.
“No” Not yet “Now tell me, I feel like someone lied to me about what happened today and I deserve to know”
Even with his confession, Kalim hesitated “Y-You're not going to like it”
He put both of his hands on his shoulders, forcing their eyes to lock “I need to know”
“...Fine” He took a deep breath and looked toward the window, he couldn't watch him as he spoke “So you did throw us to the end of the desert” So that was true, good “Except Azul” He whispered.
Except Azul
Except Azul
Except Azul
The words echoed in his mind, not making any sense because it shouldn't. He should have thrown everyone with no exception. Sorcerer ! Azul was at his mercy while the others were at the other end of this dimension?!
But he seemed fine, roughed up but fine
“What happened after Kalim”
“I-I don't know what happened in between, only Azul knows, but when we came back…” His voice quieted down at his last words, head turning away once more.
He pulled Kalim back to face him again “When you came back, what ?!” He needed to know, what did he do with Azul ?
“He….He was in our dorm uniform” Sorcerer, no “And…he was sat in your lap”
He stopped breathing, he what ? It was not possible ! It was only a nightmare he was about to wake from soon !
“You… had your face in his neck while holding him close” Any seconds now he would wake up “It's only because of him we did so much damage to you before you saw us return” This was only a bad dream, he needed wait for it to end and everything would come back to normal “He distracted you” Nobody will know about his feelings, Azul would still speak to him, would still partner with him, study with him “by…seducing you ?”
He heard his heart stop for a second, his world shrinking to those words, he became deaf to everything but the growing ringing in his ears. He pulled back in a state of shock and leaned against a wall, his vision getting blurry by the second.
This was not a bad dream, this was a real nightmare.
May the ground swallow him whole in the next second so he couldn't live through the mortification he was feeling.
How could he continue to live after that ? He forced Azul to play at his will, while he had no choice but to comply.
He felt absolutely disgusting.
He ran away in a panic, running blindly toward somewhere unknown but alone. His body hit corners and furniture without a care, without feeling it at all. He ran until he became out of breath and crumpled to the ground. He pounded the floor with his fists, wishing the pain would last forever so he could pay for his sins.
He didn't deserve forgiveness for what he has done.
He looked up with blurry eyes at the moon, silently judging him, condemning him for his crimes. He was on one of the highest balconies in the dorm, one rarely used by its students. Good, he deserved to be alone.
He wanted to scream in sorrow at the night sky and cry until his body dried out. His heart pulsed painfully with each beat, adding another layer to the misery he felt.
He hates himself
He tainted such beauty with his bound servant's hands, how could he have ever hoped these feelings would give him a positive outcome ?
How could he have ever believed there was a chance between them ? If there was one before, his actions destroyed it.
He leaned back against the wall and hid his face between his knees. He needed to disappear from this world entirely, and forever.
Azul would never talk to him again
Azul would never study with him again
Azul would never ask him to join his dorm again
Azul will only look at him with disgust from now on, if he even threw a look toward him at all
Azul will cut all ties with him at once
Azul will never be a part of his life again, and he only had himself to blame for it
He destroyed one of his only joys, for a last option plan he knew was doomed since Octavinelle intervened.
He wanted to throw himself over the railing.
“There you are”
His body tensed abruptly, he could recognize that voice in a thousand.
Azul Ashengrotto
What was he doing here ? He didn't deserve to be in the company of someone as disgusting as himself. He hid his head deeper in his knees and refused to answer.
He heard him sit down next to him “Kalim called me in a frenzy earlier, saying you ran away after learning what happened” He tried to be deaf to his voice, unsuccessfully “I had hoped he would keep it until tomorrow but it seems I overestimated his lying capacities”
He wished Azul would go
He wished Azul would stay
He didn't deserve Azul's pity
He wanted to throw himself in his arms and beg for forgiveness
He stayed silent, but peeked slightly above his knee, watching as he stared at the same moon that judged him earlier, with a peaceful expression. The moonlight made his silver hair shine in a way it looked almost translucent. He wanted to stare at this sight forever, but he didn't deserve it, so he closed his eye, cutting the wonderful view he had.
“I don't blame you about what happened earlier”
He didn't blame him ?
He refused to believe him
He couldn't believe a word he was saying
Azul was probably pulling him into a sense of security before striking him down viciously. He would let him do it without any resistance, he deserved it.
“I know you won't believe me” He couldn't “But it's the truth, you're not responsible for the actions you took during this state”
His head snapped up suddenly, eyes full of rage “HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT ?!” He screamed in Azul's face “HOW CAN YOU SAY I'M NOT RESPONSIBLE ?!” The tears he kept at bay until now slid down his cheeks “H-HOW CAN YOU NOT LOOK AT ME IN DISGUST ?!” He couldn't stop now “HOW- HOW” He choked on sobs “HOW CAN YOU STAND BEING NEAR SUCH FILTH ?!” He didn't care how loud he was, he didn't care it was the middle of the night, Azul needed to hear the truth “WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE ?!”
He stared at the pained face of his crush, he hated himself more for causing it “HIT ME ! PUNCH ME ! INSULT ME ! THROW ME OFF THAT BALCONY ! DO SOMETHING !” He fully sobbed at the sky, his screams echoing in the night. He wanted Azul to take it out on him, to yell at him how disgusting he was, to cover his body in bruises until he became deaf to the emotional turmoil he was having.
But nothing of that happened, a hand cradled his cheek softly, keeping his head in place while the other hand erased his tears with a handkerchief.
He was being treated as fragile porcelain, when he deserved to be broken into a million pieces until he became nothing but dust.
He was as benevolent as he claimed
Azul looked at him with soft eyes full of compassion, as if he was something precious that needed care.
He didn't deserve it
He shouldn't have it
He shouldn't want to have it
He wanted it so much
He started sobbing once more, tears cascading his face and erasing Azul's effort. The hand holding his cheek went to the back of his neck and pulled him forward. He tried to push himself away, not deserving the physical contact, but Azul's grip was tighter and he was left with no choice but to accept it, until his face was hidden in his neck.
He nervously wrapped his shaking arms around Azul's chest, secretly hoping he won't be pushed away.
He continued to sob on Azul shirt, dirtying it with his servant's tears, his hands went to grip at Azul shirt, begging for him to stay.
He didn't deserve it
But he has always been selfish
He let the tears fall while Azul's hands soothed him, the one on his neck was softly squeezing him, and the other was moving up and down on his back.
With each tear, the feeling of self-hatred diminished, releasing the dark thoughts that invaded his mind since he learned the truth.
He wished he could stay there forever, between the loving arms that cradled him so softly and whispered sweet soothing words in his ears. He nuzzled deeper into Azul's neck, breathing, between his sobs, the mix of his natural sea smell and his cologne. The scent that usually made his heartbeat race, was now making it slow down, enveloping him in a sense of comfort that made the hurtful words in his mind, silent.
His breakdown was over, his last tears now drying on their clothes, he would have been more embarrassed if he wasn't currently attempting to drown in Azul's being.
He wished he could stay there until the end of time, but he couldn't. He slowly pushed himself back, his hands coiling around Azul's shoulders as a reminder that he was there.
“W-What happened during it ?” He coughed with a voice rough from his screaming and crying.
Azul's tilted his head to the side “It doesn't matter”
It made his body stiff in shock "What do you mean it doesn't matter ?!” Of course it mattered ! He needed to answer to his actions and repent !
“It wasn't you, you weren't in control of your body, I have already forgiven you, you don't need to drown in guilt over it”
The words were so simple, but they rang in his mind over and over again.
He was forgiven ?
Just like that ?
By the guy who could hold a grudge for a decade ?!
Now it was Azul's turn to take him by the shoulders until he found his head nestled on his thighs. He looked up at him, who was watching him back with a soft look and an even softer hand on his face.
He could feel the blush he repressed for months, creeping up on his cheeks.
Then Azul leaned down, until cold lips touched his forehead, staying there for a second too long before moving away. He had to bite the inside of his cheek, to keep the whine that was about to escape, inside.
He felt pathetic at his need of touch, but very much loved at this moment.
“It is quite late, let's get you back to bed” He said before lifting him in a princess carry as if he weighed nothing.
His blush was growing darker “I can walk !” He complained, but his arms went to encircle Azul's shoulders naturally, as if they always belonged there, then rested his head over them.
He watched as the balcony that he thought was his ending, but ended up being their beginning, faded from his view with each of Azul's steps.
The only thing he remembered after that, was his shaking hand gripping desperately at Azul's wrist when he was about to go, begging him silently to stay with him. And the arms holding him close, pulling him into a dreamless slumber.