Chapter Text
It had taken all day, but both girls got their things unpacked and their rooms set up to their liking. Hannah’s side was all pink. Literally everything was pink. Becka wasn’t sure she had ever seen that much pink in her entire life. It looked like a picture from one of the fancy magazines that Shu's mom read.
Becka’s side wasn’t as picturesque. There was no color scheme or matching sheet and duvet set. Her blue and gray striped comforter lay messily over her plain white sheets, and a very worn and loved teddy bear sat propped against the pillow. Pictures of her and Shu and some of their other friends from home were tacked up by her desk. Old band posters she’d had for years adorned the space above her bed, and Becka’s guitar case stood leaning against her small dresser. And the most important thing in the dorm to Becka, a picture of her and her mom, sat prominently on the nightstand right beside her bed.
“Do you need some help finishing up?” Hannah asked as she closed the drawer of her desk, that she’d spent the last hour meticulously organizing.
“Oh,” Becka glanced around her side of the room. “I’m actually done.”
Hannah instantly became flustered, scared that she had offended Becka. “It looks great!” She glanced around Becka’s belongings in search of something, anything, to move the conversation on. She landed on the pictures by Becka’s desk. “That’s Shu, the girl from earlier. You knew her before?”
“Yeah, we’ve known each other since we were kids. She’s a little rough around the edges, but she’s amazing, I promise.”
Becka then realized that Hannah didn’t have any pictures up on her side of the room. It wasn’t her business and she shouldn’t have asked about it, but she couldn’t help herself. “No pictures of Garrett? Most girls plaster their entire side of the room with pictures of their boyfriends.”
“Garth?” Hannah’s eyes widened. “Oh gosh, no, he’s not my boyfriend. He’s just a friend of my family’s.”
Relief washed over Becka’s body, even though she knew it shouldn’t have. This didn’t change anything. As Shu pointed out, Hannah was still likely straight. And they didn’t even know each other. Becka had no right to feel relief about her relationship status.
“Do you have a boyfriend?”
Becka was taken aback. Most people were able to tell she was very, very gay as soon as they met her. For a split second, she thought Agnes might be joking, but the sweet smile and pure innocence in her eyes told Becka otherwise.
“No, I’m gay.”
Her words hung between them for a few seconds, and Becka feared maybe Shu was right and that Hannah was part of some super conservative religious community. Sometimes she forgot not everyone was as accepting as her small circle of friends. Getting assigned a homophobic roommate that she is also wickedly attracted to would be Becka’s luck.
Hannah finally spoke. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you.”
Okay. Not homophobic. Becka breathed again. “You didn’t,” she said a little too quickly.
“Is Shu your girlfriend?”
Becka fake gagged, which got her a tiny laugh from Hannah. She noticed the way Hannah’s nose scrunched and vowed to make that happen as much as she possibly could from there on out. “Oh God, no. I love her... but…no, no, no.” Shu was her best friend, and they’d gotten to the point where they were almost too close, and seeing each other that way would be next to impossible.
“Oh, well, do you have a girlfriend at all?”
In any other circumstance, Becka would have raised her eyebrow and said a flirty, “Not yet,” but this wasn’t a cute girl at a party, this was her incredibly beautiful roommate who she could not make things awkward with on the first day. Shu would kill her if she ended up having to sleep in her room immediately.
So instead, Becka simply answered, “No.”
Then she got curious, nosy Shu would say. “So Garth isn’t your boyfriend, but do you have one?” She silently prayed for Hannah to say no. It shouldn’t matter to her, but it did.
“I’ve never had a boyfriend,” Hannah looked down, clearly embarrassed by her confession.
Becka was stunned that someone as beautiful as Hannah had never been in a relationship, but did her best to keep that shock from reflecting on her face. “Oh, that’s no biggy. Pretty common for most people our age.” She wanted to tell Hannah how gorgeous she was, but didn’t, reminding herself, once again, of the rage Shu would inflict on her if she fucked things up and had to sleep in her tiny bed together.
Hannah just shrugged and feigned interest in the pencil pouch on her desk, picking at a pink thread near the zipper to avoid looking at Becka. It was at that moment that Becka learned that she simply could not handle Hannah being upset or sad, or uncomfortable in any way.
“So, is Hannah your middle name?” She asked to change the subject.
“No,” Hannah’s picking at the pink thread intensified. “It’s my birth name.”
Becka cursed herself and her apparent newfound ability to make Hannah incredibly uncomfortable. “So you were adopted?” Talking about parents was the last thing Becka wanted to do, but there was no way out of it now. Fucked up didn’t even begin to describe her familial situation, and it wasn’t something she wanted Hannah to know about her.
“When I was five,” Hannah explained as she continued to pick at the thread that was now unraveling at such a rapid pace that Becka feared for the structural integrity of the pencil case. “A lot of people think it’s stupid that I went back to my birth name a couple of years ago. I was Agnes for most of my life, after all.”
Becka furrowed her brows. “It’s not stupid. Like I said earlier, it really suits you.”
Finally, another smile from Hannah, and she stopped her unrelenting assault on the thread and began to dig in her desk drawer. Becka leaned against the wall, awaiting whatever it was Hannah was digging for.
“This is my birth mom,” Hannah said quietly as she handed Becka a picture of her and a blonde woman. “Her name is June.”
Becka looked at the picture for a few seconds. “She’s beautiful.” She took a deep breath before continuing. “You look so much like her.”
Hannah smiled sheepishly. “Thank you. I haven’t really been able to talk with anyone about this before, so I really appreciate you letting me be so open.”
She reached out and wrapped her hand around Becka’s, giving it a grateful squeeze. Becka felt a shiver run up her spine at Hannah’s touch. Her first instinct was to yank it away out of confusion because such a simple touch from a girl she barely knew shouldn’t make her feel more than a kiss from any other girl ever had.
She didn’t pull back though, and instead returned the squeeze. “That’s what roommates are for, right?”
Roommates, Becka. She reminded herself. Only roommates. Who were friends and didn’t get worked up over simple touches.
The two of them settled into a quiet routine that evening. Hannah reviewed the syllabus for her first class the next morning while Becka worked on setting up her new laptop, which had been a graduation gift from Shu’s family. They may have considered her to be a bad influence on their precious Shu, but they took care of her regardless, and Becka would always be grateful to them.
Hannah jolted awake, unsure of what had woken her up. She lay completely still in her bed, waiting to hear whatever it was again, but all she could hear was the soft whirring of the fan Shu had procured for Becka in under ten minutes when she had complained about the heat in their dorm. She closed her eyes again, assuming it must have been a dream, upset that she had been pulled from her slumber over nothing since it had taken her ages to fall asleep in the small, uncomfortable bed.
Just as she closed her eyes, she heard it again: a soft whimper which was quickly followed by a sob. “Becka?” she whispered. Another sob came from across the room. Hannah froze. What does one do in this situation when their newfound…friend…or just roommate is crying on the other side of the room? She had no way of knowing if Becka was the type who enjoyed being comforted when upset or if she just wanted to be left alone.
“Becka?” she said, louder that time.
She received no response.
“I’m here if you need anything,” she called out across the room and then instantly cringed at how awkward she sounded. The only response from Becka was a few more whimpers.
Hannah was prepared to do her best to ignore them and go to sleep until the sobs increased in frequency, volume, and were accompanied by Becka thrashing around in her bed. “Becka!” she cried out, hoping for any kind of response. When she didn’t get one, Hannah picked up her phone and shone the flashlight over to Becka’s side of the room.
“Mom, mom, please no, mom,” Becka began crying out.
Hannah jumped up from her bed and ran over to Becka’s. Becka was still thrashing around; her face was tear-stained, covered in sweat, and flushed a deep red. It was obvious she was having some sort of nightmare.
Hannah placed a hand on Becka’s shoulder and gently shook her. “Becka, please wake up.”
The only response was an increase in thrashing. “Becka please.” She tried again, which only resulted in Becka screaming for her mom again.
Hannah had no idea what to do and clearly needed help, so she ran out of the dorm and down the hall and started banging on the room she was fairly certain belonged to Shunamite.
Hannah was relieved when it was an angry Shunamite with her hair disheveled and a sleep mask hanging haphazardly on her forehead instead of a stranger. “What the fuck?” she asked before looking Hannah up and down. “I see you also commit fashion atrocities while sleeping.”
Hannah ignored the comment about her floral, loose-fitting nightgown. “It’s Becka.”
Shunamite’s expression changed instantly. “What happened?” She pushed past Hannah and started walking towards their dorm before she could answer.
“Some kind of nightmare,” Hannah answered as she followed her. “I couldn’t wake her up.”
“Fuck,” Shunamite said under her breath as she pushed through the door Hannah hadn’t shut all the way on her way out.
They both approached Becka’s bed as she continued to call out for her mom. Sweat drenched the gray shirt and blue boxers she had worn to sleep, and they clung to her skin.
“Should I get her phone and call her mom?” Hannah asked, unsure of how to help but wanting to do something and Becka clearly wanted her mom.
Shunamite flashed her an angry look and seemed like she wanted to say something, but her face softened and she ignored Hannah’s question, turning her attention back to Becka.
“Becka,” Shunamite said firmly, shaking Becka significantly harder than Hannah had. “Becka!” she repeated, louder.
Hannah watched as Becka writhed around in her bed and continued to cry, no more responsive to Shunamite’s attempts at waking her than she had been to Hannah’s.
“Should we call an ambulance? Or get the RA?”
Shunamite, who had now completely crawled into the bed with Becka, shook her head. “It’s just a night terror. She’s had them since-” she stopped herself. “They just happen sometimes. She’ll be okay.”
Hannah nodded. “I’m going to…is it okay if I…” She swallowed the lump in her throat, unsure whether or not Becka would want her there when she woke up.
“Yes, go, just go,” Shunamite replied, her voice laced with annoyance, before returning to cradling Becka’s face in her hands and pleading for her to wake up.
When she backed out of the room, she was met in the hall by Daisy. “What’s going on?” she asked as she tried to peek into Hannah and Becka’s dorm before the door closed.
“Becka is having some sort of nightmare.” A tear Hannah didn’t know was there streamed down her cheek. “I think it’s my fault.”
Daisy ushered Hannah into her dorm room. Her assigned roommate, Penny, had decided not to attend, so thankfully they wouldn’t have an audience.
“Why would Becka having a nightmare be your fault?”
Hannah joined Daisy when she sat down on her bed. “I told her about my mother earlier, and Beck was screaming out for her mom in her dream.”
“Oh, that’s not your fault.” Daisy placed a reassuring hand on Hannah’s shoulder. “You don’t even know if the two things are related.”
While Hannah appreciated Daisy’s attempt at comforting her, she certainly didn’t believe what she was saying. It couldn’t have been a coincidence that Becka would have a nightmare about her mom right after Hannah had trauma dumped on her. Hannah cursed herself. The first time she opens up to anyone about her mom and this happens.
Some murmuring from the hallway grabbed Daisy’s attention, so she got up and poked her head out the door. “Nothing to see, folks, go back to bed,” she announced to the small crowd of girls who had gathered in the hall after hearing the commotion.
Hannah smiled softly at her, grateful she was protecting Becka’s privacy. She could no longer hear any sobs or crying out from her and Becka’s room and hoped that meant that Shunamite had managed to wake her and calm her down.
Daisy closed the door and went to her closet and began rummaging around. “Here,” she said, emerging with a spare pillow and blanket. “You can sleep in here tonight.”
“You don’t have to; I can go wait out in the common room.”
“It’s 2am, I don’t know about you, but I have class in 6 hours and I’d rather not pass out during my first college class, so please just go to sleep,” she said as she climbed back into her bed.
Hannah smiled. “Yes, ma’am.” She crawled into the empty bed on the opposite side of Daisy’s, feeling immense gratitude for the girl for the second time that day.
Most of her thoughts were still focused on Becka; however. Hannah felt an ache in her chest as she thought of Becka’s face, twisted in agony and drenched in sweat. Knowing that she had possibly brought the nightmare on filled Hannah with immense guilt. She had no idea what she would say to Becka in the morning. Should she apologize? Act like nothing happened? Either way, all she could do now was hope that this wouldn’t ruin the small friendship they’d begun to build.