Chapter Text
Peeta’s POV:
Katniss seems to only get worse over the first week back in Twelve. I was starting to panic. She slept the majority of each day, buried beneath the sheets when I’d get up with that same empty look in her eyes. Getting food in her was like digging at rocks with my bare hands. I could hardly convince her to take more than one or two bites peer meal before she’d shut down on me. The only words I seemed to get out of her outside of our ‘real or not real’ game was an ‘I love you.’ Normally, I’d be overjoyed to hear it, but right now, Katniss was trying to put me at ease. It wasn’t working.
“Katniss, c’mon.” I pleaded, staring at the untouched plate in front of her. She didn’t even pretend to pick at it, staring at something past the food entirely. She looked – to say it nicely – on the verge of death. I sighed when she didn’t move, “Katniss, you can’t keep doing this to yourself.”
She didn’t even look at me. I swallowed down a growing lump in my throat, standing, “I’m going out for a bit. Please, Kat, try to get up and move around or for the love of god eat something.”
I walked over to her chair and kissed her hair, lingering for a second. Her eyes flicked up to mine for a moment, then disappeared away into her mind again. I sighed, turning to walk out the front door. I didn’t know where I was going. Haymitch, maybe? Not like he hadn’t been trying as hard as I had. He’d been over every day shooing me away to whisper something that Katniss hardly listened to before leaving with the same ‘keep an eye on her speech.’ I found myself, instead, going straight across the clearing to Katniss’ old house.
It wasn’t long after I knocked that Asterid opened the door, “Peeta?”
“I don’t know what to do. She’s shut down!” I didn’t wait to explain, and by the look of her face I didn’t need to. She moved to the side to let me in, “She’s hardly eating, and she won’t tell me anything. I know she’s not sleeping but she won’t talk to me about the nightmares. It’s like she is in some other plain entirely,” I paused, taking deep breaths as I ran my hand through my hair, “I can’t fix her this time; I’m scared for her.”
Asterid’s face softened, a hand reaching for my arm gently, “Peeta, honey, I’m so sorry. I should have been checking in on you both; I’ve been working to get Prim back to—”
My face fell, “I haven’t even spoken to her yet.”
“No, Peeta, it’s fine. We knew you and Katniss needed some time, or at least that is what I’ve been thinking. I see now that was a mistake.”
“How is she?” I brought a hand to my brow, trying to gather my running thoughts, “Has… has she been talking more? Any more flashbacks?”
Asterid frowned sadly, but her eyes moved behind me.
“It’s…” a voice too small for its own good started behind me, and I turned to see little Prim standing on the stairs, curled in on herself as she watched me. Her gaze was careful, like she couldn’t quite be sure it was me, “It’s just a lot… being back. Mom took me to see the district; they want to see you and…”
Her voice trailed off as her throat worked at the name. I smiled softly, “I know. She’s just not in any way ready to see them yet.”
“She’s still upset,” Prim notes, tilting her head to the left a little, “About what happened with Coin?”
I opened my mouth, then paused. In reality, I had no idea why Katniss had shut down. Even if I had asked, I doubted she would tell me, “I don’t know, Prim. She won’t talk to me.”
I watched Prim’s brow furrow up, thinking or maybe trying to figure out the same thing I had been – why isn’t she talking to me? To be fair, it was a great question. One I intended to figure out as soon as possible.
“So, she’s…” Prim paused; I could see her mind working through it. She was trying to help. A small smile formed on my lips, “She’s mad at herself?”
I raised my hands helplessly, “Yes? Probably, honestly. I just don’t know how to get her to talk to me about what she’s thinking.”
“Have you taken her to the meadow?” Prim took a few steps down the stairs, “That memory Snow couldn’t touch. I don’t think he knew it existed.”
There was a sour note to her tone, and I knew better than to push it. Prim was really, truly trying to help despite the conflict behind her eyes. Only issue was, I had no idea what she was talking about. Asterid caught on to my lost look and cut in.
“Maybe you should see if Katniss would show you. That may be something she’d be open to. If not, we’ll show you,” She smiled over to Prim, before moving closer and lowering her voice, “Be careful, Peeta. That’s where they’ve been burying the poor folk who didn’t make it out. I haven’t told Prim yet; I don’t think Katniss knows.”
I nodded slowly, “Maybe I should do something else then.”
Asterid pursed her lips, “Honestly, Prim’s onto something. Katniss has always said that place means a lot to her. Even with the state of it, it may be enough she’ll talk.”
I sighed, my hands finding my face again. The last thing I wanted was to make things worse, but at this point I was getting desperate, “Okay, I’ll give it a try then. If she won’t show me, I’ll come grab you guys. Thank you, Asterid, and thank you too, Prim. I’m sorry I haven’t stopped by sooner.”
She gave a small shrug, “It’s alright. I’ll see you around.”
I nodded, “I promise, I’ll come back soon and see you both.”
I turned to slip back out the front door and head back home before Prim stopped me.
“Peeta?”
Spinning back around, I saw Prim fidgeting with her hands, wringing them nervously, “Will you… tell Katniss I hope she’s okay?”
A warm buzz spread across my chest, “Of course I will, Prim.”
Finally making my way back to our house, I tried thinking through how to best approach this without accidentally sending Katniss spiraling. That was the last thing either of us needed. I slipped through the door, and found Katniss had left her seat at the table. I walked over, checking the plate. To my relief, there was small patched of food missing. It was something, at least.
“Katniss?” I called out, checking the couch first only to find it empty, “Hey, I’m back.”
I moved upstairs, checking her room to find it empty as well. I frowned but spun back around to head to my room. The door was shut – not how I had left it. Carefully, I knocked twice, “Hey, Kat? You in here?”
The shuffling of sheets told me she heard me. I waited, not wanting to barge in on her. After a minute, the door handle shook before Katniss peaked the door open. She looked so small right then. Half hidden behind the door, her long brown hair curtaining her face and draping over her shoulders, she peered up with teary eyes.
“Hey,” I smiled sadly, pushing the door further open to gather her in my arms. She leaned into my embrace, nuzzling into the collar of my shirt. I let us stay like this for a while, just holding her like I had the past week. Once I could feel Katniss shifting a bit in my arms, I pulled back to frame her face with my hands, tipping it up to look at her grey glassy eyes, “I want to go out for a bit. You think you’re up for a walk?”
Katniss avoided my eyes for a moment, looking anywhere but my face as if trying to avoid my question. When I didn’t release her, she met my gaze and shrugged. A soft smile lifted on my lips.
“Your mother mentioned there’s a meadow you liked to visit,” This got a reaction; Katniss’ focus seemed to home in on me now. This gave me the courage to keep pushing, “Would you be willing to show me it?”
I watched confusion flicker over Katniss’ face, then suspicion, before it finally melted away into careful though. I didn’t rush her and let her mull over my request. I’m sure she was trying to piece together why her mother told me about it and why I wanted to see it. My thumb ran over her cheek gently, hoping the soothing motions would keep her from feeling like I was needing a quick response.
When she finally seemed to bring a present gaze back to mine, I felt like I was looking back at Katniss’ eyes and not the far-off glassy gaze I had been met with the past week, “Yeah.”
I startled for a moment, a dopey grin forming before I could stop it. Hearing her song-sweet voice without me having to draw it out with a game was relieving, and the single word made it even better. She was going to take me there – this meadow. I made a mental note to thank Prim and Asterid later.
“Okay, how about I pack a small bag, and we can head out in a bit?” I offered, and she nodded, moving past me to her room where her clothes were. I was smiling like a fool as I got myself in more travel worthy clothing and moved to the kitchen to pack us a small bit of food and packed water. I had no clue how far out we’d be walking, so I figured it would be a smart plan to have them.
Eventually, Katniss joined my downstairs. She was dressed in something similar to her hunting outfit, minus her father’s jacket. Her hair was still down, but I could see a hair tie around her wrist. She seemed nervous, her hands wringing together as she stood watching me. Katniss was biting at her lip – I hadn’t seen her like this in a long time. My brow drew together and I carefully walked up to her, my hands running up her arm.
“We don’t have to go if it’s too hard, Kat.” I assured her gently, smiling softly as if it would prove my words. She shakes her head, though.
“No, we…” she paused, her lips re-captured in her teeth for a moment as she fishes for the words, “we should go.”
It’s not helping assure me much, but it was words, nonetheless. I let her lead us out of the house, the bag in hand as we take off down the road in the middle of Victor’s Village. As we pass Haymitch’s house, I see him eye us on the porch. Katniss being outside earns me a raise of his bottle, but I merely shrug. It was her choice; I only asked.
The walk was a lot longer than I had expected. We wound through a stretch of woods and heavily overgrowth areas. Katniss clearly knew exactly where she was going despite the wild scenery around us, so I just trudged along behind her without complaining.
The sun was bright above us when we finally reached the meadow. I had nearly completely forgotten Astrid’s warning. The dirt was turned up, and unmarked graves were dug. I turned to Katniss, panic welling under my skin, but her lips her merely parted.
“This is a good spot; no one will bother them here anymore.” She murmured softly, before moving further into the rolling hills. That wasn’t the reaction I expected, but I followed after her anyways. She settled beneath a large willow looking out over the expanse. Turning her grey eyes back to me, she reached for the bag, “Here, let's get this set up.”
We set up a small blanket across the dirt and settled down, sitting side by side. I passed her the cheese rolls I packed, watching as she nibbles mindlessly on it while staring into the distance. Eventually both of us finished the little food we brought and sat in silence. Katniss ended up shifting to lay her head against my shoulder, and I wrapped my arms around her.
“I’ve never brought anyone else out here.” Katniss mused at some point, breaking our silent peace. I turned my face to watch hers; she kept staring somewhere out into the distance, “Not even Gale.”
“I’m glad you brought me; it’s beautiful here.”
Sucking in a deep breath, Katniss snuggled closer, “It’s a good spot to bury them. I forget others know about the empty land sometimes.”
I watched her bite at her lip again, that nervous habit returning suddenly. As much as I hated pressing, she was talking and I needed to know what to do for her, “Katniss, please tell me what’s going on in your head. I’m really trying to help you.”
Finally, she turned her head up to look at my worried face, “I know, Peeta. I know I—”
She cut off, her eyes closing briefly, “I’m fighting my head right now. Being home… seeing everything is just…”
“I get it, Kat. I do.” My hand ran up and down her shoulder, moving to brush her cheek gently, “But shutting down is making you worse, honey.”
She went silent for a while, before sighing deeply, “I’ll keep trying, I promise.”
Her voice was hardly above a whisper, but there was an honesty to it, “I don’t want to do what my mother did and draw away. I just…”
“Just can’t find the will to keep going?” I offered, watching her eyes turn up to meet mine as she nodded slowly, “That’s okay. That’s what I’m here for, Kat. You just got to lean on me when you feel that way.”
She kept nodding slowly, eventually turned away to shift closer against my shoulder. Her silence had been a curse recently, but now there was something comforting in it. I knew she heard my words and was listening. Especially when her sweet voice began to hum a familiar tune out to the graves in front of us.