Chapter Text
Entry 3
Dear Diary,
Uh, so I'm feeling a little bit better after I took a break. Not nearly as…well as bloody insane as I was feeling before. I don't even know what that was, it just got so…so much so fast. Bloody hell mate, it was crazy! Normally I'm fine (well I've only existed for what? A week? So I haven't had that much info on what counts as "fine"), but during the last entry…I dunno.
I just got so scared and it felt like I was suffocating and couldn't get a breath in (and we know how scared I am of my head exploding (which sounds mental, and I know, I know, no need to tell me, I'm fully aware I'm a bloody dimwit )) and no matter what I did it just continued to get worse. I thought I was dying! Or at least it sure as hell felt like I was.
But, hey, good news mate 'cause I didn't! If I did die, I wouldn't be here writing this right now! I would be dead and in whatever possible after-life thingy might exist. Who knows what happens after you die. I certainly do not. And it's not something I'm certainly keen to figure out anytime soon.
Oh! Oh! But I do know a couple other things now! And it kinda sorta maybe connects to the list I made in the first entry, oh also I really need to rip it out 'cause flipping back and forth between the pages to remind myself of what it says is getting really bloody annoying but anyways! Back to what I discovered!
First of all, I know a little more about myself! I would like to admit that I'm super duper smart and did a ton of research and experiments and whatever to figure it out, but I am not and that did not happen. Instead it just kinda…came to me? Like I was sitting in my orbit and thinking, because what else can I do out here? It's thinking, thinking, and some more thinking until I find anything or anyone else to pacify my time (I am very bored if you couldn't tell already).
Anyways, as I was saying, I was just chilling in my orbit when boom! Out of bloody nowhere I get a sudden realization that I'm an Ice Giant! I didn't even know what that was at first–but information slowly filled my mind (and I started to feel so smart hehe), so now I know! I'm an Ice Giant, and an Ice Giant is a massive planet that is composed of elements (whatever those are) heavier than hydrogen and helium!
I don't know what a hydrogen is, nor whatever the heck is a helium, but it sounds cool! Cool…get it, because I'm an Ice Giant so I'm gonna be cold……..
Ugh nevermind. Stupid joke. Bloody hell what am I thinking? I'm not funny at all.
… swear I'm going to go insane aren't I? But not from being alone or whatever, no, no the boredom is going to get me first. There's nothing to do out here! I'm just talking to myself or writing in this notebook or focusing in on my gravity–
Oh, wait, that's another thing I wanted to talk about! Eugh sorry for getting so off track, I feel especially scattered today. It's annoying and my mind won't shut up or slow down, so I'm stuck with feeling like I'm going a bajillion bloody miles per hour (actually, I'm only going approximately 4.3 miles per hour…eugh nobody cares! Shut up, shut up, shut up!!!) and trying to hold onto at least just one thing without getting sidetracked.
I should've known it would be a bad day. I woke up and my body was hurting, sore like I had run a whole bloody marathon for crying out loud! But I haven't! I haven't moved from my orbit at all! It's the stupid annoying tugs pulling on me that's doing it, I know it is! That's what caused me to feel all sore and blegh, there's something (or…maybe someone? Another planet–maybe even another Ice Giant just like me! Ooh, ooh that would be bloody fantastic!!!) out there that's yanking on my core!
And that ties back into my original point I was trying to make: I have gravity! It's not something I noticed at first because, well, it's a little hard to exactly pin it down, but it's there. And it's so bloody sick! It's like…like this blanket that covers my orbit, or–or a lasso I can swing around to catch something and reel it in.
I've been practicing being able to control it better! Occasionally these little bits of space debris cross through my orbit or almost collide with me, and if I get the timing right I can grab them without crushing it! I just have to wrap my gravity around the rock things, and move so slow it drives me nuts, but I can touch something without destroying it!!!
So there's another thing that can keep me from going insane! Step 4 in the plan to survive has been making steady progress…but the other steps not so much. I guess I haven't died yet (but mate I swear I felt so, so goddamn close to dying completely in those moments when I couldn't breathe and my chest was so tight it felt like it was going to burst, but it didn't! And I'm still here! So take that universe, you haven't killed me yet!), so at least I have that going for me.
Step 1 and Step 2 have been going…a little bit slower. Trying to figure out who I am while simultaneously trying to explore what's beyond has not had a lot of progress. I found out I'm an Ice Giant, yes, but so far that's been the only bloody thing I've discovered!
Ugh, even if it's frustrating I haven't abandoned it yet, because if I do one thing with this life it's going to be sticking with something until I succeed. I can't give up if it, what? Gets hard? No! Things are supposed to be hard! Bloody hell, could you imagine if I just gave up every time something got a little too difficult. None of the progress I made would ever exist–and even if it's not that much progress, it's still something! I'm not totally useless I swear!
I want to do something with this life, even if I haven't been alive for that long. And standing around doing nothing except hoping something is going to happen isn't the way I want to go about it.
I have to…to take control! Yes, that's it! If I want something done I'm gonna have to be the one to do it stars-dammnit! I need to get off my lazy core and start doing something, or for the rest of my life it's just going to be this. Waiting around in eternal boredom–waiting for someone else to save me.
If I ever meet another bloody person in this eternal void that is…
Which I will! I know I will! There has to be someone else out here! I can feel them almost constantly. And I know I'm not making this up because it's really bloody annoying and driving me bonkers–and I wouldn't do that to myself! Who would create a hallucination that purposefully drives them nuts?
…or is that the point of a hallucination? Ugh, whatever, the point is that I know it's not in my head. I can feel it in–in my core that this is real. I swear! Ugh, I don't even know how to describe it without sounding like I'm going bloody mad, but it's like this…primordial knowledge? A feeling that I just know I'm not the only one out here.
I think I might've mentioned it before, but it's still been taking up a lot of my thoughts. If I'm not the only one out here, then who else is there? Is there another Ice Giant like me? Is there a star I'm orbiting–actually wait no stupid question. Of course I'm orbiting a star! I can feel that I've been moving through space at a steady speed, and there's something keeping me from flying off course. If there was no star, I wouldn't be an Ice Giant, I would be a rogue planet! But I'm not. I'm an Ice Giant with an orbit, so there must be a star, or something pretty big, that has got me in its hold.
…do they know about me?
Do they know I'm out here? I don't think I can move from my orbit (or at least I haven't tried, but it seems like something you're not supposed to do. And I would very much like to not die if something goes wrong and I get flung into deep space), so I can't figure out who it is and if they are even sentient like me.
But…but what if they aren't? I know the asteroids I've found every so often aren't alive (or at least I hope they aren't. They don't have faces nor any of the fancy feeling gravity like the others, so I just assumed they weren't alive. Bloody hell, I really, really, really hope they aren't. Or else I am very guilty of murder), but who's to say the maybe-probably-hopefully star isn't also like that? What if it's just planets who are sentient?
What if it's just me?
I don't want to be alone. It's scary out there. It's dark and cold and oh my stars can I stop panicking over everything??? Eugh, bloody hell mate it's like I'm constantly on overdrive and going a million miles per hour and have no brakes so I can't stop and I'm about to hit someone and I can see them. I can see their horrified face and I can't do anything to stop myself from hitting them. It's that split second right before we collide that I'm in a constant state of feeling like.
It's hard to distract myself. But I'm trying. Because I don't want to be feeling like this all the time. And I will find a way to stop it…the list helps. Doing something gets my mind off the impending feelings of doom. Having a job to do keeps the dread at bay. The dread that finds a way to seep through at every bloody opportunity just to torment me with thoughts that I don't want to hear!
I'm so tired.
But I'm not giving up! If I give up then everything falls apart. The grass is always greener on the other side. Or something. I don't know where that phrase came from but it feels true! I just have to stick with what I'm doing, and if it doesn't work then just try a different direction! But no giving up. If I give up, I give into the darkness, and then all is for nothing.
I'm determined to find another person out here. If I find another person, then it'll get better! I just know it will. It's another one of those 'I can feel it deep down and know it's true' type of things. Even if I haven't met them, whoever they are, I just know we'll get along great.
Alright. Okay. Yes! With that in mind, I think I'm gonna continue trying to strengthen my gravity. If I can just hone in on wherever the tugging is coming from, then I can tug at them back, and it'll be like we're having a conversation! Easy as pie! And then if I manage to "talk" with them, maybe I can learn more about the others and if there is more than just this out there.
Hehehe, bloody hell I can't wait to meet them–whoever they are, wherever they are, I'm so excited.
Alrighty welp I'm gonna get to work now mate, so byeeee and hopefully whenever I write next I'll have good news!