Chapter Text
When the envelope is presented to my shaking hands, I almost reach out to gently shove it away. I am much too tired to glance at the contents, or even move into a proper sitting position. I am so weak I could not even recall the last time I had eaten. Willingly, that is. But kanae refuses to move from my bedside; even going as far as to ignore my orders, which is so very unlike him. So with little resolve left, I give up my stubbornness and sit up. Heavily leaning on the pillows as I tear into the envelop marked with a single 1.
How odd, I thought, but carry on regardless. I had expected a letter of some sort, but instead all I feel is a smooth surface, not unlike that of the Polaroids Chie takes. I pull it out gingerly, and turn it around, when all I am presented with is a white background. Is this some sort of joke? I finally get to see the image, and my breath rushes out of my lungs. I sink further into the bed, swallowed up by the many soft pillows and duvets. It was him. I don't know how it is him. How he managed to survive, or how the little mouse came to know of his existence. I hadn't the slightest idea, but I was glad for it. I dident even care about the obvious stark white dove coat he wore, or how different he looked. It was Kaneki in that photograph. Tears now ran run freely down my cheeks, and though a million thoughts race through my mind, for the first time in years I felt hope.
"Kanae," my voice is raspy from misuse, but he straightens up all the same. A tense look on his face. "Tell me the details."
~
I am talking to the Quinx when I meet Tsukiyama Shuu. We have just exited headquarters, and are on our way to where my mask had come from that Christmas day, when the very same man topples over in front of us.
I instantly drop to the ground, harsh gravel cutting into my knees as I kneel beside him. The members of my squad following suit only a moment later to help the man sprawled out before us. I hear Saiko remark on his suit, and I have to say that I agree with her. The rose patterns decorating the jacket are very colorful, and gave off an inescapable eccentric vibe. To be honest, I didn't know if he just has bad taste in fashion, or if he is very wealthy. Nevertheless, he might be hurt, and I was determined to help him. It is my duty as an investigator.
The man supports himself on his forearms, and despite his unkempt hair partially covering his face, I could make out his eyes staring fixedly on mine. I am startled by the staggering amount of recognition behind them. What is so familiar about him? I an just about to reach out to the man, when I see Kaneki standing not even a meter away from us; studying the man intensely. I try to ignore him to the best of my abilities, and return my focus to the man on the ground.
"Umm, is everything alright?" I ask him, letting a look of concern replace the shock I (hopefully) only briefly displayed. If possible, the man's eyes widen even further.
Not content with letting him stay on the ground, I extend my arm to him once more. "Can you stand up? I'll give you a shoulder." I offer, lifting the man to his unsteady feet. He is a lot taller than I had thought, but alarmingly thin. Is he sick? He looked as if he hadn't slept in years, and could barely support his own weight.
Unexpectedly, a younger man dressed in a heavy coat and sunglasses rushes onto the scene, taking hold of the taller man and leading him away.
"Excuse us!" He apologizes, not even looking back. From where I stand, I can hear the man lecturing the other heatedly.
"Master Shuu... Just what are you..?" But his master seemed to remain in his previous daze. He mumbles "that's odd... Even though it's me.." The smaller man appears saddened with Shuu's answer, and lightly settles him into a wheelchair before rushing away.
"What's up with him? He's all skin and bone." Shirazu wonders out loud from behind as we watch them disappear from sight.
"I hope he's okay..." I say, now scanning the crowded area for Kaneki, but all I see are other investigators and civilians; still staring at us after the confrontation with the man. He is absent as well.
~
"Shouldn't we... Ask for permission for this strategy?'' Shirazu ponders from where he sits in the mask makers shop. This makes me pause.
Hmm, I probably should have done that earlier, I think wearily, already predicting the outcome of such a request. The CCG has such a firm stance when it comes to ghouls, therefore it would likely be out of the question to allow this mission to even happen.
But it wasn't out of the question to experiment on children? A bitter voice seethes in the back of my mind, and for once, I don't know which one of us is speaking.
~
"No." Is special class Koori Ui's immediate response. We stood in one of the many meeting rooms when I proposition my idea for the new investigation. As expected, it was being shot down for the usual reasons. I knew I shouldn't have left it till the last minuet, or gotten my hopes up, but I am still frustrated with the blatant dismissal. Not even a moment of consideration was taken before delivering the verdict. Also no recommendation of a hearing to discuss the plan.
Clearly, an investigator having an open mind was too much to ask for.
"For a ghoul investigator to pretend to be a ghoul of all things," He crosses his arms, facing away from me now. "I'm not so sure if your dignity as an investigator anymore."
We wouldn't be pretending... Kaneki points out.
"But", I try to interrupt, even though my superior has already made up his mind.
"Sasaki." They cut in. "If you lose sight of good sense, where will the justice be? Don't kid yourself into thinking that it's good to do the unexpected." He sighed. "As the leader of S1, I can't give you permission."
Disappointment washes over me, and it was all I could do to keep myself under control and mumble my departure before shuffling out of the room.
~
"Sassan. Did you see the video?" Shirazu mutters, catching me by surprise. It's not that I didn't hear him emerge from his room, I merely failed to register it, not after...
"I did." A pause. "That method, it's just too cruel, no mater how you look at it." I stare down blankly at the hands in my lap. "It's completely wrong..."
.
.
.
"Hey Rose. For convenience, that's what we'll be calling you lot." Kijima's scratchy voice buzzes over the shaky camera work; adding to the static picked up by the recording. That, and the raspy breathing of the ghoul kneeling beside him. He faces downward, black inky hair masking most of his face and eyes. Blood stains the shirt he is wearing, as well as the checked floor beneath him. "
I was thinking of letting you in on how we're going to deal with one of your guys we caught the other day." Kijima prattles on, positively giddy with whatever he has done, or is planning to do to the ghoul. The investigator lowers the camera to show his hand now on the younger mans trembling shoulder-
"We interrogated him over and over again, but it seems like he'll never talk."
-the camera pans up-
"And so, I thought..."
- Zooming in on a table, a bloody tongue is displayed; surrounded by various surgical instruments. "
He didn't need his tongue." He states, like it was the most normal conclusion anyone could have stumbled across. " Well, from my point of view, he has too many things he doesn't need."
Now he is directly in front of the lens, smiling wickedly at his work, and his deformed face stretches with the effort of expressing the pure pleasure he got from torture. "
I am the only one who knows where this place is. You could maybe save him if you kill me." He taunts. "I am Shiki Kijima. You won't forget my face once you've seen it. You can kill me anytime, day night, whatever."
"I'll be waiting for you, Rose."
The screen goes black. My fingers shake above the computer mouse; the screen displaying the CCG website blurring behind my eyes. I soon have to rest my head in my hands to stop the terror that consumes me even long after the screen goes black. From behind me, reflected in the now mirror like desktop, I could see Kaneki huddled in the corner of our room. Cowering. His hands over his ears. His eyes bleeding, and hollowed out.
~
"There has to be another way." I wish, but I know it doesn't work like that. Humans. Ghouls. When it came down to it, really, what was the difference? Both have done, and will do terrible things for the good of their species. Nothing will ever change.
I resist pinching the bridge of my nose when the headache comes. It doesn't last long, but the flashes are disorienting.
'Dammiiiit! I want to kill him. I wanna kill him I wanna kill him I wanna kill HIM!' Yamori shouts at me-
I got the feeling that I truly, truly , truly, was a monster-
- Screaming- '
The Chinese red-headed centipede... Have you heard of it?'- 'Please... Stop... ' -
'I'm gonna try putting this guy in your ear, all right? - Rustle. Rustle. I caN FEEL IT MOVING IN MY HEAD! -
As soon as it begins it ceases, and I end up more frustrated and terrified than ever. I hear Shirazu add something else behind me, but when I ask him what he had said he just leaves. More words from under his breath. I don't blame him. Everything about the past few days has been stressful and exhausting. I needed to clear my head.
With new determination, I stride into my room, plan and destination clear in my mind.
~
"Hey." A voice calls out, startling me away from the pages of my book. I look around in a haste searching the origin of the voice, only to have my eyes land on... The man from the other day?
Shuu?
I observe him as he walks over to me. His movements would have been graceful, if not for the strange stiffness in his body and the hesitation in his steps. What would he have to be wary about?
Kaneki is quick as always to offer his opinion, but I burry him deeper in my mind.
"Ah, thank you for helping me the other time." He offers me a charming smile, but I pick up on the unease a second time. There's something different about this man, but I ignore it for now. I hurry to find something else to mull over, and feel disappointed when I only just now realized he was standing on his own now.
" You're not in a wheelchair today, and you look less pale." I compliment, and he takes my small talk as an invitation to continue the conversation. "May I sit next to you?" He politely asks, and I feel my own hesitation growing as I offer the space beside me. I have no reason to be on guard around him, but a familiar sinking feeling leads me to believe he is the complete opposite of a stranger.
We sit idle for a moment, as I awkwardly fiddle with the pages of my book, thinking fast of words to fill the silence. Luckily, Shuu appears to have mastered the art of discussion, because before I know it we were chatting about our favourite books and author's. To be honest, I was enjoying myself, and am able to talk more freely than I had in forever. The conversation flowed that naturally.
"I have this uncanny ability to guess what kinds of books people are into." He boasts, now casually leaning against the tree behind the bench where we sat, his hand resting close my own. Accepting his bait, I took him up on his bluff.
"... Oh really?" I tempt him, eager to hear his best guess. For someone who likes to read as much as I do, I'm not as open of a book as everyone would think. How could this man who I'd only been talking to for a half an hour possibly read me? However, I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.
"You like books by Takatsuki, right?" He states, a knowing smirk that I was probably not supposed to see following his claim. It didn't matter, I was to busy concealing the shock of hearing the familiar authors name. I had told no one about my strange, almost instinctual fondness for those books. It's likely the Quinx or Arima had seen the titles in my book shelf, but there was no way Shuu could have known. Looking back down at the novel I had been skimming, I confirm it was not one of Takatsuki's works. This leads me to the only possible conclusion. I had been correct.
I knew it! I knew it all along. Somewhere in my past life, me and Shuu had to have known each other. I was confident in this. Sure, it really could have been a lucky guess, but I doubted it. Besides that, I also relied heavily on Kaneki's reaction the other day. There's no way he would have been able to hide his relief over seeing a member of his previous life still alive. Or his fear of me discovering them.
"Yeah..." I trailed off, letting him revel in his victory while I decide whether or not to divulge the whole truth of how I felt towards the books. What if I gave something away that I was on to him?
Once I realize he's someone from his- our past, its easy to figure why he is here. He would either be trying to get close to me again, or attempt to help me remember. Neither would exactly help me in the position I was in, but for now I had no immediate reason to turn him away. So, in the end, "I read some, but I'm kind of bad with them..." I decided to trust him.
My answer is probably not what he was expecting though. "Hey?" He queried, confused.
"Apart from her short stories, all the important, or main characters die in her works." I smile in faint remembrance of a time long ago, when I used to be comforted by the morbid tales. But now that I am older, I realize...
"It's a little heartbreaking." I summarize, giving him a chance to cut in, or disagree with me. But, interestingly, Shuu eagerly waits for me to carry on. He is surprised with my take on the novel's, but Still wanted to hear more. He waved me on, and I take his hint to keep talking. Its rare to meet someone as taken by books as I was.
"Behind the skilled expressions and sophisticated writing style, unidentifiable sorrow, anger, emptiness... Dark emotions show through." I get to the point, knowing myself well enough to admit I could go on forever on the various negative, pessimistic emotions I got from Sen's many works. Shuu, to his credit, does not grow impatient with me, or ask me to hurry along. "Maybe she's succumb to despair, and has no hope for anyone. I think that's why she just wants to destroy everything." I finish, slightly embarrassed and short of breath after talking for so long, and for creating a rather heavy atmosphere. Luckily, Shuu comes to my rescue once again.
"T-that's a unique point of view. That's very interesting." He manages to get out, stumbling over the words as he got more and more excited. I nod politely, and we spoke for a few more minutes. He is just about to suggest we meet up again like this, when I hear approaching footsteps, and Mutsuki and Saiko calling out for me. I turn to face them, wondering how they found me, but grateful for familiar faces. Laughing, I eagerly greet my subordinates. "Mutsuki, Saiko, making your boss wait for you, you've gotten pretty full of yourselves." I teased, recalling now that I had asked them to meet me here.
At my light-hearted scolding, Mutsuki became rather nervous, and hurried to explain what had kept them so long, while Saiko on the other hand was perfectly at ease. As per usual. Feeling rude, I addressed Shuu again as I was getting ready to leave. "I'm sorry, I got to get back to work." I apologize, telling him to take care of himself before I departed, Saiko's grip tight on mine as she pulls me away. Anxious to start moving again. She never can stay still I fondly think, letting my subordinate drag me away. All the while feeling Shuu's eyes on my back the whole time.
~
"There's a new rose report. Evidence shows Rose and Aogiri tree have some sort of an alliance." An investigator begins, setting the mood and subject matter for the meeting. A look around the table confirms what everyone was thinking. Aogiri has always been a problem for the CCG, but if Rose was in league with them, that could spell serious trouble. From what I've seen so far, Rose is cementing themselves as a formidable enemy.
"Rose and Aogiri," Shirazu reported, "ambushed our Q's during the investigation. We counterattacked and forced a retreat."
I nodded along with him, folding my arms on the table. "This is speculation, but they might be targeting associate special class Kijima for revenge because of the video." I'm more than a little nervous implying the recent ghoul attacks were thanks to Kijima's video. Not only because I could be completely wrong in my assumptions, but because - quite frankly - he scared me. Knowing and seeing first hand what he was capable of made me very hesitant to cross him. Ever. He reminded me of someone I don't think I'd want to remember.
"My, my. The video seems to be bringing unexpected results." He giggles, presumably not at all worried for his life, or the lives of others could potentially be at risk because of his actions.
"Result!?" Special class Koori sits up straighter, an angry expression on his face. "This is giving us unnecessary trouble!" Rank one Furuta agreed. "Associate special class, that is not a result."
"That so? If Rose and Aogiri get together for revenge, then all we need to do is prepare for battle, and we can find a trail to both those groups." The associate special class replied, extending a hand. "If that isn't a result, then what is?"
Special class Koori did not agree. "That depends on whether they took your Invite or not, right?" He tries to argue, but others do not share his opinion, it seemed.
"I also agree with Kijima." Announced Hairu rather bravely, despite Koori's vaguely disgusted sneer at her. "As long as we beat them, its no problem right? In the end, if we can't beat them, we wont catch Rose." Is her argument. For a moment, it looked as if she had convinced a few fellow investigators to side with her, until Koori's cold logic sliced through her rationalization.
"Why would anyone throw a fish net after seeing just a shadow?" His voice drips with contempt over being challenged by a mere first class investigator. Even if briefly. "The problem is that we still don't have a full picture of our foe."
Hairu, realizing the debate was better left alone, retreated from Koori's gaze, and rested her head on the table. Considering her withdrawal a sign to continue, the Special class dove did just that. "Is our new enemy Rose and a few Aogiri, or is it Rose and all of Aogiri? The situational difference is too large!" He reasons, and heads around the table begin nodding with renewed grim expressions over our lack of data on Rose.
Yeah, what a disheartening position. Kaneki suddenly whispers to me, sending shivers down my spine, and I spied an odd look from Shirazu, who noticed me stiffen.
If only... There was a way to get the information. My eyes widened as I caught on to what he's suggesting. I have wanted another chance to present my idea to a group of investigators who have some pull in the CCG, and now I have the perfect opportunity. The ramifications from not only Akira, but Koori would not be pleasant, but if I could just somehow get the approval I need, then I wouldn't care how much trouble I got myself into.
"If their forces are too strong, even S1 cant handle them..." The Special class trailed off, most likely assuming everyone's silence meant they agreed with him. "If we can grasp the full situation.."
Its now or never. "If we know their forces, it should be enough right?" I interrupt, Ignoring the fact that Koori's glare is now trained on me. "Special class Ui, please reconsider my proposal battle plan." I know he is not happy with me for going behind his back and disobeying orders, but even he would not be able to keep the confused whispers of those around us under wraps. In the end, he gave in.
"... First class Sasaki, please clarify." Taking my chance, I stand up, almost knocking my chair over in my nervousness, and I grip the table. Being careful not to crush the shiny wood between my fingertips. "Y-yes! my plan is to use the ghoul habits and our Qs properties..."
After I am finished going over all of the important details, I sat back down. Grateful to no longer be the center of attention. Koori is still very displeased with me, but all my cards are on the table for everyone to see. Now, I just needed to pray going against my superiors would pay off.
"Lets have a vote then." Ui proposed, not failing to notice how the whispers have erupted once more after I said my part. "First class Sasaki's 'operation mask'. Those who are rank one above, and not part of the Qs squad, please raise your hand if you approve.
The vote is not instantaneous, but its clear by the resolve of the present investigators what the resounding answer would be. Shiki Kijima is the first to raise his gloved hand. "I think the plan is great. Why was it held off?" Next is Furuta Nimura, then Hairu, Kuramoto, Shinji, and finally Taishi Fura.
"The results are in."
For: 6 Against: 4
First class Sasaki's proposed 'operation mask': Approved.
~~~~~~~~
Two weeks later....
"Well then, what about you, Sasan?" Shirazu asks me once we have gone over the information we had acquired over the past few weeks. Bringing the Q's attention to me. "Huh?" I let out, caught off guard, and without a proper lie thought through. How could I tell them the reason why I hadn't compiled any tips or info of substance? That would only make them wonder more. Question more about their squad leader who couldn't remember most of his life before his 20s?
"Ahh.. well.. Not doing too well.." I deflect. If I couldn't think fast on my feet, then I would brush it off. Play innocent. I could tell out of the corner of my eye Mutsuki was not fully convinced. None of them were, except for Urie, who looked like he could care less what I have or have not unearthed from the ghouls. But they trusted me. Only adding to my guilt.
Eager to get away from the discussion, I jump at the chance to move on with the night. The wind slicing through my thin coat at this altitude. "Anyways, everyone should conclude their reports. One of the conditions of this operation is turning in valuable reports" I urge them. And with that, we leave for home.
The terrified screams of the ghouls that fled from me that night stick with me for days to come. They had called me Eyepatch.
As we head towards the exit, Shirazu turned to me, a bemused look on his face I could now see since he removed his mask. "What?"
He just shook his head in further contemplation. "Nothing, its just... You really look like a ghoul Sassan." The other Qs now stop to take another look at me, and I could tell they all agreed with Shirazu. I hated their prying eyes on me. In that moment, all I want to do is rip the mask off of my face. To never feel the cold leather against my skin ever again; to distance the slowly shrinking gap between me and Kaneki.
I am Haise. I am Haise, I chant in my head, and laugh off my subordinate's claim. Even when my stomach turns to ice with nerves.
"Really? I think its scary how the gums are showing..."
~
A few days after operation mask has concluded, and after just as many sleepless nights, I give in to my curiosities, and find myself searching in the room where they keep the write-ups and reports from past missions. Its the only place I can think of where I could read about the Eyepatch ghoul. I have already tried the CCG database, but came up dry about my past self. It is dangerous, but it's a safer risk than asking around CCG in person. That would've gotten me killed faster than the blink of an eye; probably by people I've known and worked with for years. People I would even consider my friends.
I could always just ask Kaneki, but I had a feeling he wouldn't talk to me about it.
So hours later, and only a few books with lackluster leads to show for it, I am seriously considering throwing in the towel.
'The Eyepatch ghoul!' One of the ghouls I try to question cries out, backing away from me so fast he almost trips over his own two feet. All I had done was show my face. 'Why..?!' The other is already way ahead of his partner, running away and losing himself in the Tokyo ally's. I don't bother pursuing them; I'm still taken aback by how harshly they had reacted. I knew I was a dangerous ghoul, but had I really been that horrible?
"Is there... No info at all?" I wonder aloud, running my fingertips along the covers and titles, looking for something that jumped out at me while my thoughts run amuck. What would happen if I couldn't find anything? Would I just have to leave well enough alone? Will I eventually break down and beg Kaneki for answers when I can't stand being left in the dark one more day? A large part of me is still frightened of my past self. The fact that two reasonably capable ghouls ran for the hills at the mere sight of me solidifies that fear. But its still hard to completely fear someone and pass judgment when all you know about them is the flashes and fragments of a life that once was.
Kaneki's existence is so restricted he's more of a scary story told around a fire than a person. Each tale almost more ridiculous and elaborate than the last. Maybe if I knew more than just his name, I would have a good reason to lock him within the deepest confines of my mind, and toss the key even further away.
Just as I am about to give up, I stumble across a row of older reports based on attacks or investigations in the 20th ward. My intrigue gets the better of me, and I choose one at random. Cracking it open, the first thing that sticks out to me is how rough the work is; like it was scribbled down and catalogued away. Is this a draft report..? I skim through the beginning of a random paragraph, and my breath catches in my throat.
'... About the Eye-patch ghoul..'
Is... Is this report about me? Have I finally found information about Kaneki? Eager to find out for sure, I continue.
'About the Eye-patch ghoul. First encountered while on a mission with First-class Mado to investigate Fueguchi...'
Fueguchi? Did they mean Hinami?
'... I suspect he has some kind of connection to 'Rabbit.'
Rabbit? I have heard that alias before, but I had no idea who they are, or what their relation could have been to me. Even more Intrigued than before I keep reading; looking for more info on Rabbit; having momentarily forgotten my quest for clues about my past, but the next paragraph jumps to the following sighting of eyepatch. A battle in the 11th ward, then a lab, and it ends there; abrupt and unsatisfying.
Was that it? After hours of searching, that's all I could find? A few notes scribbled down by an investigator I've never even heard of, and who barely shows up in the database.
"Amon... Kotaro..."
I'm so overcome with frustration I could have ripped the report in half, when a stabbing pain rips through my head. Not unlike the feeling I encountered when I had a flashback... Or lately, when I was in the presence of Arima.
A sob of distress from behind me draws my attention from the report, and sends cold shivers down my spine. There is a chance its just a coincidence, but past experience tells me exactly who I can expect to see.
"It hurts.."
I turn slowly, and am met with a long checkered hallway instead of the room I was just in. Kaneki, who looked a little older than usual, is at the end of that hallway. He appears only a few years younger than I, and is clothed in shabby garments clearly several sizes too big for his thin frame. Around his wrists, were a pair of handcuffs broken at the chain. They jangle around his bloody wrists when he moves to cover his face with his hands. I worry he would begin to claw his eyes out again, but all he did was cry.
"I killed him." He whispers, his voice broken up with grief and regret, which only made me wonder more.
"Huh?" Is the only thing I manage to get past my lips. I try to move a little closer, but the next words spoken are louder. A warning to steer clear. "I killed him... Its my fault.." If it was possible, he curls up even further into himself; his fingers now pressing angrily in his head like he's trying to crush his skull in. Just looking at the action sends more stabbing pains through my head.
I watch on in horror as he keeps mumbling to himself, rocking ever so slightly when he manages to stay still for more than a few seconds.
"I... Killed Amon..."
"I... Killed Amon?
~~~~~~~~
"This is S2, we have shot down the Tsukiyama groups helicopter! I repeat..." I watch, almost in a daze as the helicopter filled with ghouls trying to flee the massacre, is destroyed before me; Leaving an explosion of fire and wreckage in its wake. The horrific smell of burning corpses fills the night air as what is left of the machine plummets stories below to the ground. No one was screaming, but what really got my attention, is the silent presence of someone behind me. Even before I whip my head around, I know who it is. Still, it does nothing to diminish my surprise.
I couldn't decide if I'm relieved or disappointed he's still alive. "... You're..!"
He says nothing this time; a defeated, exhausted look on his face. It hurt to look at Tsukiyama in the eye when he stares me down like that; even if I deserve it.
"We've shot down the helicopter!"
"We've eliminated any chance of escape from the roof!"
The victorious shouts of my superiors through the earpiece take me out of the tense situation, and buy me more time to think through the next steps I would have to take to save Tsukiyama's life.
"First class Sasaki! How's the situation over there?" Ui yells over the chaos on the lower floors.
Never mind.
I thought I would have time to talk to Tsukiyama; time to explain. Hell, to help him escape from the mindless slaughter; to apologize for my part in it. Even without Kaneki's non-stop screaming in my head, I knew this was wrong. But since I'm only a first class investigator, and not a very well trusted one at the best of times. There Isn't much I could do that won't draw suspicion towards myself. And voicing my hatred over killing my own kind would only create more trouble than what me or my squad needed at the moment, so that was out. Helping Tsukiyama at this point in the operation was now nearly impossible.
"Sasaki!" Ui yells again, and this time I know remaining silent will do us no good. Staring Tsukiyama down, I give my superior a response. "I... Have no confirmation on Tsukiyama's son yet." I manage to sound convincing as I deliver the lie, and watch Shuu's expression go from worried to confused. This is probably not what he was expecting.
"... Roger. Remain on standby there."
"Ok." I answer back, and that is the end of the conversation. Now I have Tsukiyama's complete attention, if I hadn't before.
It's quiet for a moment. Disturbingly so for an extermination mission, but eventually I can't help but get something off my mind. "You... So you were a Tsukiyama as well." He takes no time replying. "Making a false report to your boss... Are you taking pity on me?"
"I've been ordered to exterminate you." That makes him smile. I can't tell if what I have said makes him angry, or he thinks that I'm no match for him. Nevertheless he says nothing, so I carry on. "Due to our positions, we have no choice but to fight. But... Before that, I want to talk to you."
A sudden gust of wind whips around us; tousling his vibrant hair.
"... What do you want to ask? Are you trying to learn more about yourself from me before you kill me?"
Is that what he thinks? I can't say I blame him, since I did ask him earlier to tell me more about myself, but that is no longer part of the plan. I am out of options when it comes to unlocking my past - besides the flashbacks - because he is in danger. The only reason he is still alive right now is because I lied to Ui to save him. But he doesn't know that, nor would he believe me if I tried to tell him. With time steadily running thin, I see no other way to save his life than to take custody of him like I did with Hinami. I feel the guilt of the situation eating me alive, but with the CCG in the building and surrounding the streets, chances of escape are practically nonexistent. I have no choice.
"Please surrender-"
Please forgive me, Tsukiyama.
Please forgive me, Tsukiyama
"Then I could ask the CCG if I could have ownership rights over you."
"Surrender, you say?" With reflexes quicker than I would ever have thought him capable of, he sprints towards me. Fury in his expressive eyes. Forgetting the quinque in my grasp, I leave myself defenceless for his attack.
A sharp kick that cracks my ribs sends me flying back, and I cough up blood when I roughly land. "I would NEVER do that!" He snarls at me, and there is no pity in his next assault as he takes out all of his anger and fear on my body. "My father... And the servants... Have all risked their lives to make sure I survive. This body is no longer my own."
I groan from where I collide with the wall, and try to put up a decent fight, but for as weak as he had appeared, he is much stronger than me at the moment.
"Are you saying I should surrender?" He incredulously implores, "and just sit around carelessly at cochlea until I get killed?" He moves closer now, his kagune wrapped around his arm in a menacingly familiar way. "I will fight in order to survive." His kakugan activates. "Mister Sasaki... I don't know ANYTHING about you."
If I do nothing, I know he will kill me. The last thing I want to do is fight him, but like I said before, I don't have a choice. Rising from the ground beneath me, I let my kagune rip through the lower part of my shirt, and prepare myself for the battle.
Abruptly, and without warning, agony tears through my skull. My vision fades in and out, and I am almost sick because of the sudden vertigo. I grip my head, doubling over in pain.
Why? Why now?! I think, but the flashback is already starting
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"Kaneki!" I turn around, and look at the group of people who have risked their lives tonight to help free me from my prison at Aogiri. In my rush to get as far away from the compound, I nearly forgot they were even there. Now that I'm not distracted, I see what condition they are in. Most of them, save for a few, are covered in deep wounds and bruises. Yomo-san had to support Touka, who was still hurt from her brothers vicious attack, and Banjou was carrying a man I don't recognize. They are lucky to make it out with their lives.
"Looks like... You're done here." He observes. There may have been a question somewhere in his words, but I can't tell.
"... Yes." I reply. In truth, I don't feel accomplished at all; letting the man who put me through agony for over ten days live still feels wrong to me, but I stand by that decision. I'm not like him; I could never kill someone when they're down. I couldn't.
"It seems to be over." Yomo muses, almost to himself, as he studies what used to be Aogiri's base from a distance. It looks completely deserted now, save for the helicopter flying overhead.
Slowly, the adrenaline keeping us tense and on our feet wears off, and they separately come to the realization that it's really done for now. Nishiki, somewhat faster than the others.
"For a moment there, I thought I was going to die." He manages to laugh at this, stretching his arms behind his head in a relaxed position. "It's hard to believe I'll be going back to a normal life and university soon."
The thought makes me pause, and fills me with a strange sort of sadness. I'm not going back to my normal life like the rest of them. How could I? That life ended when I went on that date with Rize. And even if I wanted to go back to it all, there is no place for me anymore. I'm different now.
"There's also work at Anteiku." He continues on, and I can feel Touka staring at me now. "Hey.... You..." She begins, hesitantly, which is off from her usually abrasive nature. It's almost like she didn't know how to talk to me anymore. The possibility makes me feel lonely. Nevertheless, she still has my full attention.
"When we get back, why don't we change your hair colour?" She couldn't even look me in the eyes when she was talking. I knew I changed on the inside, but did I really look so different?
"If you work in the shop like that, you'll stand out a lot..." I can not help but smile as she says this. The prospect of going back to Anteiku makes me happy, but I've already decided what I need to do.
"I won't be returning to Anteiku."
All the individual conversations abruptly stop, and everyone is looking at me in surprise. Even shock. Touka is the most bewildered. Eyes wider than I'd ever seen. "There are things I want to do." I clarify, turning away from the gawking at me. I hated that I was disappointing some of them, but I hated the stares more. "For that reason, I need to prepare. I have to get stronger. There are still a lot of things I need to find out. I have no time."
"Ka... Kaneki." Banjou stammers, and I glance over to him. He briefly flinches, but is able to get the words out. "You really saved my life this time. I also want to cooperate with you." He takes a deep, steadying breath, and I try but fail to keep the astonished look off my face. "I can be your shield or helper, whatever you need me to do. Though, I may not... Be of any use..."
I extend my arm to him. "Thank you Banjou-San. You can help me. Let's do our best together." I was intending to do this by myself, but who am I to deny him his offer? It would be cruel of me to wave off his gesture of gratitude. Though, I will admit a part of me is happy I would not be alone on this mission. For a second, he appears surprised I actually took him up on it, but then his face lit up with joy, and he eagerly shakes my hand with enough enthusiasm that even I have to smile. Of course the masked trio quickly follow their friends path, and things are going more peaceful than I expected.
The sound of clapping draws our eyes over to Tsukiyama, who has been observing the situation with growing interest, and I find myself freezing up even after everything I'd been through over the last few weeks. The last time I saw him, he was on the floor of the church where he'd tried to eat Ms. Kimi. I thought he was dead, or at least close to it. Seeing him alive and well made me more nervous than Jason in the end. I think it's because I trusted him when we first met; I never trusted Jason.
"What a wonderful plan!" He exclaims, striding over to us with his arms outstretched in a welcoming manner. He soon comes up behind Banjou-San, and wraps an arm around the bigger mans shoulders. Both men seem uncomfortable with the situation, and I'm left wondering where he's going with this.
"If Monsieur Banjoi is the shield then-"
"It's Banjou, but..."
Suddenly, he drops to his knees, extending an arm to me in a dramatic gesture that seems overboard even for him. I see Banjou's confused look in my peripherals, and I can't help but agree with him.
"I will become the knight that cuts down your road of thorns. If this is his way of apologizing for trying to eat me and my friends, this certainly is an interesting route to take. Despite my lingering fear and resentment towards him, I was still invested in what he has to say. "Tsukiyama-San... So you were alive after all."
"There's too much left for me to die just yet." He smirks, and I wonder if what he means by that is he has yet to eat me.
"Can I be of use, Kaneki-Kun?" It's the genuineness in his voice that makes me look away. Old feelings of betrayal swirling inside me.
"Just... Kaneki is fine..." Take a deep breath. He can't hurt you anymore. No one can. "If Tsukiyama were our ally, it would certainly be reassuring. Please lend me your help." I finally concede, much to his relief.
"However..." I lean in close to him. Close enough that no one but him hears what I have to say next. "If you are unnecessary, I will kill you, so please treat me well." I menacingly whisper into his ear, getting my point across with every syllable. It's easier for me if I can keep a watchful eye on him. I hope he doesn't not think this fixes things between us, or that I trusted him now. I'm hoping that I manage to Instil some fear in him, but if anything, he looks even more excited. I wonder if I am making a huge mistake.
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When I come back to my senses, I find myself dangerously out of breath, with a quinque tight in my grasp, and my arms raised high as if to deliver a finishing blow. I follow the line of the blade to the person I kneel over. It's Tsukiyama, who is just as tired as me. I can't remember our fight. How did We end up here? Wasn't he winning before I blacked out? I didn't want to hurt him at all, so why...? Sweat drips into my eyes, and I gasp for air above him.
"You really... Are strong after all." He remarks quietly to himself, and I struggle to hear him with the intense throbbing in my head. The pain increases again like it did before the flashback, and I can't help but let out a groan. I want to get off him, but I discover I can't move because of the assault going on in my head. My legs also feel like jelly. To make matters worse, I can hear Kaneki screaming in my ear like he was right beside me. My vision goes fuzzy again as his volume rises. Pleading for his friends life.
"Don't kill him! Don't kill him! Don't kill him! Don't kill him!Don't kill him! Don't kill him!Don't kill him! Don't kill him!" He shrieks on in an endless loop.
My hands begin to shake, and Tsukiyama takes notice of my oncoming meltdown. "What's wrong Haise Sasaki? Kill me." He goads.
What am I supposed to do?!
"Choose! Choose!" Is Kaneki's answer.
The quinque starts to slip between my sweaty hands, and I am about to drop the weapon, when my arm is torn from my body. The shock remains for a second, but soon all I can do is scream as a masked figure throws my severed limb over their shoulder off the building, like it was a piece of litter.
"Ugh, shut up." They mutter. "You're pissing me off."
I clench my teeth to stop, but I can't prevent the pained moans that leave my lips. I try to get up and fight this new opponent, but because of the battle with Tsukiyama, the state of my head, and the loss of my arm, I only manage to stay on my feet for a few wobbly steps before dropping to my knees again; gripping the wound to stop the blood flow, but nothing changed. I am not healing fast enough.
I could actually die.
".... Kanae...? Is that you..?" I hear Tsukiyama stutter from where he is; he looks terrified despite possibly knowing who is behind the mask.
"Ya."
~
"No name, do you know why the rose is beautiful?" Kanae's cold fingers wrap around my neck, and they walk towards the edge of the building. "Because you pluck it before it withers."
The ghoul dangles me in the air, only its tremendous strength keeps me from crashing to my death. "If you fall from this height, even being a ghoul won't save you."
I... I can't breathe...
Panic starts to set in; I cannot move my arm or legs. I'm frozen in fear, but luckily, someone isn't.
... Haise, fight!.. Kaneki orders, his voice bouncing around uncomfortably in my head. With a desperate shout, I heed his command, and am somehow able to swing my foot high up to land a powerful kick on the ghoul. His head flies off, but is soon reattached by terrifying black tendrils.
I want to marvel over those crazy regeneration skills, but everything goes blurry and my mind shuts off as the fight begins anew. I feel my kagune slice through his stomach, and hear the flesh and organs tearing and rupturing; the sound is somehow distant and familiar. The next thing I know, I'm throwing the ghoul hard against a metal wall and stalking towards him; once again out of breath, and hardly able to focus.
Random memories are flooding back at an alarming rate that scrambled my - his brain, and I'm surprisingly still on my feet. I hear Kaneki mocking me about how I was supposed to save him; I see checkerboards and flowers all around me as a hand closes around my throat. I don't know if it's mine or his.
You remember, do you? He asks me.
Die... Die... I should have died that. Day.... Kill me.. Haise... Die!.. I don't want to be happy.... Die me...
I listen to everything being whispered in in the back of my mind as his memories fly by quicker than lightening, but I understand them all. Most of them, the most important ones, are from only a few years ago, but one in particular creates a knot in my chest. It's...
It's my mother beating me.
Tears run down my cheeks as I watch the old memory play out, and I can do nothing to stop the harsh slaps that turn my face red. I hear myself pleading for her to stop, but I know she won't. She never stopped for me.
I wish to look away, but I know I can't anymore. What have I ever gained from hiding from these memories? 'My mother was a kind person'? What a joke.
What a lie.
What a dream.
I really was beat a lot by the people I loved most.
You remember, do you? Yeah, I do remember.
Are you happy Kaneki?
No... I was only happy when I got to meet the reaper. But I messed up. I didn't die.
Did I want to die?
Yes. Definitely. I want to die in style.
Will that be your salvation?
Yes!... Can you manage it? Yeah.
I've had enough of dreaming.
And just like that, I feel the façade permanently fade from my mind. I am back. No more pretending. No more weakness. No more hiding who and what I truly am. No more Sasaki.
Goodnight, Haise.