Chapter Text
Nights on Polus were always nice. The sound of voices die down to silence, and it gives Purple some peace in their pretty chaotic life. Though, tonight is different. Tonight they had company. Coral was on about some story at MIRA, but they were only half listening. They’re not sure why, but everytime they see Coral it just… feels wrong.
They were so similar to someone they used to know, and they were sure Black and Cyan thought the same about them. They were similar to them in so many ways it was hard to ignore. As much as they loved their company, it felt as if they were betraying someone…
and they weren't sure why.
…
They felt like crying. They felt like kicking them out of their life and never talking to them again just to ignore the weird pit in their stomach.
But they didn’t want to hurt them
They didn’t do anything.
Coral didn’t deserve that.
◊◊◊
The lights of Medbay blinked rhythmically as the night went on, and the smell of alcohol and metal blanketed the area. This place held so many memories they disliked, yet they refuse to leave. They weren’t sure why, they aren’t a doctor, and they definitely won't ever be one after what they had done. Something about it felt… right? In a way.
Nothing felt right. They felt numb to the world, like they were just another body to be thrown into the lava and forgotten. Sometimes they wondered if that’d be the right thing. Would others think so if they knew? They never chose to be born like this, but that isn’t enough of an excuse, is it? If it’s so okay for them to throw White, an innocent person into the lava. Would it be any different to them?
If they went missing, they’d just be another name on a paper. Never a doctor. Never a friend. Just a name. That’d be a future everyone would enjoy. A future where nobody dies besides them.
They sigh as they jumped off the cot they were sitting on, quietly moving into Laboratory and messing with a notebook on the table. Blue had left it to log medical things, things that Cyan surprisingly understood. Mostly though it was just reasons why people came in and the time they did, which was pretty efficient. It made sense why Blue was the leader before they died.
Would it have been better if they kept them alive? Would it have been better if they never became a doctor, and just stayed in their place as another duty for them? How would it go if the new crewmates didn’t show up and it was still their group of six? They were a great team, and they came in and ruined it.
Is that unforgiveable? Surely it is. They weren’t sure, but they weren’t sure of a lot of things. They grumbled as they moved a clawed hand to their visor, slightly scraping the edge of it, ignoring the agonizing sound of the action. They were a monster to the world, something to be feared, something to hate. Why did nobody hate them? Why are they still alive?
They moved their hand down, using both to pick up the book in front of them. They weren’t sure why they even bothered. Something about seeing Blue’s handwriting after not seeing them for so long keeps them grounded. Especially during nights like these. They don’t know why they hurt the people they love, they want to change.
They flinched at the sound of footsteps going toward them, turning around while digging through their bag with one of their hands. They grabbed onto a knife, ignoring the ache in their hand as they pulled it out and pointed it at the source of sound. Surely someone came to get them, maybe it’s their chance to-
They paused at the sight of Black, fumbling to hide the weapon in hand as they noticed them. Why was Black of all people here? Could they choose a more worse time to start their antics?
“Oh! There you are! Geez, I looked all over your room for you!” Black exclaimed, obvious irritation in their voice before sighing, “Anywayss… what’re you doing so late in Medbay?”
Cyan quietly moved to put the weapon back, before slowly waving with retracted claws, “Just… looking for something.” they hesitantly mumbled, quietly praying they didn’t just see that.
“Huh, okay? Well when you're done, I wanted to- WOAH wait, you got blood dripping!” they quickly said, pointing to their hand. They paused at their words, glancing down at their very bloody palm, could this night get ANY worse..?
They winced as the other suddenly came closer. Somehow ignoring ALL the signs of discomfort from Cyan, Black grabbed onto their hand, “Oh geez, what happened??? Uhh… I don’t really know how to treat it I uh–”
“It’s fine.”
“It’s obviously NOT???”
“You’re over-exaggerating it.”
“YOU’RE UNDER-EXAGGERATING.” Black pulled them over to a table more in the Medbay part of Laboratory, letting go to try to look through the stuff scattered on said table.
“You are wasting your time-” they paused as their hand was suddenly yanked again, wincing as a cloth was put on the cut. The pain instinctively made them sheathe their claws, which they were in too much pain to even notice until they only felt the cloth resting in their hand.
They glanced over at the other, watching them back up slowly. They almost asked before the other spoke up for them, “You- your hand-”
…
Welp, shit.
They looked down at their hand, the now stained cloth still in their palm, before back at them. They didn’t really know what to say. What could you say?
“...” they stared for a moment, before quietly moving to wipe their palm a bit more, and setting the cloth down on the table after. They weren’t going to hurt them, not yet at least. Not that they wanted to. They sort of awkwardly reached for the gauze that settled on a box, ignoring the other as they attempted to unwrap it with a single hand.
“You uh… not going to kill me..?”
“Why would I?”
“YOU JUS- I… your hand- your voi–”
“You assume too quickly.”
“Seems pretty reasonable to me???”
“Sure.”
They stayed in silence for a moment longer, before Black surprisingly walked to them again. In all honesty, they expected them to book it for the button. They paused as they watched them take the gauze from them, before wrapping it around Cyan’s hand.
They weren’t too sure how to feel at that moment. Scared? Annoyed? Black must feel scared, so why haven’t they ran away? They could’ve just left them, could’ve ran off and told everyone, but instead they're helping the thing that just almost killed them moments ago.
“Why are you still helping me?” they finally said, quietly watching them continue to care for them. They weren’t sure why, but it was a nice feeling to finally not be independent. It was weird, especially with the fact it was Black of all people that they were letting help them.
“...I… I’m not sure. Do you want me to stop…?”
“Not really.” they instantly regretted saying that, but there wasn’t much they could do now.
“Oh? Am I finally growing on you?” they teased, seemingly less tense than before. Why could they so easily get over something so substantial?
“Don’t get your hopes up.” they said plainly, which the other laughed in response.
“You never said no!” they exclaimed cheerfully, finishing up wrapping their hand. They didn’t bother to say anything, knowing it’d just make them tease more. They watched as the other moved to put back the gauze on the table, before checking their hand again. They were honestly contemplating stabbing themself again just to feel the warmth of their hand again. They’d rather die than acknowledge that thought ever again.
“Does it hurt?”
“Obviously.”
“Oh.” Black looked worried again.
“It’s fine, calm down.”
“Okay good.” they said, sighing. They kind of just stared at each other for a bit before Black spoke up again,
“You should uh… sleep.”
“You should as well."
“Can’t argue with that.” Cyan was about to talk again until their hand was suddenly grabbed, this guy is so touchy…
“Well, what’re we waiting for?” they said, before walking toward the direction of Admin. They could argue, say that they didn’t need their guidance, but they honestly couldn’t bother.
__________
They sighed as they were suddenly woken up by the sound of their bedroom door opening. They weren't too surprised when they looked over to see Black. They glanced at their hand, looking at the spot stained with blood on their palm. It still stung.
“Sorry if I woke you up-”
“You did.”
“Sorry. Can we talk?” they expected that. Though, they didn’t really know what to do in that situation. They should’ve just killed them when they had the chance. If they do it now, everyone would notice. Why can’t they just avoid this? Why were they okay with them knowing the one thing that they dreaded anyone knowing about? They hated this, they hated being so put in the spotlight. They wish they were just left alone.
“Cyan?”
“Fine.” Black sighed at those words, but kept their place in the doorway. They felt like they were getting a headache, they always felt like that though. And hungry, hungry for something that is wrong to eat.
“...I don’t want you to die…” they paused at their words, looking over at them, “I just… I don’t know. I should say something, but- I…”
“Why not?”
“Because you’re my friend! I don’t just want to lose you! I already lost White, how could you just be okay with me losing you?!”
“White died because of me.”
“I…” Black winced at the bluntness of their voice, hesitating before continuing.
“I can’t.”
“You will move on. You will forget about me and find someone better for you.”
“I want YOU, Cyan!”
“...”
“DO YOU HAVE ANY CONSIDERATION ABOUT MY FEELINGS?” Black exclaimed, looking like they were about to cry. The sight made them feel numb, more numb than usual.
“You would put your crew in danger just so you can have me alive?”
“Yes! Selfish? Yeah, but I don’t care!” they said, their hand moving to their visor.
“You aren’t the only one being affected, Cyan! Me and Purple exist too, yet you’re too blind to notice!” Black continued, their voice breaking occasionally, “Can we please work something out…? You don’t die, and you don’t kill anyone else…?”
“I need to kill to survive.”
“Find an alternative! Use me to keep yourself grounded! Just.. please… I don’t want you to end up like White…”
“...” it bothered them how willing they were to sacrifice themself just to keep them alive. They didn’t know what to think. How could they matter so much? Why were they even friends to begin with? It’d be so much easier if they just never met. It’d be so much better if they ended up on different missions, and never met Black.
“...I’ll think about it.” they finally said, even though internally they were already planning to continue until death. It was natural, after all.
Black sighed before quietly walking out of the doorway, “okay… fine.” they replied, before closing the door without another word.
Yeah, they fucked up, didn’t they.
They fucked up by being alive.