Chapter Text
If you asked Subaru a few months ago if he could cause problems just by being in the area he would say Hell no! and then angrily storm off to Emilia for comfort. But for the last month Subaru has been trapped in house arrest by his very own camp. Luckily nothing too crazy happened but that did force Subaru to confront the truth.
His luck was suddenly supernaturally shit. After coming to terms with that, next came questions.
Why was his luck so bad? When did his luck get so bad? How did his luck get this bad?
Thoughts like that swirled around in his head as he continued to live his life in the mansion. He was far more distant than he used to be but everyone else thought it was for the greater good… Everyone except the newly recruited Regulus, who would often complain saying that “It’s Subaru’s right to go wherever he pleases.” whenever someone said Subaru had to stay home.
Even then introducing Regulus was something else.
“Okay the only thing you have to do is NOT say you are the sin archbishop of greed. Got that?” Subaru explained for the fifth time just to hammer it into his possible husband.
“I understand my dearest Natsuki.” Regulus affirmed with a nod.
“Good.” Subaru said as he opened the door.
They were quickly greeted by Frederica who was visibly confused seeing the man beside Subaru. “Greetings Subaru-sama, I wasn’t aware we were having guests, please do come in.” She prompted before closing the door behind them.
Subaru rubbed his head sheepishly. “Yeah sorry about the short notice. Actually, could you try and get everyone in the meeting room so that I can introduce him?” He asked the maid.
“I will gather them in a moment, please make your way to the meeting room.” She responded with a bow before leaving to fetch everyone.
Making their way to the meeting room, Regulus decided to start a conversation. “Say my dearest Natsuki, do you perchance have anything you’d want?” Regulus asked while leaning in towards Subaru slightly.
“First of all, please just call me Subaru or really anything instead of your dearest Natsuki. It feels weird. And second of all, yes I do.” Subaru answered with a shiver going up his spine.
“What would that request be Subaru dearest?” Regulus asked, refusing to give up the dearest.
Subaru let out a long sigh. “Mayonnaise.” Subaru answered. What? He’s stressed, it’s his comfort food.
Regulus looked at Subaru with a confused tilt of his head. “What is this ‘Mayonaize’?” Regulus questioned.
Subaru lit up slightly. “The nectar of the gods! Humanities greatest achievement! White gold! My family's signature dish! Mayonnaise!” Subaru ranted while doing something of a twirl while continuing down the hall.
“So this ‘mayonnaise’ is a food?” Regulus questioned while gazing happily at Subaru’s enjoyment of the food.
“Got it in one Regulus good job!” Subaru said with a thumbs up and a smile.
Regulus blushed at the praise and turned away from Subaru so as to not reveal his flushed face. Regulus would make mayonnaise a worldwide phenomenon if it meant he could see that smile again. “How do I procure mayonnaise?” Regulus asked, hoping to bring it to Subaru.
“Well there aren’t too many that I know can make it. Though I have heard that it’s been spreading through the Mather’s domain.” Subaru said with his hand to his chin in thought.
Subaru tried to continue his thought but was cut off by Regulus. “I see, I shall ask around.” Regulus said before disappearing seemingly to find mayo.
“Wait Regulus!” Subaru tried to shout but he was already gone. Subaru sighed and just went to the meeting room. Opening the door his whole camp greeted him.
“What were we called here for Subaru-kun~?” Roswaal questioned for everyone else after Subaru entered.
“Weeell I have a guest staying here that you all probably won’t like, or trust, or even want around really. But I made a deal and as such we yes we will have to live with him until the royal selection ends. Sounds good?” Subaru said not giving anyone a chance to object.
The first to respond to these honestly ridiculous demands was Otto. “And who is this person we have to live with?” He asked.
Subaru rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. “Well he just vanished a few minutes ago and will probably reappear soon.”
“‘F th’ Cap’n let em’ stay then I say let em’.” Garfiel declared with his legs propped up on the table.
“Garf that is highly disrespectful please remove your feet from the table.” Frederica scolded her brother.
“Gah, fine.” Garfiel’s legs were lowered.
“You did this without asking the lord of the house? Appalled.” Clind asked with a raised eyebrow.
“I didn’t really have a choice, okay!” Subaru shouted in defense of himself.
“Betty trusts her Subaru to have made the right call, I suppose.” Beatrice said, making her way to Subaru.
“I mean if Subaru thought it was a good idea then it’s alright, probably.” Emilia agreed.
“If Lord Roswaal allows your uncouth company then Ram supposes she would as well.” Ram added.
“If our dear Subaru-kun needed to make this deal then his guest is allowed~.” Roswaal declared, getting a frustrated sigh from Otto.
“Am I really the only one who thinks this is a bad idea?” Otto grumbled angry.
“If Subaru says it’s fine, it’s fine!” Petra defended passionately.
“Yep Onii-san is the only one I respect in this whole building so what he says goes~.” Meili also agreed with the decision.
“I am of the same mind as the merchant.” Annerose agreed with Otto.
“But that's just because you hate Natsuki-san!” Otto complained louder.
Subaru clapped to get everyone’s attention back. “He should be arriving any moment now so don’t be too crazy alright.” He requested getting agreements and a small huff from Otto.
As if on cue the doors to the room opened and a regular looking white haired man entered. “My apologies Subaru dearest but this is all I could find.” Regulus said as he placed down a bucket sized container of mayo.
“Jesus, that's a lot!” Subaru exclaimed at the sight.
Frederica turned to the man. “Who would this gentleman be?” She asked.
“He’s-” Subaru tried to speak but was cut off.
“I am Sin Archbishop of the Witches Cult representing Greed, Regulus Corneas.” He announced much to the dread of Subaru which was reflected in a haunted look.
Before anyone could draw their weapons(or spells) from that announcement Subaru shouted. “I TOLD YOU TO KEEP THE WITCHES CULT OUT!” Now everyone looked confused.
Regulus bowed slightly in apology. “I’m truly sorry Subaru dearest but if I am to truly win your heart then I shall do so fairly. Therefore knowing my identity is their right as your potential suitors correct?” He explained his reasoning, raising the looks from confused to bewildered.
“I suppose that’s fair but don’t scare them like that!” Subaru scolded before sighing.
“Huh?” Is all that was let out by everyone in the room.
Subaru let out a long sigh before turning back to the group. “Yeah, I maybe, kinda, sorta, had to make a deal to let Regulus stay here so that he wouldn’t kidnap me and probably kill Anastasia…” Subaru explained quickly followed by a long awkward silence.
“Why?” Emilia asked cautiously.
“Weeeeellllll-” Subaru started but was cut off.
“I fell in love with Subaru dearest at first sight. He is truly the perfect partner, I mean just look at his face. Honestly I'm not even sure I have the right to gaze upon his visage. He looked good dressed as a woman but he looks even better normally. Do you have any idea how hard it is to catch my interest as a man? For him though it was easy, his face, his name, his hair, his eyes, his style, his personality, his shapely figure, I can’t think of anything better. Even just the way he talks about his favorite food is cute. I wish I met him sooner, though I suppose I can take care of him now so it isn’t all bad. He even killed that annoying Petelgeuse, I forgot to thank you for that, so thank you Subaru dearest. Though I hear he has his eyes on someone here I hope you can accept a rival for his heart because I won’t be giving up, though if I had to I wouldn’t mind sharing.” Regulus spoke in quick succession giving no one time to breathe.
Everyone was stunned at the confession, Subaru’s face was red at the praise. Seeing that something began welling up inside Emilia. “Y-you really love my knight?” She asked with a neutral tone.
“Indeed, I shall try my best to court him for the next few years.” Regulus declared with a bow.
Emilia wordlessly stood from her seat and walked out of the room. “Wait Emilia-tan, I… she’s already gone.” Subaru tried but she was gone before he could talk.
“Betty knows you wanted to be memorable for her but isn’t this a bit much, I suppose.” Beatrice said with a deadpan expression.
“I think we can all agree Natsuki-san needs to be on house arrest for a few months after this one right?” Otto was finally able to say after that announcement.
“All members of the household in agreement say aye.” Roswaal ordered without his accent from the shock.
“Aye/affirmation/I suppose!” Everyone shouted with two exceptions.
Ever since that day Subaru was treated like a prisoner. They didn’t even let him help with the cleaning! Don’t even get him started on Emilia, she's acting weird. For example the other day when Subaru was in the garden with Regulus he swore Emilia was watching from behind the hedges with a blush. Not that he dislikes seeing her blush, he just doesn’t know why.
With that thought Subaru felt a tap on his shoulder, turning around he saw Emilia. Speak of the Witch as they say. “Subaru, I reeeeeaaallly want to talk for a moment. Are you free to accompany me for a moment?” She asked with a weird look.
“Umm, sure?” Subaru agreed hesitantly and followed her.
Subaru followed Emilia as she led him to her room. “I know we haven’t been able to do anything for a while, is that what this is about?” Subaru asked, frankly he thought she was getting jealous of Regulus. If that was the case he could just spend more time with her and give her all the affection he has!
“Hmm? Of course not, silly Subaru.” Emilia said with a giggle as she pulled a notebook from her desk.
“Oh…” Yeah right of course he knew that. Emilia obviously doesn’t like him enough to get jealous about this. He overstepped, he should apologize for even daring.
“Sorry for a-” Subaru went to apologize before the notebook was shoved in his face.
“Ever since you came home with Regulus this weird feeling has been affecting my chest and I've been trying to figure out what it is.” She explained as she moved the book out of the way of Subaru’s face.
Subaru hummed in acknowledgement so Emilia continued. “So in order to figure it out I asked Ram to teach me how to draw and I’ve been getting better at it. And I think I’ve finally figured out what it is so I want to show you what I’ve drawn.” She explained.
Subaru for his credit realized something is up. There are two ways this can go and he is terrified of both of them. He has no choice but to pray(despite being secular) that notebook doesn’t have what he thinks it does.
“Sure Emilia, I can look at your art.” Subaru agreed with a nervous smile.
Emilia excitedly brought him to her desk and opened the notebook to some of her first good drawings. “I’m still not that good but I still like these.” They were drawings of Ram, probably the only human reference she had when she was learning.
“They look great Emilia-tan!” Subaru complimented the art, they really were good.
“Thank you.” She said before turning the page. This time the notebook had Subaru in it, it wasn’t bad in fact he looked quite good.
“It’s me!” Subaru exclaimed he was happy she thought of him.
“Mhmm, that’s why I wanted to learn to begin with.” Emilia admitted with a small blush.
“For me?” He asked again, stunned.
“Yes, for you, Subaru.” She said before turning to the next page. Regulus was the focus this time.
“Regulus?” Subaru questioned.
“Yeah, he’s your friend isn’t he?” Emilia asked with a tilt of her head.
“I guess but I guessed you'd draw Puck or someone like Frederica first.” Subaru explained.
Emilia looked surprised at that question before her face went red and she began fidgeting. “Well… I um…”
“This is pretty good.” He complimented before turning the page.
“Wait!” Emilia shouted but it was too late.
An expertly drawn image of Regulus holding Subaru going for a kiss is what met him. It was as he feared. Yaoi. He let out a long sigh.
“I really liked hearing him say good things about you and I just…” Emilia tried to explain, waving her hands in front of her panicked.
Subaru turned the page, Regulus and Subaru making out. Next page… Julius? “Emilia.” Subaru said in an accusatory tone.
Emilia looked ashamed as she nodded for him to turn to the next page. He did just that and it was as he suspected. Julius kissing Subaru. He let out a long sigh.
“I couldn’t help it oh-kay!” She defended before Subaru counter attacked by turning the page. Julius and Regulus kissing Subaru’s cheeks as he blushed.
“It isn’t that bad right Subaru?” She tried again to justify her art. Next page, Reinhard. Next page, Felix. Next page Reinhard and Felix kissing Subaru.
“What have I done?” Subaru looked at his hands as if he had committed a murder. “You used to be so pure.” He said, rubbing nonexistent tears from his eyes.
“I-I-I-I-” Emilia could no longer form proper sentences due to the embarrassment.
“Everyone has their fetishes, Emilia.” Subaru said as he shut the notebook and began making his way out the room.
“W-wait Subaru it’s not like that I swear!” She shouted as he left, the art of her being kissed by both Subaru and Regulus left unseen by the knight.
That was something, though he guessed he couldn’t talk. He does crossdress after all. He sighed and made his way to the garden.
He took a seat under the pavilion and watched the flowers for a minute. He thought about the situation at hand a little more as he did. Though his thoughts were interrupted when he saw a black cat walk over and sit in his lap.
“You again.” Subaru commented. This same cat has been appearing even a little before he met Regulus. He's never been able to get close enough to pet it before now though.
He started petting her enjoying the soft fur on his fingertips calming him. “I know you’re just a cat but do you mind if I vent for a minute?”
“Mrrow.”
“I’m just gonna take that as a yes!” Subaru said cheerfully as he scratched behind her ear. “Do you know why I’m so upset at being barred from helping around?” Subaru asked the cat, not getting a response.
“Before I joined the Emilia camp, do you know what I did?” He asked the cat in his lap as he scratched her chin.
“Nya?” She let out in what Subaru assumed was a questioning way.
“In truth I did nothing. I didn’t do chores, I didn’t clean up after myself, I didn’t even go to school. I just sat in my room and played games.” He explained with regret seeping into his voice.
“Meow.” The cat meowed while Subaru started petting her back.
“It’s true. And when I joined the Emilia camp I was finally able to work hard for a change.” He said before a long pause. “I can’t exactly say it was the best but, it made me come to realize that I am allowed to love myself and whenever I do chores or help around it reaffirms that for me.” He explained with a small sense of satisfaction audible in his voice.
“However with the way things are right now, I can’t help but feel the same as I did before I came here. I just feel more and more like I’m just walking in shoes that have suddenly grown far too big for me” Subaru said with closed eyes and a somber smile.
Subaru took a deep breath, eyes still closed. “Thanks, even if you’re a cat you helped me get that off my chest, I appreciate that.” He said before he moved to pet the cat on the head again.
As Subaru pet her on the head the fur changed feeling less and less like fur. It felt like hair! Subaru recoiled his hand and looked down.
A blond haired catgirl with a slight resemblance to Felt was where the cat once was. “Nya, remember me~!” She let out with a teasing tone.
“W-what the hell!” Subaru swears he experienced this before.
“C’mon, this lovely lady put a lot of effort into that surprise.” She complained when Subaru didn’t recognize her immediately.
Subaru recognized that way of speaking. “Capella!?” He exclaimed before she swiftly put her hand over his mouth.
Capella brought a finger to her lips. “Shhhhh, we don’t want to cause an incident do we?” She threatened before removing her hand from his mouth.
“What are you doing here?” Subaru questioned immediately with a nervous sweat.
“Hmmmm, should I tell you or keep you guessing?” She pondered as her cat ears retracted into her head.
“Tell me?” Subaru said though it sounded like more of a question since he probably didn’t want to know.
“Should I?” Capella asked with a tilt of her head.
Subaru sighed. “I know where this is going. You’re just gonna keep responding with that question aren't you.” He said getting a pout from Capella.
“Ugh, how unfair!” She complained. “Fine I’ll tell you.”
Subaru was pleasantly surprised by this. “Oh?”
Capella went to start, paused, started going red, disassembled herself then put herself back together, and then finally began to speak. “This lovely lady seems to have noticed your eyes on her and decided to accept your feelings, rejoice Su-Meatbag!” She said completely red in the face.
“Hold on were you going to say s-” A hand once again covered Subaru’s mouth “If you say one more word I’m turning you into a little girl and throwing you to that butler meatbag.” Capella said with a serious expression.
Subaru nodded and Capella removed her hand. “Want to try that again?” She asked as she moved her ear closer so she could hear.
“What did you mean by you noticing my eyes on you?” He asked.
“Isn’t it obvious you’ve stared at me every time I was in your line of sight.” Capella said, grasping her body as if she was covering up.
“Huh?” Subaru was confused.
“You even saw me the day you went to that opening ceremony a month ago.” She explained morphing her hand into a cat paw.
“Wait, you've been the black cat I’ve been seeing for months!?” Subaru shouted, surprised.
“Duh, are you an idiot or something?!” Capella shouted.
Subaru shivered. “Have you been stalking me?!” He shouted in turn.
“N-NO! Clearly you’ve been the one stalking me M-Meatbag!” Capella defended with a red face.
Subaru stared at her deadpan with realization. “Why have you been following me Capella?” He asked, trying to confirm his theory.
“Huh?! I-It’s not like I was interested in you because of that gathering a while back or anything Su-Meatbag!” She shouted before punching him with a gorilla fist sending him flying a few feet away.
Yep that confirmed it in Subaru’s mind. Capella became a tsundere.
Subaru unfortunately was flattered.
While he made that realization a certain suitor heard the commotion and appeared in an instant. “Subaru dearest what happened!?” Regulus shouted in panic, seeing Subaru’s state.
“Tsundere… archbishop… gorilla…” Subaru got out in labored breaths as he pointed towards the pavilion.
Regulus had no clue what that meant but rushed to the pavilion anyway. “What gives you the right to strike my Subaru dearest!?” He shouted as he approached not even seeing what struck Subaru as he shouted
At the exact same time Capella regretted striking Subaru and began rushing towards him to try to help him up.
The two archbishops, some of the strongest people in the entire world, bump into each other at the corner.
Both of them fall onto their butt and start shouting.“What the hell are you doing, Meatbag move!” “Get out of my way!” They both shouted at the same time before looking up and seeing each other.
“Regulus!?” “Capella!?”
“What the hell are you doing here you damned greedy Meatbag!?” Capella shouted at Regulus as she stood up.
“That’s my line you detestable whore!” Regulus yelled back in turn while standing up.
“This lovely lady was just claiming what's rightfully mine.” She explained getting an angry expression from Regulus.
“What right do you have to try and take my Subaru dearest!?” Regulus questioned stomping his foot and making a crater in anger.
“I’ve been watching that Meatbag for months! It’s only fair that I get a taste isn’t it!” Capella argued with a scowl.
“Listen here, I already made the first move a month ago! It is in no way my fault that you didn’t make your move because you’re a coward!” Regulus rebutted with a matching expression
Suddenly hands appeared and physically made the two break apart. “Guys! Calm down, we can talk this out!” Subaru shouted now standing having recovered from earlier.
“Subaru dearest?” “Darling?” The two archbishops questioned, with Capella forgetting to say meatbag.
“We can talk this out like with Regulus. What is it you want specifically, Capella?” Subaru asked, trying to mediate.
“This lovely lady wants to return your feelings Meatbag~.” Capella explained with a small blush.
“Regulus, are you okay with another suitor in the race?” Subaru asked seriously.
Regulus sighed. “I suppose I have no right to complain considering I myself came in to the race late.” He complained but agreed.
“Good! Now that we have all that sorted let'sss calmmm downnn…” Subaru started to finish before he passed out from the blood loss, he was never healed from that strike after all.
“Subaru dearest!” “Darling!” They shouted once again rushing to heal Subaru.
Later the rest of the residents will learn of this incident and make yet another rule to the list.
1.Never let Natsuki Subaru talk about his past on any major events before something important.
2.Subaru must be in another building altogether during meetings or else his abysmal luck will affect the rest of the attendees.
3. Anastasia must be informed of Subaru getting within a certain distance of her property so that she may alert authorities to his location.
4. Don't let Subaru near anything with a witch factor or else it will fall for him romantically or platonically.