Chapter Text
We started of as "friends". I don't know if you remember how it started, but I remembered it like it was yesterday.
I slid into your dms. I know; it was not organic at all. But my friend Pat was a mutual friend of ours; he was the last nudge before I eventually messaged you.
I will forever be thankful for Pat; even though our relationship ended, I never once regret that he introduced us.
It was the end of the semester, end of the year as well.
Kakatapos lang ng ating mga exam at mag papasko na rin noon kaya mag kakaroon ng semestral break.
I shoot my shot when you posted a story, celebrating the exams.
I really thought you would ignore a loser like me.
Hi Tim! Congrats sa Finals! I know you don't really know me and this is all so sudden, pero I've been admiring you for awhile now. Can I continue to admire you from afar or can I admire you in a different viewpoint now?
Pero nagulat ako na agad mo akong nireplyan, ilang minuto palang nakakalipas na masend ko ang aking message.
Hello! Omg I'm so flattered bc of this message 🥹 I'm very shy when it comes to things like this tbh but I'm very happy naman >_<
And I really wish not from afar lang cause I really like meeting new people ^^ Hopefully we can chat more <3333
And maybe talk in person soon?
Then started our exchange of daily messages, from rants about different profs to the difficult subjects, and how much I wanted to talk to you in person.
Then days turned into months, then it was finally December again.
It was our university's opening of lights; ang hudyat ng pagsisimula ng Pasko.
As it was both our final year, we both had shared a lot of lasts in the university— last acquaintance party, last meetings with profs, last thesis defense—
I remember during my last thesis defense, me and my groupmates were preparing.
We didn't have any classes then, I just had my thesis defense that day, and you had no activities in school that day.
That was the moment that gave me hope.
Because you went out of your way to go to school, saw me pace around the classroom where we were going to defend our thesis, saw my shaking hands and got me to calm down.
You kissed me infront of my groupmates.
"Goodluck, Tris. Kaya mo yan. Huwag kang kabahan, okay? Naniniwala ako sayo"
At that moment, the world stopped.
Suddenly, I didn't hear my groupmates teasing me.
Suddenly, it was just you I could see.
Lord, I love this person so much, I remember thinking that time.
How would I forget? You were so afraid of what other people would say about us, yet you kissed me, in public.
How could I not fall deeper into you, Tim?
—and now, our last opening of lights.
I loved that I got to spend it all with you, TIm. I'm still glad it was with you.
I remember as the fireworks started, you came closer and held my hand.
"Tris, from now on, let's be boyfriends"
Then started the most beautiful moment in my life.
At sa bawat simula meron ring wakas. At Tim, siguro mas ok nalang sana na hindi ko na maalala ang pagwakas natin, ang pagtatapos ng kung anong meron tayo.
Pero naalala ko pa lahat.
Dahil Semana Santa nanaman ulit.
Dati, akala ko, ang aking ipagdarasal ay ang pagtibay ng ating relasyon.
Ngunit ngayon, ang ipinagdarasal ko ay maayos natin ang ating mga problema.
Sana hindi ka napagod, Tim. Kaya ko pa naman sanang ilaban tayo, pero ikaw? Sumuko ka na agad.
Hindi pala sapat ang pagmamahal lang. Hindi tayo naisalba ng ating pagmamahal.
Bago ang Semana Santa, nagkaroon tayo ng hindi-pagkakaintindihan.
Ang oras natin hindi na tumutugma, hindi mo na sinasagot mga tawag ko, pati na rin ang mga messages ko.
At dahil ang Semana Santa ay para sa pag-penetensiya, ang aking sakripisyo noon ay ang tiising hindi ka kausapin.
At iyon siguro ang hindi ko gusto maalala, Tim; ang palitan natin ng mga masasakit na salita.
Hanggang sa tinanong mo ako
Tris, do you want to fix this? Because I don't think I can face you again after all of this
Timothy, alam mo namang pinagdarasal kita sa Diyos. You were my miracle. Kaya sana mapag-isipan mo muna ng mabuti, Please? Mahal na mahal kita, Tim.
Give me until the end of Holy Week, Tristan. Let's talk then.
One week. Radio silence from you while I was crying myself to sleep, praying that you would stay.
Pero bumitaw ka na Tim.
I'm sorry for taking awhile before replying. I feel my stomach drop every time I open my phone to try and comprehend things. I'm trying to understand everything and what I feel before I say anything.
Everything became blurry until I read the last few lines. This was a time in my life I didn't want to remember, Tim.
Thank you for everything. I wish you peace and happiness in the future, for you to find everything you're looking for. I will always wish you the best from afar.
And what completely broke my heart wasn't the words you said that day, but the words that you didn't say.
Hindi mo manlang sinabi na minahal mo ako, Tim. Sa buong break-up message mo, hindi ko manlang nabasa na minahal mo ako sa halos dalawang taong nakasama kita.
A little time after our break-up, I confronted you again.
After graduation, after leaving the province, I went to Metro Manila.
I thought that the further I was, the easier it was to move on.
I was wrong.
I saw people who looked like you everywhere; at the mall, at the train, and one time I had to stare too long at some random stranger because the resemblance was uncanny.
I was at the train and fell asleep. I jolted awake, I thought I had missed my stop.
Luckily I didn't.
But when I opened my eyes, I saw someone who looked just like you, sitting a few feet away from me.
I almost had a heart attack, Tim.
I almost called your name, I almost panicked. It didn't even help that Pat was sending me screenshots of your stories, you were here in Manila as well; I blocked you everywhere Tim.
Though you told me you would like to support me from afar, I didn't even let us stay Facebook friends.
But I was the one who'd always wonder what's in the cards for us.
I contacted you again.
Before the year ended, I tried to get a clearer answer. Did you actually love me at all? Why am I getting haunted by the ghost of you even though I wanted so badly to move on?
Surprisingly, you replied.
…I did care about you. I loved you, actually but maybe I never showed it enough and I need to be honest: I was terrified the entire time. I was struggling with a lot of things in ways that I didn’t know how to communicate, and it affected everything. I didn’t know how to handle what I was feeling, and instead of letting you in, I pulled away. I became distant when I should have been present. I replied late because I was anxious and overwhelmed, not because you didn’t matter and I know that doesn’t make it hurt less…It probably makes it so much worse. You deserved better timing, better communication, and honestly, a better version of me than what I was capable of at that time. I’m truly sorry for that. For everything. You weren’t hard to love.You weren’t a waste of time. You weren’t entertainment. You mattered to me,even if I was too scared, overwhelmed, and too unwell to fully live in it. I hope and pray that you find the peace you’re looking for, and I hope you find someone who isn’t afraid to love you the way you deserve. I’m sorry I couldn’t be that person then. Thank you for everything you gave me, even when I couldn’t give it back. I pray this will be the last message I would send because I don’t want you to keep hurting because of me. I will always wish you the best.
Minahal mo nga ako Tim, pero takot na takot ka naman pala.
Now that you're infront of me again, I couldn't look at you too long.
I felt like I was falling apart, yet you looked composed, like this was any other day for you.
"Okay naman ako. I'm actually on my way to work. Ikaw? Why are you here in the city pala?"
you said casually while starting to eat your food.
"U-uhm… I was here for some government requirements. Wala kasi doon sa'min" sabi ko naman, the whole time I was just looking at my food, trying to start eating as well.
"Oo nga pala, pero I thought you were in Manila? Why did you come home pala?"
"Who told you I was in Manila?" with that I looked at you, confused.
Because as far as I know, we weren't mutals anywhere now. For roughly over a year now.
"Oh… uhm Pat's been telling me. You know naman how nosy he is!" you said, a bit embarassed.
"Hay… si Pat talaga" I didn't meant to say that aloud, but you heard it. We shared a brief, awkward glance before we laugh nervously.
Just like how Pat got us to meet each other, this time around, he's the one who unknowingly brought us together again.
For the first time since we broke up, we shared a light-hearted conversation. Though there was still the slight awkwardness, it was better than silence.
"…So, uhm, I've got to get going. It was nice catching up with you,Tris—I mean Tristan"
After that conversation, I realized something. All the while I was wishing to see you, I only wanted to confirm something.
I wanted to see if I still felt the same.
If I were to be honest Tim, I still love you. Not quite the same, just a quiet kind of love that persists after a relationship has ended, a piece of my heart will always have you in it.
But after our conversation, after seeing you again, I have decided that maybe crossing paths again is enough.
"Sure, Timothy. Ingat ka, uwi na rin ako"
Because there was a reason it didn't last.
"Ikaw din, take care always." as you left, I realized something.
Our chapter has ended. For a good reason. Revisiting is enough; but opening it again might cause a different kind of pain.
So as you walked away from me, I couldn't help but smile.
I'm happy that we crossed paths again today.