Chapter Text
243 days
Marvin retched over the toilet, whatever little food he was able to consume dragging itself back up his throat for an unceremonious exit. He leaned away from the toilet and wiped his mouth, trying to recollect his breath. He felt himself gagging, as if he was about to throw up again, but he had nothing left to throw up. God, he hated this. He wanted to just get better. He knew he wouldn’t, if Whizzer was any sign. Marvin let out a guttural sob and punched the wall next to him, barely even denting the dry wall. Fuck, that hurt a lot more than it used to. He missed Whizzer. He missed being able to cry in someone's arms. He missed having someone to love.
For a moment, Marvin found himself getting angry. Not at himself, not at the world. At Whizzer.
It was his fault, wasn’t it? He wouldn’t’ve ended up like this if not for Whizzer. He told Whizzer himself that he’d do it all again in a heartbeat just to be with Whizzer. but would he?
He couldn’t honestly say he would. If he could go back in time, knowing what he knew now, he couldn’t commit himself to the idea of doing it all again. Deep down, that little selfish part of him he’d tried to pretend he had gotten rid of reared its head. He knew he’d probably undo it the second he was given the chance. He was fucking pathetic.
What was wrong with him? Whizzer hadn’t done anything. He was dead for fuck’s sake. And Marvin was blaming him.
Marvin rubbed his hand down his face and let out a shaky sigh. He hadn’t realised he had started crying again.
Jason was coming over soon. He needed to collect himself.
He’d wanted to tell Trina not to bring him over, but he couldn’t just outright avoid the kid until he died. That wouldn't be fair to Jason. But he sure wanted to. He hated the idea of Jason seeing him weak and frail. He didn’t want to be weak. He leaned back over the toilet as the bile began to crawl back up his throat. It was just stomach acid, he had no content left in his stomach.
Once he collected himself, he made his way towards his closet. He didn’t have much that fit. He tried to get Whizzer’s last few months out of his mind, how all of Whizzer’s slowly started to drown him. Marvin’s body shook again. God, he wanted this to end.
He found something, eventually. How he managed that, when even Whizzer’s clothes were far bigger than his, he couldn’t tell you. He also grabbed Whizzer’s purple bomber jacket. He hated that jacket so much, he thought it was so stupid. But it was Whizzer’s favourite. It still smelled like Whizzer. Marvin never wanted to take it off.
No Trina in sight, Marvin noted as Mendel handed him Jason's bag. The teen meandered in through the front door, past Marvin and into the living room.
“..You look good,” Mendel smiled. Marvin scoffed and nodded.
“Sure.” He knew he didn’t. He’d seen his reflection. He knew how sunken in his eyes were.
“Trina wanted to be here,” Mendel started quickly. Marvin really wanted this conversation to end. “She’s worried about you.”
The two of them stood there awkwardly.
“.. Is that all?” Marvin adjusted Whizzer’s jacket.
“..Yeah,” Mendel nodded. Marvin waited for him to say something else, clearly he wanted to, but he never did.
“I’ll see you on Sunday, then. I’ll call if something happens.” Marvin pressed his lips into a thin line. A somewhat smile. Enough of a smile.
“..right.” Mendel turned away and Marvin shut the door. He sighed softly and looked towards Jason. He gave the boy a smile — a real smile — and hummed, “I’m, uh, sorry you haven't been able to come over," Marvin sighed. Jason nodded.
“..’s fine.” was all the teen said. Jason hadn’t been the same since Whizzer’s death. Marvin couldn’t blame him, if the only person who really understood him died at his bar mitzvah he’d be just as messed up over it.
He was messed up over it. His lover was dead. Marvin felt detached from himself.
The weekend was a disaster. Jason didn’t even make it to Saturday night before Marvin sent him home. Marvin couldn’t stop throwing up, he was always tired, and he could barely pay attention when Jason tried to talk to him. He was the worst. He apologised, profusely, told Jason he’d try better next time, but Jason didn’t seem to really care. He seemed angry, but he didn’t seem surprised. That hurt more than anything else. Marvin couldn't even blame him. Jason probably thought he hated him.
He probably hated Marvin.
Trina came to pick up Jason, and Marvin couldn't even manage to talk to her. Marvin didn’t miss Jason's small frown as he led him out the door. God, he was awful. He felt anger at the deceased love of his life, he couldn't be near his own son, and even Charlotte and Cordelia made him queasy to be around. He was going to isolate himself until the day he died, wasn't he?
He was so fucking pathetic.