Chapter Text
Summer. Fall. Winter. Spring.
Summer. Fall. Winter. Spring.
Summer. Fall. Winter. Spring.
Taehyung waits, and waits even more, because he can still feel the ghost of lips on his own so much as he can feel the first few bursts of warmth emanating from the budding season of spring. It is maddening, how accurately he can still envision every detail of Jungkook’s profile with very little effort, as if he were actually still with him for these past three years.
For the past three years since Jungkook decided he didn’t want to hear Taehyung confess to him with each passing day they were together.
I can’t make you happy anymore, I know.
It was a lie. He has always been more than overjoyed whenever Jungkook was around.
I’m only hurting you.
But that… That, he didn’t know.
*****
“Hello, it’s very nice to meet you. I’m Kim Taehyung.”
Nope, it wasn’t the most perfect thing to say when you just spilled coffee onto a customer’s map in the morning and said customer glared daggers at you because they have other places to go and now they couldn’t because clumsy Taehyung just spilled coffee onto the customer’s map in the morning.
But if Taehyung were to enumerate the only three principles he lives his life on, those would be optimism, patience, and love. And besides, this was his job, brewing coffee at a small cafe in a quiet downtown in Daegu. He’d have to be nice to people unless he wanted to get kicked out of work.
The glare on the boy subsided into an irritated expression and then a small smile when Taehyung handed a new map from the other side of the cafe’s small counter.
“No ‘I’m sorry for spilling coffee’?” The boy asked.
Taehyung smiled. “ That’s my apology,” pointing to the new map that the boy was now flattening out.
The boy huffed in response. Taehyung peered at the boy’s new markings on the map.
“Are you a tourist here?”
The boy hummed while continuing to mark some places on the map. “Somewhat. My grandmother lives here, and my family is paying her a visit.”
Taehyung nodded. “Will you stay long? If you have time, you can visit the beaches. It’s nice there.”
“Really? I’m staying until the end of spring. Maybe I can check it out some time.”
“Yeah, you definitely should. They are the best Daegu experiences ever.”
The boy smiled. “Thanks for the recommendation.”
“No problem. What’s your name?”
The boy then threw a shy bunny smile to the young barista.
And that was how Kim Taehyung met Jeon Jungkook.
*****
After another year, Taehyung visits Seoul, the city he never expected to live in but still did for three years. But this time, he’ll be staying with his hyung whom he grew up with back in Daegu, Yoongi-hyung. It’s only just a temporary visit to Seoul after all.
Sadly, Taehyung has to pass by the flower shop where Jungkook used to buy his favorite chrysanthemums. Unable to resist his urge, Taehyung opens the glass door leading to the flower shop. Bells chime as Taehyung enters, and he was greeted by a cheery pink-haired lad behind the shop’s counter.
“Hi, welcome to Bangtan Flower Shop. How may I help you?”
“Hi,” Taehyung returned, smiling. “Just gonna look around.”
“Alright, feel free to.”
Taehyung scans the shop. There were sunflowers, carnations, roses of all colors. There were baby’s breaths as well, twinkling as the sun shines its light on them. Finally, Taehyung’s gaze lands on the chrysanthemums by the shop’s glass window. The sunlight shines through easily, engulfing the colorful chrysanthemums with a glowing halo.
Taehyung feels his breath being taken away. The chrysanthemums were–
“Beautiful, aren’t they?” Taehyung almost jumps as he realizes that the lad behind the counter has walked over to admire the flowers as well.
Taehyung acknowledges the florist with a smile and looks down at the blossoms with admiration. “Chrysanthemums are my favorite. They remind me of home.”
“I like them a lot too, you know? To me they signify rebirth, just like spring. One of my friends used to buy a bouquet of them and then stopped, but earlier he came in again and bought some after a long time. I’m glad that the chrysanthemums make a lot of people smile when they see ‘em.”
Taehyung continues to smile, but this time the curve of his lips were wistful, nostalgic. “I hope the chrysanthemums last to make your friend happy.”
*****
“By the way, don’t you ever wonder why I’m so excited when you buy me chrysanthemums?” Taehyung asked, licking his ice cream as the two of them walked along the park. It was springtime, and Taehyung could hear children’s laughter in the background, and this just elated him even more, enjoying a sliver of his hometown back in Daegu.
“Because they’re your favorite?” Jungkook answered, more of a question rather than a statement. He was walking side by side with Taehyung.
“That, because they remind me of Daegu, and because when you give them to me, it feels like you’re giving me a part of home here in Seoul.”
“You’re so cheeky.”
“You like it anyway.”
“How are you so sure?”
“You don’t scowl,” Taehyung answered back. He was a positive person after all, and he could read Jungkook like an open book.
This time the boy did scowl playfully, making Taehyung chuckle.
*****
Since Taehyung is already along the way, he decides to just pass by the ice cream shop where Yoongi works. The ice cream shop has a branch back in Daegu, where both boys used to spend time there together. Right now though, Yoongi has come to Seoul in search of a better paying job, and he’s currently working part-time there as a simple piece from home.
Taehyung always says his hyung doesn’t fit inside the shop with his ever present bitch face. Yoongi would then say otherwise, and Taehyung would taunt him saying that he only works there because of Hoseok. And Yoongi would either swat him when he’s feeling pissed or blush furiously when he’s not his usual self.
Either way, Taehyung likes both responses.
“Oh, Taehyung-ah. You didn’t tell me you’d stop by with your luggage still with you,” Yoongi greets the moment he sees Taehyung come through the door.
“Hyung, I’m basically just carrying a backpack.”
“Taehyung-ah!” Hoseok practically shouted, making other customers flinch in shock.
“Hoseok-hyung, nice to see you again,” Taehyung nods in response.
“What’s up visiting Seoul all of a sudden?”
Taehyung grins. “Just… Missed a lot of things lately.”
“Well, I’m gonna welcome you back, but nothing’s changed a lot anyway.”
“That’s fine. I’m not expecting a lot.”
“So, you wanna get the same flavor?” Yoongi asks, a gummy smile thrown in Taehyung’s direction.
“Gladly.”
“What’s the thing with strawberry chocolate pistachio flavored ice cream today, geez,” Taehyung hears Hoseok wonder, and he laughs wholeheartedly. “Just earlier another guy entered asking for the same fucking thing when we’re still waiting for the restock of the flavor.”
Taehyung chuckled. “I told you strawberry chocolate pistachio ice cream is the best.”
Hoseok huffed. “The guy really waited for the stock, you know.”
*****
Jungkook planted a soft kiss on Taehyung’s lips, licking the remnants of the ice cream off and making the latter shiver.
“Come to Seoul with me.” Jungkook nuzzled the junction between Taehyung’s jaw and his neck, breathing in deeply.
“No one will question us there. It’ll just be you and me,” Jungkook continued, trailing kisses onto Taehyung’s neck softly.
Taehyung tilted his head to the side, giving Jungkook more access. He stayed silent.
“Tae?”
Taehyung adjusted so that he could look at Jungkook properly. Jungkook must’ve sensed Taehyung’s discomfort at his suggestion.
“I mean, only if you want to–”
“I trust you,” Taehyung cut him off, still gazing at Jungkook intensely.
For a moment, Jungkook studied him carefully, eyeing if there was consistency in his word and action. After confirming Taehyung really did trust him, Jungkook leaned in and kissed him again, this time savoring the taste of Taehyung’s mouth on his own, gratitude whispered against his lips.
“I’ll take care of us, I promise.”
But apparently, it didn’t happen, did it?
*****
Taehyung doesn’t want to go to the river. No, it’s too much, even for an optimistic person like him.
How could he, when he came back there two years straight but never saw Jungkook once?
How could he, when their love was real, but their lives got in the way?
When Jungkook was everything to Taehyung, but to others their love meant nothing at all?
If Taehyung were to enumerate the only three principles he lives his life on, those would be optimism, patience, and love.
He’s pursued optimism. Against the disapproving remarks of people in public, against the cold silence both Jungkook and his family treated them that cut him deeply inside, against his rocky relationship with Jungkook because of Taehyung’s newfound, stark difference of their attitudes. He’s tried to keep himself together, tried to keep everything in place so fucking hard even when he could clearly foresee the pieces slowly falling to the dead, unwelcoming ground.
He’s pursued patience, through and through. Whenever Jungkook raised his voice over an argument, it was because he had a tough day studying for his exams. Whenever Jungkook stayed out late and didn’t bother texting or calling Taehyung to let him know, it was because he was busy finishing his project, or because he had to work on his new choreography. Whenever Taehyung felt alone and unloved, it wasn’t because Jungkook was lacking, it was because Taehyung was a Daegu boy who felt insecure of his place in Jungkook’s life.
And love. Taehyung just needed one smile thrown in his direction and he would’ve returned it ten times fold, would’ve believed his love was reciprocated. His everyday chrysanthemums were there to remind him, anyway, that he made the right decision to live together with Jungkook in Seoul, even when their arguments grew more heated with every passing day they were in each other’s presence. That later on, when both Jungkook’s and Taehyung’s parents see that they held onto each other even if their parents had practically disowned them, that their love stayed true and stayed strong, they’d come to the conclusion that Jungkook and Taehyung were good for each other.
But if those principles weren’t enough…
If those weren’t enough, then what more ?
*****
Taehyung looked up, shocked, as he heard the door slamming. Jungkook just got back to their shared dorm at two in the morning. Taehyung should be worried, but recently it had been happening too often already. Besides, if he texted or called Jungkook, he wouldn’t receive any reply either, so the least thing he could do was wait.
“Did you want to eat anything?”
“What’s in there?” Jungkook walked over to their kitchenette, sitting in front of Taehyung after a moment.
“Just some sandwiches.”
Taehyung heard Jungkook sighing. “Can’t you get anything else? We’ve been eating those since Monday.”
Taehyung studied his boyfriend carefully. “I’m trying to cut off our expenses.”
“Tae, you don’t have to do this. We just have to hold out until we graduate, and we can find work and we’ll start fresh.”
“That’s the thing, we still got a long way to go.”
Jungkook sighed for the second time that night. “Okay, fine. But you don’t have to starve yourself just to–”
“Then I don’t get why you stopped bringing chrysanthemums home.”
Jungkook stared at Taehyung in disbelief.
“You know full well we wouldn’t afford a lot if I kept on buying those flowers,” the underlying warning creeping in Jungkook’s tone screamed Taehyung to shut up because this wouldn’t do any good, but fuck, he missed the chrysanthemums so bad, he missed Jungkook so bad. He came to Seoul so that he could be with the one he loved all the time, but it seemed like he was getting even further and further away from his lover.
“They mean a lot to me, Jungkook. They mean home to me.”
“Fuck what they mean to you, Taehyung! I’m trying to keep us alive here and all you care about are those fucking flowers?”
Taehyung flinched unintentionally with Jungkook’s sharp tone. By now, tears were welling in Taehyung’s eyes, but he refused to back down, couldn’t understand what was wrong with his boyfriend. “What the fuck, Jungkook? What the fuck is happening to you?”
“I’m trying so hard, Taehyung. I’m trying so fucking hard. I go to classes in the morning and I get part-time jobs whenever I can so that my parents cutting me out financially wouldn’t affect us that much, but you’re just thinking about your goddamn flowers? What the fuck is happening to you?”
“I already told you, Jungkook, I don’t care about that shit. I don’t care if I can’t have a decent meal once in a while, I don’t care if we can’t fix that broken heater in our shower– I don’t fucking care. All I wanted was for us to be together, but you’re not even answering my calls or my texts–”
“I was fucking busy.”
“Yeah, fucking right I believe you all the time. Those flowers were what kept me going when you–”
“When I what, Taehyung? When I what? What did I fucking do wrong now?”
“Everything! You’re doing everything fucking wrong! You’re not even listening to what I want anymore! You’re always classes here, work there, projects this, part-time job that. You think I don’t know what you’ve been doing to yourself, huh? Why are you making it fucking hard for yourself? I can live off noodles, we can both get scholarships and allowances from the university, we could make it through, together. Without having to argue about all this shit, without having to spend time away from each other…”
With each word he spat, Taehyung felt the dam breaking inside him, all of his pent-up frustrations and concern for his suffering boyfriend rising onto the surface until he could only manage to whisper the last words, covering his face as tears were now rapidly flowing from his swollen, puffy eyes. “You promised to take care of us. You promised…”
Okay, it was stupid of him, really, to start an argument like this when he knew full well of their dire financial situation, of what Jungkook had gone through these past few months. It was childish and Taehyung should’ve known better, but he wanted to speak his mind this time. Taehyung was tired.
With each passing day that he couldn’t inhale the earthy scent of fresh new chrysanthemums, his heart fell together with more dying petals. With each passing day that Jungkook didn’t seem to show just a little bit of affection and just a little bit better, the weight on Taehyung’s shoulders felt heavier and heavier, with Jungkook’s support seemingly vanishing from hindsight. With each passing day that people mocked them and taunted them, Taehyung grew so fucking tired.
The light that was once shining brightly behind Taehyung’s eyes withered away into the cold night, until all that was left was ash and the fading shadow of Jungkook’s love.
The night was getting darker, but sadly, there was no more light to get Taehyung going through.
Jungkook let the silence settle in, waited until Taehyung’s sobs turned into quiet sniffs of air. He didn’t hold Taehyung’s soft, precious hands.
It was the first broken piece of Taehyung’s heart.
Jungkook took a deep shaky breath, before finally speaking his mind. “I’m doing everything I can, Tae, everything I fucking can. But… I can’t make you happy anymore, I know.”
Taehyung fought the rising choke in his throat. Taehyung searched Jungkook’s eyes, knowing fully well what he meant but wanting to hide from the truth that they were running out of time, like an hourglass letting loose its last grains of sand.
It was a lie. He has always been more than overjoyed whenever he was with Jungkook.
“I’m only hurting you.”
But that… That, he didn’t know anymore.
Taehyung’s shaky breath filled the room, but he had to get this out, for once, for himself. “You say it like you’re the only one who’s struggling.”
“Then let’s stop.”
This was it. It was either Jungkook or Taehyung himself leaving those exact words hanging in the air between them, it was only a matter of time. But the sharpness and emptiness of Jungkook’s voice rang through Taehyung. He knew he’d hear them, but actually hearing them felt even more painful, especially when Taehyung was hoping against odds that they wouldn’t actually break up, would just see time off each other while they settle their own lives first.
“Can we… Can we just take a break?” Taehyung gulped.
Jungkook looked down, shook his head, and smiled sadly.
Taehyung reached for Jungkook’s hands, as if trying to hold on to something that he couldn’t keep any longer. “I love you.”
There was no reply. It was the second broken piece of Taehyung’s heart.
“I’m sorry for hurting you so much.”
Taehyung knew, and Jungkook knew. This was the only way to go. Taehyung could apologize, take back everything he had said. He could ask Jungkook to treat himself better. They could talk to each other about what bothered them, be more honest, probably, but even then, what would keep them from separating? Taehyung’s parents had kicked him out ever since he agreed to go to Seoul with Jungkook. He has been on partial scholarship ever since, working part-time and trying to study harder as well so he could reach the cut-off for full scholarship, even when Jungkook assured him through littered kisses that he wasn’t a burden at all. At that time, Taehyung thought they could make it through. As long as both of them were doing their best, understanding each other and trusting each other, they could make it through.
But ever since they had an unfortunate encounter with Jungkook’s cousin, things began to spiral down until Taehyung could not even see the end of the black void anymore. Not only did rivalry and satisfaction drove Jungkook’s cousin to mock and taunt them in front of the public, he even had to report that incident to Jungkook’s entire family. And now Jungkook was the next one to be kicked out, frantically applying for at least a partial scholarship as well and taking on his share of part-time jobs.
But even then Taehyung didn’t lose hope. He could see the shame and unforgiveness in Jungkook’s eyes, not directed at him but at himself, at how he couldn’t keep his promise to take care of them both. At how he had to see Taehyung struggle with him, because of him. At how Jungkook dragged Taehyung down into his own mess, chaining him from what could have possibly been a better future for Taehyung.
Taehyung knew Jungkook was blaming himself for everything, thinking he couldn’t make Taehyung happy anymore. And that was the lie, the shit that everyone planned to get into Jungkook’s head ever since Taehyung first laid eyes on Jungkook. That was why Taehyung still stayed with him, to prove them wrong. To prove them that Jungkook was everything to Taehyung, that he didn’t need a lot to get them going.
But it was hard. And it became harder and harder. As days dragged on Jungkook’s self-hatred and guilt ate him up bit by bit, distancing himself away from Taehyung more and more. Whenever Jungkook noticed Taehyung trying to cut their expenses off, he’d act like they didn’t have a financial issue and tell Taehyung to keep himself comfortable, always. But Taehyung could see through it. See through how Jungkook came home later and later because of God knew what, body exhausted all the time, sometimes covered in bruises and reeking of alcohol (but his breath didn’t), but never eating anything Taehyung bought for him.
It was painful, so painful Taehyung wasn’t sure if there was actually an exact word for it, knowing deep inside Jungkook had done something Taehyung knew in his gut wasn’t good for him. Knowing that he hadn’t even been able to touch Jungkook and yet Jungkook allowed others to bruise him, wound him painfully. And then everything, everything just simply turned dangerous. Dangerous because Jungkook was treading on illegal lines, dangerous because Taehyung couldn’t do anything to help, didn’t know how to feel anymore. Jungkook and Taehyung were walking on unsteady ground, and they were bound to fall down, sooner or later. Even when they were holding each other’s hand. Even when they had been there for each other. It was only a matter of time.
Taehyung smiled sadly. Whatever happened to all the love songs telling them that love was all they needed? They were too childish, too gullible. But even then Taehyung didn’t want to let go, not entirely at least.
So if there’s one last thing he wanted to say to the person he loved, then it would be a promise, a statement that Taehyung would still fight for what they have, for as long as he lived. “If we ever become fine, let’s start again like we don’t know each other.”
Jungkook nodded. “Take care.”
And Taehyung has never stopped waiting since then.
*****
So what more? Three years have passed since their break-up, and every single year Taehyung went to the river, he saw no signs of Jungkook, or even of his lingering presence in the air.
Those were the third and fourth broken pieces of his heart, and Taehyung doesn’t think he could take any more any longer. But he knew he would still go anyway, would still bask in the warmth of the spring so that he could heal, could pick up the broken pieces of his heart once again and mend them together so he can gather the strength to wait for another year, and the cycle would go around and around again.
It was a beautiful day, after all. Too beautiful for a promise to be broken. Too beautiful for love to bear no meaning after all that had happened.
So Taehyung allowed the children’s laughter and bursts of innocence to take him to the spot where Jungkook gave him his first bouquet of chrysanthemums, all while caressing the petals of the little stem of blossom inside his shoulder bag.
Taehyung doesn’t know why he bought it, really. The florist guy, Jimin, was just too happy at the moment they were talking that it just seemed fitting for him to buy at least one something from the flower shop. And since chrysanthemums were his home, he had to buy one. He just had to.
Maybe it was a good thing, or maybe it was a bad one. Maybe Taehyung bought that chrysanthemum so that if Jungkook really does come, he’ll still find Taehyung’s unprecedented love for him. Or maybe he bought the flower so he can lay it down on the spot where it all began, so that he can finally move on from something that took so much from him.
It was just really painful, excruciating. The nights after their break-up led Taehyung numb but at the same time sore, like his heart couldn’t decide whether to break or to explode into itself, or just simply vanish from Taehyung’s chest so he couldn’t feel anything anymore. The endless mockery and not-so-subtle sarcasm his family threw at him when he finally went back to Daegu was just too much, and thinking that Jungkook’s situation would’ve been much worse than his own– everything just took too much from Taehyung, he didn’t know up until now how he had managed to survive.
But if Taehyung were to enumerate the only three principles he lives his life on, those would be optimism, patience, and love. So what more if those weren't enough, you ask?
Then Taehyung would just give more and more. He'd just think positively even more, would stretch his patience even more, would love even more. And right now, he’s glad he’s followed them through and through, even when life practically threw the world onto Taehyung’s shoulders without so much as a warning or a helping hand.
Because, there, right in front of him, right on the spot where he finally had his first scent of home after living in the much too crowded city of Seoul, was Jungkook, lying on the grass, eyes closed and seemingly peaceful and content even amongst the noise of the park and the people who are giving him the eye because of lying on the grass and taking up too much space.
With one hand holding a bouquet of fresh, red and white chrysanthemums.
If it were other people, they would’ve first felt shock. Or maybe hesitation. Or maybe they’d rub their eyes in disbelief, hoping that it wasn’t just a trick of the mind.
But it was not other people. It was Taehyung.
“Are those chrysanthemums?”
Shock. It was the first thing that Taehyung saw in his eyes. But underneath them, underneath the long lashes and the innocent, chocolate irises, there lies the unmistakeable color of relief. Strength, promise, and something Taehyung hasn’t seen for a long time in his lover's eyes– pride.
Today was a day too beautiful for promises to be broken.
Taehyung would like to believe Jungkook agrees with that.
“Oh, sorry for not introducing myself first.” Taehyung squeezes the chrysanthemum in his bag one last time and lets go, wiping his hands on his jeans and holding one up for a handshake.
Today was a day too beautiful for love to bear no meaning after everything that had happened.
But it was a day just right for love to begin anew. Fresh, beautiful, unprecedented.
Taehyung would like to believe Jungkook agrees with that, too.
“Hello, it’s very nice to meet you. I’m Kim Taehyung, and I love you.”