Chapter Text
You think I'd leave your side, baby
You know me better than that
You think I'd leave you down when you're down on your knees
I wouldn't do that
When you're on the outside, baby, and you can't get in
I will show you, you're so much better than you know
When you're lost, and you're alone, and you can't get back again
I will find you, darling, and I will bring you home
Chapter Twelve
The dowager viscountess had left the day before, back to London and social obligations she had waiting for her there, when Eloise found herself playing chess with her husband in her bedchambers, a little worktable brought next to her bed so that she could play comfortably while propped up on several pillows. Phillip sat on a chair opposite her, and while thus occupied, she discovered another interesting characteristic of her husband. He took chess playing seriously, very serious indeed, and his look of intense concentration and focus made her suppress a laugh every time she looked up from the board. He looked like he was pondering important Parliamentary business, such as military budget, or bills to protect grain prices, or how to suppress radical political unrest throughout the empire rather than simply making his next move on the game board. He looked like the future of the entire empire depended on him making a successful, clever next move. Eloise liked chess reasonably, which was to say that she enjoyed the version Benedict and her had made up that involved moderate amounts of chicanery, deception, and complete sabotage while making sardonic comments toward each other the whole time. Her husband, she discovered, would tolerate no amounts of guile, and required faithful adherence to rules to properly honor the spirit of the game. Whatever that meant.
The twins were playing with a puzzle on the floor next to them. This puzzle was a historical scene of royal successions, to show the monarchy’s history over the years. Of course, all toys had to serve some kind of educational purpose for children of the era, though Amanda and Oliver seemed to enjoy it, nevertheless. Bessie was curled up beside them, sleeping in a beam of sunshine, looking content and peaceful as only a slumbering, well-loved animal can. After the chess game had been going on for an exorbitantly long time in Eloise’s estimation, something roused Bessie from her sleep, and she unexpectedly jumped up on Phillip’s lap, cuddling into his arms and demanding head rubs and stroking. As it was Eloise’s turn to make a move on the chessboard, Phillip took a moment to indulge Bessie, rubbing her ears and even kissing her between her eyes. Distracted from the sight in front of her, Eloise discovered another fascinating side to her husband. He adored animals, and something about the loving way he petted and cuddled Bessie was deeply endearing. And attractive. So attractive it was rather distracting, and thus she made a silly move on the board and Phillip was able to trap her king in a checkmate, effectively ending the game.
“You didn’t even try to make that game competitive at the end. That was a very amateur move there, Lady Crane.”
Eloise was rather surprised by Phillip’s teasing of her chess playing abilities. Usually, he was so gratingly proper and polite and guarded. Everything was always yes, of course, and what a wonderful idea, and that makes complete sense, Eloise, most assuredly. This was the first time he actually said something a little saucy to her and she found that she liked it. Maybe he was finally letting her in, slowly but surely, revealing not just the polite, aloof façade that the rest of the world was always presented with, but the real Phillip, who had real emotions and real reactions including frustration and disappointment and amusement at any given moment.
“I am not an expert at chess, unfortunately. Benedict and I played quite frequently, but it was usually played to come up with more conniving ways to win in underhanded ways the other could not suspect. I am afraid I am not adept at playing chess with the proper rules. If you want, I can demonstrate you a round of the chess Benedict and I developed.”
“I would rather not, as chess cannot be distorted with your immorality and flippant disregard for what is proper and right. Talk of sedition and treason, I will allow. Planning to overthrow the monarchy and Parliament so that women can be allowed equal rights and proper participation in government, naturally that is completely acceptable. However, I must draw a line somewhere. Chess cannot be corrupted in this household. I am sorry to disappoint you.”
Eloise laughed, surprised and delighted by her husband. Who would have known he could be so charming and funny, in his awkward way?
“Well, I will allow you that one concession to propriety and protocol I suppose. Chess will stay unadulterated. Unfortunately. You don’t know what you are missing out on. So many fun afternoons with Benedict, especially when he was inebriated on one substance or another. Someday soon, I will have to invite him over and indulge a game with him and we can enjoy all the subterfuge and trickery to our hearts content.”
Phillip only offered her a smile in reply, indulging her silliness, as he started to organize and put away the chess pieces. As he was cleaning up the worktable space, Eloise turned her attention to the twins, who were making admirable progress on their floor puzzle.
“You are doing a wonderful job, twins, with your puzzle. I am starting to make out all the monarchs in recent history. Who would you say is your favorite monarch to learn about? Amanda? Oliver?”
“My favorite to study is Henry the 8th. Of course he was an awful human being, and horrible to all his wives, especially the ones he had beheaded because a good husband should not have their wives beheaded no matter how saucy they were. He was a very bad husband, yes. But I guess he did some things that were good for the history of England. I don’t know. Good people are never that interesting to learn about. Bad people are much more interesting. Take our father for instance. He is a good and kind man, but I would not want to read his biography. It would be very tedious to suffer through.”
“Thank you, Oliver.”
“You are welcome, Father. Your biography would be all about plants and how you took such careful care of plants and how you knew every variation of wildflower in England including its Latin name and classification. It would bore someone to tears. Or they might even fall asleep halfway through before completing the text.”
“You are a very kind son.”
“Thank you. I do my best.”
Stifling a laugh because Oliver was too young to notice his father’s tone of sarcasm, Eloise turned to Amanda. “How about you, Amanda? Who is your favorite monarch to study in history?”
“I would say Queen Elizabeth. She was such an exact leader and had no sympathy at all, which I think is a useful skill to have in life, especially as a leader. Sympathy makes a person weak. And liable to attack. England was therefore very peaceful under her rule. She was a strong, independent woman and England was never mightier than under her rule.”
“Good answer, Amanda. I will make a suffragette out of you to join the fight for equality.”
“What is a suffragette?”
“A person that believes women should have a voice in government and be able to vote and participate in decisions that impact women as well as men.”
“Then yes, I want to be a suffragette. Of course, women should have equal rights. We are naturally smarter and more capable than most men. For example, I am much smarter than Oliver, just ask our governess, and you seem much smarter than Father as you know lots about all sorts of subject matter and he only knows plants.”
“Thank you, Amanda.”
“You are most welcome, Father. And back to equal rights for women, it would only make sense, as Elizabeth was the best monarch our country has ever seen, so of course women should vote and participate in Parliament and county elections. The nation would improve greatly.”
Though it was dreadfully dull and mundane to be in bed all day long, recovering from her broken ankle, Eloise could not help but admit afternoons like this, with the twins and Phillip and sweet Bessie were delightful and charming in a way she could have never anticipated before this marriage of convenience.
“When is Grandmama coming again to Romney Hall?”
“Grandmama, hmmm? That is a nice name to call her.”
“Yes, she became Grandmama when she brought us each our own box of sweets, including chocolates from the best chocolatier in London. They were delicious, by the way, and Oliver and I ate them all in one evening, sorry Father for our lack of restraint! They were just so delicious! Anyway, she brought us both new watercolor sets and this monarchy puzzle was actually a gift from Grandmama, too, as she is concerned with our education out here in the country. We hope she returns very quickly. We miss her already. And she gives the best hugs! We want another Grandmama hug!”
“I will have to write Grandmama and thank her for all of these lovely gifts and inquire into when she might return.”
“Hopefully her return will be imminent. We love her! We’ve never had a grandmama before, so it is a most delightful experience to finally have one! Thank you for bringing us a grandmama, Eloise!”
Eloise felt tears collect in her eyes. These poor, sweet darlings so alone in the world and thankful for simple interaction that most children would take for granted.
________________________________________________
While Eloise took a midafternoon nap, still prone to getting tired out more easily than before her accident, Phillip took the children on a nature walk. He berated himself a bit that he could never find anything more interesting to do with his own children, as a nature walk was his usual, predictable standby for spending meaningful time with the children. However, the children always seemed to enjoy time outside, so he tried to let the misgivings go and just enjoy the fresh air. They were looking for wildflowers that only bloomed in late summer and found several beautiful examples the children wanted to snap off and create a bouquet for Eloise, as they were prone to do anytime they found something lovely thinking it would brighten her day. The early August afternoon was golden yellow and warm and splendid in its vividness. The trees were vividly green, the sky was vividly blue, the trees were vividly verdant, and the wildflowers were a vivid, explosion of colors in all different hues.
“What a perfectly lovely summer day. I wish Eloise could be out here with us. We could catch some tree frogs and drop them in her arms. She is so funny when she squeals.”
“This sounds suspiciously like guilt, as if you know from experience what her squeals sound like when presented with frogs and toads. What have I told you children about surprising people with amphibians without proper warning?”
“We know, Father! We don’t need another lecture on the subject. She was just so unsuspecting, and the moment was so ideal a few weeks ago, we could not resist. It was so funny! You should have seen her face. Anyway, we miss her on these nature walks and outings. She is hilarious and she tells the most interesting stories.”
“I am sorry, children, that she hasn’t been available to play with. She is busy recovering, but I do believe she is on the mend. Dr. Thorne is very optimistic about her recovery and that everything is going smoothly.”
“We were so afraid when she was injured. We just wanted to say how sorry we are, again, for Eloise getting hurt. We didn’t want it to happen when we were playing that day, and she tripped over the tree roots. As I live, upon my honor, we did not want her to get hurt. We just wanted some fun that afternoon we played Touch.”
“It was an accident, Amanda and Oliver. Accidents happen and they cannot be prevented. Please don’t feel as if it could be your fault.”
The twins were having a hard time looking at Phillip in the eye. They gripped the cut flowers in their hands and stared at the ground, both of their little lips quivering slightly.
“Please don’t be cross with us, Father. We did not mean for her to get hurt. We wish she could recover immediately and be all better and play and do all the things she enjoys doing, instead of trapped in her bed all day.”
“I am not cross. I promise. You needn’t feel sad. It was an accident. Please banish this negative thinking from your minds. It is all right.”
Suddenly, the twins both threw themselves in Phillip’s arms, crying in a torrent of sobs and tears they must have been holding back for a very long time, since Eloise was first injured. Phillip was faced with a wave of guilt and regret. He should have attended to the twins and their emotional needs more effectively, in the immediate aftermath of Eloise’s accident. They must have been suffering silently this last fortnight, thinking it was their fault Eloise was hurt. The poor things. Feeling a little awkward, but nevertheless continuing forward, Phillip put his arms around each child, rubbing their backs in steady, circular motions while murmuring quiet, soft, reassuring words of comfort. Their arms came around him tentatively, and then holding onto this coat fiercely. For a few moments, this was perfect and everything the three of them needed. He needed to hug his children more often, he realized in the woods that afternoon, so they would know without a doubt they were loved and cared for and not alone in this vast, frightening world. They were never alone, he was never going to leave them, and he had been too neglectful in showing that to them. He had spent too many years avoiding his children, other than providing the basic needs, because he was afraid he would end up like his own father, and he could never allow that to happen. Furthermore, he did not think he had earned the right to be close with them, not when their actual parents were dead and cruelly denied that opportunity. It was safer and more benign for the twins, he thought, if he kept a polite, civil distance. But he’d been wrong, so very wrong.
“I love you,” he said to them, hoarsely, with great emotion. You know that, don’t you?”
They nodded, their eyes bright.
“I will always love you,” he whispered, crouching down until they were all of a level. He drew them close again, savoring their warmth. “I will always love you.”
_____________________________________
That night, as Phillip prepared for bed and entered Eloise’s bedchamber to sleep by her side as she requested every night since her injury, claiming she could only sleep comfortably with him nearby, he had a vague sense of unease building within him. He despised confrontation, actually ran from it any opportunity he was presented with, so as to avoid difficult conversations. And Eloise was looking at him during their chess game as if she had many things she wished to discuss when they were alone, narrowing her eyes from time to time like she was planning her course of attack and knowing she’d end up victorious.
Sure enough, when her eyes landed on him entering her chambers, Eloise smiled triumphantly. She knew she had him trapped, right where she wanted him.
“Good evening, dear husband! I hope the children are sleeping comfortably by now in the nursery?”
“Yes, they fell asleep quite easily. We finished Robinson Crusoe tonight and they were amazed by its conclusion. They talked a little bit about everything that happened and then fell asleep rather abruptly. Oliver fell asleep mid-sentence, muttering something about Friday and Crusoe on a merchant voyage, fighting off wild animals and wondering what those animals must have looked like and what weapons would be needed to effectively fend off attacks. Pondering the advantages and disadvantages of various weapons against various animals the duo may have faced in the wild, he fell asleep without reaching an acceptable conclusion to his queries. I’m sure he will have many dreams on the subject matter tonight and he will inform us at breakfast what he determined, in great and exhausting detail.”
“That sounds like a very Oliver thing to say and do. I am so glad the children enjoyed the book.”
“Yes, thank you for starting it with them. I think I would like to carry on this practice, of reading a chapter or two from a novel with the twins before bed. It seems to settle them down, and it allows us the chance to spend a little time together.”
“That is a truly lovely idea. I think the twins would adore the chance to read a book with you at bedtime, as well. It seems like it was a beautiful day outside. I watched the sunset from my window. The sunset has become dreadfully inconsiderate.”
Phillip blinked.
"I beg your pardon?"
"It insists upon being gorgeous when I cannot chase after it. How I long to be out there again, watching up close as the sun sets in an explosion of purple and blue and pink, illuminating the lake in its brilliance.”
Only Eloise Bridgerton, he thought, could make convalescence sound like an argument with nature itself. He shook his head and could only smile in reply. That happened a lot around her. Where he was left speechless, in pure wonderment of the pure force that was Eloise.
"How is your ankle feeling this evening?"
"It continues existing."
"I shall inform Dr. Thorne. He will be most pleased it did not disappear.”
Eloise laughed, a startled sound, and he smiled again, glad to hear her laughter again, taking it as a positive sign that her recovery was indeed proceeding smoothly without complication.
“There, I achieved my goal for today. I have made you smile. Twice now. I can sleep comfortably now, knowing I accomplished my task I set forth with at the beginning of the day.”
He could just shake his head. She was so charmingly absurd. Meanwhile, she was looking at him, staring at him quite relentlessly, a slight smile lingering upon her lips as if she was about to say something that would upend their world.
"I remember."
Phillip's heartbeat stumbled.
"I beg your pardon?" He groaned internally. He was such a rhetorician.
"The fever."
His stomach turned cold.
"The laudanum."
She continued watching his face.
"I remember every word we shared that evening, despite the fever and laudanum and delirious pain. And while some recollections are a little discomforting to recall in perfect detail, I don’t regret a word I told you that evening right after my injury. I meant every single word, and I thought it was time you knew that. I love you, Phillip Crane.”
The words landed between them with astonishing gentleness, not a declaration hurled like lightning from the heavens, nor like a battle cry in war, but rather, simply, the truth. Ancient as rivers that flowed undoubtedly to the sea never questioning its path, evident as dawn rising after the darkest part of the night, predictable like the sun setting in the west and the moon taking its place night after night without fail.
The words settled over him like peace, like coming home. He closed his eyes for a moment, letting her words settle deep within every lonely, scared, hurt place left by his family’s legacy of abuse and despair.
Still, he heard someone that sounded very similar to Thomas Crane telling him that she did not know her own mind, that she was still injured and still taking small doses of laudanum, and the forced proximity of being cooped up in her room all day during this convalescence with only his company and the servants was making her feel more than she should.
He looked at her then, desperately, almost pleading.
“You were very feverish that night. The laudanum. It is an extremely potent, powerful drug. You were in immense pain. You are still suffering from pain and discomfort. You cannot know your own mind right now.”
“I am deeply offended that you should say that to me. You know me better than that. I never say a word unless I mean it. You speak as if I am a weak, fragile little lady, ready to faint away, and as if I don’t know my own mind. That I require a man to tell me what I feel, what I think. I ought to throttle you for that comment. You are testing my patience beyond its bearing point. Arguing with me about my own feelings. You are being absurd.”
“I am sorry. I don’t wish to offend you.”
“Do you think so little of yourself that you cannot or will not accept love when it offered freely, not under distress or coercion, but as a gift between my heart and yours? You have absolutely earned it with your goodness and bravery and honor. You are the bravest, most honorable person I’ve ever met. You sacrificed your entire future for your brother’s children. Marrying Marina when you absolutely were under no obligation to do so. Raising Amanda and Oliver like they are your own, providing your name and home without hesitation. You have provided me with every freedom I desire, without asking questions or demanding adherence to your rules and stipulations like any other husband would. I can read and write to my heart’s content; peruse whatever radical volume I choose without censure. I can host intellectual salons and spend my entire summer planning it to the point of obsession, and yet you don’t blink an eye. And it doesn’t matter that I am inadequate at best when it comes to planning menus, supervising staff, managing budgets, directing charity, or navigating rigid social ranking with proper table seating at dinner parties. I won’t be hosting balls or doing anything a proper lady should. I am proving to be a terrible wife for a baronet, but I don’t think you mind one whit.”
“You are an extraordinary baronet’s wife.”
Eloise smiled so kindly, so tenderly, the look on her face nearly undid him. Phillip felt tears gather in the corner of his eyes, which was absolutely absurd and ridiculous because men did not cry, as his father informed him repeatedly and so he learned to never cry, not even after the most severe beatings.
“I love you. Wholeheartedly and most assuredly. You must get used to it, sir. You will have to stop feeling sorry for yourself and simply learn to accept this turn of events, as I am relentless when it comes to things I am passionate about. I love you. And I believe we can have a marvelous marriage if we start to communicate openly so that we strive to understand each other correctly, respecting our various perspectives and ideas.”
For a few moments, Phillip was speechless. Which, of course. Naturally. He was a man of few words. He took her hand and kissed the knuckles over and over, tenderly, a whisper of his lips against her skin.
“I love you, too. If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more. But you know what I am. I am a man of few words. I love you, however, and I always will.”
There were tears in Eloise’s eyes, too. And also laughter. And wonder.
“You quoted Jane Austen within your declaration of love! You truly are my perfect match. You have to learn how to banish your father’s voice from your mind. You deserve love. You have my love. He will not have dominion over your mind any longer. You are mine now and I take care of those that I love. Let him stay banished to hell where he belongs. I love you. I love you. I love you.”
“I’m so lucky,” Phillip said as he paused in kissing her knuckles and instead leaned over the bed to press a soft, sweet, lingering kiss against her lips. “I think I’ve waited my entire life for you.”
“I know I’ve been waiting for you,” Eloise said.
The kiss continued and became quite intense, as Phillip’s lips moved to a spot below her ear that always made her sigh deliciously. Staying carefully on her right side, to avoid the injury, his hand trailed from her waist to her ribcage to her breast, and she sighed again while arching her back to press closer to him. Her arm wrapped his shoulder, her fingers combing through the curls at the nape of his neck. The kiss continued slower this time, unhurried, filled with every promise they were only now learning how to communicate.
Their kiss carried weeks of restrained affection, months of cautious friendship, and the quiet miracle of two lonely hearts finally discovering they had been walking toward one another all along. Skin met skin like a whisper answering a long prayer, smooth and sudden and true.
“I wish I was not convalescing. Dr. Thorne said I must avoid vigorous activity for another four weeks at least to respect the recovery process.”
“What I have in mind requires little to no activity on your part. Just lie back, my darling, and let me do all the work.”
Closing her eyes as Phillip eased his way down her body, kissing her skin like he was worshipping at an altar, they were both thinking how lucky they were indeed to finally find the person they’d been waiting their entire lives for.