Chapter Text
Things were somewhat making sense… okay, not entirely, but Ivan was no longer super confused regarding everything.
It was Thursday evening and he was lying in his bed, simply staring at the ceiling as he let himself float, lifted by his thoughts.
Today was boring, even more so than yesterday.
The most exciting thing to happen on Wednesday was the hour of detention he had to fulfil because of accidentally injuring his teammate. He had gotten a teacher, Luka by the name, who greatly resembled the winner of the last season of Alien Stage, to look after him.
Luka was a bit annoying. He didn’t verbally pester Ivan or anything, but he had been constantly clicking his pen. Ivan was too polite to say something despite the sound getting on his nerves, but he let his irritation show. Luka seemed unfazed, and thus Ivan had started making noise back, to bother Luka back.
One sound had turned into another as the two tried to get the other to break, and that’s how the entire hour flew by. And that was the most eventful hour of Wednesday. The second interesting thing to happen that day was some random guy confessing to him. He had no clue who he was, but he accepted, just to see where things would go. After all, why not? He didn’t really like the guy, he didn’t even know him but it would be an interesting experience.
However, today was just horrible. School was the same as the last two days, minus the detention, and home was the same, too. Even in this universe, he couldn’t escape Unsha, and this time he got Sua’s guardian, too, because they were siblings. It was a bit overwhelming, if he had to admit, but it was nothing compared to alien Unsha, and thus he could bear it. He will bear it. He wondered if they all got human versions of their alien guardians. Hopefully not. He didn’t want Till to be with Urak. Ivan never let it show, but he hated Urak with the same intensity he loved Till. He hated Urak with his whole being.
Anyways, Sua was at Mizi’s, so he was completely alone, and still painfully bored.
Ivan sighed heavily.
At least he had tomorrow to look forward to. Tomorrow was their sleepover at Mizi’s, and Till would be picking him up immediately after school for the two to hang out until it was time to go to Mizi’s. He was somewhat excited, and not just because of Till. Okay, maybe Till was the biggest factor, but who could blame him?
He yawned in his palm. He was exhausted. Getting sleep could be the cure to his tiredness and boredom, too.
He turned to his side, facing the cream wall littered with posters. He held eye contact with printed, soulless eyes staring at him, until slumber seized him, letting it all fade to black.
A soft melody filled the air, a welcome sound to Ivan’s ears. The land of dreams around him was blurry, like one of Till’s watercolour paintings where the colours were bleeding into one another. Ivan followed the music almost as if hypnotised by it, across the green fields littered with smudged fields of scarlet.
After walking for a small while, he finally found the source of the sewer song. A younger him, and a younger Till were sitting together, shoulders brushing against one another. At Till’s feet was a xylophone. Both of them were holding a singular mallet, and playing the instrument together.
Till was grinning while Ivan’s expression was blank, until Till turned to smile at him, which he mirrored.
The simple scene before him was just so… warming.
He crossed the distance over to the subjects of his dream, specifically focusing on Till. He kneeled before the gray-haired boy and smiled. Looking past him, he noticed another gray head, except it was much more prominent, and almost as if clearer, as if realer.
He walked past the kid versions, only to notice another Till, except unlike the rest of his dream, he looked real— which was stupid since this was a dream, and he looked like someone broken. His hair was longer than when Ivan last saw him, falling over his eyes that no longer shone. Bandages covered the side of his cheek and neck, a harsh contrast of white against the baggy black he was wearing.
He sat down next to him.
Unlike the younger Till, this Till noticed him. He slowly lifted his head, “‘van?” he croaked out, as if speaking was something foreign to him, “You’re not real…” he muttered, “Just a dream,” he let out a shaky breath.
Huh. In this dream, the person he was dreaming of thought that he was the one being dreamt. What a confusing statement.
“I’m real. Are you?” He asked.
Till hummed in response, curling up even more into himself, “But you’re not. You can’t be real. You’re dead,” his voice was muffled as he buried his face in his arm.
Ivan gently pulled away Till’s arm from himself, using the grip to steer him so that they were facing each other. Ivan stared into the familiar pair of teal eyes, watching them grow wet as tears pooled in them, threatening to stream down his cheeks.
Without warning, Till wrapped his arms around Ivan, head falling on his shoulder, not even trying to conceal the sobs that wracked through his body, “You idiot. Why did you do it?” He screamed into Ivan’s jacket, “Why did you have to die?” It was a bit hard for Ivan to get over the initial shock of Till being gentle towards him, holding him like this, like he mattered for him.
“Because it would’ve been easier for you to move on,” he stated simply.
“How could you think that?” He sobbed.
“Because you hate me,” he shrugged.
“But I don’t! I never did. I thought you hated me, though, until you did the lip-touchy thing and died for me,” he huffed, hiccuping and sniffling. Till pulled away, trying to control his tears, “I wish I could’ve understood you sooner, but it took you dying for me to realise everything, especially your true feelings for me,” his voice dipped into a whisper as soft as the music that had faded into background music for them.
Ivan tensed.
“I always thought I loved Mizi,” Till continued, “But I realised it wasn’t love, it was admiration. I looked up to her. I saw her as this… perfect person on some pedestal I couldn’t reach. But I didn’t love her the way one is supposed to love.”
“But you… I- I think I love you. I think I always did, but… but I only realised it when it was too late,” Till’s hand went up to his hair, tugging, and he laughed, except it didn’t feel genuine, “and now it’s all that I can think of. What if I had realised a bit sooner? Would things have changed? What if, that day, I’d have never let go, and- and we’d have escaped together? Would you then still have been here with me?”
“You can’t change the past so why bother dwelling on what-ifs and things that would’ve never happened?” Ivan replied, “It’s useless.” It was hypocritical of him to say that. He frequently thought about changing the past, specifically the escape. What if he had convinced Till to leave with him? What if he had left without Till?
In the end, he realised he wouldn’t have changed a single thing. Till’s happiness was what mattered. And it was at that moment Ivan learnt to love despite the pain, he learnt to love unconditionally.
“Ivan, I’m sorry,” Till hugged him once again. This time Ivan hugged him back. “I’m so sorry,” he repeated, “It’s my fault you died.”
“Can I tell you something?” Ivan asked, running one hand up and down Till’s back, the other resting in his long hair, fingers smoothening any knots they came across.
“Hmph.”
“I don’t regret it one bit. Dying for you. I would do it again without thinking.”
Past-him would’ve disagreed, finding the concept of death far too daunting and intimidating. But now, he understood Sua. He understood what it was to die for someone you loved.
But he felt guilty. Guilty for the fact that he was partially the cause behind Till losing his energy. He was the reason Till ended up like this, if this truly was the real Till, which he chose to believe it was.
“I’m sorry that my death ended up affecting you this much,” he apologised with as much sincerity as he could muster.
“It should’ve been me, though,” he mumbled, “You know, I kept on waiting for you to actually choke me. I’d have rather died at your hands.”
“But I never would have hurt you.”
“I know and I’m mad at you for that.”
“And I never would’ve been able to move on without you.”
“I know but neither could I, huh?” He laughed again, the sound vibrating against Ivan’s shoulder.
“Oh, and Till?”
“Yeah?” Till’s arms dropped to his side, but he still kept his head pressed against Ivan, and Ivan was grateful for that bit of contact.
“I want you to continue living as you would’ve, with or without me. I don’t want you to change a single thing of who you were, and I just want you to move on. That’s all I want from you,” he grabbed Till’s hands in his own and gave them a subtle squeeze, “Please.”
“I— I’ll try. But promise me you won’t leave. Promise me you’ll stay with me.”
“Always.”
Following Ivan’s vow, silence engulfed them but it was comfortable, like a warm blanket draped over them, huddling them closer. Till shuffled a bit, his head still resting on his shoulder, but his eyes were fixed on the younger version of them, a small smile tugging at his lips.
The younger-Till rested the mallet he was using on the grass, and plucked a red flower— an anemone, handing it to Ivan.
The younger-Ivan took it… and shoved it in his mouth, chewing on it as if it was something truly delectable, blissfully unaware to the look of rage and confusion on his friend’s face.
“You’re kind of stupid, you know?” Both Tills blurted out at the same time. The Till leaning on him paused before erupting into giggles that acted as the wind behind the dormant wings of Ivan’s heart, now fluttering and ready to take flight. He loved hearing Till laugh. He loved hearing Till in general, as long as he wasn’t crying because of Ivan.
Till continued talking, and Ivan listened quietly, like he always did, content enough just to hear Till addressing him in a gentle manner, or in any manner, as long as he was on the receiving end.
“Ivan, why aren’t you saying anything?”
He shrugged, “I have nothing left to say.”
“Come on, say something, please? Anything.”
He sighed, but paused abruptly, feeling a faint sensation against his face, as if being hit. The two kids before him were fading away, faces blurring and smudging until nothing remained. Till seemed to have noticed, too.
They were waking up.
Okay, maybe there was something he had to say, before everything dipped into dark once more.
“Till, thank you.”
“For what…?” He looked at Ivan with wide eyes, and Ivan couldn’t tell if it was for the fact that their little dream was shattering, or because he was perplexed as to why Ivan was thanking him. Probably a mix of both.
“Thank you for being the victim of my shallow emotions.”
And then he woke up.
Ivan cracked his eyes open a nudge, only to be greeted with the sight of Sua, holding a pillow high over her head as she brought it down on him with all her force— which was quite a lot, despite the fact that she was small. She somehow managed to make the pillow seem like it was the heaviest thing in the world.
She continued attacking him with the pillow, “Wake. Up. We. Are. Going. To. Be. Late,” Each word was punctuated by a hit, “And it’ll be your fault.”
“Five more minutes,” he whined, shielding his face with his arm. He wanted to see Till just a bit longer. He wanted to see his reaction.
“No. Now, get up or else I’ll drop the French dictionary on your face.”
He grumbled in response. The attacking ceased, and lured by the pretence of safety, he withdrew his arm only to see Sua approaching him with the thickest book he’s ever seen.
She was going to drop that thing on his face. Before that lunatic of a sister broke his nose, he swiftly sat upright, “I’m up!”
“Goo— hey, is that snot on your shoulder?” She pointed, scrunching her nose in disgust.
He turned his head to see a wet patch staining the fabric, and indeed some snot, too. Must be Till’s. He was the one who cried on his shoulder.
Oh, so they had some sort of shared dream then, considering Till had left behind evidence.
He had no clue how to react to that, but an ‘oh’ should suffice.
“Get that cleaned up,” she rolled her eyes and walked away.
At first he didn’t want to, but as much as he loves his Till and having any bit of him close, he’d much rather it not be his snot. That’s where he drew the line.
Till woke up gasping for air, wincing as he felt a strain in his neck. Unfamiliar faces surrounded him, screaming things his ringing ears could not yet understand, nor could his brain comprehend, too focused on the fact that he had seen Ivan. And he was real. He had to be real. He wanted him to be real.
Thank you for being the victim of my shallow victims.
His words had hurt, and they lingered, much like Ivan, a familiar face leaning against the doorframe. Ivan was still here. He always was.
The day had passed in a blur, and now Till was searching for Ivan. If only he could find that idiot. He tapped his foot against the rough gravel outside the school in frustration. He was never a patient man.
He pulled out his phone from his pocket, and scrolled to the group chat, accurately titled ‘3 gays and a guy’. (He was the guy)
Till: has anyone seen the mf
Sua: who?
Till: your brother
Mizi: He’s with Kai!! :D
Till: who tf is kai
Mizi: his new bf! Didnt he tell O-O
Till: WHAT
Certified jerk 🖕: Hello. I appear to be the subject of this conversation.
Sua: o u figured it out
Till: WEHRHEE AERN YIORIH YOU BSATADR
Mizi: Translation: where are you, you bastard? (his words not mine)
Sua: im amazed at your till-translating skills
Mizi: thank you :3
He frowned as Ivan stopped replying. Since when did Ivan had a boyfriend? Sure, many people were interested him but he wasn’t. Till knew everyone Ivan hung out with, and this Kai wasn’t one of them.
He walked back into the school, eyes scanning every face in search for only one. Ah, there he was.
Scowling, Till marched to where Ivan was leaning against a wall, with another man who had pulled him in a half-hug. That must be the Kai. He hated Kai, whoever that was.
Even from here, Till could see the mild discomfort on Ivan’s face at the touch. Kai must be blind. And stupid. Definitely stupid.
“Ivan!” He jogged the rest of the distance there, stopping by Ivan’s side, “Who’s he?”
“That’s Kai, my new boyfriend!” He beamed with the same energy of a toddler showing his shiny, new toy.
“No.”
“No…?” Ivan repeated, tilting his head, bearing an uncanny resemblance to a golden retriever.
“No,” Till echoed back.
“Ah well, Kai, you heard it firsthand. We’re not boyfriends,” his words seemed to be mocking but his tone was genuine. Ivan was confusing, “I guess this is the end.”
“What, you’re joking, right?” Kai laughed, voice dying out as neither Till nor Ivan joined in, “There’s no way you’re going to let this emo loser decide that, right?”
“This emo loser is my best friend, and his opinion matters to me the most,” Ivan stated simply.
Great, now Till felt bad. Or well, almost. Kai did call him a loser.
Ivan snaked his arm around Till’s and used it to steer him away. Till ended up taking the lead, guiding them to his car where his mom was sure to be waiting for the two.
“I didn’t expect you to be a jealous type,” Ivan remarked, the faintest hint of amusement hardly concealed in his voice.
“I’m not jealous!” He snapped in defence, “It’s just— Tell me honestly, do you even like Kai?”
“I don’t even know him,” he confessed, “I just accepted his confession to see how things would go.”
“Oh my god… you’re a bit weird.”
“Thank you,” he smiled, his snaggletooth poking out.
“Scratch that, you are very weird.”
The two arrived at Till’s home after a brief stop at Ivan’s to dispose of his school bag and instead take the stuff needed for the sleepover.
Till frowned as Ivan dawdled behind, staring around as if it was his first time visiting. Weirdo.
“We don’t have all day,” he called out, dashing up the stairs to his room. Watching him disappear out of sight must’ve snapped Ivan out of his daze for he, too, quickened his pace and hurried after Till, and into his room.
Again, Till found himself annoyed as Ivan looked around as if it was his first time here, despite the fact that they basically grew up together.
He shook away the irritation, “Wanna play Minecraft?”
“Oh, sure.”
Following the confirmation, Till went to set up two controllers, one for him, and the other for Ivan. He tossed one back to Ivan who stared at it as if it was something foreign.
Ugh.
Till sat down before the screen, and Ivan took the spot next to him. He logged onto their world, and immediately picked up the task he had started last time— mining for ancient debris to craft netherite ingots. He shot a glance towards Ivan’s side that occupied half the screen. He was doing nothing except studying Till and the way his fingers skilfully fiddled with the buttons and the joystick.
Again, weirdo. They played so often. How was he still so clueless?
After about ten minutes of doing nothing, Ivan moved. Finally. Ivan was running around in a meadow… for some reason, stopping before a pool of lava. Till turned to look at Ivan who appeared to be mesmerised by the pool of red.
This was… annoying.
“Ooh, ah, oops.”
“Ivan, what did you do?”
“I accidentally threw our wood into the lava.”
“Oh,” he sighed in relief, “As long as it’s not our diamonds, it’s cool.”
Till was blissfully unaware to the devilish idea he had accidentally planted in Ivan’s head. He paid no heed to Ivan who was now running around with a purpose— to find their diamonds and chuck them all into lava.
Till resumed his nether mining expedition, choosing not to focus on Ivan and his Ivan-coded shenanigans.
Again, he was clueless to the fact that Ivan had found their stash of diamonds, and with them in his inventory, was heading towards the pool of lava.
“Hey Till, check this out.”
Till looked up to Ivan’s side just in time to watch all thirty of their diamonds thrown into the lava.
His jaw dropped, “You did not.”
“I did.”
“No…” He felt his eye twitch. He threw his controller to the side, “You idiot!” He yelled into his palms.
Meanwhile, Ivan continued to stare at Till, studying his reaction.
“I want to punch something,” he forced his voice to be level.
“Here,” Ivan handed him a pillow.
“I want to punch you, actually,” he specified.
“Oh,” Ivan shuffled until his head was resting on Till’s lap, “You can punch me.” He peered at Till innocently through his lashes, nuzzling against his leg.
Till was so tempted to punch him but just seeing Ivan there, looking so adorable and innocent, even as he quite literally threw away an hour worth of mining… he couldn’t bring himself to hurt Ivan.
He curled his hand into a fist and raised it, intending to bring it down on Ivan’s skull but instead he ruffled his hair instead.
Till normally wasn’t this soft. In fact he had punched Ivan countless times. (He deserved it). But he… felt bad, now, especially seeing Ivan just accept it without a fight.
“I’m not going to punch you… yet. But I will make you mine for sixty diamonds, instead.”
“I threw only thirty, though?”
“The rest is compensation.”
“Fair enough.”
The rest of their time together went into Till forcing Ivan to venture into caves for mining, despite the method being less efficient than strip-mining, until it was time to go to Mizi’s.