Chapter Text
Kunikida stared at Dazai's hand for another long second before letting out go of it.
"...You're going to be the death of me."
Dazai gave him a knowing smile.
"I thought that's what you loved about me."
"I've never said shit, Dazai."
"No, but your actions says-"
"My actions says you're exhausting."
"They say you're getting married..to me!!"
Kunikida pinched the bridge of his nose.
"...Just stay here."
He disappeared down the hallway before Dazai could stop him.
Dazai looked around without knowing what to do now alone.
Everything about Kunikida's home was...neat. Every book sat perfectly aligned on the shelves. Even the pair of slippers near the entrance were placed side by side with military precision.
It was Weird...But comforting for some strange reason
It smelled like fresh laundry, black coffee, and old books.
A few moments later, Kunikida returned wearing a dark overcoat, now fully awake despite the late hour. He grabbed his wallet from the table, checked if his notebook was still in his pocket, then reached for his car keys hanging beside the door.
He stopped.
"...Dazai."
"Hm?"
"If you're drunk enough to do shit like this.."
"It's not something bad, were getting married!"
"...Then you're definitely too drunk to walk in a straight line."
"I can walk perfectly."
As if to prove his point, Dazai stood,his first step getting immediately wobbled, then he caught himself against the wall.
"...Gravity attacked me."
Kunikida stared at him.
"...Gravity,huh?"
"It has something against me,it's so mean,kunikidaaa."
"...Get your shoes on."
Dazai ,surprisingly, obeyed, slipping on his shoes while humming to himself.
Kunikida watched him for a second.
He was expecting more.. resistance.
"...You're being suspiciously cooperative."
"I'm in an excellent mood."
"I guess."
Once they were both ready, Kunikida switched off the apartment lights and locked the front door behind them.
The outside was quiet.
Only the distant sound of rain filled the building.
They walked downstairs together.
Dazai shoved both hands into the pockets of Kunikida's oversized coat, lazily following half a step behind him.
"You know..."
"...What."
"I like your coat."
"...Good for you."
"It smells like you."
"...Don't say weird things."
By the time they reached the parking lot, the rain had eased into a light drizzle.
Rows of cars sat beneath streetlights, waiting for someone to use 'em
Kunikida unlocked his sedan with a click.
Before he could even reach the driver's side,Dazai casually walked past him.
"...What are you doing?"
Dazai held out a hand.
"Give me the keys."
"No."
"...You're not even going to think about it?"
"No."
"I drive wonderfully."
"You crashed the Agency van."
"Once."
"You drove it into the river."
"It was an accident, not going to happen twice..."
"You forgot to put it in park."
"...Details.╥﹏╥"
Kunikida slipped the keys into his coat pocket.
"You are absolutely not driving."
Dazai puffed out his cheeks.
"You're so mean."
"You're drunk."
"No, I'm not."
"You can barely stand."
"I've stood this entire conversation."
Kunikida opened the passenger door.
"Get in."
Instead, Dazai reached toward Kunikida's pocket with the speed of a pickpocket.
His fingers barely brushed the fabric before Kunikida caught his wrist.
"...Nice try."
Dazai looked almost offended.
"You think so low of me! I wasn't stealing."
"..You were literally reaching for my keys."
"I was checking whether your pocket was comfortable."
"Wha-?"
"You spend so much time with your hands in them."
"...Get in the car."
"No."
Kunikida sighed.
"Dazai."
"No."
"You are an Adult."
"I know."
"Act like one."
"I am doing it."
"No, you're not."
"I am being a perfectly reasonable future husb-."
Before Dazai could finish, Kunikida grab him by the back of his borrowed coat and put him toward the passenger seat.
"I can walk!"
"Doesn't look like it."
"You're treating me like a cat."
"You're behaving like one."
"I don't even meow."
"Enter."
Dazai allowed himself to be pushed into the passenger seat with exaggerated reluctance.
"So forceful..."
"Sit."
"But I am sitting!"
"Good."
Kunikida closed the door with a firm thunk.
Walking around to the driver's side, he couldn't help noticing the faint smile still lingering on Dazai's face through the rain-speckled window.
He quickly looked away, unlocked his own door, and climbed into the driver's seat.
"...Seatbelt."
Dazai looked at him innocently.
"I forgot."
"...Of course you did."
With another weary sigh, Kunikida leaned over and reached for the belt.
His hand brushed against Dazai's shoulder as he pulled the strap across his chest and clicked it into place.
For a brief moment, neither of them spoke.
"...There."
Dazai blinked.
"...Thanks."
Kunikida froze for half a second before clearing his throat and starting the engine.
"...Don't make a big deal out of it."
"I wasn't going to."
"..."
Heat crept up Kunikida's neck before settling across his cheeks.
"...You're blushing, Kunikida-kun."
"I am absolutely not."
"You definitely are."
"I'm driving."
"So?"
"So stop looking at me."
Dazai chuckled quietly, turning back toward the window.
Kunikida shifted the car into reverse and slowly backed out of the parking space.
They kept silent.
The streets were nearly empty at this hour. A few convenience stores still glowed under lights, and the occasional taxi rolled past in the opposite lane.
Normally, Dazai would have been talking nonstop by now,he would've complained about working tomorrow,or asked to stop for crab,maybe even suggested five different double suicides.
Trying to distract Kunikida every thirty seconds.
Instead...
He simply rested his head against the window.
Watching the city pass by.
Kunikida frowned, it was weirdly strange for him.
"...You're awfully quiet."
"Hm?"
"You haven't said anything for almost five minutes."
"...Have I?"
"Yes."
"...Maybe I'm just tired."
"...Maybe."
The answer sounded too simple.
Kunikida stole another glance at him before returning his eyes to the road.
Dazai looked small,curled into the passenger seat ,his damp hair had begun to dry, strands falling over his eyes.
His expression was impossible to read.
Kunikida looked away again.
"...You're going to get a stiff neck if you keep sitting like that."
"I don't mind."
"But I do. If you wake up complaining tomorrow, I'll be the one who has to listen to it."
"...Ah."
A tiny smile appeared on Dazai's lips.
"...You're worrying again."
"I'm preventing a of having a headache tomorrow."
"Hm..."
The heater continued to fill the car with warm air.
Without thinking, Kunikida reached over and adjusted one of the vents.
It had been blowing toward him.
Now it pointed toward Dazai.
"..."
Dazai noticed but didn't say anything, instead, he leaned back into his seat a little more.
The warmth felt nice.
Another few minutes passed..
Kunikida hated how aware he was of the man sitting beside him.
Every time he stopped at a red light, his eyes drifted toward Dazai before he could stop himself.
Still looking outside..quiet.. And awake.
"...Dazai."
"Hm?"
"...Are you going to remember this tomorrow?"
There was a pause.
"...Probably."
"You said you were drunk."
"I am."
"...Then?"
"I'm drunk...Not unconscious."
Kunikida frowned.
"So you know what you're doing?"
"...Yeah."
"And you still want this."
Dazai didn't answer immediately.
He watched the lights of the city slide across the window.
"...Would you believe me if I said yes?"
Kunikida's fingers tightened around the steering wheel.
"..I don't know."
"...That's fair."
Silence settled over the car once more.
Kunikida couldn't tell whether that answer relieved him or made everything worse.
A few intersections later, Dazai suddenly spoke again.
"...Kunikida."
"What."
"...Thank you."
Kunikida blinked, with confusion.
"For...?"
"For not leaving me at your apartment."
The words were so quiet they almost disappeared beneath the sound of the tires on wet pavement.
Kunikida's grip tightened.
"...Idiot."
"...Hm?"
"I wasn't going to throw you out."
"...I know."
"..."
"...I just needed to hear it."
Kunikida swallowed.
He didn't know how to respond to that.
So instead He simply kept driving.
And for the first time since he'd met Dazai Osamu the silence between them felt heavier than any argument they'd ever had.
Kunikida slowed the car to a stop.
The engine idled for a moment before he turned the key, plunging the car into silence.
Neither of them moved.
Outside, the municipal office stood beneath pale streetlights, its concrete walls looking even duller at this hour. A handful of lights still burned inside, the late-night counter thankfully still open.
Kunikida stared through the windshield.
"So... Were here."
"Hm,yeah."
Dazai unbuckled his seatbelt first.
The click echoed far louder than it should have.
Kunikida reached for the door handle, but came to an stop when he heard Dazai.
"Kunikida."
"...What."
"You've been holding your breath."
"...I have not."
"You have."
Kunikida exhaled through his nose.
"...Get out of the car."
The night air felt colder than before.
Dazai stretched lazily, hands above his head.
"I've never been married before."
"...Most people haven't."
"I wonder if they'll congratulate us."
"They won't."
Oooh, I wonder if they'll give us a present!"
"They definitely won't."
"What a disappointing establishment."
Kunikida slammed the car door a little harder than necessary.
"They're government employees, Dazai."
"So?"
"So they process paperwork."
"They could process gifts."
"They do something you dont,work."
"Ew."
Kunikida started walking,while Dazai followed half a step behind, his shoes splashing through shallow puddles.
"...You're walking awfully fast."
"I'm trying to get this over with."
"Is that nervousness I hear?"
"No."
"It sounds like nervousness."
"It sounds like you're talking too much."
The automatic doors slid open, warm air rushing over them.
The lobby was almost empty, a security guard glanced up from his desk, gave the pair a bored nod, then returned to his phone.
Everything smelled faintly of disinfectant and paper.
Dazai looked around with open curiosity.
"So this is where people legally ruin their lives."
Kunikida shot him a look.
"...You were the one insisting on this."
"I know."
"You emotionally manipulated me."
"I know."
"..."
"..."
"...Stop agreeing."
Dazai smiled.
"I like when you rant."
Kunikida approached the information counter and the elderly clerk looked up over her glasses.
"Good evening. How may I help you?"
Kunikida cleared his throat.
His voice almost cracked.
"...We..."
He hesitated.
Beside him, Dazai answered without missing a beat.
"We're here to register our marriage."
The clerk smiled politely.
"Of course,just a moment. "
She reached beneath the counter and placed a packet of documents in front of them.
"There you are,sweeties."
She pointed at each page with practiced efficiency.
"This is the marriage registration form."
She flipped to nother page.
"This is the instructions."
Flipped Another.
"The information regarding name registration,if one of you are taking the partner surname."
And another.
"And lastly, the witness section."
Kunikida stopped breathing for a moment.
"The... What? "
"The witness section. You need 2 witness that are above 18 years, to confirm the marriage."
"Oh.. "
Kunikida slowly turned to Dazai.
"Did you... Knew any of this?"
Dazai frowned, leaning closer to the paper.
"...Huh? "
Another pause.
"We..need witnesses?"
Kunikida stared.
"...You didn't know?."
"I thought..." Dazai scratched his cheek. "...I thought we just signed the paper."
"..."
"..."
"You never once thought to check how marriage registration actually works?"
Dazai smiled sheepishly.
"...Not really."
Kunikida closed his eyes.
"...Of course you didn't."
The woman behind the counter politely pretended she couldn't hear a word of their conversation.
"If you'd like," she said, "you can fill out the portions that don't require the witnesses while you decide."
"...Thank you," Kunikida replied automatically.
She gestured toward a row of nearby tables.
"You may use those."
Kunikida picked up the paperwork with mechanical movements before walking away from the counter.
The moment they were out of earshot, Kunikida stopped walking.
He rubbed both hands over his face.
"...This is a disaster."
"I wasn't expecting witnesses either," Dazai admitted.
"Yeah,i noticed."
"We can't ask strangers, can we?"
"No,no we cant."
"The Agency?"
"No,they would kill us, specially Yosano."
"Right..."
Then, as if a light bulb had switched on inside his head, he snapped his fingers.
"...I know someone."
Kunikida looked up.
"...Who?"
"Ango."
"...Who?"
"Ango."
"...Who's Ango?"
"The government guy."
Kunikida frowned.
"...The government guy?"
"The one with glasses."
"Dazai, thats like.. At least half of the government, be specific."
"The one who's always tired."
"...That somehow narrows it down even less."
"The one from the Special Division."
Kunikida blinked.
"...How do you know someone from the Special Division?"
For the briefest moment, Dazai's smile faltered.
"Its a...Long story."
Kunikida narrowed his eyes.
"...should I be concerned about?"
"...no."
"..."
"..."
Kunikida sighed.
"...If you say so."
Dazai's smile returned, softer this time.
"...Can I call him?"
Kunikida looked down at the blank witness lines again.
Then back at Dazai.
Another sigh escaped him.
"...Go ahead."
Dazai was already pulling out his phone and dialing angos number.
He tapped the call button and lifted the phone to his ear.
One ring.
Two.
Three.
Click.
"...Dazai."
The voice on the other end sounded exhausted.
"...Angooo."
"...It's two in the morning."
"I know."
"...What happened?"
"What makes you think something happened?"
"You only call me after midnight when something has happened."
"...That's unfair."
"Dazai."
"..."
"...Fine."
Ango sighed.
"Who died?"
"No one."
"...Who is trying to kill you?"
"No one,Ango, just liste-"
"...Who are you trying to kill?"
"I'm offended."
"You avoided the question."
"I did."
Kunikida blinked.
"..."
Who exactly was this man?
Ango let out another tired sigh through the speaker.
"...Ok, Just tell me."
"I need a tiny little favor."
"...No."
"You don't even know what it is."
"I don't need to."
"It's very small."
"No."
"You'll be helping a dear acquittance."
"No."
"You'll barely have to do anything."
"No."
Kunikida watched the exchange in complete disbelief.
"...Does he always say no to You?"
Dazai covered the microphone with one hand.
"...Every time."
"...Then why do you keep asking him?"
"Because he always says yes eventually!"
He uncovered the phone again.
"So..."
"No."
"You haven't heard what i want."
"I don't want to."
"It'll take less than five minutes."
"...That's what you said before I spent six hours filling out reports because you dipped"
"...That was one time."
"It was multiple times."
"..."
"...ok, Sorry."
Ango pinched the bridge of his nose so hard the others in line would hear it.
"...What is it, then."
"...I'm getting married."
Silence.
Absolute silence.
Dazai frowned.
"...Ango?"
Nothing.
"...Did you hang up?"
Finally ango answeared.
"...You're what?"
"I'm getting married."
"..."
"..."
"...I think I misheard you."
"I'm getting married."
"...No, I heard that part."
Another long pause.
"Who are you forcing? "
"Ah, ango, how you wound me!"
Ango inspired slowly.
Ango inhaled deeply.
"...Who."
Dazai smiled.
"Kunikida."
There was another pause.
Much longer this time.
"...Kunikida Doppo?"
"Mhm."
"...The Kunikida who works with you at The Ada?"
"Mhm."
"...The notebook."
"Mhm."
"...The idealistic."
"Mhm."
Ango sighed.
"...I suppose that makes more sense than anyone else."
Kunikida's eyebrow twitched.
"...What is that supposed to mean?"
Dazai laughed.
"He can hear you."
"...Wonderful."
Ango sounded even more tired now.
"...Hello, Kunikida."
"...Hello..."
"...I have several questions."
"So do I.. "
Dazai happily ignored both of them.
"So?!"
"No."
"I haven't even asked yet."
"I know exactly what you're going to ask."
"...You don't."
"...You need money."
"No!"
"...Then what?"
"I need a witness."
Silence.
"..."
"...For what."
"My marriage."
"..."
"..."
"..."
Ango let out the most defeated sigh either of them had ever heard.
"...I'm going to regret saying yes..."
"You are."
(THIS IS A WIP, I'M SO EVIL HAHA)