Archive of Our Own

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Start of December 2014 - Boston Bears locker room- post-practice

Ilya and Marly are the only ones in the locker room. They decided to stay late and practice. Ilya is thinking about Shayne's games last night; she looked so beautiful and strong. Ilya picks up his phone and finds the video he wants.

Announcer - (Shayne Rozanova is on a roll; she has scored 2 hat tricks, and with their 5-2 win tonight, cementing their 5-win run, the Montreal Victoire seem to be at the top of their game.)

“Hey Roz, who you texting?” asks Marly, looking over Ilya's shoulder.

“Wife,” Ilya says seriously.

“Wait, you're joking, right?… Right?” questions Marly, taking off his gear.

“No, why would I joke?”

“Holy shit dude, you’re married? And you didn’t invite me? But I thought I was your best friend!” complains Marly, looking at Ilya with a saddened expression. “So who tied down the great Ilya Rozanov?”

“You’ll never know.”

“Uhhh, is it the chick? The Russian one… Svetlana!” Marley guesses.

“No, she is like a sister, and she has a girlfriend,” Ilya retorts.

“So who else could it be? How long have you been with her?”

“3 years, but we got married last July; she's the love of my life,” as he pulls his jersey over his head.

“So together for three years…” Marly ponders.

“But we were lovers before that, more like 5 years,” Ilya continues, untying his skates.

“Wait, is it that girl in Montreal? What was her name? Marly has an epiphany: “ Jane! Her name was Jane.”

“No…” as ilya takes his compression shirt off, but looks everywhere but at Marly.

“Haha, I’m right, aren't I?” Marly cackles, taking his shoulder pads off.

“Fine, you are right, but her real name is not Jane”

“Ok, why'd you hide it?”

“She is also a public figure and is scared of the media.” Ilya grabs his phone and pulls up the video he sent to Shayne. “Want to see her?” Ilya shows Marly the video of Shayne getting a hat trick.

“Holy shit! Your wife is Shayne Rovanova. He accidentally throws his helmet on the ground in surprise. Wait, that actually makes sense. You’ve been watching the women's league all the time, and her name does match yours. How has no one caught on exactly?” Marly asks, struggling to take off his compression shirt.

“I don't know, people are stupid, but she is best hockey player, even better than me and is very beautiful; she has beautiful freckles and the most beautiful body.”

“Wow, you're really gone for her, Roz.”

“Da, I know Pike always tells me.”

“Wait, Pike, like Hayden Pike, the captain of the metros, that Hayden Pike”

“Da, he is a horrible hockey player but a good friend of Shayne; they met at a bar a couple of years ago”

“Did he get to go to the wedding?”

“Yes, Pike, his wife Jackie, Svetlana, and her girlfriend were all invited, with Shayne's parents.”

“So everyone but me,” Marly says, disappointed.

“Yes, but we will have a public wedding with everyone when I get Canadian citizenship or when I move to Canada for a new team.”

“Wait, you're leaving the Bears; you’re not going to re-sign”

“In a few years, after we win a few more cups, don’t worry too much, Marly, I will still be here with you”

Ilya and Marly both walk to the showers.

In the showers ilya is washing his hair while he's thinking about what he wants to eat for dinner. It reminds him of Shayne; she’s still on that stupid diet, but she feels better in her body, so he convinces her to eat McDonald's with him sometimes (even tho she scolds him when he eats it for breakfast). When he finally gets out of the shower and puts some clothes on, he checks the calendar.

“Hey Marly! We're going to Montreal in 2 weeks. Will you cover for me when I go to see Shayne?”

“Ya sure, soooo is it a secret we're keeping from the team?”

“Yes, please don’t tell the rest of the team; I will tell when we’re ready.”

“Kay, Roz,” as they pack their bags to leave.

Once they make it out of the arena, Ilya walks to his car. Ilya’s car today is a 2014 McLaren 650S that he got painted bright orange. The car was a gift from Svetlana when he got married; it was his favourite one, but when the first real snowfall comes, he’ll have to switch to his Audi RS7 (2014); otherwise, Shayne will have a fit from him being ‘unsafe’ or ‘impractical’ in the winter.

“Bye Roz,” Marly screams from across the arena.

“Goodbye, Marly,” he says, getting in his half-million-dollar car ready to drive away.

July 24, 2011- Moscow, Ilya's apartment

Ilya is awoken suddenly by a ringing on his bed.

“Yes, hello, who is it?” sitting up in bed

Jane - “Hello? It’s Shane Hollander.”

“Hello, Hollander. Why are you calling me? It’s 3 a.m. in Moscow.”

Jane - “Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to call you. I meant to call Hayden.”

“What could Pike do that I couldn’t do better?” pulling the string on his bedside lamp, illuminating the room

Jane - “umm he usually helps me after panic attacks” Ilya thinks that he sounds shaky

“So what does Pike do to help? I could try”

Jane - “he kinda just talks to distract me so I can regulate my breathing and stuff.”

“Ok, I can do that. Do you want to hear about my day? Don’t answer; I will tell you.” Deciding that he needs a cup of coffee to continue this conversation walks to his kitchen. His fancy-ass Nespresso machine, which he uses to survive morning practices (obviously bought one for Moscow), beeps to life and starts making coffee.

“So yesterday in the morning I went to the gym. I did all the normal stuff like treadmill, presses and cycling. Afterwards, I went home and ate pelmeni. You know what those are?” Grabbing his favourite mug from the cabinet

Jane - “Meat dumplings?”

“Da, I think you would like them; they're very tasty, but I don’t know if they fit with your fancy diet. In the evening Svetlana picked me up, and we went to a club,” putting the cup into the machine, filling it with coffee.

Jane - “What kind of club?”

“There’s only one type of club: loud music, dancing, lots of drinking and girls. Everything that you avoid like the plague.”

Picking up the cup and taking a long sip.

Jane - “I just don’t like… everything. It’s too much.”

“Are you feeling better now?” placing his mug down and jumping up to sit on the counter

Jane - “Yes, I think if better is sitting on my kitchen floor in the dark, then I’m definitely better.”

“Ah, sarcasm must mean you feel better. Do you want me to go now?” He could hear Hollander's breathing stabilizing.

Jane - “Yes”

“Okay, night Hollander,” just as he went to hang up.

Jane - “Wait, no, don’t go yet,” sounding panicked or worried; Ilya couldn’t tell.

“Yes, Hollander, I will stay. How is Montreal?”

Shane - “It’s good. I’ve been training, hanging out with Hayden.”

“What do you do with Pike? asks Ilya, taking another big sip of coffee.

Jane - “Him and JJ mostly try to drag me to different bars, where I end up going home alone by the end of the night, much to their disappointment "

“So you have not been dating around”

Jane - “No, I’ve been busy this summer”

“With what? All I do in the summer is train and party,” swinging his legs.

Jane - “ My mother has scheduled me to do brand deals and public appearances all summer, along with training. I’m busy every second of the day.”

“A yes, your manager mother. What brand campaigns are you doing? ”

Jane - “Rolex, Reebok, some perfume company and some clothing companies. Actually, I was reading over the briefs at my kitchen counter when my panic attack started.”

“What made you have a panic attack?” as Ilya lay back on the counter

Jane - “ No clue, I mean I never like photo shoots unless im in hockey gear”

“Why ?”

Jane - I don't know, I just always feel uncomfortable and overexposed; I never really want to do them. I hate the shirtless ones; I never remember those. It’s kinda like I stop being present; I just follow the motions and go along with what people are saying.” Shane says offhandly, “and I always feel like my body isn't always right for me and I feel wrong everywhere, but I kinda assume that’s what everyone feels so I just deal.”

That's definitely not how Ilya feels. “Ok, Shane,” the conversation continues. By the time they end the call, it's 6 am and training is in an hour, and Ilya is sitting on the floor of his kitchen, surrounded by coffee mugs. Ilya is thinking about what Shane said; some of it was really concerning. The stuff that he put up with from his team- how he always pushes through his problems because he thinks it's normal to feel really uncomfortable. It frustrates Ilya, but he sets his thoughts aside for later; he has to get to the gym.

Ilya’s gym is a nice one; it’s close to his house and to a rink. It’s private and secure (Ilya’s father made sure of it); all of the equipment is high-quality, and Ilya’s private trainer meets him twice a week. Luckily, today was not one of those days because ilya was too much on his mind. Ilya's thoughts keep spinning in circles; before he knows it, he’s finished his routine and is ready to go home.

As ilya is driving home, he remembers a person Sveta mentioned a while ago. She was dating a guy (she didn't tell her father) who was a girl biologically (doesn't matter to Sveta; she's bi); the details were kinda fuzzy, but he remembers that she mentioned that he gets really uncomfortable and has gotten surgery or something to fix it.

When he got home (after food and a nap), he opened Google and looked up ‘feels wrong in skin/ body’ and got a bunch of search results where ilya fell down the rabbit hole, and eventually found the word gender dysphoria.

Gender dysphoria - The psychological distress caused by a mismatch between a person's gender identity (their internal sense of self) and their sex assigned at birth

“This sounds kinda like what Hollander was explaining to me.” Ilya looks up at the clock. It’s 4 pm; Ilya has been doing research for 4 hours. He wasted all day thinking about Hollander, and he couldn't figure out why. That's when Sveta texted him.

At 7, Svetlana walks into the living room, analyzing him. He’s lying on the couch and taking up the entire thing, but his focus is still on his phone. She continues walking around him until he looks up from his phone.

“Привет, я не заметил, что ты здесь. Как ты вошёл? Я не слышал, чтобы ты стучал”Hello, I didn't notice you were here. How did you get in? I didn't hear you knock questions Ilya

“В прошлый раз, когда я был здесь, я украл ключ, и, может быть, ты бы меня заметил, если бы отвёл взгляд от телефона” I stole a key last time I was here, and maybe you would notice me if you looked up from your phone as she pushes his legs off the couch to sit down.

”Ну, как у тебя дела? Ты всегда хочешь куда-нибудь пойти” So what’s up with you? You always want to go out.

“Не знаю, но я чувствую разочарование и не могу понять, почему” I don’t know, but I feel frustrated, and I can't figure out why throwing his phone down onto the carpet. Sitting up, he looks at Sveta; she’s looking at him with a knowing look.

“Возможно, из-за Джейн” Maybe because of Jane?

““Ты знаешь о Джейн?!” You know about Jane?! he yells out surprised .

“Думаешь, ты умеешь хранить секреты? Каждый раз, когда мы выходим, ты игнорируешь всех девушек, которые к тебе подходят, и пишешь Джейн.”You think you are good at keeping secrets? Every time we go out, you ignore all the girls that come up to you to text Jane.

”Не каждая девушка” Not every girl,picking his phone up off the floor and putting it on the coffee table.

“Нет, но ты просто танцуешь с ними; домой их уже никогда не забираешь.Так скажи мне, в чем на самом деле дело”No, but you just dance with them; you never take them home anymore. So tell me what’s really wrong Putting her hands in his.

“Да, ладно, у неё вчера вечером случился очередной приступ паники, и она случайно позвонила мне, и я с тех пор не могу перестать о ней думать”Yes, ok, she had another panic attack last night and called me by accident, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about herholding Svetlana’s hands tight in worry.

“Значит, ты переживаешь из-за человека, которого едва знаешь; ты уверен, что это не так?”So you’ve been worrying over someone that you barely know; are you sure that you're not?Ilya interrupts.

“Нет, Света, я не влюблён, как ты бы сказала, и даже если бы и был, я её не заслуживаю. Так что давай, пожалуйста, просто посмотрим что-нибудь”No, I'm not what you would say in love, Sveta, and even if I was, I do not deserve her. So can we please talk about something else?Svetlana nods but stands and pulls Ilya up into a hug.

Всё будет хорошо” Everything will be alright,she whispers as tears form in the corner of his eyes, him refusing to let them out.