Chapter Text
I was back with Atsushi when Old man Zawa had a meeting and couldn’t let me stay. But, he said I could keep the hairclip.
We were talking about lots of things. Nothing really specific, just random things.
Atsushi asked me why I didn’t like Dazai. He said it so casually, like he was just asking about the weather. He was tilting his head with a soft smile.
Last time I told him ‘I could smell the lies on him’. I can’t actually, he just…reminds me of someone I’d rather forget .
But I wasn’t lying, I could see he lied. His way of acting was…so fake.
The adults from my old town also always did that too. They would always act all nice when the office workers would come, but then do a 180 when they were gone.
I couldn’t trust him.
I didn’t know what to answer so I just said. “I can’t trust him.”
He didn’t push, I was glad he didn’t. But I saw an emotion I couldn’t understand flikker in his eyes.
I looked back down. I still wanted to tell him. But how?
Atsushi looked up to that man, and I was just a kid that came into his life out of nowhere. I clenched my fists.Maybe he protected me last time, but he wouldn’t always.
If he found out what I did, he wouldn’t stay. He would go away like everyone else. I curled up even more into myself.
I wasn’t meant to be loved, to be with people. The universe knew that. I knew that. But I still got attached and I couldn’t do anything about it.
Atsushi sighed deeply. “Dazai-san is like a puzzle I can’t seem to figure out, and I don’t think I ever will.”
He shuffled closer to me. “I don’t want you to like him, I just want to understand you better.” He smiled softly at me. “You can’t like everyone, can you.”
I hid my face in the folds of my knees. “...I-I just want…” I mumbled, my voice cracked at every word. “I don’t-I don’t want to be alone…again.” I already felt the tears behind my eyes.
Atsushi held me close to him. “You don’t have to anymore. I’m-we’re here now, and we won’t leave.” He mumbled against my hair, trying to comfort me.
But how could he know? I wanted to believe him. Really! But how could I, he didn’t know what I did. He didn’t know why everyone left that day. He didn’t know why nobody wanted me again.
I felt hot tears finally roll down my cheeks. I couldn’t stop them. I held on tight, I really didn’t want him to leave.
Atsushi didn’t move, he only held me closer.
I slowly drifted away as Atsushi gently combed his hand through my hair. He is here now, that’s all that mattered.
_ _
Atsushi POV
I held him tightly as he slowly fell asleep. His little hands still clenched at my jacket. He looked so fragile, like one wrong movement could break him.
I knew he had a bad living situation, but it didn’t let my heart break less. He really thought we would just leave him.
He isn’t just a kid with an ability that we need to help, he is Sakura Haruka, our family. He wringed his way into our hearts like it was nothing.
He isn’t just some kid anymore. I would do anything to see his smile everyday. And seeing him break down like that, breaks my heart.
It reminds me of the time when being taken care of felt like such a faraway dream. I felt unlovable,like everything was my fault. At that time, Dazai helped me.
I could never not be grateful for that, even though he always brushes it off. And it’s not only Dazai, it’s the whole agency. They all took me in with open arms, even when it was hard.
This time, it was my time to help him . “I will never leave, little cub.”
_ _
The door flew open. “Atsushi-!” Kunikida walked in but stopped when he saw the little bundle in my arms. “We need you, Atsushi.” Kunikida said, this time way softer.
I gently laid Haruka on the couch with a blanket, before walking away. I looked at Kunikida. “Could you ask someone to look after Haruka when he wakes up?”
He kept walking rapidly. “I’m sure I could ask someone to look after him.” He answered while adjusting his glasses.
We entered the main office and my eyes directly landed on Dazai who was laying lazily on the couch.
“Ah, Atsushi!” He gave me a goofy smile. “Where were you? It was soo boring without you here~!”
I saw Kunikida’s fist clench around his notebook. “No, Atsushi will come with me. You stay here and take care of Haruka.”
He froze. “Wait…what?”
I took a deep breath. “Since everyone’s busy, you’re going to watch him.” I crossed my arms. “I need to go with Kunikida.”
He wiped a fake tear away. “Does our dear Atsushi finally trust me with our little baby kitten?”
I rolled my eyes, but I couldn’t slow my racing heart down. “This is serious, Dazai-san.” I glanced at the door where Haruka was sleeping. “Don’t scare him even more than he already is.”
He leaned backward on his arms. “Don’t worry Atsushi, Nothing will happen.”
When Kunikida heard that, he quickly pushed me to the door. “Let’s go then, before we’re too late.”
Before getting out I gave a last quick glance at Dazai. “Dazai-san, please.” I asked, before quickly following Kunikida.
_ _
Dazai POV
I sat up on the couch, the main office now empty except for me. “Ugh.” Better go to Haruka.
When I walked into the room, I expected many things. What I didn’t expect was to see Haruka, all bundled up calmly sleeping on the couch.
He looked so peaceful. He was still a child after all. He stirred a little at the sound of the door, but didn’t wake up.
There were dry tear stains on his face. Is that why Atsushi had those stains on his shirt? I quietly pulled a chair closer to the couch. I calmly sat on the chair while keeping my eyes on him.
Let’s see who you really are, Haruka.
_ _
Haruka’s eyes opened slightly, when he didn’t feel Atsushi’s presence his eyes completely shot open. He sat up and looked around.
He felt my gaze on him and turned around, frightened by my presence he quickly shuffled to the other side of the couch.
“Hi there, kitty.”
His mismatched eyes widened in fear. “W-where is Atsushi?” He asked silently, his voice still hoarse from crying.
I tried not to sound too threatening. “He’s gone on a mission with Kunikida.”
He looked at me warily. “How can I trust you?” He clenched his little fist around the blanket.
I leaned on the chair. “You don’t really have other people to ask.” I glanced at him. “And why would I lie about something like that?”
He opened his mouth to talk before closing it again.
He knew I was right.
Haruka curled even more into himself.
Well, that didn’t work. That’s right…he’s not some adult, he’s a traumatized child.
I looked away at the wall, trying to make him less uncomfortable.
_ _
Haruka POV
I could feel his gaze finally leaving me.
My heart was still pounding in my chest, but I felt like I could finally breathe again. I looked back up at him, he felt a little less intimidating than before. I went over the patterns of the hairclip to calm myself down.
“...Why are you here then?” I didn’t look at him while asking.
He seemed surprised at my question. “Huh.”
I glanced up to him. “You said he was gone. But why are you here? …You know I don’t like you.”
He contemplated a bit before answering. “Because Atsushi asked me, he didn’t want you to stay alone.”
It didn’t seem like he was lying, but why would Atsushi ask him to stay with me? It’s not like I need someone to stay with me. I can take care of myself! Does he trust him that much? I was alone my whole life, why would I need someone now?
I scowled. “...I don’t need a babysitter.” I muttered. This was so stupid, I was eight years old, not five. “I’m not a baby.”
Dazai just shrugged. “I’m not here because he thinks you’re a baby. I’m here because Atsushi cares about you and doesn’t want you to stay alone.”
Because…he cares about me? I bit the inside of my cheek. Why would he, I’m just a burden. I wanted to say something, anything, deny everything, screaming that he was lying. But was he? I clenched my fists.
I looked at the hairclip Old man Zawa gave me. Is that what that feeling was, that warm feeling in my chest. Is that how it feels to care for someone? I never had time to, I always changed places, people. I was a freak nobody wanted to keep.
“...I don’t understand.” I kept staring at the hairclip. “People always leave…they never stay.”
Dazai kept staring at the wall. “The world isn’t something you try to understand, I stopped trying a long time ago. You just try to go with the flow and survive.” He let out a heavy sigh. “People choose if they stay or leave, leaving isn’t an instinct, it’s a choice.”
A choice.
Does that mean they chose to go away? They wanted to go away. They didn’t want to stay.
I clenched my fists again. It wasn’t because of me, they just chose to go away. They chose I wasn’t worth their time.
I looked up at Dazai, really looked at him. He didn’t look like a terrifying puzzle anymore, just someone that saw people make too many bad decisions.
“...What about you?” I asked, my voice cracking slightly.
I inhaled deeply. “What did you choose?” I started playing with my fingers. “...What do you choose?”
He didn’t answer at first, searching right words for a child. “I made plenty of bad life decisions.” His voice was really quiet. “I regret them, I won’t lie. But, that’s why I try to be better now.” He looked me in the eyes with a determined gaze. “I’m never going to be forgiven, nor do I want to.”
He looked at me, but his gaze looked far away in the past. “But someone once told me to be on the side that saves people.” He smiled gently. “So now, I choose to stay here.” His gaze came back on me. “And since Atsushi chose for you to stay here, I choose to give you a place you can call home.”
I stopped fidgeting and stared at him. He wasn’t giving me a lie or a fairy tale, just the truth. He didn’t try to make it sound softer or try to act like everything’s perfect.
I swallowed hard. He didn't try to lie to me.
I didn’t know what was going to happen in the future, and I could try to find out. But, I was sure of one thing now, I wasn’t alone.