Chapter Text
The first night was the hardest.
Caitlyn woke out of habit just before dawn and, for a few seconds, smiled when she felt the right side of the bed was empty. Still half-asleep, her mind assumed Vi had gotten up early to make breakfast, like she had on so many mornings since she came back.
The smile disappeared almost immediately.
She slowly turned her head toward the bedroom door, which was slightly ajar, and remembered the pillow tucked under Vi’s arm, the sound of the door closing, and above all, the silence that had been left between them.
She got up slowly and stepped into the hallway. The house was still completely silent. There was no noise coming from the kitchen, and the television wasn’t on either.
When she reached the bottom of the stairs, she found Vi asleep on the living room couch. She was barely covered by a thin blanket, probably one she had taken from the closet during the night. She was curled up, one arm resting over her face while the other hung loosely over the side of the couch.
Caitlyn stood still for a few moments. Before Vi came home, she had imagined countless different scenarios, but none of them had looked anything like this. She had always thought the two of them would be incapable of being apart, but now, seeing Vi choose to simply distance herself, it hurt. She carefully approached and took another blanket from the back of the couch, slowly draping it over Vi’s shoulders. Vi barely moved, only mumbling something unintelligible in her sleep before becoming completely still again.
Caitlyn felt a knot tighten in her chest. She wanted to run her fingers through Vi’s hair, wake her up, and tell her to come back upstairs, but she understood perfectly well that if she pushed, Vi would only feel like she was making things worse.
So she simply stood there for a few seconds, watching her.
“Morning…” Vi suddenly murmured, still with her eyes closed.
Caitlyn startled slightly.
“Sorry… Did I wake you?”
Vi slowly opened her eyes and, upon seeing Caitlyn standing beside the couch, gave her a tired smile.
“No… I think I was already waking up.”
She slowly sat up, instinctively bringing a hand to the left side of her abdomen. The gesture was so brief that anyone else might have missed it, but Caitlyn didn’t. She was observant by nature, and even more so when it came to her wife.
“I’ll make breakfast,” Vi said as she calmly folded the blanket, as though there were nothing unusual about the scene.
“We can make it together.”
Vi shook her head with a smile.
“Let me do it. At least that’s something I can still do well.”
Caitlyn wanted to answer. She wanted to tell her that she didn’t have to prove anything, but the words became trapped in her throat again.
During breakfast, they barely spoke. Vi asked how the coffee was, and Caitlyn told her it was perfect. Caitlyn commented that the bread was a little too toasted, and Vi joked that she was still a better cook than her.
They both smiled at each other, but those smiles lasted only a few seconds before disappearing again.
When they finished eating, Caitlyn began gathering her bag to leave for the agency.
Vi watched her from the kitchen while washing the dishes.
“What time are you getting out today?”
“If everything goes well, around six, like every day.”
Vi nodded without taking her eyes off the water running into the sink.
“I can come pick you up.”
Caitlyn looked at her. For a moment, she almost said yes. It would have been nice to come home together again, like they used to, but something inside her told her that Vi wasn’t offering because she actually wanted to. She was doing it because she felt like she had to.
“It’s not necessary,” she replied gently. “Besides, I don’t want you worrying about my schedule. Get some rest today.”
Vi remained silent for a few seconds before turning off the faucet and slowly turning around.
“Are you sure? I wouldn’t mind going and—”
“I’m sure. But… thank you anyway.”
Caitlyn walked toward the front door. She already had one hand on the doorknob when she glanced over her shoulder. Vi was still standing in the kitchen. The two of them were far too far apart.
“Have a good day, Violet.”
Vi managed a small smile.
“You too, Cupcake.”
Caitlyn left the house, and the door closed with a barely audible click. Vi remained motionless for several seconds, staring at the place where her wife had just disappeared. The house fell silent once again.
And for the first time since she had come home, that silence no longer felt like peace.
It felt like distance.
And for Caitlyn, it was no different.
The detective agency had always been a busy place. Phones rang nonstop, folders constantly moved from one desk to another, and people went in and out of the offices with documents tucked under their arms. And in the middle of all that perfectly organized chaos, Caitlyn usually found peace.
That day was different. She had spent almost ten minutes staring at the same report. She had read the same paragraph four times and still couldn’t remember a single word. She sighed wearily and set the document down on her desk. Without realizing it, she ended up staring out the window, lost in thought.
Again.
“Cait? Caitlyn? Kiramman?”
Caitlyn blinked.
Jayce was standing in front of her desk, holding a folder in his hands.
“Hm?”
“I asked you the same question twice.”
She brought a hand to her face, massaging the bridge of her nose.
“Sorry… I was distracted.”
Jayce smiled kindly.
“I noticed.”
He placed the folder on her desk.
“Mel wanted to know if you could look this over before the meeting.”
“Sure… I’ll take a look.”
Jayce remained there for a few seconds, watching her with some concern. Caitlyn might have been an expert at reading people, but Jayce was a true expert when it came to Caitlyn.
“Everything okay?”
Caitlyn smiled out of habit.
“Yeah. I just didn’t sleep very well.”
Jayce nodded slowly. He wasn’t convinced in the slightest, but he didn’t push. He knew that if Caitlyn didn’t want to talk, insisting wouldn’t accomplish anything.
“Well… we’ll be waiting for you.”
Once he left the office, Caitlyn was alone again. She looked at the folder, then at the clock, and then found herself staring out the window once more.
The meeting didn’t go much better.
Mel was going over the details of a case while Viktor reviewed some documents and Jayce made a couple of observations about the investigation. And Caitlyn… tried to follow the conversation. She really did. But the words came and went without ever settling in her mind.
“…Caitlyn?”
She didn’t answer.
“Caitlyn?”
Mel called her again, and this time Caitlyn slowly raised her head.
“Sorry… What were you saying?”
Jayce exchanged a quick glance with Mel and Viktor, who was sitting at the other end of the table. Viktor simply set his pen down on the folder.
“I was asking what you thought about the statement from the primary witness,” Mel repeated calmly.
Caitlyn looked down at the documents. She didn’t remember the statement. She hadn’t heard it. She knew it was in the folder Jayce had given her, but she hadn’t even had time to read it. She remained silent for a few seconds before finally admitting it.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what you’re talking about… Could you repeat that?”
The room fell completely silent. This wasn’t like her. Not at all.
Mel slowly closed the folder.
“I think that can wait.”
Caitlyn frowned slightly.
“No, I’m fine. We can keep going.”
“No.” Mel’s voice was gentle but firm. “You’re not fine.”
No one said anything. Jayce looked away awkwardly, while Viktor remained silent, though he gave an almost imperceptible nod. Mel rested her forearms on the table, and the three of them watched Caitlyn for several seconds that felt like an eternity to her.
“I’m not going to ask you what’s going on if you don’t want to tell us, but we’ve all noticed that you haven’t been yourself for days. You get here before everyone else, you leave after everyone else, and somehow you still look exhausted.”
Caitlyn felt a knot forming in her chest.
“It’s just… been a difficult few weeks.”
Mel smiled with the warmth she reserved for her friends.
“I figured. And that’s why I think this is the best decision for you, at least for now.”
She closed the folder again.
“I want you to take a few days off.”
Caitlyn’s eyes widened in surprise.
“What?”
“Rest. Work can wait for a little while.”
Jayce immediately backed her up.
“We can handle anything urgent.”
Caitlyn lowered her gaze. She had never liked feeling like a burden to anyone. She didn’t like people questioning her work. She was always on top of everything, always noticing things no one else did, always thinking and processing faster than anyone else. But for the first time in a long time… she didn’t have the energy to argue.
She already had enough problems at home, and she agreed that she couldn’t drag them into the agency as well, so she simply nodded slowly.
“Thank you…”
Mel stood from the table and placed a hand on her shoulder.
“Go home. There’s someone waiting for you there, and I think they need you much more than we do right now.”
Caitlyn closed her eyes for just a moment.
Yes. Of course there was someone waiting for her. She only hoped that when she got home, things wouldn’t become even more complicated.
The house had never seemed so big.
Vi had spent almost the entire morning trying to keep herself busy. She had washed the dishes, even though she had barely dirtied a couple of them. She had tidied the living room again, rearranging books that were already perfectly aligned. She had even gone outside for a while to clear some dead leaves from the plants Caitlyn cared for so dearly.
It didn’t last long.
She ended up leaning against the wooden fence, watching the flowers sway gently in the breeze. She didn’t know what to do. She had all the time in the world and no idea how to fill it. She sighed and went back inside. Her eyes wandered across the living room almost on their own: the clock, the paintings, the couch where she had slept, the photograph from her wedding to Caitlyn. Everything was exactly where it was supposed to be. She was the only one who felt like she no longer quite belonged.
Vi sat down on the couch and tried reading one of the books she found on the living room table. She didn’t make it past the third page. She tried turning on the television, but switched it off a few minutes later. The silence returned immediately.
It was a different kind of silence from the one at the front.
Out on the battlefield, silence had always meant danger. Now, in her own home, that silence only forced her to think. And thinking was exactly what she had been trying to avoid for weeks.
When the clock finally struck five-thirty in the afternoon, she went to get her jacket and prepared to leave. Even though she had promised she wouldn’t go, she thought she could surprise Caitlyn. Maybe they could come home together, or stop somewhere to get something to eat, like they used to.
She smiled faintly at the thought, put on her jacket, and stepped outside into the front yard.
She was about to open the gate when she heard the unmistakable sound of an approaching engine. She frowned slightly. It couldn’t be. It was still early.
But there it was.
The car slowly appeared at the end of the street.
Vi stood perfectly still as she watched the vehicle pull up in front of the house. Caitlyn stepped out slowly, immediately trying to smile when she saw Vi waiting for her at the entrance.
A small smile, but a tired one. Far too tired for this early in the evening.
“Cupcake…?” Vi asked, taking a few steps toward her. “What happened? I thought you’d be out much later.”
Caitlyn gently closed the car door. It took her a few seconds to answer as she tried to find the right words.
“I was given a few days off.”
Vi frowned.
“Days off?”
Caitlyn nodded without much enthusiasm.
“Mel insisted. She says I need to get some rest.”
Vi remained completely still. It took a few seconds for those words to sink in.
“But… you never take time off.”
Caitlyn let out a very brief, humorless laugh and leaned back against the car, crossing her arms.
“That’s what I told them, but it didn’t work.”
The two of them fell silent.
Vi slowly began putting the pieces together: the sleepless nights, the conversations that never seemed to end, the distance, the worry.
The exhaustion she saw on Caitlyn’s face every morning had finally caught up with her at work, too. Vi felt an unpleasant pressure in her chest, far more intense than anything she had ever felt before, even while she was away.
Caitlyn took a step toward her, breaking the silence first.
“Don’t make that face. This isn’t your fault.”
Vi lowered her gaze. She wasn’t convinced that was true at all, but she couldn’t bring herself to say anything. She could only watch as her wife walked into the house, leaving the door open for Vi to follow whenever she was ready.
It took her several minutes to go inside.
When she finally closed the door, she found Caitlyn sitting on one of the couches in the living room, still wearing her jacket. She was motionless, her elbows resting on her knees and her hands clasped in front of her face. She looked exhausted.
Vi left her jacket on the coat rack by the entrance.
“Want me to make you something to eat?”
Caitlyn slowly raised her eyes. For a few seconds, she seemed to struggle with herself before finally shaking her head.
“No.”
Vi nodded slowly.
“Okay…”
She turned around, intending to go upstairs.
“Vi.”
Her voice stopped her immediately. There was no anger in it, only an exhaustion that somehow hurt even more.
Vi slowly turned around.
Caitlyn took a deep breath before speaking.
“Can we… talk for a minute?”
Vi remained standing.
“Sure.”
She slowly walked over to the coffee table and sat down across from her. For a moment, neither of them said anything. The clock in the living room marked each passing second with unbearable precision.
“I know this hasn’t been easy for you,” Caitlyn began softly. “And I also know you’ve been trying to protect me… even when you can barely handle everything yourself.”
Vi lowered her gaze.
“I’m fine.”
Caitlyn smiled sadly.
“Violet… you don’t have to keep telling me that, because we both know it isn’t true.”
Vi lightly clenched her hands.
“I just need a little more time.”
“It’s been weeks.”
“I know.”
“And every night you sleep less. Every morning you’re more exhausted. Every sound makes you jump. You barely talk to me anymore. You sleep on the couch…” Caitlyn felt her voice beginning to crack. “And every day, I feel like you’re a little farther away.”
Vi closed her eyes for a few seconds.
“I’m not doing it on purpose.”
“I know.”
“Then stop looking at me like you pity me because of it.”
The words hung between them. Caitlyn took a deep breath.
“I don’t pity you, Violet. I’m worried about you. And you have no idea how much it hurts to watch you go through all of this alone.”
Vi looked away, her fingers nervously playing with the edge of her sleeve.
“I don’t need you to fix me, Cait.”
Silence filled the room again. Caitlyn took several seconds to answer. When she finally did, her voice was barely a whisper.
“I’ve never wanted to fix you. I just want to help you carry something that is clearly too heavy.”
Vi slowly shook her head.
“You can’t.”
“Let me try.”
“I don’t want you to!”
The response came out much louder than she had expected. Both of them froze. Vi was breathing heavily and brought a hand to her face, while Caitlyn felt her eyes beginning to fill with tears.
Even so, she continued.
“Vi… there are people who dedicate their lives to helping those who have been through things like what you experienced. Not because they’re weak, but because no one should have to carry all of that completely alone…” Caitlyn stopped for a moment and sighed. She knew Vi wasn’t going to like what she was about to say. “Maybe a therapist…”
Vi let out a short laugh, interrupting her.
A hollow laugh.
“A therapist? Do you really think someone who’s never been there is going to understand what it’s like to watch people die every day? To go to sleep wondering if you’ll wake up? To hear explosions even when everything is silent?”
Her breathing quickened again.
“Do you think talking about it for an hour a week is going to erase four years?”
“No,” Caitlyn answered without looking away. “But maybe it can help you stop living through those four years every time you close your eyes.”
Vi fell silent again. For a few seconds, she seemed unsteady, as though part of her wanted to believe those words.
But fear won out.
She suddenly stood.
“No.”
Caitlyn stood as well.
“Vi…”
“I said no. I’m not doing it. I don’t need a therapist. I need to stop thinking. I need my head to stop remembering everything, and talking about it is only going to make me go back there over and over again.”
Caitlyn felt a tear finally escape.
“What about me?”
Vi looked up. The question completely shattered her.
“What…?”
“What about me, Violet? Because every night I hear you get up. Every morning I wake up looking for your side of the bed. Every day I’m afraid I’ll come home and find you even farther away than you were the day before.”
Her voice was trembling now, with no attempt to hide it.
“I can’t help you if you won’t let me be part of this.”
Vi felt a knot close around her throat. She wanted to approach her, hug her, tell her she was sorry, but her legs wouldn’t move.
She took one step back, then another.
“I’m sorry…”
It was the only thing she managed to say.
Then she turned around and went upstairs.
Caitlyn remained alone in the living room. She heard the bedroom door close.
For the first time since Vi had come home… it wasn’t the war that was driving them apart.
It was the wall Vi herself had begun building between them.
The following days passed in a silence that was far more painful than any argument.
They didn’t stop speaking to each other. They still said good morning, still asked whether the other had eaten, still wished each other good night, even though they continued sleeping separately.
But everything had been reduced to what was strictly necessary. The long conversations disappeared. So did the jokes. And their smiles became increasingly rare.
Caitlyn returned to the agency a couple of days later. Mel insisted that she only come back if she truly felt ready, but Caitlyn simply replied that staying home wasn’t helping much either.
She worked. She fulfilled her responsibilities. She even solved a couple of cases with the same brilliance as always. But no matter how hard she tried, things weren’t the same.
She didn’t laugh as much with Jayce anymore, even though he said stupid things all the time. Her little conversations with Mel during their breaks became much shorter. Sometimes they didn’t exchange a single word that wasn’t work-related. And Viktor, always so observant, noticed that every time her phone rang, Caitlyn would look up with a quiet hope… only to put it away again a few seconds later.
It was never Vi.
Things at home were exactly the same.
Vi cleaned, organized, cooked, spent a few minutes outside in the garden, read a few pages of a book, then put it back down.
The hours seemed to never move. More than once, she picked up her phone and thought about texting Caitlyn. Just to ask how her day was going. Just to tell her to be careful on her way home. Just to tell her something stupid. Or to say that she missed her terribly.
She always ended up locking the screen before sending anything.
What could she say?
That she was still the same? That the nightmares were still there? That she still felt that weight in her chest after their argument?
No. She didn’t want to worry Caitlyn any more. She was already ruining her wife’s life enough as it was.
One afternoon, while making coffee, she heard a knock at the door.
When she opened it, Powder was standing on the other side.
“Can I come in?”
Vi smiled genuinely for the first time in several days.
“Always.”
Powder stepped inside slowly and looked around the house. Everything was spotless. Unlike the many times she had visited before, when there would be papers and folders scattered across the tables, there was now no trace of the person who usually left those things lying around.
“Where’s Cait?”
“She’s working.”
Powder nodded.
The two of them sat in the living room and spent a few minutes talking about things that didn’t matter much—Ekko, a few neighbors, the plants in the garden—until, little by little, the conversation faded.
Powder watched her sister for a few seconds before speaking much more softly.
“You don’t look so good.”
Vi let out a small laugh.
“Now you too?”
“You don’t have to tell me. It’s written all over your face, sis.”
Vi lowered her gaze.
“I’m tired…”
“No,” Powder replied calmly. “You’re sad.”
That word hit Vi in a way she hadn’t expected.
Sad.
She had never thought of it that way. It wasn’t fear. It wasn’t anger. It was something much quieter, much heavier.
Powder toyed with her cup between her hands.
“I went to the agency the other day.”
Vi looked up.
“Oh, yeah?”
“I wanted to surprise Cait and have lunch with her. I guess I got used to spending some time with her while you were away, but…” She paused briefly. “Mel told me they gave her a few days off because she was really worried about her.”
Vi felt her stomach tighten.
Powder continued carefully.
“She didn’t give me any details. She just said Caitlyn had been distracted for weeks, off in her own little world, you know… but that it had gotten to the point where she couldn’t hide how much she was struggling anymore.”
Vi remained completely still. Every word seemed to land on her with unbearable weight.
“I saw her leave the office the other day. Want to know something? She looked much happier when you were away.”
Vi slowly closed her eyes.
“Thanks, Powder. That was the last thing I needed to hear,” Vi muttered, leaning back against the couch.
“I didn’t mean it like that,” Powder replied, as if it were obvious. “I mean that now you’re farther apart than you were before. And I think, as usual, that thick head of yours isn’t letting you think clearly enough. Tell me, have you thought about Cait, or have you only been thinking about yourself?”
After that question, for the first time since she had come home, Vi didn’t think about the explosions.
She didn’t think about the war.
She didn’t think about the sleepless nights.
She thought about Caitlyn.
The dark circles beneath her eyes. The way she had tried to smile when she got out of the car. The tear that had fallen during their argument.
And suddenly, Vi understood something she had been unable to see until then.
All of this wasn’t only hurting her anymore.
It was slowly breaking the woman she loved most in the world.
She felt such a tight knot in her throat that she could barely breathe.
Powder watched her in silence. She said nothing else. There was no need. She did, however, move closer and place a hand on Vi’s shoulder.
Vi stared blankly at the now-cold cup of coffee in her hands, and finally, after a long while, spoke almost in a whisper.
“I never wanted to hurt her.”
Powder smiled with immense tenderness.
“I know. Just… try to stop being selfish, okay? You and I both know that never ends well. Caitlyn and I didn’t exactly get along when I first met her, but… I guess I’ve grown to like her a little. And she doesn’t deserve whatever it is you’re doing to her. And I’m guessing she’s already given you some solutions, right? Or am I wrong?”
Vi didn’t answer.
But for the first time since their argument, the idea of asking for help no longer seemed impossible. Not because she had stopped being afraid, but because she was beginning to understand that continuing to run away came at too high a price.
And Caitlyn was paying that price alongside her.
Powder stayed for another half hour or so. When she realized Vi was barely listening to anything she said anymore, she said goodbye and left. She didn’t mind that her sister hadn’t even gotten up from the couch or told her a simple “goodbye,” because she knew Vi had bigger things on her mind.
Vi spent most of the afternoon in the garden, sitting on the old wooden bench she had built herself years ago, watching the sun slowly disappear behind the mountains.
But this time, she didn’t think about the war.
She didn’t think about the explosions.
She didn’t even think about the nightmares.
She thought about Caitlyn. About everything Caitlyn had endured during those four years. About how she had waited for calls or letters. About how she had promised Vi she would wait for her.
And now…
Now that they were finally together again, Vi was the one pushing her away.
She felt that tightness return to her chest, but for the first time, she didn’t run from it.
She let it be there.
Because she understood that pain wasn’t her enemy.
It was proof of how much she loved the woman she couldn’t stop hurting.
Caitlyn arrived home late. She had stayed for a couple of extra hours to get some work done. She could have finished it at home, but she felt more at peace in her small office.
When night fell, they had dinner together, though they barely exchanged a few words. Caitlyn didn’t try to bring up the subject again, and neither did Vi. And if they couldn’t talk about that, both of them felt like they had no right to talk about anything else.
They cleared the table together, washed the dishes, and each went about their own routine, as though they were two people still learning how to live together again.
Or rather, as though they were simply two roommates who didn’t even know each other.
Later, Caitlyn went upstairs, changed clothes, and settled beneath the sheets. She tried reading a book to distract herself, but she couldn’t get past the same page for nearly twenty minutes.
She looked up at the closed bedroom door, just as she had every night lately.
She sighed and slowly closed the book, turning off the lamp on her side of the bed.
Maybe nothing would change that night either…
No.
Caitlyn was sure nothing would change.
And just as she was turning onto her side to sleep, the soft sound of the door opening made her sit up immediately.
Vi stood in the doorway, one hand still resting on the handle.
The two of them stared at each other in silence for several seconds. Neither knew how to begin the conversation.
Finally, Vi broke the silence.
“Is there still room for me?”
Caitlyn’s eyes filled with tears almost instantly.
She didn’t answer with words. She simply lifted the blanket on the right side of the bed, as if that spot had never stopped belonging to Vi.
Vi smiled sadly and slowly walked into the room.
She sat down on the edge of the bed and remained there for a few seconds, staring at the floor, until she finally gathered enough courage.
“I’ve been thinking… a lot.”
Caitlyn waited in silence.
“I think… I think I can’t keep pretending I’m going to get through this on my own.”
Vi’s voice trembled slightly. Not from fear, but from pride—the kind of pride she was having such a hard time setting aside.
She took a deep breath.
“Tomorrow… I want you to come with me to see that therapist. I’m not promising it’ll be easy. I’m not promising I’ll like it. And I’ll probably want to run out of there after the first five minutes.”
A small laugh escaped between them.
The first shared laugh in many days.
Vi grew serious again.
“But… if doing this means that someday you’ll come back… that we’ll be able to sleep peacefully again… then I want to try.”
Caitlyn could no longer hold back her tears.
She slowly crawled across the bed until she was behind Vi. She placed a hand on her wife’s back, then gently turned her around and caressed her cheek with the same tenderness she had always shown the things she loved most.
“You don’t have to do this for me.”
Vi slowly shook her head.
“I know.” She paused briefly. “But I want to do it. For us.”
Those words finally broke down every barrier that had risen between them over the past few days.
Caitlyn wrapped her arms tightly around her, and Vi immediately returned the embrace.
This time, there was no distance.
No fear.
Nothing separating them.
Just two women who, after everything they had been through, had decided to walk in the same direction again.
They didn’t know how long the road would be, or how many times they would still stumble along the way.
But for the first time in days, in weeks, they had hope that things could be different.
In the best possible way.
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