Chapter Text
Second night into her given(forced) time off she was starting to feel the crazy stir up. Last night she woke up every 10 minutes, unable to settle back in until she walked over and stared at her girls through their door’s glass panels. It almost felt like she was counting their breathes until her own breathing matched and she could calm down. She hadn’t slept a full hour since Carisi has left them to go and deal with Bucci’s arraignment. Of course not after the man made pancakes for her now excited eldest daughter, giving her time to cuddle the fussy baby she missed so much. She inhaled the top or her pudgy head like it was her salvation.
For the first time she thanked in her heart for the baby’s crying to wake her earlier, giving her a shot to shoot out of bed and rush to her, successfully avoiding dealing with how she woke up clutching his arm. How she ignored thoughts about exactly when he stripped down to his undershirt, how his warmth called her.
‘He’s smart, kind, funny, good with your kids’ Her therapist words echoed in her head as she looked over the unstoppable duo mixing pancake batter. Then he left, his duties calling him and she had the whole day to inhale her home back into her lungs, filling her soul back into place with every glimpse she got of her daughters.
As the sun was setting she ordered them a pizza, realizing she spent over 48 hours with only a whisky coke back at the motel, few spoons of yogurt and a couple of pancakes a-la Jesse - which just meant splashed with syrup and doused with sprinkles.
Nighttime came and she wasn’t sure she could handle getting up every ten minutes again, she suggested a slumber party for the night. The idea was sold in a second, but then Jesse with all the wisdom of a detective’s daughter asked her how’s Billie going to sleep. That’s how she found herself dragging the baby’s crib to her bedroom. You know. Like a sane person.
She still got up every ten minutes, but now she could settle back in immediately with a little brush to the tiny blond head snuggled next to her and looking to the crib to her right, hearing the tiny suckling noises her baby makes in her sleep.
Carisi called before bedtime, giving her the rundown of the deal, his tone still giving hints of ‘are you really sure?’. Asked if she needs anything. She didn’t. She had her babies locked and loaded for a bedtime story and she absolutely did not need him to worry and hover over her. She knew she maybe sounded harsh on the call, especially after all his help. But it was too big for her now, dealing with… whatever they were. So she had to make it clear that she alright. She’s good.
He didn’t sound convinced.
The checking-in text from Fin came a moment after. He’s such a sucky liar.
—
On Sunday the name that popped suddenly on her screen made her stop. Wholeheartedly considered not to answer and even block her number but could she really?
“Dr. Hanover, hey” she answered.
“How are you doing Amanda?” Why did it feel like an ambush?
“I’m good, don’t worry. Shouldn’t I be asking you the same thing?” She jokingly deflected.
“You may. Your captain updated me that you’re back home, I won’t intrude on your time with the girls but I was hoping we could set a up a session for next week” uhh.. is she kidding?
“I don’t… I think maybe…” she was caught off guard, fumbling through an excuse and failing.
“I understand your hesitation, but I do believe it would be beneficial for you, Amanda” god not the therapy voice. Did her therapist tell her own therapist about what happened? How’s that work?
She politely said she’d think about it, hoping a good old “I’m really okay though” will manage to halt the question, for now. As if.
An hour later a knock on the front door stirred her from a very important disassociation session on the couch. She peeped through the hole. Of course.
“Hey Liv” she said as she unlocked the door for the older woman. Familiar with the brunette’s stubbornness she didn’t hesitate to let the woman through the door wordlessly.
“How are you?” She sounded like she just met a vic in the scene. She heard her say it a million times. Sometimes to her, too.
As their eyes met Olivia gave her a recognizing-with a pinch of solidarity- half smile.
“So I’m here to take your statement, the works” she snapped to her captain mode, regular Olivia Benson tactic she was always impressed by and often grateful for.
She poured them tea as they sat on both sides of her kitchen counter, not before checking for the 50 billionth time on her napping children. Olivia took notes occasionally when she unfolded the days timeline for her. Clinical, procedural, simple. On paper the ordeal was the best outcome there it could’ve been. Nobody’s hurt, everything clean and done.
Olivia knew she was explaining like a cop. Like they were talking about an everyday ordeal on the job. Her terror, her fear, went unmentioned. She was in more than enough hostage situation to know exactly how Amanda felt. So she didn’t push.
“So, Hanover?” She finally asked. Well, she could push a little.
Amanda blushed, looked down. “Yeah, a few weeks now” and she could see the held in smirk on her boss’ face, she knew Liv was dying to ask more about it, to gloat, maybe jump up and down from joy that her stubborn subordinate finally caved and gave into going to therapy. But that was Liv her friend. God were they friends? Actually? They weren’t exactly braiding each others hair or gossiping, but they’ve gotten closer in the past few years. Today shes here as Captain Benson, so friendly curiosity had to take the back seat.
“I’ve spoken to her today,” she started.
“I’ve heard” exactly how much time did they speak? A tiny hint of paranoia flashed through her mind at maybe what information the two women exchanged.
“And if you need more personal time until you can come back it’s perfectly okay Amanda” What? Wait.
“What do you mean? I’m coming in tomorrow”
“Well, you will be needing a psych eval before you come back. I’ve arranged it to be from Hanover since you’ve already been seeing her.”
Well that felt entirely like blackmail. “Is it really necessary? I didn’t even fire a weapon, nothing really happened I swear!” She pleaded.
Another sneaky Olivia look crossed her face. “If you need a few more weeks, it’s fine.”
“Weeks?” Her voice raised higher, eyebrows reaching her hairline. She was about to switch gears into anger when Olivia’s name was called out from the end of the hall. Jessie ran to her godmother who scooped her into a hug. “We’re having a sleepover in mommas bed!” She said it with all the excitement of a 3 year old.
“You do?” Olivia raised her eyebrow at Amanda slightly. “Sounds like fun!” She played with her long blond locks. “Is your sister up?”
“Oh don’t worry” the mother interjected “if she was you’d know” she smiled, calmed by the sight of her daughter.
By the time Jesse was all fed up with the attention and demanded they’d put on Tangled for her to see, yet again, Billie woke up in her usual diva attitude, demanding to be held immediately. As Amanda scooped her and bounced her to calm her down, Liv has gathered her things to leave.
“I’ll be heading out now. Noah is expecting me. Please Amanda, think about this” she gave her a pointed look.
“I will.” Like she had much choice.
Right when she went to close the door behind her Liv turned. “And if you need anything-“ Amanda smiled tightly, nodding once. “Thanks, Liv”
“Bye” Olivia said it mostly to the baby, running a soft finger to her chubby cheek.
Amanda locked the door and fished the phone from her pocket.
5:47 when’s the soonest you got?
—--
First session back was brutally awkward.
She kept glancing around, sometimes eyes falling to the desk they were tied to, sometimes to the woman in front of her… trying not to think of what she knew of her now. So she has a son, she’s divorced- from a drummer… and she saw what she looked like scared to her bones.
Relatively the session itself went fine, she expressed her trouble sleeping, her clinginess to the girls. She also actively avoided any topic that even came near a certain ADA. Hanover noticed. Of course she did. Whatever. She could also notice things. Like how the doctor made sure to lock the door after her. Checked twice.
But she got her clearance. Which meant shes back tomorrow. Finally. She was driving herself crazy alone in the house, clingy or not.