Chapter Text
MEGUMI FUSHIGURO'S POV
Megumi wakes up in a cold sweat. His breathing is fast and his heart is racing. It was just a dream. Yuji was still here. He grumbles and shifts to his side. He's been having nightmares ever since that night in Shibuya. And after Sukuna had possessed him, they only got worse. But lately, his nightmares have all been about Yuji. He's been acting weird recently. He's been more distant, more distracted.
He’d also noticed Yuji had been skipping meals. But the most concerning thing he noticed was that Yuji was wearing hoodies all the time. Sure, he loved wearing them, but it was summer. It was easy to notice changes in his behavior now that they lived in the same apartment. Megumi knew that Yuji had been struggling since they were in high school, but he had never seen him like this.
It scared him. He knew the signs of depression. And Yuji definitely fit the bill. And the nightmares he was constantly having were not helping with his worries. Maybe it was his subconscious trying to tell him something? Hopefully not.
He tries to go back to sleep, but every time he closes his eyes he sees Yuji, dead. The images his own mind conjured up haunt him. But Yuji was alive. Everything was fine. Dispite that, he still found himself restless. Maybe if he… No. He was probably asleep. He couldn't bother him now. But his mind kept showing him elaborate scenarios of the pink haired boy dying. His anxiety was rising with each horiffic thought.
Megumi wouldn’t be able to sleep unless he saw he was okay. So he got out of bed and walked to Yuji's room. When he reached it, he hesitated. He was probably asleep. Should he really wake him just to make himself feel better? He thought about it for a minute. Screw it, Yuji was just going to have to deal with it. So he knocked on the door. Carful not to be too loud.
He heard shuffling on inside the room and the door was suddenly open. Yuji looked tired. He had bags under his eyes. and the red hoodie he was wearing looked like it was haphazardly thrown on. He told himself it was just cause it was late. But his anxiety was eating at him deep down.
“Do you need something?”
Obviously he'd be confused why Megumi was here. It's not like him to just appear at his door in the middle of the night.
“Mind if I come in?”
“No, but, shouldn't you be asleep?”
“I couldn’t sleep.”
He steped past Yuji, hopefully he didn’t have to say why.
“Oh.”
And obviously Yuji caught on.
“Do you… wanna talk about it?”
Definitely not. Yuji didn't need to hear about him being paranoid that he would die.
“Not really.”
He did his best to hide a panic in his voice. Neither of them said anything. Yuji seemed off, even now. Megumi was trying to figure out why.
“Do you wanna sit down?”
Yuji gestures to his bed and walks the rest of the way to sit on it. Better then standing, he supposes. So he follows. Then the awkward silence returns. If Yuji asked why he was here, he wouldn't have an answer. What was he even supposed to say? He starts with an apology.
“Sorry if I woke you.”
Yuji looked really tired. But he answered the door too fast to have been asleep. And based on the bags under his eyes, he hadn’t slept at all tonight.
“No, it’s fine, I was already awake.”
He was right. He hummed to acknowledge Yuji's words. But he still won't look him in the eye. Megumi’s eyes landed back on Yuji’s hoodie. He was getting tired of seeing them.
“Didn’t know you slept with a hoodie on. Seems like it would get hot.”
He sees Yuji start to panic at the comment. It only raises his suspicion.
“N-No, it’s not hot… I just… like wearing them.”
Megumi knows that was a lie. His anxiety was only getting worse.
“I’ve never seen you sleep in one before.”
“I just got cold. T-That’s all.”
He's still lying. Why would he feel the need to lie? Megumi’s brain scrambles to find an explanation. A reason that doesn't involve what he thinks it is.
“Really? Cause it’s kind of warm in here. I can only imagine what it’s like in a hood-”
“Why does it matter what I wear to sleep?!”
Yuji slightly raises his voice. Which surprises Megumi. Fine, he obviously wasn't gonna say.
“Whatever.”
Yuji doesn’t have a response. They both just continue avoiding acknowledging each other. But he can see Yuji getting more restless. He's fidgeting with his hands and his leg is bouncing.
“I’m gonna go get some water.”
Yuji stands up, too fast. He walks towards the doorway before turning his head and actually looking Megumi.
“Do you want anything?”
He can tell he's desperate to get out of the room.
“No thanks, I’m good.”
Yuji doesn’t say anything else as he exits the room. Megumi sighs. Now that he's alone, he looks around. He tries to think of a reason as to why Yuji is acting strange. As he scans the room, something red in Yuji's trash can catches his eye. He gets up and walks towards it. When he picks it up, his worst fears are confirmed. The wash cloth is covered in blood. Fresh blood. It has to be Yuji's. He's hurt and he hasn't told him. That's why he's been acting weird. He brings the cloth with him back Yuji's bed and sits down again in the same spot. All signs have pointed to Yuji hurting himself. He didn’t wanna believe it. But he's holding the bloodied wash cloth. Evidence of a gruesome scene he didn't witness. Then he looks up to see Yuji in the doorframe, frozen. He looks scared.
“I-I… Fushiguro I-”
“Come here.”
He needed to ask him. Ask him if the blood was his. If he did this. He needed to help him. Yuji slowly stepped forward in front of Megumi. He looked like a scared animal walking into a trap.
“You’ve got one chance to explain what this is before I start assuming the worst.”
He's already assuming the worst. But he doesn't wanna scare Yuji away. If he plays this wrong, Yuji won't ever open up to him. He holds up the cloth. Yuji began stuttering.
“I- umm… got hurt, on a mission one time and… I-I used that to-”
He's lying again. Megumi is absolutely terrified. If it wasn't anything bad he wouldn't be redirecting this hard. Something is seriously wrong. Without meaning to he raises his voice.
“Bullshit.”
Yuji flinches.
“You and I know damm well this isn’t from an old wound.”
He needs to just ask him. Yuji isn't going to tell him on his own. If he's hurting himself he needs to know.
“Fushiguro I-”
“Are you hurt now?”
Megumi stands in front of Yuji. He still looks panicked. And his eyes are starting to get watery. Please let him be wrong.
“I- I…”
He still won't answer.
“Show me your arms.”
Yuji completely freezes. Dammit.
“W-What… no I-”
“I’m not messing around Itadori. Show me where you’re hurt.”
He already knows it's bad. He doesn't need Yuji to tell him that it is. He can see it in his eyes, which now have tears threatening to spill out. Megumi calms his demeanor. He doesn't want to scare him more then he already is. If he's is going to feel comfortable enough to tell him anything, he needs to stay calm.
“Itadori… Please just tell me if you’re hurt. I want to help you, but I can’t do that if I don’t know what’s wrong. I won’t be mad. I promise.”
Neither of them move. Until Yuji’s whispers. It’s so silent Megumi almost doesn’t hear it.
“I… I did something bad…”
His heart drops.
“You can tell me.”
“I-”
Yuji chokes on his words. He looks like he’s about to cry. But he needs Yuji to tell him what’s wrong.
“Please…”
But Yuji doesn’t speak. Instead, he reaches for the sleeve of his hoodie. When he rolls it up, Megumi feels sick. His arm is covered in bandages, and blood is beginning to seep through. He doesn't want to imagine how bad it looks underneath. His breath hitches and Yuji only looks more distraught at the sound. He can't freak out. He has to stay calm. If it's bleeding through this much then the wound is probably bad. He hopes it doesn't need stitches.
“I-I’m sorry…”
Yuji’s voice is breaking. Megumi thinks. He needs to clean the wounds. And maybe get to the bottom of why Yuji's doing this. And hopefully prevent this from happening again. But first, he needs to stop the bleeding.
“I’m s-sorry-”
“Do you have a first aid kit in here?”
Yuji gives the smallest nod.
“Where is it?”
Yuji motions underneath his bed. So Megumi kneels down and finds the first aid kit, along with something more concerning. A small box of razors. His heart hurts. He grabs both of them and stands up to place them on the bed.
“Sit down.”
Yuji hesitantly sits down near the headboard of the bed. Megumi sits in front of him and moves the med kit closer before looking inside for stuff to bandage the wounds. The first aid kit is almost empty. He probably goes through a lot of supplies. He reaches for Yuji's arm and looks at him for permission to have it. He can tell he doesn’t want to, but he's grateful that he still lets him. To prepare for blood to drip, he places a washcloth from the med kit underneath Yuji's arm as to not get blood on the bed. He carefully unwraps the bandages and winces when he sees what's beneath.
The cuts are not deep enough to cause any real damage, but they're deeper then Megumi would like. And there’s so many of them. Almost every part of Yuji's forearm is littered with cuts of different sizes and depths. All made with those razors. Some of them are still bleeding. These are fresh.
“I’m gonna ask you some questions, and I need you to answer honestly.”
He can tell Yuji’s reluctant.
“Okay…”
“Thank you.”
He continues unwrapping the bandage and stares as more and more cuts are revealed. It looks painful. How many times has he done this? Why is he doing this? How did he not notice? Each scar carved in his skin leaks anger and sadness along with thick red blood.
“When did you do this?”
Yuji is quiet. It scares Megumi. He really wants to help him, but if he won't even talk to him, he won't be able to. But to his relief, he hears Yuji whisper.
“Earlier… before you got here.”
He could have stopped this. What would have happened if he didn’t decide to come over? If he was here sooner he could have done something. He continues examining the wounds. None of them are deep enough to need medical attention.
“They don’t look like they need stitches. But they’re still pretty deep.”
When all the bandages are off his arm looks much worse. The cuts are filled with so much emotion and he can’t help but stare.
“How long have you been doing this?”
He hears Yuji take a deep shaky breath before answering the question.
“About a month.”
A month… He's been cutting himself for a month and he didn't notice. He knew something was wrong. So why did he wait so long to say something? Megumi hums to acknowledge his answer. But he doesn't react physically. He starts cleaning the cuts on his arm and Yuji winces in response. These are fresh. obviously they still hurt.
“I’m sorry. There’s not much I can do about the pain.”
Megumi did his best to be even more gentle, not wantingto hurt Yuji any more then he already was. He could practically hear Yuji's thoughts racing. He knew he was scared. He probably thought he would be angry with him.
“Hey, I’m not mad, okay? I’m glad I found out. Knowing you, you wouldn’t have told anyone.”
Yuji still looked nervous. Megumi could see the tears in his eyes. A minute passes before he continues with his questions.
“What made you do this?”
It takes a bit for him to respond. He seems to be thinking.
“I had a nightmare. About… him…”
Sukuna. That monster was always at the center of both of their nightmares. It only makes Megumi despise the demon more. Yuji continues.
“I killed so many people. And… after, you all still treated me like I was normal… like I was still human. I hated it. I still do.”
Megumi looked up at him. But Yuji was still looking down. They've been treating him like a person and he hated it. He didn't see himself as a human being. That hurt Megumi. Yuji has completely lost the ability to see himself as a person worthy of love.
“None of you were angry at me.”
“Of course we weren’t. What Sukuna did in your body wasn’t in your control.”
People have told him this before. Unfortunately, he never seemed to get it.
“But if I was stronger-”
“No. There was nothing you could’ve done. Your strength had nothing to do with that.”
Yuji finally raised his head to look Megumi in the eyes. But the eye contact only lasted a few seconds before he looked back down again. Megumi finished cleaning the cuts and started wrap his arm with bandages. He thought that was the end. But to his surprise, Yuji continued speaking.
“I felt like… I needed to punish myself. And… this was the only way I knew how…”
Megumi didn’t flinch. But inside, his heart was breaking. He suddenly felt like crying himself.
“I still feel like that…”
Yuji’s been suffering alone for so long. Megumi hates that even after all this time, he still feels this alone.
“I’m sorry Fushiguro…”
“Don’t apologize.”
He finally finished wrapping Yuji's arm and let him have it back.
“Are you hurt anywhere else?”
Yuji shakes his head. He really wishes he could believe him. But the voice in the back of his head tells him there's more.
“Are you lying?”
To his surprise, Yuji took his hoodie off entirely. He was wearing a gray shirt underneath. And with nothing covering his arms, Megumi could see how much he was really hurting. There were scars all over his arms. Some were from fights over the years. But most were clearly self inflicted. He stares for a few tense seconds before putting all the medical supplies back in the med kit and placing it on the floor along with the box of razors.
When he looks back at Yuji, he sees him avoiding eye contact. Without thinking, he gently grabs Yuji’s arm. The one he hasn’t bandaged, and rubs his thumb over the scared tissue. There were no blood or fresh cuts. But old cuts told the same horrific story. Yuji had been cutting himself. And from the shear amount of them, you'd think he'd been cutting for years. Some scars were longer, some shorter, some were raised and some were just faded white lines. And they all made Megumi feel sick. He needs to make sure this doesn’t happen again.
“Itadori...”
Megumi feels his voice begin to break and quickly takes a breath to try and keep his voice steady.
“I need you to promise to never do this again.”
Yuji didn't respond. He didn't agree. He just looked away. It sent a fear beyond anything he’d felt before shooting through his body. Why isn't he willing to promise? Is he planning something worse?
“Fushiguro….”
“Itadori, please. I don’t want you hurting yourself like this anymore.”
“But… how will I make up for what I’ve done…”
Every word feels like a gut punch. Yuji's feeling so much guilt for something that isn't even his fault. And he's punishing himself for it when he's a victim too.
“You don’t have to make up for anything. The lives of other people aren’t your responsibility.”
“But they are! I’m a murderer… I’m the reason all of those people are dead! It’s my fault everything happened the way it did!
“Nothing that happened was your fault! Why can’t you understand that-”
“I’m the reason Sukuna got to you!”
For the first time that night, Megumi flinches. He remembers what Sukuna made him do every time he looks in the mirror. The marks across his eye are a painful reminder. But he didn’t blame Yuji. How could he? Tears are falling down Yuji’s face and Megumi wants nothing more then to take all the pain away from him.
“I’m the reason Gojo’s dead…”
“Itadori-”
“I was the one who ate the finger.”
“Itadori-!”
“The only reason Sukuna was able to do all of that was because of me-!”
“STOP!”
Yuji finally stops talking. He’s sobbing and completely crumpled in on himself. In a way, Megumi understands. He knows what it’s like to lose control of your own body. He knows what it’s like to be forced to do horrible things. He knows what having your free will stolen can do to a person. He’s struggled himself. Sometimes, he can’t help but feel guilty for the things Sukuna did in his body. He hates it. But more than that, he hates that even after all these years, that demon still has his claws in Yuji’s heart. Megumi feels his own eyes start to water. His chest feels tight and his hands are slightly shaking. Yuji speaks again. And it completely shakes Megumi to the core.
“You should have let me die…”
Megumi goes wide eyed. He had suspected this for a long time. Deep down, some part of him knew. Yuji was suicidal. And that was the final straw. Megumi’s crying now too. Silent tears drip down his face and onto the sheets below. He can’t bare seeing Yuji like this. In so much pain. And his words only made Megumi panic more. What if he was already planning something? Something that would have permanent consequences. He couldn't let that happen.
“Yuji…”
He isn't sure what prompted him to call him that. Maybe it's because he thought he would listen if he said his first name. Or maybe it was to comfort himself. Megumi could tell Yuji wasn't expecting it either.
“Would you tell me… If you were planning on killing yourself?”
He struggles to get the sentence out. He doesn't even want to think about it. His emotions are clawing at him from the inside.
“W-What…”
Megumi grabs him by the shoulders and forces him to look him in the eyes.
“I need you to promise me that you won’t.”
Yuji is frozen. And his silence is only making Megumi’s fears grow. Why can't he just answer? Why is he not saying anything? Is he already planning something? Megumi’s hands move to cup Yuji’s cheeks. His hands are shaking as he wipes the tears from his face.
“Are you already planning something?”
Yuji stares at him. He still isn't giving an answer. He’s just staring at him. Megumi’s getting desperate.
“Yuji please-!
“I’m not! I-I’m not planning anything… I swear…”
Megumi lets out a shaky breath. But he still doesn’t feel much better.
“You really think you’d be better off dead…?”
It’s ridiculous really. Yuji means so much to everyone who knows him. He means so much to Megumi. Yuji hesitates. But only for a moment.
“Everyone else would be...”
No… No. That's not true. How could he think that? He's done so much to help people. Yuji even saved him. Megumi chokes on his own sob and leans in to wrap his arms around him. Yuji’s arms hang limp at his sides. But when Megumi squeezes tighter, he breaks. He grips onto Megumi like he needs him to breathe and begins weeping.
“I-I'm s-sorry… I'm so s-sorry”
I an effort to comfort him, Megumi begins rubbing Yuji's back.
“It's okay…”
“It ju-just hurts…”
He knows it does. Yuji must be in a lot of pain. But he would help him through it.
“I know…”
They both continue crying in each others arms. Megumi still hasn't gotten that promise. He still hasn't guaranteed that Yuji wouldn't do this again. Yuji still isn’t safe. So Megumi pulls away, but he doesn't let him go.
“Yuji, please… Please promise that you'll stay with me… with everyone… I can't lose you too…”
The time Yuji doesn’t talk scares Megumi. But after he catches his breath, he finally speaks
“I promise…”
Megumi relaxes, but his heart still hurts.
“Thank you…”
He leans in and hugs him again. They aren't ready to let go. He feels like if he lets him go, he'll disappear. Eventually, Megumi realizes how late it is. It’ll be morning soon. He knows Yuji’s tired. They both are. Yuji’s arms are wrapped around his body weakly, his head slumped on his shoulder. A glance at the scars on Yuji’s arms reminds him of the razors that did this. He needs to get rid of them. Yuji can’t have them in his room. But when he goes to get up, he feels two hands refuse to let go.
“I need to throw the razors away. I don't want them in your room.”
Reluctantly, Yuji let's go. Megumi gets onto the floor and pushes the med kit back under the bed. He then picks up the box of razors and goes to leave. But a hand grabbing his shirt catches his attention.
“Wait! Please d-don't go. You can throw them tomorrow. Just… please stay with me…”
Yuji sounds so tired. Megumi can't refuse. He doesn't wanna leave Yuji either. He’s right, he could just throw them away in the morning. He sighs.
“Fine, but I'm throwing them tomorrow.”
He walks across the room and places the box on a desk away far away from the bed. They should probably get some sleep. Yuji definitely needs it. So he walks back to the bed and crawls on beside the other, gently guiding him to lay down, making sure he's comfortable. He then lays next to him on his side.
“I'm not leaving you alone. But you need to get some rest. I'm sure you're tired.”
“Aren't you tired too?”
“I am, that's why we're going to sleep.”
He reaches his hand up to Yuji's face and wipes the salty tears away. It won't take the pain away. But he can try. They're facing each other, and Megumi can't help but wonder what he could have done to help avoid this.
“Thank you for telling me. I'm sorry I didn't notice sooner.”
“Please don't blame yourself… It’s not your fault.”
“It’s not yours either.”
He doesn’t reply. He can tell Yuji doesn’t believe him.
“I don’t want you doing this again.”
“But-”
“No.”
He can’t let this happen again.
“I don’t want you cutting yourself anymore.”
Yuji stays quiet.
“If you ever feel like you want to hurt yourself, please tell me. Or even if you just need to talk to someone, or if you don’t wanna be alone.”
“I… I don’t wanna bother you…”
“You could never bother me. Just please promise that you’ll talk to me.”
After a long pause, Yuji agrees.
“Okay, I promise.”
For the first time that night, Megumi relaxes.
“Thank you… Yuji.”
When his eyes land on the scars on his arms again he can’t help but feel angry.
“Fushiguro…”
“What is it?”
Yuji opens his mouth to speak but stops himself before he can.
“What’s wrong?”
“The first time I did it wasn't long after Shibuya.”
When they were still in high school. He remembers that time well. Yuji was alone back then. That was where so much of his trauma came from. And it only got worse from there.
“That was a few years ago.”
Yuji nods.
“I used a knife I had found.”
Yuji was still a kid at the time. How did he not know this?
“It was a spur of the moment decision at first. But then I started doing it every time I had the chance. The only reason I stopped was because Choso caught me.”
He sees him start to cry again. Megumi was thankful for Choso. When Yuji was alone and at his lowest, he was there for him. And he continued to be there for him up until his final breath. He reaches up to wipe the newly formed tears away from his face.
“Hey… It’s going to be okay. I promise.”
“I-I wish he was h-here…”
Yuji starts crying again.
“I know.”
To try and give Yuji some comfort, He scoots himself closer to him and starts moving his fingers through his hair. He feels Yuji push his head into his chest. The sound of his muffled cries fill the room. After a few minutes the crying turns into sniffles.
“D-Do… you want to talk about your nightmare?”
Yuji was always worried about others. Any other time, Megumi wouldn’t have answered. But if he said what dream brought him to his door, maybe he would realize how important he was to him.
“I dreamt that you died.”
He feels Yuji lean into him harder.
“Sorry.”
He says it like he’s scared. He probably feels responsible for that too.
“Please stop saying that. I’m just worried about you. I don’t want you to die. I never have.”
“I know.”
Megumi continues rubbing his fingers through his hair. He feels him relax even further into his chest. He’s hugging Yuji. And he feels thin. Thinner than he ever has been before.
“Yuji.”
“Hmm?”
“When was the last time you ate?”
Yuji takes a breath.
“The last thing I ate was that chocolate bar you gave me.”
Megumi freezes and pulls away slightly to look Yuji in the eyes.
“That was three days ago…”
He looks shocked. Like he wasn’t even keeping track.
“Oh.”
Megumi’s about to speak again when Yuji talks before he can.
“I’ll eat tomorrow. I’m tired now.”
It was pretty late. It wouldn’t be fair for him to make Yuji get up now. But he needed to eat. And Megumi would make sure he did.
“Okay.”
So he continues rubbing Yuji’s hair. He again feels his body relax under the touch.
“Can you try and get some sleep for me?”
For me. If he won’t do things for himself, then he could do them for him.
“I can try.”
At least for now, he can hold Yuji in his arms. He can make sure he's safe. And after a few minutes of him rubbing Yuji's hair, he hears soft snoring in his chest. Yuji looks relaxed. Megumi never wants to let go. He nuzzles into Yuji's hair and closes his eyes.
He’ll keep him safe. He has to. He can’t risk losing him. Not when Yuji means this much to him. He would protect him from every horrible thought he had.
Megumi falls asleep shortly afterwards. He doesn't have nightmares. Neither of them do. For the first time, they feel safe. They feel at peace in each other's arms.